I need some advice, first a little history. I am a single mother of 2, my divorce was amicable we are "friends" there was no sexual attraction and he cheated and left me for her.
I am now in a new relationship a year in August. A little history for him, this is his longest relationship and the only one that hasn't been based on "sex". He has alwasy been "spoiled" when it comes to his previous partners. He says he doesn't know how a real relationship works.
To the present, we have great chemistry and are very affectionate and intimate on a superficial level. The last couple months I felt as if he didn't want to have sex. We had a long talk on our 12 hour drive home yesterday and he fessed up that sex has been a "chore" for him. He loves me, I can see it and I feel it he just doesn't think the sex was a big deal and isn't necessarily interested in having sex with me. I asked and he doesn't want to have sex with other people, I can't tell if he is just having a decreased sex drive or if he just isn't sexually attracted to me any more. I don't want to just give up like my ex-husband did so I asked if he would see someone with me...he said yes but thought that counseling was only for married people.
I should also mention, I personally had a very low sex drive and can honestly say I have never wanted to have sex till I met him.
Would just like some thoughts if this has happened to other people or if this is normal to go in "phases" of sexual desire compared to intamacy? Any thoughts would be great.
Thank you,
Sexually Frustrated but Intimiatly Satisfied.
To answer some questions and comments... I saved myself for my first husband and that didn't turn out any better... I don't know if I ever want to be remarried again. Yes he had previously been interested in sex with me, it changed recently but there has been a lot going on in his family and he tends to take things on. I am not justifying nor do I have "low" self asteem. I am a strong independent woman, who has had her life changed once without it being my decision and no control. So yes I would like to work on things before deciding to give up.
Thank you all for your comments and support. Will let you know the outcome, he is going to go see his councelor and maybe talking about all the stuff on his plate will help him to relax.
Hi N., don't you DARE settle (again)! There is someone who'll be crazy about you emotionally and sexually (particularly after only one year), it's just a question of finding that person! He sounds like a 'nice' man, honest at least, but sex a 'chore'??? Don't think he's the one! You seem like a very warm wonderful person, please hold out for the one who makes you feel that way!
.
Reading your post made me wonder if he has some sort of performance anxiety or difficulty that he is masking by telling you he has a low sex drive. I'd recommend a visit to his doctor. Maybe there are some other issues (medications or otherwise) that are at play here.
I agree with Theresa. Don't settle! Work at the relationship but if you find that in the end it isn't what you want, (in all areas!) don't settle.
Hi N.,
I don't have a profound answer or solution for you and your man, every couple is different and it sounds like the two of you love each other. On a light side, IF you have not seen the movie "Date Night", I think its one you would both enjoy and/or perhaps relate to.
Blessings.......
Intimacy means something different to everyone and I think it's ultimately finding a common ground. I applaud you for your willingness and desire (and follow-thru) to talk with him about this. And I'd encourage you to continue to do so as that alone can create its own intimacy.
Great about seeing a counselor. DO find one you are both comfortable with and one that is willing to listen and help you find your own answers and not project his/her opinion. (They aren't supposed to do that, but they do.)
I really wish you the best. I sense a very genuine nature in you.
Everyone goes through ups and downs with sex but I would be very concerned if the man of the relationship did not want to have sex. It is just not typical.
I would first wonder if he has some sort of medical thing going on. If that is the case there are different avenues and meds available that can correct the problem.
The counseling option is a viable idea as well, married or not, it can be helpful in many ways. The sex thing may be stemming from something else.
The last thing you need to think about is the long term consequences of letting this go. Although you feel intimately satisfied, sex is still a big part of it. The satisfied feeling will go away because it never goes anywhere.
One thing I have learned as I get older (just turned 40) is that as you begin to lose that perfectly unwrinkled skin, your body does not sit as it once did, etc. you really rely on your partner to be there, love you, and show you that you are still the most beautiful thing to them. There is something to be said for a man that can take your insecurities and turn them into desire, love and romance. It gives you a sense of beauty and strength as a woman.
Please don't get me wrong, sex is not everything, in fact when you look at the percent of time you even spend having sex in a day (even the most active people) it is a very small window. It is just a very blessed part of a relationship that solidifies and molds our feelings for one another. I hate to tell you this, but if you guys are not able to correct it medically or by counseling then I would call it quits. You will regret hanging in there down the road.
Good luck to you.
I'm concerned. It sounds like he has really enjoyed sex in the past (or at least had been driven by it), so the fact that he suddenly doesn't desire it and also desire it for you, is troubling. Was he 'into it' for the first 10 months, and now this change, or has he never really been into it for the course of your entire relationship?
I've been married for 20 years, and yeah, there are ebbs and flows in terms of frequency, and that's both my husband and me. Some people are 'always on' and if our lives were simpler maybe we could be too. But going too long without it definitely creates distance. And lot of intimacy is prelude to sex (even if it takes four days to get there), which is what makes it so pleasurable. I'm glad you are taking time to resolve/get comfortable/decide you aren't comfortable with this before you are married. Because, as someone noted below, problems don't get easier after you are married, they actually become harder to deal with. Good luck to you.
Its not normal not to have a sex drive. I would find out his eating habits, like does he eat a lot of red meat, drink milk, eat a lot of cheese. All of these things would put him at risk for too much estrogen. All these things would also make you estrogen dominant would would literally take your sex drive away. I use to be so I know whats its like both ways. I got off all meat, don't drink milk, really watch what goes in my body. At 32, I was done with a sex life, but about 6 months of doing the right things, it came back. Now at 49, things are really good. I love intimacy, and think everyone should like it too.
With all due respect, N., you are not going to have a good marital relationship unless and until you reserve it until after you are married. Being sexually active to a man to whom you are not married is just setting yourself up for disaster and misery.
I agree with Theresa N. There is someone better out there for you.
I wouldnt be so quick to say its not working with him. Sometimes men have hormone issues to that cause lack of sex drive, its only rarer in men because they have so much testosterone. These days though men are consuming more things that turn to estrogen in their body, like hops(beer).
More and more lately, men are showing up with gynocamastia (male breasts),and decreased sex drive. Among other things. hormone and blood flow problems should be ruled out before you just assume hes not interested.
The fact that you have a low sex drive can also make it easier to not even try. keep the lines of communication open, try new things. perhaps see a therapist and/or doctor. If you love this man he shouldnt be thrown away just because he is different than other men.
The ones who want sex as much as women do ARE out there.
