Losing Patience with 2-Year Old

Hi, E.,
My heart goes out to you! I was in the same place as you were a few months ago, so I bought the book Positive Discipline for Preschooler and Playful Parenting (a really good one!).
The best thing to do is to treat her positively and she will hopefully reward you with good behavior. I found both books to be REALLY effective and now I am no longer yelling. Basically, kids are GOOD. if they are misbehaving, it could be that she wants your attention. In that case, instead of giving her negative attention, just start playing with her. If I want my son to come brush his teeth, he usually hides from me. I COULD start yelling and counting and trying to pull a power play over him, but all he really wants is to play. So I start to look for him and then I find him and tickle him and then carry him to brush his teeth. By this time he is giggling and having fun and we have no issues. Granted, it sounds like a lot of work, but it is probably less work than what you are going through right now. If there is something you can remove her from, then just remove her instead of arguing about the fact that she should stop doing something. If my son is banging his cup on the table and refuses to listen to me when I tell him to stop, I simply take it away quietly and don't say anything about it to him. If my 3 year old starts saying "poopyhead!" he just wants to play (I got this from Playful Parenting), so instead of reprimanding him, I say, "call me whatever you want, but DON'T call me snickerdoodles (or some other nonsense word)" and sure enough, he will call me snickerdoodles and then we go from there and play. It is all about playing and getting attention. The more negative attention you give your daughter, the worse she is probably going to misbehave, because she is not feeling good about herself. If kids don't feel good about themselves, they have a tendency to keep acting negatively. Don't reprimand her in public or in front of her friends (or yours). She will be embarrassed and maybe act out again in order to cover up her embarrassment. All of these issues were covered in the two books that I read. I also read Between Parent and Child and that is a good book, too.
Give your daughter some lead time if you want her to do something. For instance, if it is bath time, you may want to give her a warning that in five minutes, she will have to take a bath. That way, she can finish up what she is doing and be ready in five minutes. Often, parents expect kids to do things as soon as you order them to (My husband is like this), but the truth is, no one likes to be demanded to do something ASAP. Think about how you would feel if someone interrupted your work to do something RIGHT NOW. So, I started using a timer and told my 3 year old son that I was setting this for five minutes and that when it went off, the TV was going off (or whatever activity he was doing). As soon as it did beep, he was totally ready to do what I had asked him to without a fight! It is so amazing. So please be patient with your daughter. Give her lots of love. If she has a tantrum, just hug and hold her. Maybe don't put her in time out, but go and sit with her in a "cool off" period. THat way, both of you can cool off and then you can discuss without yelling.
good luck!

Hi E.,
I was right where you are now, about 3 years ago! I discovered kind of by accident that if I made my toddler go to bed really early (like before 7pm) at the same time as the baby, she slept a lot better. Previously I'd been putting her to bed between 8 and 8:30. I was very surprised that simply moving her bedtime back an hour and a half made such a big difference in her behavior. But then, my older daughter was always a more reasonable kid than her little sister turned out to be...

My younger daughter just turned 3 and she is the Queen of the Terrible Twos. I count myself lucky to only have 2 or 3 knock-down, drag-out tantrums a day from her. What I do is to put her in her room when I see she is starting to melt down. I walk her there (or pick her up if she's flailing around) and plunk her down in the middle of the room, and tell her in a calm voice, "You can come out when you're feeling better." Then I close the door behind me and leave her there to do whatever she will. Usually after a few minutes of tantrum, she'll come out acting like nothing happened and move on with her day. Or she'll stay in her room reading a book or looking out the window or whatever, which is fine too. Bottom line, she and I are not going at each other's throats, which is a huge relief. Generally I don't think they WANT to be bad, they just don't know how to keep themselves under control, and need a few minutes to themselves to work it out.

I hope you find something that works for you! It's so hard, I know!

Hi E. -

Congrats on your new baby! This is a joyful, albeit hectic time.

In reading your post, I can almost hear you -- you're tired and worn out and frustrated. Kids tend to mirror our emotions -- meaning that your daughter is mirroring your frustration and exhaustion, though for different reasons.

From her point of view, she has had you all to herself for two years. Then one day, you came home with a little baby that has taken nearly all of your time and energy. Everyone is oohing and aahing over this new baby, and telling her how happy she must be to have a little sister/brother. She is jealous and sad but too young to know what to do with her emotions or to know how to express them. So, her behavior changes. Meanwhile, you are still exhausted, and with exhaustion comes snappishness -- there's not a mom on this board who has not been where you are now. How many times have *I* yelled at my kids because *I* was tired? Sheesh, too many to count!

