Loss After Birth

I think you are doing many kind things and follow her lead. Call her, see what she needs when you are out there, etc. You can order her groceries online if you are not able to shop for her locally, for example. I think things not to say include "it's for the best" or similar. Just "I'm sorry." When a friend lost her son at 6 weeks (27 week preemie), there were just no words.

I read this not long ago and want to share, it is long:

Don't compare my grief to the loss of your mother, your father, your sister or any other person in your life, unless it was your child. This is not my first go at the grieving process. I've lost mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, loved ones. It is NOT the same.

Don't tell me how he's with God, at peace, in a better place. I am grieving MY loss and I don't want MY child anywhere else besides with me in the physical realm. I truly believe he is at peace... but I am NOT.

Don't avoid his name. His life is precious to me and my memories are all I have. Share yours with me. Talk about him.

Don't be afraid of upsetting me by mentioning him, his death. If I cry, well it's probably a WELCOME release from trying to put on a brave front in order to make YOU feel better. The tears are there whether you see them or not.

Don't tell me to call you if I need something. I'm not going to call and ask you to do my laundry, sweep my floors, wash my dishes or any of the million and one things I am no longer capable of caring about. I'm not going to call. No one ever does. If you want to help, then help.

Don't ask me if I'm better. No, I'm not better. Better than what? Better than I was before my child died? That's never going to happen. I am never going to be the same person I was and I'm certainly not ever going to be better than I was.

Don't put me in a position to have to comfort YOU. I know you loved him. I know your hurting too. I know you miss him also. But I was his MOTHER.

Don't ask me how I am unless you want to know. I am sick of coddling you and your sensibilities by saying "I'm fine". It needs to be alright to say "I'm having a bad day".

Don't wonder when I'm "going to get over it". I'm not. Ever. He was my child. He grew of me, from me, through me. He is dead. So is a part of me. Not all of me, the rest of me will learn to live, love, laugh and survive. But that part of me, the part that he filled, will never be "over it". I am getting "through" it. I don't even have the desire to "get over it".

So after reading this, if anybody wonders what they can say or do, the answer is simple. Show up and be present. Let me be wherever it is I need to be emotionally and know that whether I can express it or even realize it at the moment, I am grateful to not be alone.

Remember him. Say your so sorry for my pain and loss. Call my spouse to check on him, because I'm not always able to hold myself up. Be patient with me. You don't have to understand what I'm going through in order to understand you don't ever want it to be you.

Just be there for her. Let her say what she wants about the loss of her child. Let her cry on your shoulder and be a good listener for her. If you can get her a journal so that she can write down her feelings and then put them in a special place. Does she have a picture of him? Make up a scrapbook of him.

My son had a friend who had a child that did not live and the father and mother had a bronze plaque made up with baby shoes on it with his name, date of birth, weight and such. This plaque was displayed prominently in the home on a wall as a remembrance.

I am sorry for the loss of your nephew and your sister's grief.

The other S.

PS Plant a tree or something in his name in the backyard if possible.

I have been where your sister is. I had a son and a daughter pass away. Days that are going to be hard is the due date. Send her something on that day and give her a call. Some other things that I have that are so memorable for me are Christmas ornaments my SIL picked up in memory of them. My husband also got me a couple of little figurines that we place on our mantle to represent them. My husband had a ring made for me that is honor of them as well. My mother was a wonderful help in just watching over me without hovering and picking up the things I missed. Help with thank you cards if she will allow. Keep listening to her. Many times people will think you should just quite talking about those little ones really shortly after their death. Don't ever say, "Well maybe this was for the best." Don't tell her she can have other children. This child can never be replaced. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Ah, I am so sorry to hear this. This very sad. I would just ask her when you are there what you can help with. Just be a shoulder for her to cry on when she needs you, an ear to listen when she needs to talk. Such a horrible pain for a parent to go through.
Again, so sorry.

Sometimes the best thing is just to cry with her. There's a passage in Proverbs I think that says something like we should cry with those who cry and rejoice with those who rejoice. There's alot of things like this that we need to go through and there's not much other people can do except to "be there" - even through the phone if not physically.

Check out angelbabiesinfo.com, an amazing site built for those who have lost a baby. The woman who started it did so after losing one of her own and realizing how few resources were readily available to help families dealing with this. I met her when i was facing the same, and it was wondeful to have all of that there and then to be able to work with her later in helping with the many projects she is involved in to help other families. you may have heard of her project as she is local.
There is an entire section for family and friends, with replies from those who have been there with comments about what did and didn't help.

Just be with her and follow her lead. Everyone grieves differently. When you can't be with her remind her you are there if she needs you. A text, a card, a quick phone call......
You don't have to be her psychologist. Acknowledge her grief, but don't expect it. Again, everyone grieves differently.
Don't be afraid to talk about the baby. In other words don't let him be the elephant in the room, but that is not the only thing for you to talk about.
Know that you can't know how your sister feels. You may say the wrong thing (which might be the right thing for someone else). Don't worry about that. Just be there for her.

www.facesofloss.com is also a great website for parents that have lost a baby, either through miscarriage, SIDS, or a situation like your sister's.

I am so sorry for you and for her. Even when you know the baby isn't going to live, I'm sure it isn't any easier when death actually comes. Just listen - let her talk or cry as much as she wants, or let her talk about other stuff if she wants to try to not think about it for awhile.

See if there is an organization you can make a donation to in his honor - maybe the hospital that treated him, a group that researches treatments for his other illnesses, March of Dimes for preemies, etc.

I have also hear of people buying a star in their child's name to really feel like they are looking down from above.

What is the name of the book?

There are times when we can only sit with people who are suffering and help them to cry. No words, just hugs, tissue, and when they are ready a sandwich, glass of milk or wine.

My son was very sick too. He died when he was 17 days old. Take Bh's advice, she was right about everything. It helped me most when people just let me talk and they acknowledged they didn't know what to say or do. This was so much better than trying to find comforting words that were not comforting as BH mentioned.
I also suggest you read the book before giving it to your sister. That will give you a much better perspective on what it is like to loose a child.
So sorry for your family's loss.

You've already received fantastic advice. I agree with every response. I went through a child loss 12 years ago, and life gets easier-but it takes a LONG time.
Please, follow your sisters lead. Acknowledge the child as much as bearable and keep that in mind. My child was born in April, and one of my friends husbands called the following Mothers day to wish me well. A guy-and it mad a world of difference to be acknowledged. The following Christmas another friend had a plate made with the baby's picture-I can go on, but it's all the little things that matter.
Nothing is worse than hearing heaven is a better place or felling like your being swept under the rug.

In addition to angel babies, another website that might help is http://www.agoodgrief.com/