I have known my husband since we were teenagers and his mother seemed nice enough, we got married in our late twenties and have been very happy since, we have a nice home, great kids and just a nice life in general.
My mother in law retired recently and my son suggested she stay with us for a few months and I was all for the idea, but since coming she has shown some behaviours that I don't really want in my home.
For one, we setup a spare bedroom for her but she never leaves the sofa, she will go out during the day sometimes, come home and sit on the sofa on her laptop or using the televison and she will just go to sleep on the sofa, my husband has asked her about using her bedroom, and she has said she intends to, but still brings her blanket out onto the sofa and will go to sleep, I just find that is hogging the space of the room.
I often feel like she HAS to be superiour to me, my husband told me she has always felt the need to prove her superiority, like cheating at monopoly, but has always felt especially competative around other women.
She has this annoying habit where she refuses to eat with the family because she does not like the food I cook, so she cooks somedays and for other days I got her to share her recipes with me so that she could have dinner with us and she did, but she will just decide she does not like how it is cooked.
What really annoys me though is that she will refuse to eat with us because she can't stand my cooking or my husband's cooking but then will eat the leftovers later that night, or some days she will take her food elsewhere to eat it, which as I see it, is complete disregard for the family.
And my gosh she is so messy, my kids clean up after themselves, so does my husband but she just won't, the bedroom we set aside for her is a mess with clothes and stuff lying around everywhere, and the sofa is surrounded my things from her handbag, or rubbish or crumbs, it gives me a migraine every time I see it.
She always feels like she has something to prove, even with her own son, like I'm proud of my husband, he has a good job, he's a nice guy, a good father and a wonderful husband, for example, she is a well educated woman, if anyone ever speaks about how well my husband has done she will be very quick to pull out the "High School" card as he has dubbed it, because he failed his last year of high school, she does not even seem to make light of how he took on an accountancy apprenticeship at night school while working, got a job in a bank and moved up to Manager and is a business consultant.
As well she seems entited to do things that nobody else wants done in the house, I mean I don't care about little stuff like drinking coffee or using an E-Ciggeratte, but there are some things that she does and I just think, how is that okay, for example my family are still active mormons, her son joined when he was a teenager and he has been active ever since, she joined for a short while but she just went less active while hers on and I were serving missions, she just goes to church sometimes.
I will explain an example, we are taught to keep the sabbath day Holy, so when we get home from church my family we will read scriptures, bake together, play board games, sometimes watch a nice movie, she will come home and switch the television on, ignore whatever the family are doing, sometimes she will watch fairly violent films that I don't really want to be watched on a Sunday, my husband will speak to her about it but she will just rationalize it, brush it off, or act as if she is in the right, like she will say something like "I honor the sabbath differently to you" or "I think God is impressed enough, just me coming to church"
I mean it is none of my business how she keeps the commandments, but it is just, why couldnt she spend time with the rest of the family, or why shouldnt we be able to sit in the living room without some violent film on.
I realize I'm venting but this has been building up for a long time and today she really pulled the last straw.
I had difficulty sleeping last night and decided to take a nap in the afternoon and after I woke up she was on the phone complaining about me and said "she doesn't do anything, I can't think why she is tired" after she hung up on the phone I asked her if there was anything wrong and what she meant by that and she just outrightly told me that because I am a stay at home mom, I am basically just wasting my life and not doing anything noteworthy and that I must be a very boring person because I don't work.
According to my husband she has always held disdain for stay at home wives, she is a feminist, but not the sort that thinks men and women should be equal, the sort that thinks men and women should swap roles completely and anyone who chooses not to have that lifestyle is a terrible human being and she has always taken pride in havng worked (fair enough, its good) but also of not being a good mother to the children, I mean she is probably the only person I know who is proud to have almost never hugged her own son.
What really upsets me though is that I am not just a housewife who dotes on her husband as she insisted I was, yes I am a home maker, but I have more going on than that, I do volunteer work, I am in some clubs and take night classes and I read a lot and try to learn new things, I am pretty active during the day.
I just could not bare to be around her after she said that, I actually had to go to the car and I started crying, when my husband got home he was absolutely infuriated by what his mother had said, but instead of confronting it took me for a drive so that we could have some fun and forget about it, we have both agreed to deal with these issues, but neither of us have any idea how to do it.