Here's my advice:
- Get some respite care. Find a girlfriend or relative who can come over and take the kids so you can just sleep. Or, go out and get a pedicure, or go to lunch with a girlfriend. In all of this, there is no time for YOU, and you need time, too.

- Spend time with your daughter. Do some crafts, make some cookies, go to the park. She wants and needs some mom time. While you are with her alone, bring up how tired you are -- and that while you love the new baby, it's a lot of work. Continue to have 'date' times with your older child -- just you and her, even if it's just once a month. This will always be a special time together and she'll remember it for the rest of her life.

- Cut WAAAY back on your expectations -- of your daughter and of yourself. So what if the playroom isn't picked up at once? So what if her hair isn't brushed when you run to the store? Much of our frustration comes from having expectations that are too high -- for our children, and for ourselves. You have another 16 years to teach her all she knows about being a grown up. It doesn't all have to happen today.

- Finally, be good to yourself. You have a lot on your plate,and need some time to get back to normal.

Good luck, and blessings!

J.

WOW! Lot's of changes in your life and hers! As a Mom of 3, it was always a trying time when I brought home the new baby. Your daughter doesn't understand the reason you had another child, and really can't emotionally. She needs some special understanding, how would you feel if your husband brought home a new wife? Take some time for both of you to do something she likes to do, while your husband helps with the baby. Do you have a neighbor (about 12) boy or girl, who might want to learn some babysitting skills, with you at home? Your daughter might respond really well to a "playmate" that would play with her, but not let her step out of bounds...and give you a break from being "on". Maybe when the baby was older, you could switch to the role of playing with the 2 year old...but for now, she could have someone to devote some one on one attention while your husband is at work. You could also have them do some "special" grown up things, that she could only do at that time...you know what would work with your daughter. Be nice to yourself, this is a time for you to bond with your new baby...and you are really pulled in two directions. Do you have family to help? If not, try to scale back on the "shoulds" and just do the things you need to do, so that you have had some good bonding time for your whole family before you go back to work. Also, who will watch the kids then? Can you start easing that person into the picture, to help that transition?

This is a busy, emotional time for you...take at least 1 minute to enjoy where you are...lucky to have a great husband, and two healthy kids...even if they do take up every single minute of your life! This time will pass, and then you will want it back...Good Luck!

Not only is it tough on you w. a new baby, but it also is tough on your 2 year old daughter. She doesn't understand the concept of 'the baby is here to stay'. She just knows that the times that the two of you have had together have been interrupted by the baby who cries and needs you.

Being patient won't help. You have to understand where she is coming from ("The Power of Guidance" by Dan Gartrell helps you w. that). Forget the time-outs. These only re-inforce her fear that she already has. She wants more time with you not less. Her world suddenly feels threatened with a new baby and she doesn't want to loose you. My kids now are 13 and almost 15 and I miss the early years we've had. I layed down with both my kids when they were your kids' age and all of us took a nap together. My daughter felt secure and my son got what he needed. Once your daughter feels secure, things should get better. Take the time with your kids when they rest. That way you will be fresher when they both are up. Also, with the simplest tasks taking forever: what kinds of tasks? Cleaning her room?...She needs you there with her to do it together. Model for her and do tasks w. her. If you feel like yelling, put on some happy kids' or mellow songs. Then you don't have to talk. Rather, both of you will be singing. And, who knows, the baby might relax too. Enjoy the time you have with your children. They grow up way too fast. I hope this helps.

E.,

I know things are rough on you, but maintain your patience above all else! Remember, not only are things changing for her by her entering a new developmental stage, but there is a new baby in the house. She has a lot she is trying to cope with. Include her in on everything you can and try to make sure that the praise far outweighs the negative attention she is getting with time outs and fussing. She will continue to get whatever attention she can to feel included and that means negative if that is what is getting your attention the most. So, again, make sure you give her lots of positive praise and include her with helping you and the baby out by going to fetch a diaper or holding the powder or lotion, then tell her what a good/big girl she is and what a great sister she is.

Soon she will want only your praise.

Jackie

Hi E.,

I know how you feel. I was the same way with my son. I learned later I was not patient because my body was not resting. When you do not get your REM sleep you do not release a hormone in the brain to help your body destress. So you get up every morning and become uptight with everyone. I am now a wellness consultant and understand the importance of good sleep, water, air, nutrition and exercise. That is the key to stay healthy and happy. Let me know if I can help you answer any questions you may have. www.nikken.com/ninamarie
____@____.com

Have a blessed day.

N. Marie

Hi! I know it's really hard to deal with just a 2-year-old on her own. It must be much harder with a baby in the mix!

