Defiant 3 1/2 Yr Old

3s are worse than 2s. someone should have told you that
there is no reasoning with children at this age. if you told her quit doing bubbles and she didn't then your next step is to get her off the sink (NOT FORCEFULLY). you wash her hands and continue with what you had planned.
you commented about your frustration in another post. i'm sorry you're having a hard time. we all do. i've learned if i come to the breaking point, then i need to lave the room and go take a deep (or two or three) breath. let it go. they are three. they will not reason on anything.

Boundaries, rules, you know the usual routine.

Next, is not giving in to her, if she refuses to stop something... then you can stop it for her. Put her in time out. If she tantrums, let her. Because, although irritating, a child WILL DEFLATE on their own. And while she is tantruming do not say anything, do not engage, just say "when you calm down.. let me know." Then when she does calm down, talk to her, calmly.

Have you tried toy time-outs? taking away her toys... and not returning them to her until she earns it back etc.

Next children will be children. They don't have full impulse control. If she is doing something that is just playing around and not actually "naughty" then perhaps allow her moment of being a silly kid. Within reason and safety.

The more you yell, the more she will. And this is what she will learn. Kids learn by modeling, and copying.

Tell her "Mommy is upset because..."
TEACH her that this is FAMILY... a family means being a "TEAM" and HELPING each other... TEACH her role in that... because as time goes by and she gets older, if she does not understand this concept... she will just grow up without respect for that.

Reasoning with a child, does not always work. So you state your rules/consequences and STICK to it. Regardless of tantrums. YOU last longer than she does... then when she deflates you have her apologize.

Does she know "manners?" Teach her.

Give her a lead time and head's-up... before you want her to stop something. ie: "in 5 minutes, you need to stop..." and set an egg timer. Kids need a transition time to switch gears, or sometimes they can't wind-down.

Have her nap. it helps the disposition of a child.
Make sure she eats healthily. Junk food makes cranky kids.

Also, change YOUR tone of voice and way of talking... because this will affect a child. "I" have learned, that when I am in a rush and preoccupied, my own tone of voice can sound real "tense" and it irks my kids. SO... I have had to readjust my way of talking TOO. Kids, are 'reactors' and they REACT to Mommy too, and get irked.

3 is not an easy age.
But, it is the time when they need to know boundaries and rules. Perhaps, make a "schedule" for her... and a cute chart with picture on the wall. Give her "CHORES" to do that are age appropriate. The point being, not that she do it perfectly... but that she HELPS in the family... and learns how that can make her feel important etc.

If you are at your wits end... tell her. Tell her Mommy needs to rest. Then do so and just sit in a chair. Tell her to give you a moment. This will teach her respect and that Mommy has feelings too. I have on occasion done that with my kids... then I have found that they will after reflecting about it and looking at me ALL POOPED out... that they actually came up to me, in my lap and said "Sorry Mommy... I didn't mean to upset you..." Kids learn that way, too.

Are you a single Mom or you have a Husband? You NEED a break too, to regroup. So tell Hubby, if you have one. HE should be watching her too so you can have a break. Or if not, ask a close friend or relative to help you babysit.

A child, has to learn, that they are a PART of the family.... that we do not revolve around them. At a certain age... it can be taught to them.

The book: "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" is great. Also "Your 3 Year Old" is a good book series too. Both are from Amazon or any bookstore.

All the best, I know it ain't easy, I have 2 kids and sometimes they do that at the SAME time!
But yelling does not work... it just makes the child more irked and then they don't bond with you.... it causes a bad habit.

Susan

M.,

First take a deap breath... Yelling at her isn't going to help. Trust me I'm a yeller (I have a 4 year old) too and have been looked down upon by some of our fellow mommies :) And you probably don't do it all the time but you sound extremly fustrated so I repeat take a deap breath.

My baby girl is also very difficult but when I see my daughter I have noticed she is alot like me. Why? Because everything I do she learns to do: such as yelling & hitting. So try this new approach... When Li'anna does something I dont want her to do the first time I talk to her (eye to eye) and tell her as calmly as I can " Please dont _________ because _________.If you do it again you will go in a time out." If she does it again in a deeper voice as calmly as you can you tell her " Mommy has asked you already not to__________ because _________. This is your last warning and if you do it again I will sit you in the time out corner. Trust me she will :) You take her in the corner and you leave her there about 3 mintues. If she gets out of time out corner you pick her up and but her back until she realizes that she has no other choice but to take the time out. Do not give in... make sure is stays in the time out corner. When she completes her 3 time out. You ask her to apologize for _______ and you hug her and tell her you lover her.

At first it will suck. It still does for me sometimes but it works. I didn't think the time out corner would work but it actually does. And speaking from experience when I get her to behave without have to yell at her we both feel so much better.

You can do it!

Something to keep in mind, as well, is how would YOU react if someone was yelling and hitting you on a regular basis? Or vice versa, how would you react if someone was treating you kindly? Children aren't miniature adults, but they frequently react in the exact same way emotionally that an adult would in a given situation. Children go through independent phases (oy... we had the terrible 3's in our house as well... and then someone recently tagged the "stupid sixes" and I about fell over laughing... last year you'd think "shoes" were a word my son had never heard before in his life, much less know what to do with them). Independence phases are hard, no matter when they come. In my experience though, the harder they push away the faster they come running back. But regardless of independence phases: A child in a house with a lot of yelling and hitting reacts in much the same way an adult does.... they either cower and become very shy/scared/timid, turn off emotionally, or act the exact same way as the person yelling and hitting... or with some kids combos of all 3.