Sorry that this is so long, but this has been building up and I just really needed to vent this.
Any advice?
Extra Detail:
She was supposed to stay for 6 months, she is on month 3 now.
My husband has had a number of conversations with her, but they usually end in an argument and he has trouble going against his parents.
I forgot to mention that she planned on a completely different change of scene after she retired and my husband thought the process could be sped up if she sold her house and stayed with her children in other New towns in the meantime, because when she finished work she seemed emotionally exhausted and worn down, so my husband thought it would be good for her to just recover in a small seaside town before setting herself up somewhre new.
Firstly I want to thank all of you for your support, it was really nice to see that you were all behind me and offered some wonderful advice and support.
Just to clarify, both my husband and I were happy to have her stay for such a long period of time, because she has not really shown this sort of behavior before, my husband knew she had some faults like the ones I mentioned but had not really shown them against the family before, she has visited a lot in the past, for short holidays and she has been a model house guest, I have known her since I was 14 and she was always very nice to me and has never shown me any negative feelings until she came to stay a few months ago.
My husband was very upset with her after what she said to me and there was a pretty heated conversation between them and he basically read her the riot act, firstly she had to apologize to me and show everyone in the house the respect they deserve, he also helped her clean up her guest room and switched on the Cable TV in there so the room is more to her liking, she used it last night and seems happy to continue using it.
As well her and I agreed that she would do the cooking except on nights we order in or go out to eat, that way she helps out a bit more and can eat the food she wants to.
She is going to be staying for one more month because her job application in New Orleans was accepted and her new apartment will be ready by then, she is not someone who has ever really been able to function well unless she is in her own home and has a job, I guess I can understand that.
For those of you who asked, she and my husband's father have been divorced since he was eight, they are still on fairly bad terms, but my family has a relationship with them both, although my Father in Law has always been very supportive and kind to the family.
But yeah long story short, my mother in law is staying for another month, but she has apologized and made compromises to be a nicer house guest.
I think she has been having a difficult time at the moment and she tends to lash out at people when that is the case, but as family we ought to help her through it rather than criminalize her.
Fish and guests smell after 3 days.
Having a guest for 'several months' has just worn out her welcome.
What exactly does she want to do with her retirement?
She needs to start doing it what ever it is.
And I think it's time for you and Hubby to tell her it's been a great visit but it's time for her to go home.
If she's not ready for that - get her a hotel room.
She can sit on a couch all day there and it won't bother anyone.
If she is going to stay a week then she can treat you like a hotel, but if she is staying six months then she needs to behave as part of the family.
I am sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to offer some support. Sounds rough and you sound very patient through it all. She needs to move on to her own place.
In my home she would have a month to make other living arrangements, or I would be making other living arrangements for myself and my children.
In other words she needs to go. Sorry. I am not going to tolerate that. Your husband should *not* tolerate that from his mom.
JMO.
This was a good vent. And you have a right to vent.
It is so hard to introduce a new adult to a household. No matter how beloved thy are.
Remember this quote?
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."
Benjamin Franklin
Now, what are you going to do?
What can you change about this situation?
Was this a temporary situation?
Time to either discuss all of this, or it is time to remind her she only has 2 weeks or whatever until you all will begin helping her pack up.
I know well enough that there is no way, I could have any of my parents come and live with us. We are all set in our ways, we all live very different lives and all have different priorities.
She is not going to change. She is not going to change. She is NOT going to change.
Either embrace this, Or make a plan on how YOU are going to change your attitude and beliefs to accept this or how much longer you all are going to allow her to live with you until she needs to find her own place.
Oh my goodness, you poor thing! MIL needs to go home. Your house is your safe haven, no one should have stress in their own house caused by someone who doesn't actually live there.
I love you (MIL), and it's nice when you visit, but we need to be our own family again. Next time, we'll come visit your house (but only for a few days), since we know you like things your own way, we all do.
Or something to that effect.
:)
You sound like such a great , sweet, nice person. There is really no need for you to defend yourself. Whether you do volunteer work or read is irrelevant. Your MIL has overstayed her welcome and just needs to go, sooner rather than later.
