Looking for Reassurance and Some New Ideas

As far as your son, everyone has their own timetable for learning to speak and he is responding and communicating, so that is a good thing. My husband was raised in a bi-lingual household so he did not speak fully until he was three. There are lots of reasons why I child would speak late, but some of them are ones where you want a professional opinion. I have seen in other posts where people recommend ECI (Early Childhood Intervention). This is their website: http://www.dars.state.tx.us/ecis/index.shtml. The evaluation is free, but I think he had to be three.
My friend's younger brother did not speak well or clearly. It turned out his ear drums had ruptured from multiple ear infections, and he was not hearing clearly. They fixed that, and he got speech therapy and is now great. Point being it never hurts to have things looked into, and you will either alleviate your worry or get an early start on addressing any issues there may be.

As for your mother, you only have to last until October. Do a lot of nodding and counting backwards from 10. As long as she is right there all of the time, and if you have already told her how you want things done, she is obviously going to keep giving you opinions. If she is punishing him in a manner you don't like, simply walk over, pick up your son, say, "Thanks, mom. I've got this.", and take him into your bedroom until he calms down or you complete the discipline how you see fit. Good luck and lots of patience!!

Hi. Now I am going to say this as gently as possible and i mean it in a heartfelt way.

So you take your child to the doctor, an you ignore his advice. It's been a year and you're son is still not speaking like he "should" be. Well, unless you have a MD and a speech therapy degree - perhaps you are not the expert? Also, it's part of your job as a mom to teach your child to act like you'd like him to -whether he wants to or not. Stuborness is a trait that you can't control, perhaps, but you can (and should) start to teach him that what you say, goes. If you bring him to a therapist, he is gonig to do what is required of him or there will be consequesnces (this will be a bit tough at two, but you'll figure it out). Also, speech therapy won't be like sitting though a boring HS history class. They will make it a lot of fun for him. That is why you bring him to an expert.

And I think that your gut feelings are important, however, what if there is a problem that you are not recognizing? After all, that's why they are experts. Give the therapy a try. You might be surprised.

Good luck!

Hello! I am going to respond to your question about your son. I totally believe that parents are the primary educators of their children and I understand your point that YOU are the person who knows your child the best. I do think you should trust your instincts as his parent. You are probably right about his capabilities of speech. However consider his ability to communicate. Being able to talk is one thing, being able to participate in an exchange with people besides yourself is important. When our doctor first asked us to have our son evaluated for speech we resisted because boys talk later and we wanted to give him time, every child is different. By his next checkup he was even more behind his peer group and we decided to follow this advice: testing is just information yielded from the parent interview and the child's response and interaction with the evaluator. What is done with that information is up to the parent. We had him evaluated twice, with the same findings. We put him in a type of therapy where one parent is present and required to be involved with the whole session. Along with the therapy came parent training, and early learning skills that facilitated communication. We thought of it as very affordable pre-school or mommy and me. Bottom line? We saw how much HAPPIER our son was in just a few weeks. My only regret was that I held back from giving him this bridge to learning to communicate sooner. Best of luck to you. I can tell that you are a very loving mother who wants to be on her son's team. Looking into speech therapy doesn't mean you have to make any commitments.

Updated

Hello! I am going to respond to your question about your son. I totally believe that parents are the primary educators of their children and I understand your point that YOU are the person who knows your child the best. I do think you should trust your instincts as his parent. You are probably right about his capabilities of speech. However consider his ability to communicate. Being able to talk is one thing, being able to participate in an exchange with people besides yourself is important. When our doctor first asked us to have our son evaluated for speech we resisted because boys talk later and we wanted to give him time, every child is different. By his next checkup he was even more behind his peer group and we decided to follow this advice: testing is just information yielded from the parent interview and the child's response and interaction with the evaluator. What is done with that information is up to the parent. We had him evaluated twice, with the same findings. We put him in a type of therapy where one parent is present and required to be involved with the whole session. Along with the therapy came parent training, and early learning skills that facilitated communication. We thought of it as very affordable pre-school or mommy and me. Bottom line? We saw how much HAPPIER our son was in just a few weeks. My only regret was that I held back from giving him this bridge to learning to communicate sooner. Best of luck to you. I can tell that you are a very loving mother who wants to be on her son's team. Looking into speech therapy doesn't mean you have to make any commitments.

