Loosing Myself

i know this sounds harsh but let him....all those are scams anyway these women do that to get money and to get men to bring them to the states its a huge scam.....just like men that chat with women they say they love you and they are in africa on buisness and can you send them money...sad but true its a SCAM

M.,
It sounds like things are really difficult for you right now and understandably with your husband and kids. With the new baby your hormones are probably really off and postpartum depression is setting in. That would be difficult enough, but dealing with a troubled marriage is adding a tremendous amount of stress. It is not your fault. You need to find someone to talk to, a therapist, a counselor, clery, your OB. Please, for the sake of your children and your health, make an appointment to talk to someone. If you have the means, find someone to help with your children so that you can take care of yourself. If you are in the Las Vegas area I can give you some referals. For information on postpartum there is a great website/organization called postpartum support international.

> Dear M.,
>
> I tend to agree with your family. A man that would do this to you is
> in some way abusing you. Just because he works with the Sheriff
> department does not mean they will choose him over you in the first
> place. I think a man that would threaten you like that deserves to be
> hit with a suit for child support and if necessary any other support
> you may need after you have given him children. He, in my opinion,
> has already cheated on you by getting this woman to come here to the
> states and I wouldn't be to harsh with her she may not know about you
> and your situation. I think what he is doing to you is inexcusible.
> I would also say that counseling to build your own self esteem might
> be a necessary evil till you feel you are worthy without him.
>
>
>
> I spend many of my good years with a man similar to him. I am so glad
> I got a divorce and started my life on my own. I have done so much
> better without that type of behavior. I am an awesome person and now
> that I am away from him he now realizes what he lost. To bad for
> him! I know it is tough to walk out of a situation like this but I
> will say you will find out just how abusive he is when you get away
> from the situation for a while. I want to also say you have done
> nothing to drive him to do what he is doing he is doing it cause he
> wants his cake and eat it to. I am so tired of men blaming their
> wandering eyes on the women they are with. We do not drive a man to
> leave us they leave because they want something new or they can't find
> what makes them happy but we are not responsible for their shortcomings.
>
>
>
> Let me say one more time you will be better off with your kids and
> teach your kids good values because honestly what are your children
> learning from his behavior? If you don't leave for yourself leave for
> your kids.
>
>
>
> Good Luck
>
>
>
> D. H.
>

HI M.,

The first thing you need to do is contact your Dr. Talk to him or her about how you are feeling. From the sounds of it (and I am no doctor!) you are experiencing Post Partum Depression. It affects everyone differently. If left untreated it can create serious problems. I know from experience! The Dr. will also refer to you someone you can talk to.

The second thing you should do is get an attorney and file for custody. When you do that, take all the evidence you have found (phone records, plane tix, etc) with you and show the attorney. You need to protect yourself and your kids!

Do not blame yourself for your boyfriend cheating. HE IS THE ONE TO BLAME. Whether there were problems or not in the relationship there are other ways he could have handled things. Look at it this way...you didn't hold a gun to his head and tell him to cheat did you?

Just to give you an idea as to where I am coming from, here is a little history about myself. My first husband and I were married for almost 5 years. We were together for almost 8 years. About 5 years into the relationship things started changing. My husband had a child from his first marriage and we never had any kids together. Anyway it started with phone calls. Everytime I would answer...the person would hang up. Then I noticed cars driving by and turning around right after they passed the house. That's when he would make up an excuse to run to the store or run some errand. Being a trusting person I believed him and just put my suspicions aside. In the mean time our relationship was steadily getting worse. We stopped communicating and seemed to be arguing about everything.( I am so glad we didn't have kids to listen to it!! ) This went on for a long time. Once I found a pair of underwear under our bed and I knew they weren't mine. When I confronted him he swore up and down yes they were mine...he had bought them for me. Another time I found an earring in his coat pocket while doing laundry. He had put it inside a plastic baggy. When I confronted him on that, he said he found it in the driveway and thought it was mine. That's when I flipped. The earring was black hills gold and I do not wear or like black hills gold, personal preference sorry. I flushed the earring and told him I guess he was gonna have to buy her another pair. I ended up leaving. Like you though I thought I couldn't live without him. He denied everything said it was all in my imagination. I ended up going back to him and a few months later got the shock of my life. I came home from work early and literally caught him in the act. He couldn't deny it anymore! I filed for divorce the next day.

My life revolved around that man and I thought I was going to die from all the pain. It wasn't easy but I did get through it with the help of my family and friends. 3 years later I met the man of my dreams. We have been happily married for 5 years and have a beautiful little boy.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.....don't give up!!