PS - I am a SAHM and take a nap almost daily!!! I consider myself lucky...not lazy:).
Does your mil own her own place and is just visiting with you or is she between places and staying with you? Because if she has her own home I'd probably have a conversation with her about when she'll be leaving. She's being disrespectful to you and your family with her actions and comments while you have opened your heart and home to welcome her in. That's not cool.
And I'd have probably cried right in front of her after overhearing that conversation. Whether you are a home maker or ceo of a fortune 500 company is really no one's business but yours and your hubby's. She doesn't get to express an opinion on what works for your family.
She needs to go. You gave it a good try, and it didn't work out. Have your husband help her find a new home where she can make friends and be active.
You deserve a life. She is a miserable person, and you don't need to voluntarily expose yourself and your kids to that kind of negative energy. This is your husband's mess to clean up.
And as for the housewife comment. I can tell you this much. After 10+ years of being a stay-at-home wife, I am back in the working world. Working full time is way easier (for me at least) than being a SAHM! You work hard and are entitled to a nap every once in a while. My MIL and SIL were always critical of my and my husband's decision to stay home with the kids. I will never regret that decision. How sad that your MIL is jealous and competitive with you. It's quite pathetic.
MIL needs to go.
She is entitled to her opinions. She is not entitled to disrespect you and your choices while living in your home.
She is not acting like a good guest. She has overstayed her welcome.
Please don't be passive aggressive about this as some have recommended below. Be open and honest. Talk with your husband and determine the best course of action and then let her know what it is together. Neither of you have to be the "bad guy." Present a united front and make it clear that "these are the rules in our home and if you don't want to abide by them, you have 2 weeks to find another place to live" or whatever you decide.
I'm sorry this is happening. :-(
"Hey look at this nice rent-control apartment I found! It's well within your new budget, and I'm sure you would love to have your own space again!"
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24
You're a religious family. This is the Bible verse you need to put down in front of your husband.
Your husband has not been honest with you, E.. He moved his mother into your home knowing that she would try to take over the home and establish herself over you. It was wrong of your husband to do this. He needs to change his attitude and remember that "not going against his parents" means hurting his marriage and his children.
It is time to cut this 6 month thing short. No matter how she argues, he needs to tell her that she cannot stay.
He can't fix this. He just has to tell her to go. It's that simple. You are his wife and you come first.
It is time for her to go. I would just tell her it's not working out for anyone. If you could get that done, you could reassess after she leaves as far as what will happen in your future with her. Everyone needs their own space back. So sorry. Sounds very difficult right now.
oof.
sounds like there has been way too much togetherness.
you really only have 2 choices here. to suck it up and learn to live with this unpleasant person plopped in the middle of your life (i don't recommend this) or a loving conversation with her that centers around 'we love you, but this isn't working out. how can we help you find your retirement home so you can start living the next phase of your life?'
khairete
S.
You invited her to stay for several months. Why, I cannot imagine. But you invited her there. It's not like you didn't know her. She is not interested in living your lifestyle. She is accustomed to being independent and doing her own thing. Why would you have her stay with you for six months? That's not a visit, that is moving in. You don't need this woman living with you. Send her home.
Welcome to mamapedia!
Talk with your husband and set an end date. Period. No exceptions.
On the day before she is to leave, ask her if she wants to do laundry or needs help with packing. This obviously is NOT working out.
I can't imagine having a slug in my house. My mom nor my MIL were slugs. Heck - I was a SAHM when they came to visit and my house is generally clean - but when they were here? I didn't have to do SQUAT!! My house was even CLEANER!!! Laundry done EVERY day - ironed, hung, folded...all we had to do was put away... i'm truly sorry your MIL is a slug!!
Don't worry about what SHE "thinks" - it's obvious she doesn't. I don't know you personally - but I think what you have done is beyond nice. I wouldn't have kept my tongue as long as you have. Especially after overhearing a conversation about my taking a nap. I am SOO glad to hear you say you confronted her about it!!
You and your husband MUST be on the same page. Do NOT allow her to come between you and your husband. She's an unhappy person who wants everyone around her to be unhappy.
Good luck!! You have my thoughts and prayers!