You are missinterpreting his ablity when you summed up that he is smart and understands but is just refusing. That is exactly why your doctor made the referal because he needs therapy. He does not want to talk because he has an issue, period. Stubborn kids have deveopmental reasons for not speaking, like spikes and dips in verbal processing funciton that make him less willing to be frustrated by the process of speaking, which needs theraputic intervention so that he is no longer frustrated enough to express his stubborness by not trying to speak. Your doctor gave you bang on advice, and you have lost valuable time. Go to the speech therapist, make that appointment today. TIME IS FREE. It is the only thing that will be if you son has these kinds of issues, especially if you let them fester and become an impediment to his congnative development.

I see a parrallele here between your relationship with your Mom and your dismisal of your doctor's advice. She knows best even though this is your child, and it is "Her WAY!" Isn't that what you did to your doctor? Stand up and do what you want to for your son, but know when you are expressing a dysfunctional control issue and are exercising opinion over expertise; IE when you assume that you know more about speech diagnositics than you do...

Please take him to a speech therapist, and listen to your doctor if he gives you any more advice about evaluations related to your child's development. You don't know how lucky you are to have such a progressive pediatrician. Many would ignore his speech issue until you had lost the most valuable years, and you would be stuck with what you could fix by default by the amount of time you have left to do the most good. Don't reject anymore referals from your pediatrician, if he gives you more at his 2 year check up, go. The milestones are there for a reason, and if your son misses one, it is not true that he did so just to be stubborn, pay careful attention, and tell the doctor how your son needs to finish completely crying before you can do anything, I think you need to share that.

M.

As a communications disorder major & special educator ...I'd suggest you follow the previous responses advice #1) does not hurt to get an evaluation #2) if you could get regional center to pay and play with your kid - giving you a free 30-45 min - why not...speech therapists dont force speech, they focus on repitition at that age and maybe some of their tactics may work...I have a friend who had a now 7 yr old boy who you can't keep quiet, but at 2 was delayed in speech (had maybe 1-3 words) he definately had behavior issues because of it and if it weren't for the therapist (though all are not SuperGreat) those behaviors would have been handled in a different way...so I say just get the eval & decide from there

I agree with the other moms that suggest getting an evaluation, however, I have to add that my first born (son) didn't talk until he was 2 years 2 months old. We signed up to that point and he could understand everything I said to him, but he just wouldn't say anything. All of a sudden full sentences started coming out. It was like he was saving it all up until he could get the words out right. He reads books like that now (still learning to read), silently sounds out words in his head then when he gets the word he says it out loud.
So you may want to wait to get the evaluation if your gut is telling you that he's fine. He may be - he's just taking his time - he's on his schedule.

And good luck with your Mom. It must be really irritating, but i'm sure that she's just trying to be helpful not hurtful. And she loves you and just wants the best for you. If you look at it from that perspective it might help in your creative responses to her.

If my doctor suggested speech therapy, I would certainly check it out. What can it hurt??

Regarding your mom, since you have a short timeline and are out of there in October, truly pick and choose your battles. Don't let her usurp your authority, but tread carefully or you will damage the relationship beyond your moving out. October is not very far away; hang in there!

As for the speech therapy, I think you should take your dr.'s advice and get him started. Speech therapy is not just about "teaching" your son to speak. It can help him express himself and isn't that what you'd like? Don't be afraid, embarrassed or ashamed to get any and all help for your child. As he gets older, you will see that many, many MANY kids have some sort of "issue" and ignoring it won't help anyone!
As fort he situation with your mom, all I can tell you is that I am 46 and when I'm with my mom, I'm still 12.
Start saving/planning for a place of your own!

First, why not take him for a speech evaluation. If nothing is found great.
However, if he does has a speech delay, the earlier you act on it the
better. How would you feel if you waited and waited and found out there
was a problem. The older they are the longer it takes to correct. Please
for your son, just get him evaluated. You can do it thru your school dis-
trict.

As far as your Mom goes, you need to get out on your own if possible.