I have two things to suggest. I know you are giving timeouts but I wonder if maybe you could use more structure or a yell-free method. I highly recommend the 1-2-3 Magic system for removing the yelling/getting angry part (if you are able to be super consistent with the method) and getting straight to results. We find that when we use 1-2-3 Magic consistently it really works. Pick up the videos or the book and video package to see whether it works for you. I actually rented the first DVD on Netflix and that is how we got started. I'm not claiming that it solved all my discipline problems immediately but my son is 3 now and we've been able to clearly see the benefits of this particular method over time.

The second thing I would recommend is to make sure your 2-year-old is getting enough sleep. This can be hard with a small baby in the house, but try to put your older child to bed earlier and earlier until you find she is waking up too early in the morning. You might be surprised how much "extra" evening sleep she can get without changing her wakeup time! Unless, of course, you are already putting her down super early and she doesn't wake for 11-12 hours. Then you've probably maxed out on nighttime sleep for her.

Good luck! Remember the Mama Mantra... this too shall pass!

Dear E.,

I'm reading and now putting into effect Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. She's a mother,etc. and has written and co-authored many books. It says "The classic guide for parents and teachers to help children develop self-discipline, resposibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. She says a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. She teaches how to encourage children. I have just started family meetings with my daughters. I think this author is genious. The book titles that seem most pertinent to you (from my list in my book):

Positive Disciplne A-Z

Positive Discipline for Single Parents (SAHM????)

P. D. for Preschoolers

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World

Understanding: Elimination Stress and Finding Serenity in
Life and Relationships

Co-authored:
Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way

In the maintime try this: (really shortened, of course)

1.When child misbehaves have her go to her room to sleep, build, draw, etc. Tell her what she can do to make herself feel better. It is a falicy that we have to make them feel worse when they are already suffering.

.2Remember, her behavior is based on a mistaken belief about how to achieve belonging and significance. Her book goes into all the mistaken goals of behavior. Hers MIGHT be revenge. Her obnoxious behavior is easy to understand if you remember the real meaning and message behind it is, "I just want to belong."

3. Never make mistakes wrong, instead develop this: What a great opportunity to learn!

4. Ask questions instead of making statements. Did you remember to push your chair in to the table?

5. During a big tantrum ask, "Can I have a hug?"

I think you might like one of the books! It's definitely based on long-term benefits.

You are blessed with two children. I'm so happy for you!!
I'm working on remembering to encourage. I REMEMBERED after I thought the cops might be on the way the other night. Later, when I put her to bed she said, "I'm sorry; I was a little grumpy tonight." I'LL SAY!!!!

Best,
G.
Mother of Pre-Teens

E.,

I am in the same boat. I feel your frustration! What helps me is to count to ten and breath, take a moment for myself and that means going into the bathroom/bedroom and shutting the door to regain my sense of calm. Do it as often as you need to-- I just explain that mama is going to take a break--sometimes if my child is really acting up, I use reverse psychology and tell him that "MAMA is going to time-out" He hates that because he can't be with me. Try it. It may work for you.

Take care,

Molly

I know exactly how you feel. My six year old has Autism Spectrum Disorder, and my three year old has Pervasive Developemental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified(PPD-NOS). They climb on stuff, and destory things. My husband was deployed last year, and now he was injured in the line of duty. So, he is stationed in another state indefinetly without us. So, my boys spend time in their rooms alone. Otherwise I would be spanking them every five minutes. I have just had to set my house up in a way that I could grin , and bear it. Hold on, your not alone. Just stay consistant with your time out, and other routines. Your daughter will come along in time. Someday you will look back on this and laugh. I know it sounds hard to believe, but it's true. Good luck.

As a single mother of 4(3, 5, 10, & 12) going to school and working, so I can sympathize with you. I think that the problem might be she does not have that special time with you. I noticed that in my 3 year old (though he is the baby) during the month of March. I know that it seems as though your stretched, but it could be something as simple as putting her first when the baby goes to bed. I have learned that the dishes will be there for the rest of the day if they have to but your relationship with your children is being formed right now. Good luck and it will get easier.

several years ago my kids and I were out of control. There was yelling and poor behavior - on all our parts. I realized that if I was yelling at the kids I had lost control. They were too young to know how to control themselves, but I wasn't.