If your husband feels in a way similar to you it's time for him to tell her this is not working. It's time to find her own place. No need to even go into her behavior. You've discovered that your family needs to have their home back to the way it was. We love you but we need our own space. She will push to know details. Don't go there. She'll tell you all the reasons you're wrong. Be clear in a matter of fact way.
Since the agreement was for 6 months and it's been 3 months it's time to start looking anyway. Is it possible she expects to stay longer? Why is she staying there now? Is she short of money, not have a good enough credit history or? Perhaps Iit would help to focus on the issue that put her in your house.
E., your venting is more than understandable. My mother always used to say that guests and fish stink after three days - but six months?
Is there a chance your MIL has decided she will move in for good? If that's what she's thinking, she needs to know that it isn't going to happen. Does she have a home of her own to go back to, or does she need to find one?
You say your husband has trouble going against his parents. Does that mean his father is around? Are his parents married to one another? If so, why isn't his father visiting as well?
From what you write, your MIL would be difficult in any event. People with a chronic attitude of "Nobody's going to tell me what to do" are always hard to deal with.
But she also sounds possibly depressed - which might not be surprising in view that she has just had a major life change (her retirement).
Would you and your husband mind running that idea past a family counselor? I don't mean you should feel sorry for her; I just mean you need to take the possibility into consideration and learn what to do with it.
Is there any indication that your mother is drinking, or misusing drugs (even prescription ones)? That includes the e-cigarette.
Anyone raised by abusive or domineering parents will find it hard to confront those parents. But this is wrecking your marriage relationship. I think it's safe to say that your MIL is arrogantly showing contempt for everything about you and your husband - your marriage, your family and your lifestyle - and she's doing it deliberately.
In addition, when she puts you down, she is left-handedly putting down her son. I have no doubt she knows she can walk on him and wants to do that.
I have a difficult MIL myself. In fact, my whole in-law family is, um, interesting. One of my husband's sisters displayed much of the behavior you describe the last time she visited (which didn't last for months). Nobody said anything to her - they just tiptoed around her - which is the way that family operates.
My MIL came to visit us about three years ago, stayed four weeks, argued most of the time, went back home, blew her stack by mail, almost cut her son out of the family, and did cut me out of the family. That's sad but, in another perspective, it's a small price to pay. My husband chooses to deal with her. I'm not surprised or dismayed by that, because I know what he grew up with.
Of course there's nothing wrong with your being a homemaker. NO job is more important. NO job is more difficult! You know it. Consider your MIL's contempt to be praise, if you know what I mean.
Please keep us posted. I'm praying that you and your husband will get through this with your relationship stronger than ever.
Either suck it up for 3 more months or kick her out. This is what often happens if you live with extended family, especially mothers or mothers-in-law.
She's rude. Maybe you can just be the better person and just deal with it until December, or whenever her time is up. Just be sure she doesn't stay any longer than 6 months.
She's a pain, don't take it personally.
Just stick with the original plan and be happy that she won't be around much longer.
She DOES have money, a plan, a place to go after she leaves your home, right?
I hope for your sake she didn't just think six months was going to turn into forever!
Big Hugs....you are far too kind, and thankfully your husband found in you what he lacked as a child....a loving women. Anyway, as a working mother of two, don't let anyone fool you that it's much more difficult working than being a SAHM, or worthy for than matter. Trust me, we working mom's have it EASY. When both my kids were newborns and I started back with work, I pulled the night shifts to let their father or my mother help out during the day. I knew THEY needed the rest more than I did! SAHM's don't get a break, sometimes don't get a shower, or have a meal.Hats off to all the strong SAHM's who are making a difference in their child's life. As for your in-law, get rid of her soon and limit all future visits so that everyone has a good time as a family! Everyone has shortfall as well as strengths, let's celebrate her strengths, set her up to win so that EVERYONE wins! I'm also speaking from personal experience! We only meet for dinner with some family members so they can be a joy to be around. Any longer, and she's just mean and yells a lot!
Sounds like it's time for your mother in law to go home! Tell your husband he needs to tell her. Not "ask" her, "tell" her!
