Loving Shoulder

Well, I don't have a job outside of my home, but I am a single mother of a very rowdy (almost 15 month old), and I feel much like you do.... not many friends, no one to vent to, baby blues...
Anyway, I am always for meeting new people. My daughters' name is Jayden Ann Makenzie, I'm B., 32yr. old, live towards central Phoenix. Maybe we can have vent sessions :)

Hang in there! You are not alone! I joined a great Christin Mom's group recently called MOPS and have met some great ladies. Here is a link where you can look up a group near you.

You can read about what MOPS is at www.mops.org.

It is tough and it does help to talk with others in same situation. I belong to a Career Mom's group, we all work outside the home and have families. We get together for Mom's Night Out which may just be dinner out without the kids and do some family events as well.
It helps to know you are not alone with the daily struggles. We meet on the Westside in Glendale.

Sorry to hear that. Seems a universal problem though. I must admit I feel aggravated because it seems men can pull the strings to have what time they want to self, and have a built-in sitter to further their life, while mom gets put into a limbo, and no matter what a woman does, there always seems someone to object to how she is living. One thing I have done is to stop really caring what other people think. If I want to paint a picture and leave the dishes. I will. I buy paper plates and give the kids a water bottle they can refill. Groups like here are good places to vent. And I agree, there are some people that will take your being upset and try to make it like you are not a good mom because you have feelings and desires and not just being a Stepford Wife, and they will treat another woman like she is less than. Very sad, but it happens. I have begun to express myself in poetry, and some of it is pretty dark and angsty, but it makes me feel better. I am also being less materialistic and finding the time to see a masseuse. I am decluttering my life and schedule. I do not go to church every Sunday now, and am getting up earlier..not always, but more often to have a cup of tea and stretch with mild excercise. I just leave all but what needs to be put away and head to bed with a good book right after I put the kids to bed, or I take a soak and do mineral salts or the like. I would like to have more girlfriends with whom to share experiences and bounce ideas off of...but it seems like a lot of work, and I do not feel as if I fit in being a single mom. So I am just taking care of myself and kids, and have few folks I hang out with, as it seems most single moms feel as I do, and they just move away, or throw themselves into school or career. Wish I had better advice, but being a working mom, not like you can make friends at playgroups or hobby circles that tend to meet during working hours. I do get out, but often it is with the kids in tow. They have pretty good manners at restaurant, and I will take to art openings and music events. I gave up on dating, as I am pretty much a MILF to these guys, or a potential Stepford Wife in their eyes. I spend time on doing things for others online, like petition signing and environmental causes. I figure a better use of my time. Another thing is a book club. It is a way to meet a variety of folks with different perspectives. Maybe on a Sunday night have your husband watch kids while you discuss what you read that month. Hope that helps some.
Much luck to your pursuit to find balance.
L.

Yes, that was my same situation too! I hated going to work and leaving my kids. I was always depressed and unhappy. I had no choice though. After 3 years of working every weekend Sat and Sun 8 am to 6pm, missing birthday parties, kids sports events, and family time, I finally quit! I am so much happier now. Yes, we've had to make sacrifices, we lost our house to foreclosure, but being with my kids and being happy is worth it! I'm going to college full time in the evenings to be a teacher. Good luck, I hope you can find a change that will make you happier. You are worth it!

Clarise,
I believe there are more of us that DO understand than don't. I believe venting can be helpful but there is a fine line between Constructive/Productive venting and Destructive venting... Just be aware of this! Though it can be very helpful to vent, if venting to the wrong people, it can be dangerous. I have seen it work both ways. I had 4 babies in under 5 years, have worked part time the whole time and have struggled with the ups and downs of moderate to severe Depression ~ It is REAL. Listen to UPLIFTING MUSIC, Read UPLIFTING STORIES, Choose UPLIFTING FIRENDS, EXERCISE and Develop a Relationship with God. Look for all the positive things in your life and try to focus on simply The Positive! I do know "Easier said than done" but honestly, It's helped me!
I could go on and on but just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
C. ~ Gilbert,AZ

Clarise,
You are not alone and I'm sorry that you feel as though you are. I work outside of the home full time and my job is emotionally draining. I have a husband and I have two beautiful children, whom I love dearly: my daughter is 3 1/2 and my son just turned 2. Sometimes I feel as though I don't want to do anything. I feel like a bad mom/wife b/c I am so drained and have a short temper. That "blue" feeling, I call it "the blahs." Sometimes I just have "the blahs." For me it cycles and is usually short lived, one day blah and the next OK. I'm sure it is probably hormonal, but I don't think we are the only two women who have felt this way. Only you can really know how serious this is for you and there is no shame in seeking professional help if you feel you need it. Take care and I wish you the best during your "blue" times.