I can tell you I went through the same thing with my son when he turned 2, but I was the opposite, I was worried and thought he needed help and my Dr. just said he'd be a late talker. He was a very good non-verbal communicator so his lack of words never caused any stress. Plus he knew alot more than a 2-year old typically knows and the Dr. said that was more a sign of intelligence than the number of words he was saying. She said if I felt more comfortable I could call Early Intervention, which I did and got him such speech therapy. He started really talking a few months later and by the time he was evaluated near his 3rd birthday, he was far past where he needed to be. I do think the therapy helped a bit, but I also feel that the Dr was right and he was just going to be a late talker. But I figured, better safe than sorry and I really didn't mind having to get him therapy b/c at 2 he definitely was way behind in his speech, so I thought what if I didn't get him help and there was something wrong. My Mom always told me that I was a late talker too, I didn't start saying anything until 2 1/2 and I haven't shut up since...I think my son inherited that trait, b/c he is constantly talking now!!! :) I always think, a little help can't hurt, but if there is something wrong, then doing nothing could hurt. Good luck!

i hate to hear about your situation with your mom, however, since you have to live with her for now i'm not sure there's much you can do. sometimes family just have too much togetherness, and it's not good. you might be getting on her nerves as much as she is on yours :) try to be patient and remember, a few months of this will not scar your child for life. just hang in there until october. it's not worth (in my opinion, from what you've said) severing ties with her and burning bridges....if you have no other option than to stay with her, you have no other option than to try to respect her ways, being under her roof. one of the hardest parts when i stayed with my mom for awhile, was not being "queen" of my own castle, i.e. the woman of the house. it's a control thing partly i think. especially since you were a stay at home mom, i'm sure it's hard to hand over the household reins. hang in there! you can do what you have to to get your family through this period.

as far as your son's speech patterns go, first off i would stop giving him what he wants, unless he asks for it. you say he is stubborn, but he has to learn that to get what he wants he needs to SPEAK. i am sure this isn't the entire cause, but i bet it is some of it. it does sound like you cater to him somewhat. but also, i would consider speech therapy. one thing i had to realize as my son got older (2-3 years old) was that others can do amazing things with my child that i never thought possible. and yes, even better than i can do with him. he does preschool, daycare, sunday school, and those teachers get him to pay attention and sit still better than i ever could. you might be surprised how a different approach, by a trained professional, might help your son find his "voice," where your tactics have, you have to admit, failed so far. it is always worth a shot. i bet you'd be pleasantly surprised. just saying. if you are worried about it, which, despite saying he will talk when he is ready, you must be, because you're asking. if you truly feel unconcerned, then yes, he will probably talk on his own timeline. it is up to you to decide what you're comfortable with.

While our mommy guts are amazing things I absolutely don't think that anything will be hurt by taking him for an evaluation by a speech pathologist. They can offer you amazing tips and tricks to do most of it on your own. Sometimes they don't even recommend therapy! Just give you some advice and send you on your way. It's our job to do the very best for our little ones and by at least having him evaluated you will know that you have explored all the avenues. And then you take the path that works for you and your family.

I worked in therapy for a long time and let me reassure you that your son will probably be happy to go to therapy and see his therapist! They always want to do things for other people that they fight us on. Speech therapists don't sit and drill kids with "say apple. aaaaapppplllle". They make it in the form of games and toys. They make play part of the therapy program.

And yes, all kids finally do talk (barring unfortunate health issues) but my way of thinking is get everything checked out and then I can make an informed decision.

Best to you both!

My husband didn't start talking until he was 3 years old - he's a chatterbox now.

Regarding your mom, that would be tough for me too. Resentments can certainly build when boundaries are crossed. I'm a firm believer in honest communication, but I know that it doesn't work with my mother. Distance is sometimes for the best - and when I can't get that, I pray to have compassion on my mother's shortcomings. It's amazing how compassion can change my perspective.

What is the harm in getting your son evaluated? The worst possible situation is that he needs speech therapy and then he will receive it and really begin to blossom.

You need to take your son to a speech therapist...it has nothing to do with him being smart and his own timeline..yes all kids have their own, but he needs speech...they will pull the words out of him and all you are doing in enabling him. I have 2/3 children in speech who are extremly intelligent...but they needed help..my 2nd son was speaking either with a few things here and there, understood everything and now he doesn't shut up...take him to be evaluated.