She's a straight up narcissist. She's disrespectful of your feelings, property, children and time. Why are you so tired? Perhaps because you're cleaning up after her all day, cooking for her or explaining to your children why her behavior is wrong so it won't rub off. And believe me, they will sink to her level before she rises to yours. What are you teaching your children? Thats its ok for someone to disrespect their parents as long as they are family? So then why shouldn't they? Or maybe the lesson is that its ok to let others walk all over you, use you and then be cruel to you...I sure hope that doesn't carry over. You are not presenting as a strong, confident, self loving person to your kids. If you can't get her out because you and your husband are not strong enough for yourselves at least do it for your children.
This woman is being emotionally abusive and it sounds like she has abused your husband as a child and he didn't even know it- so now he is afraid of her, she trained him that way. But she didn't train you that way, YOU have to stand up for your family. Your husband is a scared little boy when it comes to her, he can't help it. You have to stick up for him and your kids. ONLY you can do it. Tell me, if your husband treated you this way would you stay with him? If a stranger on the street said cruel things to you would you walk away or take it and ask for more? I would hope not. It doesn't make it ok for anyone to treat you this way.
Tell your husband you understand that he can't and ask if he will back you up if you take the lead here. He will be so relieved! My MIL is an emotionally abusive narcissist just like this woman in every way and after 7 years I finally took the lead and my husband was so relieved, he felt that I was protecting him and our child and it felt great for him.
She eats in private because she knows that if she insults your cooking and then eats it she will be a hypocrite so she eats in private. Such passive aggressive behavior but this way she can do whatever she wants.She logically knows that you are aware that she's eating but it doesn't matter, no one calls her on it.
Treat her like a child that misbehaves because thats what she is, a spoiled child. Tell her that her that food is to be eaten on the kitchen table, that her room must be picked up, that she must watch approved tv on the sabbath. Your house, your rules. Post the rules on the refrigerator. If she cannot abide tell her you are very worried about her mental health and say that you are going to make an appt with a psychiatrist because your afraid she may be getting Alzheimer's since she lacks the ability to follow simple tasks. Ask around at your church for alternative living arrangements. Provide 3 options for her as far as places to live and tell her if she doesn't pick one that you willl choose and that she will find her belongings there on October 1st no matter what.
Unplug the cable and the TV on Sunday. Rules of the "house". Also, make sure you casually mention the departure date and I would go as far as to invite a DIFFERENT house guest - an old college friend? an aunt? a cousin?- to come and stay with you the date she is leaving, so she will know she can't extend her stay past that. Just matter of fact - put it on the calendar in pen "Aunt Rose coming to stay" ...This woman is clearly jealous of your situation so maybe have some compassion for her but make sure she respects your religion in the house and make sure her stay is temporary.
I feel bad for your husband. He's in the middle. He loves you but this is his parents. Don't do this. Just tolerate it best you can.
Here's what you do, Okay?
Disconnect the TV in the living room, put it in her room. Sit on your own darn couch until the wee hours, let a kid lay down with their head in your lap so the couch is taken, pull a table over and do your homework on it, don't give in one time or she has you.
As for the Sabbath day. I grew up going to a Baptist church at the end of the street. I wasn't part of a religious family. I was the only one in my family even going. So it wasn't uncommon for us to go fishing, go to the store, etc....
When I joined the church I figured there were rules and traditions. My daughter lived with her dad when I married hubby and when she'd come visit she'd rebel. She had a hard teen life. She finally had to go into state custody because neither her dad or I could handle her. For instance, she stole a neighbors car at 13 to joy ride on Air Depot, dad lived on the far SW side of OKC so not only did she drive their van on regular streets she drove it on I-35 too.
So she went to a school for kids with serious issues. She lived there for a year then went from youth shelter to youth shelter to youth shelter.
While she was in the shelters we'd go each weekend to visit her from our town. We'd spend the night in a hotel and go to a different church nearly every weekend.
I heard every one of them teach a different ideal on what the Sabbath day was, what was allowed, and what was the big no no.
According to the university town wards watching a football game together as a family on Sunday is perfectly fine. In another town it was sinful to take a nap on Sunday, being slothful and everything.
In one ward I heard it from the pulpit that you should not change out of your Sunday clothes, should not read anything but the scriptures, cooking is not allowed so if you weren't a good LDS sister and didn't cook for the entire weekend on Saturday then you weren't much of a mother. Seriously, I think he was trying to say being prepared and plan ahead to allow Sunday to be a family day but it didn't come out that way at all, I was very offended by this biggot/man.