You've already gotten some great advice about time outs, mommy-time-outs (gawd I love those), consistancy, picking battles, not asking questions that you're not okay with either answer, etc... So I won't repeat. Just wanted to pass along one thing I frequently do, which is turn the tables, and think "if it were me... how would I react and why? And what would I respond to?" in certain situations. Of course, the answers have to be made age appropriate, but the answers generally stand if not the details. Like I might like to have a long intimate conversation if I was feeling blue... translates to a snuggle and something fun for a toddler... but the general answer stands: I'd either want comfort or to be left alone.

I have no advice, but I'm going to read all of your responses, because it feels like I wrote this!! EXACT same issues with my 3.5 yr old!! I feel your same pain....I feel like I'm yelling at him all day, because I've run out of options! I want to be calm, firm, loving parent too! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!!!

Time outs remain my friend! ;) I started them when he was just one years old and still do them now that we are 6. They really help both of us have time to regroup.
One make rules she knows and understand. Two, stick to them and punish them when not followed.
So the bubbles, for instance, if it were my son (and we have had the issue over the years)
I would say "Please stop playing in the bubbles and wash your hands."
If it did not stop I would walk over, look my son in the eyes and say again "Please stop playing in the bubbles and wash your hands. This is your warning. Next time is a time out."
If it did not stop, he went into time out for the same amount of minutes as his age (3 year old gets 3 mintues).
After the time out we talk about what happened, what should have happened, he apologizes, gives a hug and says I love you. Then off to play or continue what we are doing.
This is the same punishment, in the same place, every single time he misbehaves. If we are out, I have been known to stop and sit him down in time out at the store, right on the floor by the cart and even the zoo and museums.
This does not by any means make him a perfect child. He still has weeks where I feel like I am giving that warning out every 5 minutes, or he is in time out 10 different times in one day. BUT he does know when he is in trouble and now six minutes of time helps me to take some deep breaths and regroup myself.
Time outs are VERY hard at first. They don't sit there, they scream and cry and carry on. At first I even had to hold him in time out.
The other rule someone told me: No is for emergencies and whisper to get their attention. They have to quiet down in order to listen.
Setting the ground work now will help your life in the future! :) Best of luck!

I totally under stand what you are going through. I have a 6 and a 3 year old. I was going through alot of that my self, I got to the point to where I quit asking and just did what ever it was myself. But a friend gave me a set of books "To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debbie Pearl. Those are hands down the best books I have ever read. I started doing what it says in there, it changed my life. Now instead of making excusess for the bad behavior, "Oh he didn't have a nap", the kids usually do what I tell them to do when I tell them to do it. I tried the Naughty Chair, it's still in my hall way for the kids I babysit. It did work for a very short time. But once they realize the "Hey, we are in a store, their is no Naughty Chair" all bets are off. Not only that you are training your kids to only do what you ask them to do, or stop what you told them to stop doing 3 times after you told them. 1 "Stop", 2 "If you don't stop you'll be in the naughty chair" 3 This is your last warning. Kids learn very quickly how far they can push, and if they know that they can do what it is your telling them to stop doing 3 more times before they get into trouble, guess what, their going to do it 3 more times. And as they get older they even push for that 4th time to see if you still mean it. I don't know about you, but I don't want to know that when I say something I have to say it 3-4 times to get a responce.

*Very important* As I was reading the books, it started to sink in just how important it is for your children to do what you say when you say it. One day my youngest was sitting on the toilet "Potty Training", my oldest was in there with us, my husband was at work and it sounded like some one was trying to break in. I kept SSHHing and telling them to be quiet to only be ignored. It hit me then, that it is not just about getting them to clean up when you tell them to, but listening and doing what you say the instant that you say it could save their life. Hope this helps.

Good Morning M., If you don't mind some old school advice from a mom who had her kids in the 80's U need to pick your battles, a 3 year old playing in the bubbles while washing her hands, should not be a battle, playing in bubbles is so normal for a 3 year old. Also you used the word popped, what does that mean? In raising our 3 children my husband and I did use firm discipline, we always gave 2 warnings, then it was 2 swats on the butt, but not out of anger, out of love, but it was not for everything, we picked our battles, safety issues, we had a no tantrum policy in our home. You mentioned you have talked and talked and talked, she's 3 to many words will just go over her head, and I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyways, never scream at a 3 year old, and unless they are walking into danger, don't yell. One mom suggested time outs for you, mommy time outs at times is a must. We never used time outs as discipline for our kids, but I did use mommy time outs for myself. If you feel you are going to loose it with your 3 year old, take a mommy time out. You mentioned terrible 2's should be 3's, I'm here as an old school mom to tell you I don't and never had believed in the concept of terrible two's, I have always seen that as an excuse parents us to explain away their child's unruly behavior, you can't teach her anything M. yelling at her, I remember my dad trying to teach me how to tie my shoes, he had no patience, all he did was yell at me, I did not learn how to tie my shoes because of that. You wanting to be a mom who disappears for ever, either your 3 year old is way out of control, or it's more you than her, only you know that, if she;s way out of control, it maybe because she see's you out of control, or it could be the lack of proper loving discipline, or it could be she's a normal 3 year old that, with a mom who really needs to work on her patience, and it can be a little of all of these. Children learn the most when their having fun, certain things they do need to learn with discipline, but M. she won't learn anything positive by you screaming and yelling at her. PICK YOUR BATTLES, a 3 year old playing in the bubbles, shouldn't not been one, what you should have done, and what I would have done was go play in the bubbles with her. The outcome of that situation would have been so different, and you would have created a fun happy memory with your daughter. Not only have I been a mom for 26 years, I have also been a Daycare provider for 13, I don't know everything, but I can share with you what worked in my family, and what works now with my daycare kids. If you would like to talk off mamasource you can e-mail me at ____@____.com down and things will get better. J. L.