Love Life After Children

Try having a date night. Get a sitter and go out to dinner or a movie. You both need to reconnect with each other and bring the romance back in the relationship.

Nanc

It is harder. But the kids can go to bed earlier. and like when you go to bed, hopefully the kids are sleeping...so that's a good time to be cozy together. also I've found that sometimes we will wake up about 30 minutes after I've fallen alseep....or Dh will first and he will woo me awake.

Hi R.,

I would make time for him when he gets home. After the kids are in bed. Believe I know that is hard. I do it myself, I am so so exhausted. He tells me he understands, however he needs some attention. At least he is telling me. Most men would keep it to themselves and go outside the marrage for that attention. Sometime I believe it does just happen when someone gives them a little time and its just them to alone. This is my opinion, I would make time as fast. I have read most couples really have intamacy issues when the children are small and this is when they look for it somewhere else. Good Luck! :)

Alone time... actually this is one of the only things we argue about. I know that it sounds strange, but my husband and I sat down and had a conversation about what is/not realistic. We also talked about how tiring it is to work all day and then come home to make dinner, clean the house and take care of our very energetic toddler.

Hint hint... he needed to help-out when he got home. We divided-up the daily chores so that when JD goes to bed at 7:30 I'm not ready for bed too! We didn't exactly schedule our "grown-up" time, but we did agree to a frequency and timing. After 10:00 pm?... not tonight.

We also started going out once a month w/o the baby. Sometimes we both forget that we were "husband and wife" before we were "mommy and daddy". We have a great sitter who comes once a month and we go out- someplace that may not be pricey but requires high heels! Just a reminder that we can have a glass of wine and talk about random things makes it easier to stay connected.

Do yourself a favor... call a sitter, buy a great item of clothing and go out to dinner (or lunch) with your husband! It's not a cure, but it's a start.

Without getting too specific, we have two kids - 2 1/2 and 6 months. They both go to bed around 8 pm. The two year old has a routine...and we've got it down to a science. Night time is nurse the baby, everybody eats dinner, bathtime for the two littles, nurse the baby again, put him in his crib, brush big sister's teeth, read her two stories, sing two songs, say a prayer and LEAVE. At the latest, we shut her door at 8:30. (There's a child-proof handle inside, so she can't follow us out. I don't want my toddler wandering around while I'm asleep! That's dangerous.)

That leaves us with from about 8:30-10 to do whatever we need to do. Sometimes, it's him unwinding with a thriller movie while I sew (like last night). We make time for the kind of "alone time" that I think you're talking about once or twice a week. (Usually once.) We have to schedule it ahead of time, otherwise when the TV goes off and the sewing machine shuts down and the books are closed, it's 10:15 and we want nothing more than to fall into bed and pass out.

Getting the kids to bed on time is important for us because a) it means they'll be happier the next day and b) we need that little bit of Big People time every day to keep ourselves sane.

Does that help???? It does take work to have "alone time", and planning. Sometimes, it even takes stubbornness. We need that time to recharge, whether we're too tired or not. Sometimes, too, when he just wants to play video games, I'll pull out a project and just sit next to him. Physical Proximity is better than nothing! It's hard with your husband working late...but try to schedule some time for you two.

Good luck!!!!

I raised 2 girls and a boy by myself, so I didn't know what it was like having a partner. I'd had the occassional boyfriend, but nothing serious enough to worry about alone time. We found time to be alone. Usually with babysitters, or my kids' father, so we could go out of the house.

I now have 4 children, 18, 16, 8, and 2 1/2. We live with my youngest's father, he moved in with us 1 1/2 years ago, finally deciding he wants us to be a family.

I have my older daughters babysit when we need to get out for ourselves. It seems kind of selfish, but the teenagers get to do what they want, mostly when they want, and I usually drive them most of the time when they go out, plus they have money to go out, and not allowance, they dont do much around the house. They can at least do something for me once a month.

My birthday is the day before Valentines Day, so we went out for the weekend! Got a motel room friday night, ate out, relaxed at the motel, then went out for a late breakfast, then a great dinner, and tried to get in a movie, but we were so relaxed and full, we went back to the motel again and slept in before breakfast and then shopping and home.
For his birthday, a month later, we left the house saturday morning, had a late breakfast/lunch out, registered into a motel, shopped a bit, dinner, motel to relax, breakfast in the morning, a little more shopping, then home.

Of course, we cannot afford to do this often, and again, it does seem selfish, not to take the kids, but we deserved it. We haven't done it since, but we did just go to a great dinner last week, alone.

