Losing Gracefully

I think his aspergers is hindering this since it is more of a social concept ... do you have a behaivoral therepist that can help get this reigned in. My son w/ his Adhd (bad @ social queues too) has a hard time with this as well we are working on it but not well I will admit it but we do not have access to at the moment any therepists.

With my 6 year old if he throws a fit about loosing I tell him I will not play a win/lose game with him if his attitude is so stinky. I tell hiim that there is always a winner and always a close second. To call something a tie every time is just not fair. I can not say this was the best way to go about it. He has learned though he has to be a good sport in order to play win/lose things with me or anyone else. My neighbor boy who is a bit older has been helping me with this too.

I think it is normal for a 6 year old to still have problems with losing. This is the age you want to try and instill that winning is not everything. Some people have to lose in order to win in life.

For us, what helps our oldest child understand that she won't always win (which she's used to having only younger siblings) is to help her understand that playing games or doing sports isn't just about winning...

-it's about being on a team
- it's about having fun with friends
- it's about getting exercise
- it's about learning how to do better next time
- it's about developing skills and practicing them

Use an example like a puzzle with him. Probably the first time he couldn't do it. But maybe now it's simple. Ask him why? Then remind him, see you learned, you now are a master at something you couldn't do well before. So the next time you get a challenging puzzle, you have some skills to learn where the pieces go (like finding edges, matching colors and shapes and looking at the picture on the box to see how it's supposed to look).

Help him to understand that even YOU don't understand everything. You make mistakes, but you're still learning too - like cooking.

Once kids get a better understanding that life is full of up and downs and that we never stop learning I think it helps them to not feel like "losers" or "stupid".

This mindset is very self defeating. Maybe if you can focus on what he learned each time, that will help him to feel better about learning how to do better next time?

It's probably a combo of the Asperger's and his age. He's 6, so it's all about being 1st- pretty common.

Before you start an activity, game or event- remind him of your expectations. Be clear and direct in what you expect- consider having it on an idex card or something else tangible to remind him.

For example...
When we play board games, we all:
1. Follow the rules of the game
2. Take turns, in order
3. Use kind words and don't interrupt
4. Congratulate the person who wins
** Remind him before you start and then if a situation starts to arise, cue him immediately and reference the index card and the expectation specifically.

Play games like Connect-4, Trouble, Scrabble Slam. Let him win a few, let him lose a few.

The trick I use is barganing. Put two treats in matching bags marked Win, Lose. Play a game. The winner gets the win bag, the loser gets the lose bag. Each bag has a good treat in it. One that he would be happy with either way. If he doesn't play the game, he doesn't get the treat.

M.

You know that Aspergers kids take things very literal.

So you need to let him know it was the game that was lost, not him personally being a "looser" .

Also that everyone looses every once in a while and that is ok. It is learning experience.

Or that it is just chance (a bit abstract) that no one can control. and this is fine. It is the way it is supposed to be.

Also explain it is not who wins or looses, it is the fun you are having playing the game.

Also in everyday innteractions, talk about and show how you react to mistakes, bad "Luck" and things ourt of your control.

"Oh darn, we were going swimming and it is raining. I am disappointed, but oh, well, maybe tomorrow will be better. What fun thing can we do right now instead? "

"Oh gee this movie is sold out. What options do we have?" "What can we do next time, to make sure we get into the movie we want to see?"

Go to an arcade and when you loose, show a good reaction to not winning. "Gee, I think it will take a lot of practice to ever win this game."

"Hmm, I am going to try this, even though I do not have any idea how to play this. "

Then when he wins, or you win, be a good sport. "Wow, I won, that was all luck. " "You played a good game to."

We always end our game playing with "Good game!". "Thanks for playing."

I don't know much about aspergers but when my kids act like this (they are 4 and 7) I ignore them because they need to know that that behavior will never get them the attention they are wanting. I'll say "Oh, well I wish I could play with you but now you're acting that way." and start picking up the game. Works like a charm.

You got some great advice from the other moms that responded! Part of the problem is his age and part is probably the Aspergers. I just want to add that the best teaching tool is example. It is also important to teach our kids how to win gracefully. And ---- this process doesn't happen overnight, so give it time too.