I am going to respond to your speech question. My feeling is how would getting him evaluated hurt? I had my son evaluated for early intervention (physical therapy, fine motor issue) and found all the therapists to be lovely, my son had a blast (it was like play sessions) and it was free and they came to my home. He ended up not having enough of a delay to qualify but I would have had no problem having the therapy had he qualified. It is absolutely no indicator of intelligence, and if your son didn't like it you could always switch therapists or cancel the process if needed. How could it be harmful? Why not?!

Hi S....

I hope all is well!

For your first issue...I'd take the pedi's advice and see a speech therapist and let a professional say whether your son is power tripping or not. It may not be a speech problem but something else. You owe it to your son to make sure he's got all the tools needed to succeed in life. Taking him to be observed by a speech therapist doesn't mean you're admitting to him having a disability. I understand how you feel. I mean, its just like any other supplemental learning activities you would do. If you kid is having trouble in math or needs more practice at baseball.

As for your tension with your mom. I am very strict and demanding when it comes to who is the law. My parents were strict with me but when it comes to my son they are very respectful. At the same time, I know when I'm not around they will spoil him of course and that's great, but if I need to discipline him in front of them what I say goes and that is that. But, I bet if I were living with them it might be different and I might be more apt to let them run the show. Since we have our own place it's our way or the highway.

Your mom is not going to change. She seems to be hardwired to believe she's ruler of all. And, that's cool most of the time, a rock like that in the family is needed. But, hopefully October rolls around fast so you can put order in your family the way YOU see fit because what you decided is absolutely right for your son. May not be right for me, or your mom or the lady at the supermarket. But, how that boy is as a man is completely and totally YOUR doing so what, where, why and how is totally your decision and its totally correct.

the very best of luck to you!

In NY state, child services are free. There is no down side to your son being tested. Only good can come from it (prove you are right or he gets help). There is no shame in this.

Sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel. Ask her to listen and not react. Communicate!

I think an evaluation with a speech therapist would be a good idea.....believe me I understand the mothers "gut" feeling thing, but what can it possibly hurt!!? There is no shame in saying your child needs a little extra help. As mothers we need to make sure we do everything we can to help our kids in there growth and development. You may be right and he is just a little speech delayed and will catch up in his own time, but there is no harm in an evaluation with an expert...Plus, how much easier would your life be if your son could communicate with you? That in itself might help his stubborness if he could express to you what he is feeling and why, rather than just refusing to listen and having a crying fit. It must be very hard for him to not be able to communicate his feelings to you. Best of luck to you!!!!

I am all for gut instinct, my sil kept saying to the Dr that her son wasn't yalking yet and his response each time was "he is a boy and you do all his talking for him" so why should he talk. Then at hi 2 yr visit the Dr asked if he was talking yet and when she said no. He said to her that there was something seriously wrong with her son. And that she needed to get him help. Had she listened to her gut he would have had Early Intervention sooner. Have him checked out by the Dr and have someone from Early Intervention come nd do an evaluation. It can't hurt.

THis is in response to your son.....My son will be 2 1/2 next month. When he was 2 and ready to go to the doctor he was maybe saying 15 words. I was a little nervous but not so much because like your son, he understood everything. My sons doctor reassured me that he will be okay because of this understanding. The time to worry is when they don't say anything or understand what you say. Now, he is saying many words (he's like a parrot) and even puts 2 or 3 words together. I would say, go with your gut. THe doctor can;'t make you do anything. As long as your son understands what you are saying you should be fine. Every kid is different. He will begin talking in no time.

S.,
You are a great mom! You know your child so well. You should def stick to your gut feelings about the speach. It sounds to me like your child is really advanced for his age. He is a thinker and probably a perfectionist.These children need to finish their thought before they can switch gears to think or listen to you speak to them. As they get older they need to learn to do this in order to be social, but he's 2!!! When he does say something, try to ask him a direct question about it, you may be surprised.
As for your mother, you should let her read this post. You are doing what she taught you to do and I'm sure she dosen't want you to resent her for it.
I would love to hear more about this as I have an 8 year old similiar to your son. I also have 5 other children who are not. They are all happy and fine except for a little jealousy about the fact that the 8 year old is in a higher grade than the 10 year old! E-mail me if you like.
S.