You need to find time for yourselves, without the kids. Become yourselves again. Ask a family member to come to your house, or take the kids to theirs, or a local babysitter. put the kids to bed a little earlier and on a friday or saturday night, go out to dinner and a movie. I know its tiring, take a nap during the day. have someone else take the kids to the park or the mall for an hour or two.
It is somewhat normal to feel the way you are, but its not healthy! Its hard work to keep it all going; kids, husband, kids, work, kids, shopping, kids, cleaning. You need time for yourself, by yourself, and with your husband.

Good luck

Finding one on one time can sometimes be a hassle, especially when you have a blended family. My two kids are with us all the time, ages 3 and 5. We devote our day to work, school, and then playtime with the kids, dinner, and 'quite time'. The kids are in bed by 7:30/8pm. Many say this is early, but it is perfect for my children, as they will sleep till 6:30a when I get them up.

With the kids going to bed around 8pm, we do our own things till around 9 usually. I catch up on the bills while doing a load of laundry, he cleans up the yard and loads the dishwasher from dinner, usual household things.

For us, OUR TIME usually starts about 8:30/9p, and we stay up till 10 or 11. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we watch a movie, sometime we have a little 'fun', but that is our time to be together. Sometimes we are tired, restless, etc, and on those nights we just cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or else get out the scrabble board out and play for an hour or so. Don't judge how things are based on how many 'fun' nights you get. Our 'fun' nights come around 3-4 times a week, but sometimes when things are busy we have none. It all balances out in the end.

It is hard to make time for yourself when you live for your kids, but it is also very easy to give an extra hug and a kiss, which takes only 60 seconds. Just remember to say I Love You, Give a little slap on the backside once in a while to keep it fresh and interesting, and remind him and yourself how attracted you are to each other.

P.S. If neither of you are night people, there is no reason why you can't wake up one morning 30-45 minutes early and have your time with each other then. There are very interesting ways to wake a spouse up that will give you a positive response.

Whatever you do, DO NOT schedule 'fun' times. I read this is what a lot of couples are doing, but when you do this, you have the added pressure feeling that you HAVE to do something. Love is a random expression, and so should be when you show it.

Good Luck!

My husband and I work towards our sexual relationship. We got a great deal of suggestions from the folowing: "How to date your wife' and "The Sex-starved marriage". It is hard work but worth it.

Cin

Well, you are not alone. I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old and since the baby was born there had been almost nothing. The ugly, painful c-section that got infected was not a good start. Then constant colds brought home from preschool...it is just getting ridiculous. The only time we get is if the 3 year old goes to the grandparents for an overnight. Otherwise it is after midnight by the time we get to bed and we are just too tired by then. Earlier bedtimes for the kids hasn't worked for us (the baby likes to stay up late and sleep in!). I am working on getting a babysitter that the kids like and are used to. Since your problem is partly your teen, can you help him find and activity (or just send him to a movie occasionally). I do hear you about living in a tiny apartment since we are in an apartment as well. But I know I managed in tiny, shared dorm room in college so there must be some way...

Ours went to Sunday school on Sunday mornings and we stayed home. One Sunday we forgot to pick them up...

Hello! Boy - Been there :) What my husband and I did was literraly SCHEDULE our time! I'm not sure what your frequency was BK (Before kids,) but we started out at once a week. We both found that the mornings worked best. I was alwsays too tired at the end of the day, and after having kids hanging on me all day the last thing I wanted was for someone to be pawing :) at me. My husband still had work to do at night. So, we just decided to start our mornings off right at least every Thursday. So, like it or not, on Thursday mornings we did it. We were never sorry, and we both ALWAYS felt better afterwards. The key is to both be commited to the "schedule" try to have a possitive attitude, and keep it as an important part of your routine. Go get some lovin'!

I can relate. We have no love life to speak of. Nothing. We try and watch tv together or a movie at least once a week, but it doesn't always work out. My oldest is 16, my daughter is almost 4 and y youngst is 2 1/2. Our problem is the teenager - he never goes away!!!!!! We live in a very small aprtment where all sounds carry, so rght there is killing it for us. My husband also works crazy hours and I go to school full time. I miss our love life and we joke that someday in or 60's we'll get it back. I just try to approach it with humor and I know that we love each other, so we squeeze it in whenever we can. We make sure that we talk everyday several times so that we stay "connected". I don't know if this helps. Although I must admit it's nice not to have to shave my legs everyday - lol. So there is a positive side!!!!! Good luck!!!

Its hard! I find that early mornings, late at night, and weekend nap times are times for a little "action" Even if I am to tired or don't really want to participate I just give in (most times, not all the time) 1) B/c its just good for the marriage. 2)Its good for me when my husband isn't bothering me about it all the time - LOL 3)Many times it actually turns out to be fun for me too, if it not well, at least I know that my husband will be happier which - go back to #2, makes me happier in the long run. Again - LOL!