I got a book called 1-2-3 Magic. Saved our lives! :) It took me a couple days to read through it and start to implement the technique - which is HELLA simple and makes a lot of sense. No yelling, bribing, threatening... Really! It helps you find your patience...and it helps kids to calm down because they quickly learn the boundaries, what you will and will not allow, and you become a very consistent parent. :)

For a 2 yr old, to have a new baby in the house is a MAJOR change. They are no longer the center of attention. This is a difficult adjustment and so typically they tend to test every little bit of patience you may have. Some kids more so than others. This is normal behavior, but you can handle it and not let it get out of control. :)

In case you are wondering, my kids are now 13 and 11. I have no problems with them at all. I ask them to get their chores done - they do them. I tell them to do this or that - they do it. If they are getting too rambunctious - I tell them to stop and they do...they know the boundaries, they know the consequences if they cross the boundaries. And if I do blow it (which happens on occasion) they know I will apologize for losing control. Interestingly enough we have a great time together! We laugh a lot, tease a lot, we are very close...we just don't have discipline problems anymore and haven't now for 5 yrs. It will be interesting to see how the teen yrs go...but I will say I wish I had had the 1-2-3 Magic book when they were considerably younger... :)

Good luck...

Warmly,
J.

Also remember, that your hormones are running wild in the weeks after giving birth and you probably are not really yourself these days. You need to breathe and take some time for yourself. And try and spend some time with your 2 year old, it's not easy but worth it.
Good Luck

I have a 10 month old and one on the way so i am not where you are yet but my frined is. She has a almost 4year old. When her little one was 2 she pushed every button she had. What finally worked for her was to put herself in time out. I know it sounds a little crazy but it made her daughter feel bad. She would tell her mom that she was sorry and did not her to be in time out. when she was clamer after her time out she would talk to her daughter and explain that she was fustrated and she help her stay out of time out by listening to what she was telling her to do. I would also try really really hard to take some time for yourself. i know it is really hard but in two weeks when you can take a bath again do it. leave both kids with your husband or a friend for 30 mintues and decompress.
Hope it gets better soon
A.

I have 4 1/2 year old girl and a 7 month old boy. My daughter loves her brother but loves attention from me and my husband more. She is just now getting over her jealousy. We have done everything the books have suggested...it just takes time. We tried to have a positive approach with rewards for her good behavior rather than the "time out" approach. She sat herself in time out numerous times after committing unacceptable behavior. She would intentionally do something wrong and then walk over and sit down in time out. We noticed it mostly when she was not getting attention. We created cards together by writing and coloring them with things she enjoys doing together (ie read a story, go to the park, draw a picture, sing two songs together). They are things we regularly do together that don't take a lot of time when the baby is napping. We did put them in a container and each morning, if she was good the night before, she draws a card. We hang the card on the refrigerator to do in the evening or a specific time. We always do the activity. We also do things together "girl time" without the baby.

I try to include my daughter in as much as she wants to be. I ask her if she wants to get the diaper for me...even if it's in a place she can't reach I put in a place she can reach it and then ask her to get it. This gives her purpose and she feels like she is involved. I let her help pick out the baby's clothes by giving her two outfit choices. I ask her rather then tell her that way she doesn't feel like she is required to help.

Try to remember this time is a big change for her too. She doesn't have the ability to understand her feelings so we have to help teach them positive responses to difficult situations we encounter throughout our life. Eventually this will pass. I there is something I said that can help. Best of luck and congratulations on your baby!

I had a baby right as my then youngest turned two. I feel for you. My relationship with my now 3 year old is in recovery. She has pushed me past sanity some days. I would say if you have any good friends or family that will take her for a few hours (or longer) once or twice a week that is a sanity saver. Just having a few hours with her out of the house helped. I even sent my two year old for four days to her grandparents house (40 min. away) because my husband had lost patience with her as well.

Having a four week old is a huge drain, especially if siblings aren't sleeping through either. I found going to the park for the morning/afternoon was a big help. Just getting my 2 yr. old out of the house and into an environment where she couldn't get into trouble was welcome relief. I know many moms frown on Chuck E Cheese or McDonald's playlands, but they're enclosed, usually air conditioned and have enough other kids to help keep yours entertained while you take a breather with a friend or a book.

If your husband is able to lend a hand and willing to give you a rest when he is home, ask that he take your daughter out somewhere. My well intentioned husband tried to give me rest, but never took the older ones out of the house. Withing ten to 15 minutes they came knocking at my door with requests, complaints or mommy time. Then the baby would wake, it was more frustration than it was worth. That's why I suggested friends to help out during the day if they are available. Other moms understand what you are going through. If you don't have a strong social network then you may consider joining a mother's group.

As for discipline, I just pick my battles. I learned not to ask her to complete a task when I wasn't able to help her follow through. At just two years old, they do take what seems like forever to complete a task or follow directions. I have to remind myself of this constantly. I began inwardly counting to thirty as a way to realistically look at how long it takes my younger onces to get started on a task. They need time to process what it is you want them to do.

Don't expect to keep everything as neat as it was before your baby. You will be able to in the future, but give yourself time to heal and everyone time to adjust to having a baby in the house. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but its a long tunnel! Best wishes, -C.

the terrible twos are AWFUL!!