M. - My heart is breaking for you! You have to deal with all of those hormones on top of being in a world of pain. I think your family is right about leaving your man. I also think that you need to build up a defense against him. He sounds like he is an intimidating, threatening kind of guy. He also thinks you are weak. Prove him wrong, you have so much strength within you. You need to SECRETLY photocopy every bit of proof you have about this woman from France. Print e-mails, save phone records and try to copy the plane ticket. This way, if Mr. Powertrip even tries to use his status from the Sheriffs office to get custody of the kids you will have a case against him and it will not be hearsay. In fact, you should probably talk to a lawyer and seek real legal advice rather than just mine.

I know you love him, but he's not going to change. If he were going to try to fix the relationship then he should come clean with you and discuss what is going on. The fact that he is blaming you and acting as if you're crazy is horrible. He is unworthy of you. Reach out to your family, they sound like they would be willing to help you.

Also, on a final note - you have to know this will impact your children if you stay. Do you want your sons to treat another woman the way he treats you? Or how about your daughter? Wouldn't it break your heart if she were with someone like him? If you stay with him, your children will learn from their models how to behave. For their sake and yours you are so much better off without a guy like that!!!!!!! Your children are hurting with every tear they see you cry. If you do leave him just remember that it will hurt in the beginning, but in time you will begin to heal and you will be better off for it. I wish you strength and happiness!

First thing is first, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Nothing a woman does should ever make a man cheat or think about cheating. If he is unhappy he should have left instead of looking somewhere else. Same goes for women dont get me wrong i don't condone cheating at all. But men seem to have the upper hand in things like this. They play one a womans heart strings...usully her children. If you are a good mom there is no reason that they should take your children. Oregon for the most part is a "mommy state". I am not saying to leave if you dont want to. You sound realy unhappy and for you to think that you caused his reaction is just sad. I feel for ya. Maybe you both should go to a counslor together because maybe being a dad and hunny is to much for him maybe this other person is just his"hideaway" some where he can be who he wants to be and then he can come back to reality. Hang in there. If he does leave you for another woman..then i say good riddens he does not deserve your time. GOOD LUCK!

I know you are hurt and want to make your relationship work but if he's not willing to talk to you or hear what you have to say, then its a lost cause. My ex husband cheated on me and I left him. Theres not enough love in the world to deal with a two timing loser and outside problems. What about stds! My happiness and the happiness of our children means more to me. Its hard raising my kids own my own but I'm happy, they are happy, and healthy. You don't want your kids to think its ok to cheat on their spouse. Especially if they have kids. As far as him getting custody because he works in the sheriff dept, keep all evidence of his affair and he won't get custody. Infidelity and the fact that he has a demanding job will show he's not capable to raise kids on his own so he'll get joint custody, or visitation. Don't let him bully you or frighten you. You have to decide what you want to do. People can only give their opinions, you are the deciding voice.

As a mother of a 2 week old baby, you have enough to worry about just with that! It would be wonderful for you to talk to someone, I'm wondering if a post partum depression (not that I think you have this, but your circumstances could put you at higher risk.) would at least help you find a resource.
If you live in Oregon, I have a couple of resources for you to call. Feel free to email me privately.

Hello. I hope this finds u in better spirits. I have not had anyone who cheats but I have been in a situation of sorts. My family didn't want me with my husband either. He has tried killing me a couple of times. I moved to Las Vegas with him 3 yrs ago. We worked thru it and my family was against it. I'm not saying it's right for everyone but if u think there is something going on and u have tried to confront him and he won't talk then it is possibly true. U have to do what is right for u and the kids. Be safe and remember them when u are having a hard time. They are your joy and if need be u can take care of them by yourself. We are strong women and we need to hear it more often. Make a choice but don't wait forever. I thought if I left my husband I couldn't do it but deep down we all can. If you need someone to talk to let me know and I will give u my #. I know you don't know me but I can listen real well. I am a mother of a 5yr old boy & 4yr old girl. I am 28yrs old and like to help. God bless and good luck to u and your children. Always keep them close and enjoy them. Best wishes S.. R.

Don't let him threaten you with his job! It is so hard to take a child from their mother, after all, we give birth to them! I know it's hard to deal with. I've been through it and just recently. Mine cheated on me with the girl who was supposed to be the babysitter! What made it worse, she moved down the street! You can be strong about it. There are better men out there some we are too blind to see. In whatever choice you make, do what is right for you and your children, but be happy doing it.