Then in my own ward I've heard it all but the biggest of course is shopping on Sunday. One mom won't allow money to change hands on Sunday. She won't even pay her tithes on Sunday because that is money changing hands. She sends it in the mail so she won't be a sinner in that act.
So it all depends on what you and hubby have decided is fine for your family. I had a wonderful MIL, I miss her every day. She wasn't a member of the church but she acted like one of the better ones. Those who remember what charity means and what loving others as yourself meant. She would give away the clothes off her back if someone had even the tiniest need. She was a great role model and wonderful woman. My FIL was in the Mormon Youth Choir once upon a time but dropped out to join the military. He hasn't been back yet but he always ends up with the BEST home teachers. They are always those who come out every month and if they see something needing to be done they show up in a day or two in work clothes and just do it.
I was so very lucky in my in-laws.
So what you have to do is take back your house, getting the TV out of that room will help her be drawn into her own room. If it's the TV she likes that is. If it's the bed is uncomfortable or the couch is very comfortable or she might not like being in a bedroom away from people. I hated when my hubby traveled out of the country and would sleep on the couch. I would sleep with the TV on so it would fool my brain into thinking I wasn't alone in the house.
If you guys are playing games put in the LDS hymns on CD if you can take that for that long. Or some Janice Kapp Perry. I love her music and it's not a funeral dirge. I am not in Utah so I don't have the LDS radio station on the radio. I listen to local christian music all the time. It's so uplifting to hear positive stuff. There are many groups out there that sing and play rock that is fun to listen to.
You could DVR Studio C and play it while you're playing games on Sunday, some other show that's on the BYU TV station like Sue Thomas FBI or Granite Flats. Something that the whole family can watch and she won't have access to rule the house.
Just take back your house and make it yours again. Love her and tolerate her. She's your family for a long long long long long time. I hope she'll have a softer heart and be more open to you.
Here's a song to hopefully help you feel better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DulpWl66P8
And here are some other songs that are easy to listen to and fell the spirit.
Time for a family meeting and tell it like it is. Clearly she didn't plan out her retirement too well and your husband though well-meaning didn't understand that she isn't very grateful. So I suggest 1) family meeting and get everything out in the open and 2) step up the time limit if she cannot understand or join your family. I think she doesn't sleep in the bedroom because she isn't feeling like she is going to stay there forever and therefore doesn't want to get too settled. The messiness and just sitting there are signs of depression. She is undoubtedly so depressed that she isn't moving into any action to change life. Perhaps if you can stand it push her into some sort of volunteer time or part time job. You are polar opposites. you value your home and your family. She might value her family but lived her life with an identity in some profession. She cannot seem to transition into this new life and confronting a life that possibly someone made fun of her for wanting years back. (My EX mother in law thought I was a bumb being a stay at home for a little while-although that's what she did for years). What happened to FIL? Is she divorced or did he die? if either are the case, besides retirement she might be going through grieving or loss. The point is this has got to come out in the open. If she is going to stay, buy her a cheap television at a flea market and insist she sit in the assigned bedroom. And if she can afford it, help her find a nearby cheap apartment where you can be on hand but she can build her own life with all of you as only support.
I feel sorry for you. It IS your home. Tell your husband he has x amount of time to talk to mom and get her out or you are moving out. He cannot serve two masers.
Mom has to adjust to retirement on her own. No one can make her happy and least of all you. I know I have made it quite clear to my husband about how I feel about moving his mother (94) into my house. I love her from afar. Her time in life and growing up in America are different than now and she does not fit in well. I cannot be a "trained" seal and entertain her and live my life and will not.
Look around for senior citizen housing or such in your area not too close and visit. Make it a priority and mean it. Do not back down on any of her demands. Her leaving all her stuff in my living room would cause me to get the big black garbage bag and toss.
As they say your house your rules or hit the bricks. Life is too short for all of this BS. MIL needs to make new friends, get hobbies and travel and not hang out with you guys before you really explode on her and she will never recover from what comes out your mouth.
Keep us posted.
the other S. recovering from surgery