Are you really making a big deal of the good things she's doing?

First of all, take a big breath ang give yourself a break. You have just had a baby!!! Everything is different now and change will be gradual for the whole family. This is an enormous adjustment for you and even a bigger one for your daughter. In the eyes of a little one, especially two years alone with mommy, she is wondering: where do i fit in now? what does this mean for me? will she love me the same? will she love baby more? etc etc. Their world is very small. My 2 1/2 yr old would scream "put him back in your belly!!!" Sleep deprivation doesn't help. Things that helped me through this were, spending one on one time with the 2 yr old. When I nursed, I read him a book. When I wanted to tire him out, we walked to the park and I let him play with baby in the stroller. The walk and fresh air helped me too. This helped the acting out. Try an egg timer for getting ready. At first it is a huge ordeal because if picking up or getting ready isn't completed by egg timer bell, than time out. After a few times, he got it! We all yell, we all "lose it" in that sense, we can't beat ourselves up for that moment. We can learn how that behavior doesn't help the situation though. I stopped yelling and my consequences were exact and delivered after I've asked kindly. I would say things like, I need your help with this or here's your little reward if your mommy's helper with this or even, if you don't come here when mommy calls you to put your shoes on, you'll go to the store with no shoes, now that won't be nice will it? And guess what, a few times that is how he went!(of course I took the shoes in the car) the point being, I meant what I said without yelling.
Just be patient with yourself too, you're going through alot as well and this is wonderful crazy for you all at once. Try and schedule a nap time for all of you so you can be rested. Put your cleaning on the back burner or have a relative come and watch the kids for two hours one or two days a week to do it. In the meantime, give lots of hugs to the two yr old and give yourself some alone time too. Even if it's a 20 minute power walk when hubby gets home. I hope this helps. Is there any way you think you can postpone going back to work? Or part time?I'm just wondering if the two yr old is really going to regress when you're not around like she's been used to? I hope I'm even a little helpful, I've been where you are!

Hi E.,

I completely understand your situation as I have a 24 month old and a 4 month old. I think the terrible twos are being compounded by the new addition to the family. I don't really have any great advice...except just try your best to be patient. It's really hard to deal with kids this age, especially when you are up all night long with an infant. Also, your daughter might be having a tough time adjusting to the new sibling, which might be part of why she is acting up. I just try my best to be understanding of my 2 year old. It is a hard age for them because they are more aware and emotional, but they don't quite know how to process/handle/espress everything they want to, which is why they throw tantrums, etc. I just (try to)take a step back and remind myself that he is just 2 and not 5 or 10 and he needs patience, love and understanding. He also needs extra special love and understanding because he is dealing with becoming an older sibling, which is still taking it's toll on my 2yo. I'm not saying it's easy, and belive me I lose my patience from time to time. But just try your best. What you are doing is NOT easy, but you will survive. Things are starting to get better around my house now that the baby is a little bigger. Also, I have been making a point to give my 2yo some extra 1-on-1 time and he seems to be responding well to that (try even an hour if you can get to the park or a walk with him or something). Hang in there. It will get better...it has to! :)

She will get the message eventually and all you can do is to stick with it. Make her a partner in caring for the new baby. It will make her feel like the special big sister. Have her sit cuddled close to you while you are feeding or nursing the new one.

E.,

First, take a deep breath. I know this isn't an easy time for you. Second, take time out for yourself. Have someone take the kids for a day and let you get some sleep. I know this isn't an easy time for you.

I was in the same boat. My girls are 2 years and 1 day apart. I'm also a single parent. I don't have the option of having someone take thm for the a day. Circumstances forced me to find a balance.

I think the single biggest thing I did (and still do) is take time with just each of them during the day. The good news is that at this point it's really easy. While the baby is napping, sit down with your 2 yo and read, play a game, play outside, or talk to her - ask her how she feels. Honestly, even 15 minutes can make a huge difference. You may end up taking a nap with her and that's fine too. Just snuggle up with her and snooze - maybe she still needs naps too. Some 2yo's do and some don't.

On the weekends, split the kids between you and your husband. There are lots of places each of you can take your 2yo - ice skating, Children's Discovery Museum, park to play and feed the ducks, etc. Your daughter just needs to know she isn't lot in the excitement of a new baby and that she's special too.

Once she gets her needs filled (attention on her), you will get your needs filled (a child who listens).

If you would like, I would be happy to talk further with you about this. Just send me a private message.

