Loveless Marriage - Chicago,IL

I have no advice..as I am looking for answers as well. I could have written this post............any one want to help

Try to act toward him the way you would like him to act toward you. Act like you are in love with him - give him a smile and a kiss when he walks in the door, that kind of thing. See if that changes things. Good luck!

I am sorry you are going through this.

There are a few things I have read recently that may help. The first thing I read is that in a successful marriage, you will fall in love (and out) many times throughout the marriage. I like that. I think about my grandma and grandpa, who were married 70 years until Grandma passed a few weeks ago. People kept talking about how Grandma was always his sweetheart and he loved her to the end. I started to feel bad, like "Wow, now THAT'S love, and my marriage would never be that strong..." But ya know, I KNOW for a fact that they had some reaaaally tough times. Who knows, maybe even times that nearly broke them, and maybe the love disappeared for a while...Her father died of a heart attack the day they eloped, and she held on to that guilt for at least 25 years. I can imagine that could be very damaging to a marriage. They were different religions, in fact she was very against his religion and they fought about that, heatedly, at least the first 15 years of marriage. Who knows what else. The fact is, they held on. They weathered the storm. And now everyone goes on and on about their perfect marriage which probably was not all that rosy all the time but worked out in the long run.
The other thing I read, and I will try to find a link to the story, was a story about a man who was having an affair and asked his wife for a divorce. They were no longer "in love". She said, ok, but give it one month. I don't want anything from you, except for you to carry me across the threshold (to our bedroom) every day, like when I was a bride". Ok, he said, weird request, but whatever. So he did. And the first few times it was awkward. And then it got easier. And then finally a few days later he realized he didn't want a divorce... he was just bored and things had gotten too routine...

Anyway, who knows if that was a fictional story or not, but I think that the point of the story can hold true. There is no reason you guys couldn't fal back in love. Hell, my mother in law and father in law divorced, started dating again a few years later, and now have been re-married to each other 9 years! You can fall back in love. Start with a date night. Try sitting next to each other on the couch, touching. Try sending him a nice text message during the day, something other than "don't forget the milk". Sit down together and set some mutual goals- I swear that always brings us together because we are working as a team. I think you can do it. If you try hard on your end, and you are committed to showing him you care, I think it will be reciprocated. It will probably start off awkwardly, but it can grown into something beautiful again. Good luck!

**Here's a link to that story, it is a tearjerker
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/carry.asp

Marriage is a like a garden, if left untended it will wither and die.
Before you call the lawyer, or the therapist, start DATING again.
Obviously you loved each other at some point. You went out, had fun, dreamed of the future, made babies together, all of that good stuff.
So get dolled up, and plan something special, even if you don't "feel" like it.
You don't need to spend a lot of money. Have a family member babysit, or trade babysitting with a friend.
Go do something FUN, something that will get you laughing, dancing, talking, whatever. Go bowling, shoot pool, have drinks, go see a really funny movie. FLIRT with him. Take a long, kid free walk, and TALK to each other.
If it's over, it's over, but with three kids you should at least try to reconnect before giving up. We all get in a rut sometimes, but the only one to pull you out of the rut is YOU, so go for it, at least TRY!!!

I feel by watching my parents' marriage, my friends' marriages & others
around me that marriage has an ebb & flow.

Alan Alda said it best in the movie Four Seasons, I think it was. Marriage
is like a roller coaster. It has it's up and downs.

I don't believe there is any perfect marriage.

I think if I lived w/my sister or very best friend after 15 or 40 years we'd
find things to fight about & our relationship would change.

Not to diminish how you are feeling (I have felt like this too) but I feel most
times we can actually re-connect w/our other halves & save a marriage.

Outside stresses are hard on a marriage: kids, fiinances & work.

I definitely suggest couple counseling if he'll go. If not, then individual
counseling to help you.

Also, try & spend some time sitting in the same room together. First, just to watch tv.

Then start small by asking questions about his day. Then share yours if he won't ask about yours.

It took time to get to this point, it will take time to dig it's way out.

But it can happen! It can. Not always but it can.
If you have kids, it might be worth the try.

I went through this myself & being w/o my child half the time was terrible.
We did not reconcile for the kids but I sure am glad we did for their sake and ours.

Hang in there and ask yourself some tough questions:
-have I changed?
-what have I done to help deteriorate this marriage?
-in what small way can i re-connect w/my partner on a basic level?
-what do I ultimately want? Not immediately but in 5 years? To be a
family? To be together w/my kids? Etc.
-start small, grow big.
It can happen. I've seen it in several marriages.

Wishing you the best & send you hugs!

Don't give up yet!!! I think most of us could have written this exact post at some time or another in our marriage. It is hard work, but if it is worth salvaging then do what it takes to rescue it!! God does not want you to suffer in your marriage and certainly doesn't want you or your children to be in a place that is unsafe, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like everything has become familiar and boring. The devil works on us in these little ways, trying to make us think that our marriages are train wrecks or there is nothing else more to give. I urge you (and your husband too) to read the following books and/or attend the following marriage workshops:
The Five Love Languages- when I read your post, this book came to mind first. Perhaps you both just don't know what little things in life makes your heart go pitter-patter after the initial "falling in love euphoria" diminishes. This book can help you identify which language you respond to most and also what he responds to as well. By Gary Chapman. He also gives workshops too.

Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is phenomenal and I hear his workshop is awesome too. If my church offers it again, I am signing my husband and I up for it. I think it offers such amazing advice. Men tend to respond to feelings of respect while the women respond to gestures of love. Go to www.loveandrespect.com

His Needs, Her Needs by `Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a great book. It is really helpful with advice for intimacy and sex issues. Women are wired so different from men when it comes to sex. This book really helps explain that well.

Power of the Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Another great book when you feel at a loss over this. I don't know what your religious background is, but this is another great book to help give another perspective on the situation that can help make yourself better as well as your relationship with your husband. Good luck and God Bless!
HTH,
A.

My husband and I have been married for almost 31 years and I can say that not every single one of those years was great. There were months that I could barely look at him (I believe that was just around the 10 year mark too). I think it is just stress from having jobs, children, money issues, etc. I can say that it does get better but you do have to work on it and be patient. One thing we had going for us is we have always had many friends and we stayed connected to them even though we were very busy. We took one night per week and did something with friends or just with us. It made us feel more like we counted as people and not just mom and dad. It also reminded us that we did love each other, we were just letting all the day-to-day stuff get in the way. Now we have the house to ourselves (when college is in session) and we really do enjoy each others company. I remember being worried that we would have nothing in common once the kids were gone but it just isn't that way at all. Good luck, I hope you guys can figure it out.

Not really sure if you've tried talking about this with him, or how this all came about, but I would start with marriage counseling before deciding to throw in the towel. You owe at least that much to the children you chose to have together. If he won't go with you, go alone for yourself. Seems like somewhere along the line, the communication has broken down and there's no longer any "spark." Maybe if you guys could have a date night at least once a week, just the 2 of you, and start talking to each other again, it will help get that spark back.

it's because neither of you are trying. plain and simple.

either you want to stay in the marriage, or you don't. if you want to stay, you need to FIX it before it eats away at your soul. sounds like it already is. so then your kids have a miserable depressed mother. how is that better than a broken home?

so work WITH hubby to fix it. if he's not willing, or you're not, it's time to walk.

if you both ARE willing, you do ANYTHING - and i mean ANYTHING to fix it. BOTH of you. TOGETHER. as a TEAM. you work together to figure out what that "anything" might be. whether it's therapy, date nights, or a couple's retreat...no one can answer that but the two of you.

neither of you are honoring your children by stubbornly clinging to a fake family.

Counseling is a place to start. The two of you need to have a conversation about your issues as well apart from any counseling you seek. You will need your family and loved ones to be there for you if/when you decide to end things so while I can understand that you don't want anyone to know it's best to not keep things burdened within yourself. I wish you the best.

Dear Mommy M, I am sad to hear you experiencing this trial in your marriage. However, I want to applaud you for reaching out. The fact that you are even doing so shows you care about your husband...although your feelings are being challenged. I have had several friends and relatives who have worked through similar issues with the help of Christian counseling. A movie that one of my good friends strongly recommends is" Fireproof." It stars Kirk Cameron. I do believe that love is a choice. You are showing love by choosing to fight for your marriage. My prayers are with you and your husband that God will restore intimacy and renew your friendship so that you can talk about the hard things and work through them together. God is able to restore...please believe! My aunt and uncle were headed for divorce after 20+ yrs. Now they counsel other couples. I pray that something I shared will help...my prayers are with you. Stay strong!

I agree with Veronica. Have you had a heart to heart? Don't mean to defer to the old stand by response, but I think some counseling may help. Getting a different perspective, getting permission (or even direction) to focus on each other. My husband and I have those days too, and it's been 9 yrs for us. Luckily, we ebb and flow, so I'm still confident about our commitment to each other and our future.

I think it's hard with kids too. They become the priority and everything falls to the wayside. All of a sudden, the marriage is work, when it used to be fun.

Sending the best your way.

No one can figure out this for you , unfortuantly...... but would be really good if you can move out of your comfortzone of " Life with a friend " by attending marriage counsoling. I am not sure you really know your done, til it all comes out and dealt with to end saying its done. It could take a year.......but it may be better then how life is today. You may find your way back to one another again.

My parents went on a marriage weekend retreat and came away much closer together, maybe look for one of those. The one they went to was Christian based, but I don't know if that would be of interest to you. But, you can do a lot of healing by getting to know each other again.

Try to sit down and just talk to each other...not about the kids, bills, etc but about YOU. What do you like? Want to do? What makes you happy? It sounds like you have just moved away from each other.

First, your marriage is not a train wreck. He is not abusing you, cheating on you. You do not have someone else on the side that you would rather be with. You just lost the spark.

I noticed some people suggested therapy. That could help for sure.

I think your first step is to write down what you use to have, with each other, that you no longer have. Go back to the newlywed days and think about what made you guys a great couple. You just need to get the spark back!

Three kids and work is a lot. The days roll right in to one another and before you know it another year is gone. You guys need to do things together, as a couple. Do you have date nights? That is critical to a good relationship, especially if one person is at home all day with the kids. Do you ever get away, without the kids, even for just one night?

Lastly, you guys need to talk. If he is passing you and you are not saying anything to each other, that's not good. Make your list of the things you miss. The things that you wish you still did together. Then talk! I'm sure he is feeling the same way. You guys can't just keep going on like this, but it can be fixed. Talking to him about your feelings is the first step. The door will open after that.

No advice. Just wondering whether you've talked to him about it.