Just really quick about your son -- boys generally start talking later on than girls. My girlfriend has a 3 yr old and he just now started talking. Don't listen to doctors all the time, follow your instincts when it comes to your child. Unless your child is resembling forms of abnormal behavior, or you see signs of autism, don't worry about it, he'll talk when he wants to and whether he starts at 1 yr of age or 3 yrs of age, at the end he'll end up in the same place as other boys his age. As for your mom, be patient, parents are very stubborn, they always think they know best, when you're old and grumpy you'll probably be the same with your daughter (smile). my father is like that when he's at my house (thank God he doesn't live with me, I couldn't take it), he criticizes how I do things and why I act this way or that way towards my daughter, yet, I know I know her best and just like your son, when she gets upset, it's best to leave her alone and not make things worse by paying attention to her. So just be patient, you can't change your mother, you will resent her if you don't just accept her and learn to ignore it. I feel for you. Sorry for your troubles.

My son didn't start to talk coherently until 25-26 months...I was never advised to see a speech therapist. Around this time, i decided to start him on arts & crafts ( kind of remembered that a&c helped with my daughter's development )...and sure enuf, within 2 weeks his speech improved
dramatically. Now about to enter the 4th grade, he's reading on a 6th grade level and his math is also elevated. ( his 3rd grade teacher had him working in a 4th grade book, all term )

Also, my recollection of my uncle didn't truly speak until he was 3-4, became a doctor.

As for the Mom, thing..you need to be direct and tell her. I've been told not to scold her in front of child, but I disagree with that advice...I try not to be nasty about it, but if my mom behaves in a way, i deem inappropriate, i try to stop it right then and there.

It may be time for you to put some distance between you and mom. She seems to feel she can do a better job of raising and disciplining your son. While she may not agree with how you are doing things, you are the mother and the decisions in childrearing are yours. Mom may feel that she can over ride you because you live in her home, regardless of whether you are paying your own way. You may need to think about finding your own place if you want to be the authority figure over your child. It may be hard sometimes for parents of adults to realize that while they may not agree with how their adult children run their lives (including childrearing), that things do not have to be done their way. Sometimes it also feels like an insult to them if you do not wish to do things the way that they did them. Make sure to communicate to your mom that you feel she did a great job in raising you and you would never have wanted any other mom, but that you are doing things a different way, the way that you feel your son as an individual needs to be parented.

In regards to the speech thing, I think you have to follow your gut. I know a child well who only spoke a few words on his second birthday. The Dr was the same way, wanted to put tubes in his ears. Mom wouldn't allow it for the same reason, her gut told her otherwise. And by his third birthday he was all caught up and speaking normally. I think you have to look at how he is speaking, if cognatively he is understanding and he does sometimes say things clearly and there is no confusion of words or consenants (sp?) you are probably fine. Just keep your eyes on it. You can always change your mind and decide he needs speech therapy in a few months.

have you thought about introducing sign language? I know that he is a liitle older than most kids who start but sometimes kids prefer to use sign language and it can actually help them learn language and talk more. I started doing sign language with my daughter at about 8 months now she is 12 months and she can sign more than she can say but she also talks more than most kids her age. It could be that he is just being stuberned so we as parents always need to be a step ahead so instead of forcing him to do something that he does not want to do find a different way to do it. He will still be learning to speak and comunicate by doing sign language but maybe in a more fun way that he will like. Now about your mother, I have the same problem with my mother-in-law AND my friend. It is really hard to explain to someone that YOU are the mother and not them. You spend the most time with your child so you know him better that anyone. Maybe ask your mom if anyone ever tried to tell her how to raise you and how she felt about others butting in. Don't be afraid to speak up. If she is doing something that you don't like tell her that is not how I want it to be done and I am his mother. Usually being nice gets the job done but in this kind of situation you might need to be a little more firm. Just because you stay in your moms house does not give her the right to raise your child but if he is doing something in HER house that she does not like then I would say that she has the right to say something but she should be saying it to you and you take care of it. Hope this helps