If you want to make it work I would understand that. But you need to get some help. Marriage counseling when he is ready but you should definetly see someone just for you. If you can see a counselor, therapist or pastor you would be doing your family a favor. Your children need a mom who isnt miserable and depressed. And if your baby is just weeks old there is a chance your hormones are making thigns alot worse for you. Find someone who is neutral to the situation to help you figure out what you need to do to make yourself feel better and be proactive in working on your marriage. This may help you find better ways to approach the subject with your husband as well. Just hold on and do what you need to do for your children and yourelf to get through whatever may come. Dont let people judge you for wanting to stay in your marriage. alot of people now think that you should always cut and run instead of trying to work it out. Make the decision that works for you and you children not your friends and extended family.
I truley wish you luck and hope you can find a way to work things out for yourself.

HI M., I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING. MY DAUGHTER IS TWO YEARS OLD AND HER FATHER WERE TOGETHER FOR 4 YEARS AND I SLPIT WHEN SHE WAS 5 MONTHS OLD BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS ON THE COMPUTER AND TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS AND I JUST COULDNT TAKE IT. I FELT LIKE MAYBE THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. IT IS DEFINITELY LONELY AT TIMES BUT IT IS WAY BETTER THAN BEING NEGLECTED. HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND WHO IS AROUND MY DAUGHTER TOO AND I GUESS I HAVE TO TRUST HIM TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION TO NOT HAVE SOME HUSSIE IN HER LIFE. I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I WOULD JUST RATHER SPEND TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER UNTIL I FIND SOMEONE WORTH DATING! I HOPE THIS HELPS A LITTLE! HANG IN THERE! YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION! BUT DONT MAKE IT FOR THE KIDS, MAKE IT BECAUSE ITS WHAT YOU WANT! BETTER TO HAVE YOU BOTH HAPPY WITH OTHER PEOPLE THAN MISERABLE TOGETHER! TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK.
J.

The first thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer. Knowledge is power, and you will start to feel more empowered when you get more knoweledge about what this man can and cannot do. It might be different since you are not married to him, but generally the courts favor custody with the mom, and would probably allow visitation with the dad. I think you're family might be right, I don't know all the facts but it sounds like you should send this fella packing. Going through this type of thing is very difficult, and it hurts, I went through a divorce when my kids were small, some days it does feel like you want to give up. But trust me as soon as you start getting smarter (seeing a lawyer) you will start to feel stronger. Remember he only has power over you if you allow him to, and it seems from your letter that you allow him to have alot of power over you. The other thing to think about is, your kids already know something is wrong, the sooner you get your head together and get strong, the better it will be for them, and in the end though it's painful now, they will love and respect you like crazy for your strength.

Hi M.,

I just want you to know that I completely understand what you're going through, having gone through this myself wit h my ex-husband. I knew he was cheating, because he brought me home 3 STD's(thank goodness they were all treatable with antibiotics). When I confronted him on the issue, he would tell me I was crazy, and that if I kept accusing him, it was going to make him cheat on me. He also told me that if I tried to leave, I would regret it. He threatened to take our son, and told me that I was "all used up", "nobody's going to want you anymore". He cut me so deeply. And he didn't want me, but he also didn't want me to leave. He controlled me with fear, and I stayed. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore, and I knew that he had threatened me with all kinds of horrible things, but come what may, I had to leave. My mother allowed me to move in with her, and I stayed with her 2 months while I saved up enough money to get a place of my own. My ex-husband never tried to get custody of our son, in fact he rarely saw him at that point. When we went to court, the judge determined that he would pay me $600.00 per month for child support, and that I would have custody . I then moved 2 hours south of him, and I haven't been back. Since then I have met and married my current husband. The difference between him and my ex is amazing! So I encourage you to find a family member and get out of there! He is only threatening you and trying to control you with fear, and he had no intention of following through on any of his threats. You see, if he really wanted to keep his children, he would pull his head out and do what's right. As scary as it seems, you can do it. I was a young mother, no education, no money, nothing. Nothing but determination. I could not bear to live like that anymore. Please for the sake of your children get out of the situation. My heart goes out to you. I know what you're going through. I'll definitely be praying for you and your children.

K.

Dear M.,

I am so sorry to hear that things are not well with you. I have to tell you though, that one thing I've learned in life is this: sometimes we have to do what is RIGHT for ourselves and our children, even if it isn't what we WANT.

You obviously want to work things out with your daughter's husband but the very fact that he refuses to admit there is a problem is a huge warning signal to you. He is telling you that your feelings don't matter when he tells you it is in your head and threatens to take your daughter away from you.

Your family is right--he will only hurt you in the long run and do you really want any of your children growing up in an environment where their biggest memory is Mommy crying because Daddy hurts her?

You can't blame that woman from France--it is entirely possible that she doesn't even know about you and your family.

You need to take care of YOU and your kids. Please, let your family help you. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. And, don't be afraid to raise the kids on your own--it's obvious that you love them and will do right by them.

I've been there. You can do it.

Take care,
J.