D.

Oh Clarise!! You have voiced what many women yearn to say who are balancing life and struggling with, well balance and life!

You touched my heart though, as I'm a mother of 4 kids, that also works full-time. It's a daily challenge. It's tough.

Two things I've found that have helped me recently:

1. I have one night a week that is just for me. My husband watches our kids and I spend time with a friend, with my mom, or just by myself. I might watch a movie, have dinner with a friend or simply window-shop. The goal is to have time away, not to spend more money!

2. My husband and our kids go to a local church. The kids have their class and my husband and I go to ours. Many others might have different opinions, but I've found this is a source of strength for me too. It helps me focus on a bigger picture in life.

I wish you well and hope in some way, this helps you press forward. :-)

L.

(I am a 36 year old; Married 15 years; 4 kids; full-time working mom)

Clarise,

I feel like when we enter a relationship we set some part of our self aside, and then when we become a mom we sacrifice another part to be the mom we feel our kids need. If we are blessed enough to have another child, then another part we must let go of, and so too with a career.

I think it is possible to reclaim these pieces of our selves and to celebrate our true person, I just think that to some extent we forget what that feels like.

I know that when my friends end relationships I often recommend that they go back and listen to the music that they used to listen to before the relationship. Usually the other person does not like your total collection, and this simple act of listening to music you have lost touch with can be revitalizing.

I am feeling very over whelmed myself right now. I work two part time jobs, have a six month old that comes with me, and I try to keep the house clean too, when it is possible. My husband is very supportive but not very helpful.

I am seeing in the other responses that other women feel the same way. I would like to propose that we have a day in the not so distant future when we leave the kids with the dads (those of us with partners) and have gatherings in every part of the valley where the moms who need to meet up can. One day to make the face to face connections that this forum can not provide.

If anyone else is interested, email me and I will do my best to organize something.
____@____.com

Hi Clarise,

I know things can be overwelming sometimes, but think of all the good things in your life. As we grow older so do they and eventually move out. Enjoy every minute of the day with them. I'm going to offer to help you out if you are looking to create some residual income so you can have more time with your family. If you are interested give me a call at ###-###-####.

I understand. I worked full time up until I had my son. He is my first and last so I decided to stop teaching until he is ready for school. I stay home all day and I don't have much adult conversation with anyone other than my husband. Although my husband is very loving and understanding, I feel there are just somethings I'd rather tell someone else. We're a military family so we move around a bit. Niether one of us has family living near us. Sometimes I get the blues, too. I'm guessing it's pretty normal when you have kids and you have devoted your life to them. My husband and I have talked about going out dancing or just getting a babysitter so that we could go to dinner and a movie, but with only one income, it gets pretty pricey. Well I wish you luck and just remember to stay focused and all your sacrifices will come out in the end.

We all feel that way sometimes. There are so may demands, so little time, and we all want to be the best at home, the best at work, best mama, best wife.....it can be overwhelming.

I find that sometimes I just need to get out of the house by myself for 20 minutes--for a walk or to a bookstore or coffeeshop. I also get up 45 minutes before anyone else to get a little exercise and meditation in--for my own sanity. That's my me-time, and I can take it without feeling guilty about time away from the kids. And also good girlfriends help, especially if they are also mamas. Ever try a mom's group?

Hang in there, things will pick up. We've all been there.

Clarise,
Feeling blue at this stage of your life is perfectly normal. You have just given up a great deal of your independance, substituting taking care of a 6-month old who can't exactly carry on an adult conversation and who needs care all those hours when you are home after work and on weekends.
There is actually a syndrome called "Post-partum depression", which strikes many young mothers after giving birth. It has a lot to do with the way your hormane levels are trying to return to normal. You may do very well with a couple of months of a mild anti-depressant.
Otherwise, are there any groups you can join that will allow you an evening out while Dad stays home with his baby? A book club, a church study group, etc? If nothing else, there is this wonderful internet, and you can chat with people even while you are nursing!
Good luck
E. (mother of 2 boys and grandmother of 1)

I know how you feel, I am with the baby all day and all night long all week long. All of my friends live in different states. I get blue and down a lot myself. I am suppose to get "me" time (which is I get to go and read at starbucks for about 2 hours) but that hasn't happened in almost 3 months.

You are a very beautiful person. You are balancing a delicate triangle that each is a full time job, mother homemaker (domestic engineer) and your paying job. Here are a few things you can do that do not require any extra time or expense. Listen to good music. Classical music can set your mood and even improve the atmosphere in your home. Good contemporary music with uplifting positive lyrics helps. OR hum or sing. Music is the language of the soul. Look around you and count your blessing. May you have abundance, (the essentials of life), happiness and health. Listen to your children's laughter and let their smiles cheer you up. Do less for your children by teaching them as they grow to do more for themselves. Be generous with sincere praise for good results.
Maintain good thoughts and a good attitude. What we think about we tend to speak about, and what we speak about we tend to bring about. Bless you for all that you are and do.