Take care

Girlfriend...cut yourself some slack! I mean really now! Having a 2-year old (barely!) and a new baby is HARD! Believe me, I know. My son was 20-months old when I had baby #2 - ugh! But take it from me ~ IT DOES GET EASIER! For now, make do as you can and try to focus on one thing at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself or your daughter with too many things at once. Try and figure out (in your exhausted state) what is the most important and then focus on that. Ignore the rest...for now. And...accept help in whatever form it comes in. It's key to your sanity. Don't try to be Super Mom.

Oh, and just so realize that there is a silver lining, my boys are now 3.5 and 2 and they are best friends. Nice!!!!

Have you tried talking to your daughter about how she feels about the new baby-- how it's normal to be jealous, how you know you don't give her as much time as you used to, etc? I expect that may be behind much of her acting out. Also, I just want to check-- you start counting for timeouts *before* you've really lost your temper, right? It may seem harsh, but it takes away any of the reward (getting a reaction out of mom) that kids may be getting from acting out. As much as possible stay calm. Lastly, get yourself, and your daughter, some time away from each other and the baby, if at all possible. You need time to just relax and she needs time with your husband or friends to get a bit more undivided attention.
Good luck!

First of all, congratulations on the new baby and on the fact that your 2 year old hasn't completely driven you crazy. I agree with the idea that you should truly make an effort to spend some more close time together with your 2 year old. And yes the best way is to spend nap times together, since you all get rest then that way.

What things do you two normally enjoy doing together? Do you do the cooking at home? Is this something you can do with her? What about the house work, at two, most kids want to help mommy. Even if this means that the housework may take longer (and it might not all get done in the day), it might be a fun way to spend time together. I know that with my two boys, my oldest loved helping me to cook and clean. Then on days when daddy is home (once a month) we go out for a "date". Now we have baby number three and my middle child is now experiencing "date days" with mommy.

I hope that this helps and isn't just rambling. Oh and as for time outs, don't completely get rid of them, but when she is in time out, take one for yourself as well. Even if it means going into the bathroom and crying (I've done this), it does help. Good luck.

Since you just broght home a new baby, she may be acting out. The most difficult time I had as a young mother was when I brought home my second baby. Trying to take care of a baby and a two year old was tough. My suggestion would be to be sure you take time for her everyday and maybe some daddy daughter time as well. She's lived her whole 2 year old life being the center of attention and all of a sudden she has to share the two most important people in the world to her. Somedays it's hard to carve out a lot of time, but if mom and dad show her lots of love, kisses, hugs, I love you's, reading books together etc. will tell her that she is still important to you and that you love her very much. When she acts out she definitly needs discipline, but a little grace too, it's a tough transition. Blessings to your family! E.

Hi E.,
I know what you are going through belive it or not. I have a super active 31 month old son and a 4 day old baby boy. Came 5 weeks early. Before the arrival of the baby my son would kiss my belly and rub it and say HI baby and interact wtih the baby a lot that way. He would hug my ultrasound pictures. My husband and I thought he would adjust well seeing he has such a loving soft side. We brought him to the hospital the second day and he kissed his brother and said ' Baby brother ah, cute" When we all came home on Friday things started to change. He started to act out and I really tried hard to spend a lot of time with him when the baby is sleeping. He is doing well with all of it but a few times he would yell at the top of his voice and get into trouble as he is testing the situation. I have to stay on top of it with him or it could really start to go down hill. I bought him a big gift when we got home that he loved. For now since its only been 4 days I try to keep the baby in his room during nap times and spend a lot of quality time with my older son as if the baby isn't here yet. He really tries hard to help but his helping is too rough so i really have to watch him around the baby. When people have come over i make sure he opens the gifts they bring and I have the family and friends say hello to him first. All the attention is still on him as it was before the baby. As expected with a new baby all the attention goes to the baby first. I try to have them do this with my older son before approaching the baby. I really make him involved in everything and make sure he is always number 1 right now. It is an ajustment. I started putting him in a toddler program at Kindercare 3 months ago since it was goig to be a huge change on him and i didn't want him to go through that after the baby was here thinking he was being put to the side. So he goes there 2 half days and swim lessons once a week. That way he isn't having to compete for attention all day. He can have quality time outside of me and the baby and burn off some steam on his own. I don't do time outs. I tell him he will get in big trouble if he acts out in a certain situation. I tell him he needs to help mommy and daddy out with the baby and be a big boy. He will try to climb in the baby's crib etc. I remind him that is the baby's and your a good boy and you don't need to do that. Just talk to him a lot about what is going on. I hope this helps. Im sure there are going to be good days and bad. I also got a nanny 2 days a week as my husband has been living in LA 3-4 days a week and will continute this for another yeat. I feel like a single mom. Being a mom is the hardest job I love and SAHM's don't get enough credit for all they do. your doing a good job. Just try to find some time for yourself once a week. Even if its just for a walk or getting a cup of coffee reading the paper with no kids. It helps a lot.

