Lying Turned into Stealing and Lying!

Updated on February 11, 2008
R.D. asks from Tempe, AZ
4 answers

I really need some help and don't know where else to turn!
My 8 year old step daughter stole $20 from me this morning and lied about it. Let me give you a little bit of history here!
My step daughter has been a part of my life for 3 years. For about the past year, I have been catching her lying constantly, at least once a day about something. And you know, she's a kid, so it's just silly things that she's not telling the truth about most of the time. But for the past few months it has been getting worse and I can't believe anything that she says anymore. She will lie about things her teacher says, things that she does at her Moms house or things that her Mom says. She'll lie about not having any homework and then I find it and she'll tell me she forgot or come up with some excuse that I know isn't true. I bust her all the time. And everytime I will try to talk to her about it and tell her that she can tell me truth and that even if she's knows she'll be in trouble, it's still better to tell the truth.
I'm having a really hard time getting my husband involved with what I'm dealing with. It seems like he and her Mom just ignore the problem and don't ever follow up with her or discipline her. Either that or they are just both so naive that they don't know she's doing it. I really don't want to believe that either. So, that puts me in a really awkward position. I don't know how to discipline her by myself. And when I do tell my husband about it, he thinks I'm being to hard on her. It's a really hard situation too because she is only with us for half of every week and then at her Moms house the other half. So we can ground her for two days, but we can't make her Mom enforce it.
Lying is one of my biggest pet peeves. And I do keep at her until she tells me the truth, but that's only because I know she's lying and i'm trying to break her of it. I'm trying to show her that I always know the truth anyway so why lie about it.
Nothing is working though. No matter how much I talk to her, it doesn't do any good! There has been a few times when I would just get done talking to her and 5 minutes later she will lie to my face again!
So this morning, her Mom dropped her off at our house so we can take her to school. I had a $20 bill on the coffee table that my 10 year old had folded into a ring for me last night. I had the girls loaded in the car and then went back inside to grab the $20. It was no where to be found. I went back to the car and asked both of the girls if they knew where it was, both said no. I went back in again to look. My 10 year old went in to look. I called my husband to see if he had seen it, he said no. To make a long story short, I checked both of the girls back packs before they went into school and it was in my step daughters bag. I showed it to her, she just looked at me and got out of the car and walked into school. She immediately called her Dad and told him. But she never said a word to me, no apology, no nothing!
I called her Dad too. But when I called him, he made me feel like I did something wrong. He told me that he had already talked to her and talked to her Mom and they were going to ground her for a week. It made me upset that he had called her Mom first instead of talking with me about it, but I guess that shouldn't bother me; they are her parents.
Anyway, i'm sorry for making this so long, I guess I just had to vent. I'm really afraid that this tense relationship between my stepdaughter and I is going to end up tearing my family apart and I can't let that happen. I didn't have this problem with my 10 year old. She went through a very short phase, but she was a lot younger and I was able to nip that in the butt fast and i've never had that problem again with her. It's different with my stepdaughter and I don't know what to do. I really want to be close with her and for us to be a happy family, but I don't know how to get over this hump and it scares me.
Thanks for listening!

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L.A.

answers from Phoenix on

This is a tough situation. First and foremost, you, your husband, and her mother need to be on the same page about discipline. Guidelines need to be set, and everyone needs to follow through with them or else it's not going to work.

Divorce or parents that split up, whatever the case might be, can be hard on kids as is, but as adults, your husband and his ex need to realize that they are forever connected by this child, and they are doing her a great disservice (IMO) by not giving her any structure. They don't have to be the military, but there has to be guidelines that are the same, and are followed, at each house.

You say when you ground her you can't make her mom enforce it...well that's not how it should be. If you give her punishment, mom needs to let that stand. If that means you sit down, and you make a list of the things she does that are wrong, and then write down appropriate punishments, then you do that. If something comes up that is not on the list, you come to an agreement that until you can talk to one another, she is to remain in her room, no tv, no phone, no computer or something of that effect.

I know raising a kid between two homes must be difficult. But until the three of you, especially your husband and his ex, get on the same page, things will not get better.

If some of this didn't make sense, please message me and I'll try to clarify. I hope some of this helps.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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I.W.

answers from Phoenix on

ugh. dynamics between stepdaughter and stepmother are notoriously bad. i'm just telling you that because at some point you are going to have to face the truth that you'll never be buddy-buddies with her at this stage because you are not her natural mother. but? the sooner you realize this the sooner you can start a course on what to do so she doesn't disturb the dynamics of the ENTIRE household like she's already beginning to do. i had the similar situation with my stepdaughter. it was great when she was little and we had her full time, but once she started seeing her mother again it was all over. she was telling her she did not have to listen to me because i was not her mother. and that it was my fault that they were no longer a family. (lies~hubby was already divorced when i met him) but you know? a child wants her mom and dad together, no matter how old she is, and i'm sure she's no exception. you are the bad one who is preventing it from happening. i'm sure there are feelings of resentment that you two have a new family. i'm sure your husband feels guilty that she feels that way, so he overcompensates.
when parents are divorced they tend to do the "let the other person deal with this" thing. it's easier to have this attitude when a child lives with each parent part-time. it's part of the passive-aggresive way of punishing the other.

as a "former stepmom" (she is now in her 20s, married and with her own children) i am only telling you this because it is better to be prepared than to be snowed every day. get a padlock in one of your cabinets and put all your cash or things she may take and tell her this is in reaction to not being trusted and that she will have to earn your trust.

that is YOUR HOME. i am sorry that this is causing you problems with your husband (though it is normal) and the less you rock the boat with him...the better. if he thinks you're being unfair to his little girl he will start taking his side against you, and you don't wanna go there!
best of luck. from someone who's been there done that and i'm glad it's over! ;p (and it will be, once my stepdaughter became a mother she understood my position, that was a great moment) hang in there!

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K.S.

answers from Phoenix on

You say that this has been going on for about a year, right?
Sounds like it started around the time you got pregnant. Maybe she is having a hard time adjusting to the new baby and the fact that her daddy has another child now.
Good Luck!
K.

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T.F.

answers from Phoenix on

Maybe you should try to set up a meeting with your step daughter's mother and both you & your husband to come up with a plan to support each other in raising this girl. As the famous quote goes "It really does take a village to raise a child." Let both of them know you all should be on the same team...

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