Dear clarise:

i feel the same way....i work full time sell avon part time,have 3 children, my husband is out of town working for months at a time. My son was in football and i made a friend or 2 but that sport is over and really haven't spoken to those people since. I know lots of people because i have lived in the same area all my life but don't have many friends. It seems as though life is just fast and furious and that people don't have time to spend with each other. Life and work take so much of people time any more and weekends for me are catching up on laundry and doing things that are necessary and sunday church and home again. I have more email buddies, than friends and i keep in contact that way. It is sometimes lonely without anyone by your side all the time. I feel depressed at times and wonder if there is life outside of my little world???? I understand you completely and feel the same way you do. I think most women do. Take care and god bless. Remember god is always ready to listen.

Hi Clarise,

I understand how you feel! We women need to have each other to talk to. I recommend getting involved in a moms group or even a class that you can attend w/out children. There many free groups you can get in touch with.

Good luck! :)

Warm Regards,
G.

I understand where you are coming from, I have the same situation. Work kids husband. Its hard, sometimes i feel like i am way over my head and if I made the wrong decision about having a family so young, but What helps me is that I get to pick a day to rest and my husband helps me and Its a day that I look forward too, weather its going shopping or going to lunch with my mom or even just staying at home. It doesnt have to be a weekly thing just maybe every few
weeks. but it helps me alot. I dont have many friends I just have my family, the only friend i have is the one i work with ha. but try it. good luck.

God Bless You! You are certainly not alone in feeling lonely. Maybe planning some QUALITY time with your family & a separate time for just you would help. You have to make it an appointment - just as important as showing up for work. Enroll your kids in anything - art, music, sports, dance - it doesn't matter. Then you have the opportunity to meet people. You could set play dates & trade off so sometimes you get a break. When I do this I not only don't feel guilty - I feel good! My son is having fun with friends which is important for him & I have a chance to recharge.

Please believe that you are NOT alone, it's ok to feel how you feel & it's ok for you to make it better.

I know how hard it is to make friends outside work when you have a young family. People told me about finding community at church, but church was not for me, even though I was raised Protestant. But then I learned about the Unitarian Universalist tradition which is a far better home for our family. It is known as a liberal faith. uua.org It has been great for our whole family. Church is so much more than Sunday services.
What might help is to remember what you used to enjoy before you had kids and try to get involved in that activity again. You will be rejuvinated and hopefully meet some people with the same interest again. It is so important for moms to have their own life pursuits too!

Sure, it's normal. Under the best of circumstances, being blue is very normal. Moms and wives have so much on their plates and usually not enough rest and soft places to fall. And having to work outside the home where you can't be with your little ones has to be terribly stressful. (I handled that for about 8 hours after my son was born, then I quit.) I find myself lonely and struggling for solutions on a regular basis, so I definitely understand. Feel free to contact me. ____@____.com

~ R. Johnson

I can most definitely relate as I am a working mom of 2 and the "bread winner" of the family. I'm working on trying to get my husband to be more proactive about cleaning up after himself and the girls on a daily basis so that I don't have to spend so much of my time cleaning, and can have some time for me! It's especially difficult because I work 8-4 M-F and he works 1-10 W-Su. After a long day at work, I come home to an empty house, and it's just me and the girls. It's so hard, but I try to find time for me, and I'm thankful that I have my parents and good friends that can help me accomplish that from time to time. Even still, I do have times where I get into "funks" and it's hard for me to get out of them. Find time for you, even if it's reading or doing sudoku (I love that stuff) right before bed. It's my time. I also find time at home to get online and surf some "mommy boards" Find what you need to do to relax, and DO IT!

I really do understand. I am a single mother with a 15 month old son. I really only go to work and then home. I have been out 3 times since I had the baby. After a while I guess I just started getting used to the idea of not going out or having a life. I know it will get a bit easier to get out when he gets a little bit older. I am ok with waiting until then because my son is much more important than anything else I could be doing. Luckily you have a husband that can help you out on occasion. I do not have that luxury.

Very, very normal. You need to find a hobby, friend, or place that you can have some social/alone time. If you are not getting support from your husband, maybe ask him for once a month night out with friends.

I hope you start feeling better soon. You may want to see your family care physician too, to see if it's something physical, changes in hormones, etc. I don't think you mentioned your age, but I started going through premenopausal systems in my mid to late 30's.

Take care,
K.