SAHM, 39 yo to a busy 2.5yo son and 4 day old baby boy. Love the outdoors, spending time with friends, Gardening, reading and cooking. Looking to meet mom's in my area. ____@____.com

Hi!
It is really tough in the beginning with two kids (mine are 2 years 2 months apart). I got a lot of help from my husband who tried to be home a lot, from my parents, my parents-in-law and then my son went to day care 4 days a week 9 - 3, that helped a lot. If you can, try to have someone help you out, so that one can spend more time with the two year old, and one with the newborn. It is tough. Someone compared getting a sibbling with that your husband would come home with a 17-year-old girl named Lolita and ask you to share everything with her and demand that you would love her as much as you loved him. It is tough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

You've probably had enough responses by now but here's my 2 cents.

This is a tough time. New baby, no sleep, two year old is probably jealous. My youngest is now 14 and that time of babies and toddlers, which seemed so hard and endless when I was enduring it, now seems like it was over in a flash. And I miss it. Do you know how many people would stop me on the street and tell me to really try and enjoy this time, because it will be over before you know it? Lots. And I didn't get it and didn't listen. Now I want to tell new moms that same thing.

Really try not to yell at your daughter. Your two year old is little more than an infant herself, so go easy on her. Simple tasks ALWAYS take forever when kids are little. There is no other way. Try and relax about it all as much as possible on no sleep. It will all turn out alright and you WILL get through this.

I have been in your shoes. If you have to put her in her room and close the door then you gotta do what ya gotta do. I have had to do this with my three year old. They will scream and cry but it give you a moment to compose yourself and take a deep breath. Nobody said children come with instructions so hang in there mama. Just the fact that you are asking for advice shows that you are a caring and loving mother. Always tell yourself "in the moment" somewhere out there another mother is going through the same exact moment. We ALL do :)

Hi E.. I understand what you're going through completely. My kids are 2 weeks short of 2 years apart. My son started his terrible 2s when he was just 1 1/2 so I went half the pregnancy dealing with it!! It hasn't been easy getting through this stage. I, like you, found myself yelling a lot-- especially when you're so tired! But really yelling doesn't do anything but make you feel worse. The thing that really helped my son was talking to him over and over again. I didn't really like timeouts, my son didn't understand the connection at that age. Taking toys away for punishment helped sometimes. Most of my friends have all told me basically the same thing - it's a stage that just has to run it's course and there's no real magic trick to get them to behave!! Really I don't have an answer but more of just support for you. It does get better - my son is now almost 4 and goes on regular time outs that he understands. The more we talk to him the better he seems to get.

She's probably having a really hard time adjusting to the new baby. You can understand it, but not let her use it as an excuse to misbehave. You need to start expecting compliance with your instructions the first time you give them. Do not yell, as hard as it is. If you do, she will start to only do what she's told when you yell. The other times she won't think you really mean it, because you didn't yell it. Give her an instruction one time. If it's not immediately carried out, there are immediate consequences. A child learns that you will tell them something "x" number of times before you get mad. That child will then make you tell them that number of times before they comply. Make that number ONE. You will be glad you did and so will the people she is around. My son-in-law raised my granddaughter in "baby boot camp." I thought he was very tough on her but she's now 6 and is VERY well behaved and VERY well liked by all. I tell her one time and it's done. There is NEVER any backtalk. He provided a wonderful start. He is no longer in the picture, but his influence will last her a lifetime and carry her far!

E.: I mothered four and am grandmother to seven after teaching parent eduacation for twenty years. Twos are tough but while you attempt to maintain patience/composure, you are crunched knowing that you have a September job coming soon and little time/energy to help your two year old mature with the time she needs. It sounds like you need to give her the most/best quality time with the simple tasks that are all part of her maturing. You both might benefit from parent/child experience where other parents and kids mix it up and they can all learn from each other. I had four, less than two years apart, worked part-time & an involved dad. All your efforts count. The more effort you give now will payoff in a
happy kid (and working mom). A good hug or smiling glance or sign of approval is worth a zillion time-outs at this stage.

I hate to tell you that the terrible two's do not necessarily end at 2...but, it does improve a little when they can communicate a little better. Take a look at the Love and Logic (Toddlers/Preschoolers) book, which will help you offer options other than time-out. Toddlers 2 and up want to exercise control over their lives and this book will help you learn how to give her more control and still maintain your guidelines for her. I cannont say that it works for everything...my 3 1/2 yo daughter still runs me through the wringer, but these days are farther between.