Aside from that, it really helps to schedule out a night or two out alone. I find that whenever my husband and I actually have that, I remember why we fell in love and its all good.

Hi R., Yes, this is a very important issue. Most couples go through this. When I married my second husband I already had 3 teenagers. We had 2 more together. He worked late hours so the children were mine to get bathed and to bed. I would sing them to sleep and many times take a nap. He being younger had some more energy. The times we were both tired we at least cuddled and hugged. You should really try to get away if you can(even for one over night) It is so important to your marriage. Now at over 60 I still have time and energy for my husband, Grandma Mary

Hi R.-

There seems to be two issues in your question - alone time versus intimate time. While I can't put a number on our intimate time (I'm 29 weeks and I spent most of the 2nd trimester avoiding intimate contact and still haven't gotten the bug again yet...), I think our alone time happens daily. If it leads to a more intimate session then that generally makes both of us happy.

I would say that you need to make time together a priority.

The first step is an open and honest discussion about what each of you need and what each of you desire. These are often very different things. Then you need to decide how to achieve a balance around those (potnetially) 4 variables.

In our house, we aim for an 8pm bedtime. This may mean I do dishes while he does bath then we both read our daughter stories and do kisses good night. Then we evaluate the time we have left to the day and discuss how it is to be spent - can he work in his woodshop for an hour? Can I get online? Do we need to do bills? Does one of us need more attention that night (i.e. due to a bad day at work, etc)? And we set about our individual activities making sure that we get at least 1/2 an hour together before crashing into bed. I know that sounds kind of regimented, but after a while, it comes naturally.

The key is when one of us talks about "going to bed early", we make every effort to do that and skip the woodworking, dishes, folding laundry, whatever! Trust me, all those things will be there the next day. And happy parents make for happy kids.

The other thing I would advise is adjusting your thinking about when "alone time" happens. Sometimes going to bed early means just that - I need extra sleep - but it also generally means I have more energy in the AM and wake up a little earlier. This time is just as good (if not better) than time spent at the end of the day!! Also, with this pregnancy, time spent after the 2AM pee break has been most enjoyable.

Talk first. Then work out your schedules. Make it a priority to do something together every day! And remember, sometimes it is the simple things - even a walk together holding hands - that count as being intimate.

Good luck!
~C.

My husband works very long hours so our "alone time" happens pretty much in the weekend. So once or twice a week is our norm ;)) However we have weeks when it could be 4-5 and weeks that there's none. Either way we are always spending time together after we put our little boy to bed and we usually stay up late at night watching movies or simply catching up. Oh if it were up to him that number would be much higher...LOL oh well!

It is always a challenge as you can see from others' responses. We may offer some good tips, but ultimately, you and your hubby have to define what is doable and normal for you as a couple. My husband and I do have our date nights or date breakfasts where we leave the house and go out to eat, take in a movie or even go for a nature hike (without the children). We grab intimacy when we can get it and try to make it as fun as possible when we can "hook up." And believe me, I don't like missing any sleep since I can't seem to get more than 6 hours if that. However, it is a small price to pay to reignite the romance. I think the suggestion to spend one night per week with some alone time is a good way to start. I know it sounds so premeditated (and unspontaneous) but believe it or not it does help and you will begin to look forward to that time together. I hope this is helpful.

Unfortunately for me and my husband, our love life has kind of vanished after having our three kids. Not sure if it's the kids necessarily, or just the exhaustion I have from the long commute and hard hours at work. Probably a combo of things. There is a really great book called "Babyproofing your Marriage" that offers a lot of helpful hints. Plus, it's hilarious to read... Check it out.

Our "alone time" has significantly decreased with each additional child. We have 3 kids (7, 4, 1) and we're lucky if we're "alone" once a month. It's ok for us right now b/c my husband and I talk about it... it's not the elephant in the room we're ignoring. As long as you're open about your needs and concerns, you can make a plan together for what makes sense for you both as a couple. Good luck :-)

I am right there with you! We both work (although I work from home) and are both exhausted by the end of the day that sleep seems to take precedence over sex. My suggestion would be have at least one night a week where you can have a babysitter and go on a "date" with your husband. You dont even have to leave the house unless you can't take your little one to the sitters. Make the "date" not about parenting, or airing out issues but about eachother. Many times when couples do seem to have alone time together all they talk about are the kids. This in normal but not always healthy. You need to reclaim what brought you together in the first place..even if only for a little while a few times a month.