Looking for Help in Pacifica

I work in a preschool and can echo that hitting is very normal at this age. One thing that can help the child is to practice other things to do with their hands. When the child is in a calm place, talk about holding her hands together when she is mad. She can practice this, and then when she is mad and you see she is about to hit, you can say just, "Hands Together!". She will get it over time. You still need to do all the other work the other poster mentioned -- talking about feelings, talking about what happened to make her hit, etc. Most important is modeling appropriate responses to anger, frustration, annoyance, etc. and giving those emotions names. Eventually she'll be able to say "Stop!" or "I need more space" or "I don't like that!". Model model model, and good luck.

I know how you feel. I have an 9 yr old daughter and a 3yr old son. My daughter never hit but my son does. The person he hits the most is his sister. He is great at school and very rarely hits (maybe 3 times in the last year). We have worked a LOT on using our words, but his sister has a tendancy to ignore him. He will try numerous times to get her to listen and then he will hit or kick her to get her attention. We have tried everything; timeouts, losing a toy, even spanking once, but nothing seems to stop the hitting. We have also punished our daughter for ignoring her brother(not sure if that is the right thing to do) and explained over and over to my son that even if someone ignores you, you can not hit. The whole situation is difficult and I am at a loss as what to do.I am very interested to hear what other suggestions people have for your situation maybe it can help us also.

Hi M.,
How is your three year olds language skills? Does she find it hard to communicate and resolves to hitting? My middle child which is 8 now, useto do the same thing, but with him it was all the time! We would go to the playground and he would go up to someone and just push them or hit them. We realized that he was just trying to say hello. Well, we started prompting him. When we arrived places we would run up beside him and if he approached another child we would stop him, have him extend his hand for a hand shake and say, "Hi, my name is Antonio, what is yours?" It took alot of work and running around but we finally got him to stop and it became a nice way for even me to meet new people, because most of the time parents would approach. So, try prompting her when you see she is getting upset, to speak out her feelings,to say, "I DON"T LIKE THAT" or "I'm NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW!" and maybe she can sit with a favorite toy or with you until the anger subsides. I know that it may be time consumeing and sometimes even frusterating, but she is small and moldable still. This is something that she will get over, with your help and LOTS of LOVE!! Hang in there, and by the way have big sister help too. Teach big sister to come and give her a hug when she sees she is getting upset, or to talk soothingly to her.

There is a great book called "Hands are not for Hitting". My son didn't hit very much when he was younger (Now he is 6) but it did make an impact on him when he did. Good luck! K. S.

Give him something to hit instead of you. Get one of those cheap punching bags for kids and tell him he can only hit it. Or make a game and show him when he is mad he can hit his pillow and not people.

M.

Both my girls went through that stage. Redirection worked great for us. Honor the feeling and the impulse "I understand you're angry and its okay to be angry but in this house, we do not hit people or animals. (we had to add that part when the cat got involved :))If you want to hit something, its okay to hit the couch cushion or a pillow." If it seemed like a good time, we'd talk about why they were angry and how we would get angry sometimes too.
Hope it works as well for you. Good luck!

when my older boy was in this stage I bought him one of those inflaitable punching bag toys and at his school thye teach the kids to Stop.. cool off and try to use your words i just used to make my younger one count to 10 and take a deep breathe to then try to tell me what he wanted..

There is a good book called 'Hands are not for hitting'. Best advice is to stay consistent with your response when she hits. Same words (hands are not for hitting) for example.

Good luck!

There is a book called Hands are Not for Hitting, by Martine Agassi, it is also part of a set of five, that includes: Feet are Not for Kicking, Germs are Not for Sharing, Teeth are Not for Biting, and Words are Not for Hurting. I found them at www.barnesandnoble.com, but I am sure any local bookstore would carry them also. Well, I just read the other posts and saw that someone else had mentioned this book, but I decided to post anyway since the info on the series might be helpful to someone

good luck

My son is 2 and sometimes when he is very frustrated he hits. My son is very social so we also let him know that if he hits people his friends won't want to be around him as hitting hurts and no one wants to be hit. That usually stops it for awhile.

My two year old is also hitting. It comes and goes in frequency. Stick with time-outs. You're doing the right thing. They should be 3 minutes, one minute for each year of age. Afterward, approach and say "Now, let's talk about why you had a time-out." Don't drone on, make it short and sweet. Explain that you understand she is upset/mad and be specific. Remind her that hitting makes people sad and it's a lot easier to make people happy in life. Don't make comparisons to your older child such as... "Sally never hits." You can also suggest that she hit a soft, inanimate object, like a pillow, to get frustrations out.

I am a preschool teacher of 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 year olds and let me tell you it is pretty normal at this age to hit. They have not developed the language yet to tell people what they want or what they are feeling so they hit. It is a fast easy response to them being upset. Just model the words they should be saying. "Oh I see that you are upset can you tell so and so why you are so mad". Still remove them from the situation because they did hit. AND do not give them a ton of attention about the hitting. "Such as We do not hit and go on an on about it because then you are giving them tons of attention for a negative behavior. Try and catch her when she does not hit someone after being angry and say "I love how you told me how you feel instead of hitting and make a bigggg deal out of it. Hope this helps.

When my son was three, he went through a hitting and kicking stage. He didn't know why he did it and loved those he hurt. I bought he a blow up clown, the kind you hit and it pops back up. I told him when he wanted to hurt something to beat the clown up. By the time he popped it, he got over his anger and did not hit anyone else. It might be worth a try for your daughter. Good luck.

Linda Field, Downieville, CA

I hate to say it, but maybe she need to understand that being hit is offensive and hit hurts. Maybe a small light sock back might be in order!

Hi M.
Get your daughter a punching bag i used one with my daughters when they were toddlers (4,6.8,10)
I have 4 daughters all grown I was also a stay at home mom and the punching bag worked also explain to her over and over not to hit people
hope this helps good luck
J.