Good luck!

I had my babies really close together too. THey are only 15 months apart. And, I know that feeling. So, what I can tell you is to take a deep breath and stay consistent with the 2 year old. I have had to do that with my son. Because he had a hard time with the new baby at first...so there were lots of time outs for not so nice behavior. As time has gone on things have become much easier...or should I say different. My baby who is now 6 months sleeps more and my son is not sitting in time out as much. YEAH. I am sure that things will get better.

WOW, Im having the same problem right now!!! My daughter will be two in july and my son is almost 2 months. I find myself praying a lot lately... mostly for patience. When I'm praying it gives me a moment to remember that she's only two and this just a phase. Well I hope it is! And it also reminds me that when I ask for patience, I wont be granted patience but that I will be given a situation in which I must be patient. I dont know if you are a spiritual individual but this is what works for me and also just taking a moment to cool down. A few moments to gather yourself helps alot. I hope this helps you and good luck ;)

Hi E.!

You are going through alot emotionally, right now. Everything you're going through is simply part of the adjustment. But, so far, the best thing you've done is to reach out for help before you regret doing something you wished you hadn't.

You didn't mention anything specific that your daughter has done to get herself into trouble. Do you feel like you're over-reacting when you give her Timeouts?

If you feel like you're giving Timeouts all day long, then I think you should try to review your discipline system. She obviously is not understanding the system or the results, because she's always getting into trouble. Are you giving her "warnings"?

I guess one thing I will mention, is that even though your daughter is the "oldest" now, she is still only 2, as terrible as that age can be, PATIENCE is an absolute must. We parents have a tendency to treat our "oldest" as if they should act older than they really are...... be fair to her, as you expect to be treated from her. It does make a difference with a 2 year old. Once I realized I was doing this with my "oldest" son, I had to change things within the home as far as how I spoke to him, and how I disciplined him. The calmer I was, the further I got with him for the longest period of time. The infant will always be fine. It's the "oldest" child/children that will need the most of you.

This is a great place to get advice, and a wonderful support system. Keep coming back if you need more support.

Love, N. :o)

Congratulations on your newborn. It's really hard to be at home with a 2 yr old and a little one. My kids are 25 months apart, and I'm due with our third in about four weeks. My children will all be about two years apart.
It was really hard for me too, especially those first six weeks. It gets better, not all at once but gradually. Some of things that I did to cope were to make sure to spend some quality time with just my older child when the baby was sleeping. Sometimes, I was so worn out from being up all night with the baby that I would sit on the couch, nurse the baby and watch television with my daughter. Okay, not the best thing, but my daughter felt like I was doing something that she wanted. I also got out of the house - story time at the library or bookstore. I tried to do things that my daughter would enjoy, so that she had something to look forward to. Then, when she had a terrible two moment, I could tell her - "We can't go to storytime until you calm down." I didn't use it as a threat, but more like something positive to focus on. Sure, it didn't work all the time but focusing a little more on her helped with the transition.
I also have a neighbor kid (about 12 or so) come in a couple of times a week - for two hours so that I can pay bills, catch up on my email, or just spend some time with only one of my kids. I pay her about $5 - $6 an hour and my kids love it because a 12 year old isn't bored silly playing with trains for an hour like I am.
I hope this all helps - and it helps me to remember what I did because I will be back there in just a week weeks. Let me know how it goes. (And really, it does get better!)

S.

Hi,
I bet you are really tired. I remember when my daughter was born I couldn't think straight for a couple of months. Your daughter is probably really jealous of the new baby. Two is very young and you may need to change your expectations for awhile and let some things slide. Yelling doesn't do anything but make everyone feel badly. Try to include your daughter in some of the things that need to be done for the baby. Remember that she just lost her place in the family and her little heart is probably broken. She is probably acting out trying to get some attention. She is a baby too and needs lots of love.
Good luck
J.

Hi E.,
It is so hard when we are sleep deprivated. It can make us do things we normally would not. I'm sure you realize that your 2 year old is also getting interrupted sleep. She has only been on this earth for 2 little years. I know when we have intelligent children, it gets a little confusing for adults, what the children's limits really are. Don't expect so much right now. Wait a few months when you have a routine down. The simplest tasks to a grown woman are astronomical to a 2 year old (who by the way is also a new life). Don't be so critical on a house that is a little messy. You should put in a movie (educational of course) when the infant goes down for a nap and you need to make sure the 2 year old is right next to you while you nap. 15-20 minute power naps really work! Get out with both kids right now and enjoy this beautiful weather. Please be good to your angels and be good to yourself.
A. B

Pick up a couple of books by Jane Nelsen on positive discipline. :-) Outstanding.