Loss of a Baby

I would just say you are sorry and be there for her and from others who I know who have lost babies please don't be afraid to mention the baby. It's a life lost and she was loved even though not born. Most people want someone to acknowledge that fact and just listen. I don't think there is much to do to really ease the pain but being there is a comfort and listening helps.

The words " I'm here if you need me" were the sweetest words I heard after my miscarriage. You don't need much more.

M.

L.:

I can tell you from one who lost one at 22 weeks...there is nothing you can do or say...just be there for her. She will cry. I can't begin to tell the depth of the pain I still feel and it's been 6 years and 7 months. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Alexis...but I just have learned to compartmentalize that pain and when and where to pull it out...that shelf never gets dusty..

Go to her and give her a hug. Tell her she can call you ANYTIME. If you live close and can afford it - schedule a pedicure for you both.

The first month is hard and the due date will be even harder.

If you know what the family likes to eat. Make a few dishes that she can pull out of the freezer and heat up easily. I know I had a VERY hard getting out bed the first week. I truly wanted to curl up in a ball and die. My friends and family (my mom and dad had flown out from CA for an early birthday present to me - I lost Alexis 10 days before my birthday) were VERY wonderful in taking care of my family when I couldn't.

My then 4 year old Nicky asked me when I was going to stop crying...that helped bring me back to the land of the living...expect good days and bad days. Just be there.

Call her and offer to help her pack up the baby things and handle the returns to stores for her. It's bad enough to lose a baby but to have to explain why you are returning things to a store is so heartbreaking. Also boxing up and storing the baby stuff is just so final. It's like a final good-bye.

I lost one 18 yrs ago and I still think about her.

The best thing you can do is just tell them how sorry you are and you are there for them. The worst thing you can say is it was probably meant to be, or something was probably wrong with the baby, or all things happen for a reason. I know this because my first pregnancy I lost at 21 weeks and I was devastated beyond words. It was over 28 years ago and I remember it like yesterday. My family meant well but those were some of the things that were said to me and it DID NOT help! I went through so many emotions, sadness, anger, why me when people throw babies away!! She needs to greave. You can make them a dinner and drop it off and tell her whenever she is ready to talk you are there for her. On a positive note I got pregnant 3 months later and had my son who will be 27 soon, and then 4 years later had my daughter. Until it happens to you there is no way of you knowing how common it is to miscarry, it doesn't make it easier but she may not feel so alone. So sorry for her loss!! I will send prayers!

Let them know that you are sorry for their loss, that is the best thing you can do. I lost twin girls, they were stillborn, and the worst things someone told me (the same person) was that I could try again (as if I could make up for them!) and that it was all for the best...I know what she meant but still after all these years a part of me wants to ask her, "Excuse me, who's best?" I know this family is devastated, they already had hopes and dreams for their child that can never be fulfilled.

Just to be there if they need to talk or cry is a help. Take a meal over, buy some food for the house, clean up the house or the yard, whatever you see needs to be done. The holidays will be hard for them, if your family plans any activities try to include them.

Thanks for caring for your friends!

I am so sorry. Let them know you are sorry for their loss.
Bring up the baby in the future, do not be afraid. They will always remember her.

Maybe offer a meal or babysitting. Be there to give them a hug.
Very sad.

I lost two children. One a little early than your friend and one much later than your friend. What you have said here in your post is perfect to say to her. Some of the things I appreciated were the cards that I received during the time the children had passed but also I had a friend that remembered their due dates and sent me a card then as well. Due dates are hard days. I had another friend that gave me Christmas ornaments in memory of my children. Hallmark had them that year. I'm not sure they still cary them. The loss a child before birth can be lonely because know one else had the benefit of meeting that baby so they don't feel the loss like the parents. I often felt pushed to just forget about those two babies and I wasn't ready nor were my other children. We appreciated those that would just allow us to talk about those children.

Go to mend.org and see if any of that info will help her. MEND is for Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death. Mommies have signed in telling their stories of loss, grief and pain, but hopefully it will give her some peace, comfort, hope and healing through her difficult journey. Also, Mend has awesome support groups in Dallas, Houston and Bryan/College Station...not sure about her area. She might be able to join one of their facebook pages and get direct and immediate online support from mend mommies. I think on the MEND Bryan/College Station website, there are tips for friends/family on how to help someone deal w/the loss of a baby.

So sorry for her loss. I know how painful it is. If you want to be a good friend, call her up now and then and simply ask her how she is doing today.

I agree - support and maybe a meal will help. Also helpful was an upbeat friend when I had a later miscarriage...not that she was bubbly about my loss, but that she was happy to see me & let me know that rather than avoiding me or even the topic.

Heartfelt expression of sympathy and caring.
Send a card. Call. Take her a meal. (Just drop it off.)
She might not be strong enough to talk or visit.
Tough as it might be, really try to stay in touch.....even if it seems like she's not responsive, she will appreciate it.
Good luck.

tell her you are devastated for her. tell her you want to be there for her in any way you can and tell her that whatever she needs is okay. if she wants to talk you should listen. if she doesnt want to talk that is okay. if she wants to scream and throw things, hand her a few knick knacks and duck....just let her know you are there for whatever she needs, however she needs it. cook her a few meals and take them over. if she has other kids, offer to take them for an afternoon or night so she can get some rest. offer to clean her house or do her laundry or run her errands etc. just be there, how ever she needs!

If they have other kids you could offer to take them for the night so she and her hubby can have some time to themselves? They may want that, or they may want the whole family together - kinda depends. When I had my 2nd miscarriage (16 weeks) it was the toughest and 20 weeks would be just that much worse because each day the baby gets bigger. Back then we didn't know gender yet but I had already felt the baby move etc. I would have really liked some time with just my husband so that we could grieve, but it seemed like one of us was always with our daughter, who was really too young to understand anything except that mommy wasn't feeling well and everyone is sad. So, if I had someone who could have taken my daughter for an overnight and let me an my hubby just get it all out of our system that would have been helpful for me. Then again, your friend may not want that...... I would just ask her.

Let them know you care. My cousin lost one of her babies at 20 weeks and it was heartbreaking. As much as babysitting helped, sometimes they just need to know they are loved.

When the time seems right, ask her to look up Jesse Duplantis and watch what he says about heaven and the babies that are there. She may not be willing. But if she will, she'll be blessed.

"I'm so sad for you I don't know what to say" sounds exactly right! Taking her other kids for an outing (if she has any) or bringing food or cleaning her house would all be good offers....