I was going o respond to the speech issue telling you to go with your gut. BYT after eading some other responses, I have been convinced that what could it hurt to get an evaluation. Your gut is probably right,k but better safe than sorry. That's like if he was a little bit hurt you could say, well its probably nothing and wait or you couold get an exray just to be sure. What woulod you do in that case? ....As far as your mother, as long as you live with her, you can't really say to her not to discipline him. Sometimes you're not right there in the room. She might do things a little differently than you but as long as what she's doing is not harmful to him he can understand and navigate the two approaches from the two of you. That is normal. It is causing you the resentment because you are in the same house and you having control issues. understandable. once you get out on your own again I hope that you will let go of the resemntment and accept her for who she is, that would be the most mature thing. Good luck

kids have their own timelines, and i think moms generally know best. that's not to discount the teamwork required between parents and professionals, but remember they are trained to see big trends and what's the norm for *most*, and that by definition means there are some (many) kids who fall outside that spectrum. i have met a LOT of babies in my half-century plus who aren't speaking coherently at 2 and it hasn't meant anything at all except the babies hadn't decided to do so yet. in a tiny minority it was a symptom of an issue. trust your instincts with your baby.
as for mom, you probably won't completely revamp your relationship with her at this point, but you can have two clear goals and just focus on them. 1) your baby will only be disciplined by you, and you will remove yourself and your child from her presence if she refuses to honor that. 2) you will express your appreciation for her help whenever you have the opportunity, without letting it cross the line into abjectness or resentment. if she chooses not to hear your appreciation, that's her dealio. you are going to behave appropriately regardless.
good luck!
khairete
S.

If you want you son to talk you need to stop giving him things unless he asks. Does he point when he wants a drink or snack? Then make believe you dont understand. Tell him to tell you what he wants. I dont care how stubborn he is, if he is thirsty he will ask. No he wont fade away from lack of food or drink. Sure you can get him evaluated, but since he talks when he wants to you have to make him want to.
As for your mom, does she watch him while you work? If so she is probably spending more time with him than you and has developed her own way of disciplining him. Children are very flexible and will respond to many different parenting methods depending on where they are. You might have spent a year with your boy, but he has grown, changed and what worked then might not work now. Notice I said MIGHT. But kids keep changing, so the method of teaching has to change with them. Perhaps you are resenting your mom because she gets to spend more time with your son. You need to show the same patience with her as you are with your son.

I would take the dr's advice about getting a speech evaluation. by 2 your son should have 50 plus words. yes each child is different but there are general guidelines. i know 2 year olds who can sing full songs, answer questions and start to converse. at 2 my son only had about 25 words and was very quiet. i got him a speech evaluation. he gets speech 1X a week and is talking non stop now :). he has so much fun- it's like play time for him.the therapist is stopping speech in the fall because it is no longer needed. i really don't want her to stop coming because he is learning so much and he has fun.
really, what harm could it do to get an evaluation? the initial screenings are usually free and in your home. are you scared of what they will say? the therapist could give you pointers how to help you & your son communicate better. if he could communicate better, he may not get so upset. sometimes kids get frustrated because they can't communicate and then they act out.

As to the speech, stick to your gut! My friend's son really didn't speak until he was at least 2, and then when he did speak he was speaking paragraphs! All of a sudden here was this little boy who didn't say 2 words to me babbling on and on about his day. It took a couple minutes, and then another friend of ours and I looked at each other as it dawned on us. I guess he just didn't want to talk until he could really communicate. And while people did push for the mom to take him to a speech therapist, she waited because she had been a late talker herself.

The only advice I can give toward your mom would be to talk to her while the 2 of you are just hanging out and relaxed, not when something you disagree with has just happened. Tell her you love her and that you appreciate everything she has done raising you, but now you need her to let you do things your way, and ask her not to discipline your son while you are there. She will find this very hard to do, she has been a mom a long time and is used to things being her way. Try and pay attention to the really great things she does that we all get accustomed to (take for granted). Store these somewhere in your mind to counter-balance the things that drive you crazy and then just repeat your mantra that it is only until October. When you have your own space you won't feel as much resentment toward the things she does (or at least they will be less frequent).