Looking for Advice in Talking with My Husband.

K.,
I think it would be helpful to get at your husband's reasoning. Asking, "WHY don't you want another child?" will likely cause him to become defensive. Using "Why" is threatening to most people. Try something neutral like, "Tell me your concerns about having a second child." and really listen to his concerns. It might even help to write them down. Let him know your concerns, too (he might need to know that you have really thought about this). You should be able to connect over the shared concerns. Once you are feeling more connected, talk about the joys that you could experience by having another child. (try to end on a positive note) Try to meet weekly to explore one of your concerns at a time and to determine how much that concern would truly impact your life and a decision to have another child. Write those down, too. If it is time, money, sleep, etc. look at it logically and add up all of the facts. Does this concern outweigh the possible joys of having another child? Let him know that this is a decision that you would like to discuss and that you value his input. This may take quite some time, but let him know that this is important to you and you are willing to invest time in the discussion. Good luck communicating. Let me know how it goes.
J.

Oh K., my heart hurts for you. Just please do not forget that you married your husband for HIM not for the children you would have with him. Our husbands come first. This was (and can still be) hard for me. Our vows say for better or worse...that means even when we don't agree on things.

Absolutely share your heart with him. Tell him how bad it hurts you to think of not having another child. But maybe he just needs to know that you love HIM unconditionally. That even though it hurts you, you will still love HIM no matter what. And once you have shared it all with him, then pray. And love your husband through it all. Even while you are hurting, tell him how much you love him.

We can change our attitudes by changing our focus. If we focus on what we do have and not on what we don't have it will make life's disappointments so much easier to handle.

K. I pray for the Lord to cover you in His peace during this difficult time. And I pray that He will strengthen your marriage. In Jesus name, amen.

Hi K.,

I have 3 kids w/1 on the way. I'm sorry to hear that you & your husband do not have the same mindset regarding children. Children are a blessing given to us by God. Yes, they can be difficult at times, but God says, "Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalms 127:3. Now, my husband & I do not necessarily think "the more the merrier", but we do look at it as "If God wants us to have more, we will & we will raise them to the best of our abilities". My suggestion is this, pray about it. If God wants you to have more, he will change your husband's heart. After #2, I had an IUD removed. We were thinking that we may have more children, but at a much later time. About a yr after the IUD was inserted, both my husband & I started feeling that we needed another child. Once it came out in the open (we were feeling it but not discussing it), I went to have my IUD removed 1 week after my cycle. That was my last cycle until our daughter was born. We felt that God was telling us it was time, so we listened, and a week after removal, I was pregnant. Doctors were baffled since it usually takes a while to become fertile after the removal of the IUD. So, try not to worry, or become upset about it. Just ask God if you are supposed to have another & if so, that He changes your husband's heart. Please feel free to contact me if you'd like. I'd love to chat more about it. Good luck with everything & God bless!

J.

K.:

Hello! I truly feel for you. This is a hard situation to be in. My husband and I wanted four kids - two boys and two girls. We've been pregnant five times and have two beautiful boys. I lost Alexis at 6 months gestation - I felt her moving and kicking, etc. The other two were lost at 3 and 4 months. We both believe that God was telling us two was enough.

Our first son was a TOTAL joy - slept the night through at 6 weeks, was always laughing, RARELY cried, etc. our second son - oie! If he had been our first, we probably would've scrapped plans for anymore! He hated his dad for the first year of his life (no joke - would cry the moment he walked in the room, etc.) he couldn't lay down to sleep, spent the first year sleeping in a car seat or bouncy chair. This ended up being his ear canals were not fully developed and the pressure could not be released - he had tubes put in his ears and was EXACTLY like his older brother from that point on - rarely cried, VERY happy and all was well.

Both my boys were preemies. Our first was six weeks early - and we were expecting that - he was excited to come out as we were to have him! (it took us four years to get pregnant!)

Our second was a TOTAL surprise preemie and had pneumonia and stopped breathing in the hospital - dr.s said he had a 50/50 chance and would be in the hospital for 6 to 8 weeks in the NICU. It was horrible. We called our church and a prayer chain was started, in less than 48 hours he was off the ventilator and out of the hospital in 9 days. Everyone was surprised! We knew he had Angels (and My oh MY have they been busy!!! Thank God he has them!)

Any way - we have decided no more babies. We've considered adoption for the girl he truly wants but we TALK about it. We share our feelings about this subject. Losing babies is not easy. But having more isn't always easy either. There are many questions that need to be answered:
Is the house big enough?
Do you have enough money to have another?
Do you have enough money to pay for daycare for an infant? (you stated you work outside the home and live for your family)
Do you have the patience to have another?
Do you think you'll be as anxious with a second baby?
Was it anxiety or post pardum depression?

If there are stresses in your life now, having another will DEFINITELY add to those stresses. Demanding him to tell you why he doesn't want another won't be condusive to a good discussion on the subject.

I would pray about it. I would also broach the subject with care - let him know you'd like to understand his stance on no more babies so that this doesn't become a bone of contention between you two. You don't want an "oops the BC didn't work" because the trust issue will come up and once that's gone, it's VERY hard to get it back.

If you are not into praying (God works in mysterious ways!) then I would suggest counseling in order to figure out why you two can't agree on this subject. If he's supportive as you say - you should be able to talk about this without making him defensive.

I will keep you in my prayers. If you need to download, I'm here.

Take care.

Just let him know that all babies are different and the next baby might be more peaceful and then you in turn will be more pleasant. He has to also understand that its all about phases. The baby will grow out of colic and sleepless nights. It doesnt last forever. So if he can suck it up and make it thru those rough infant years there are plenty of wonderful fun years after that. Maybe he needs a year or 2 to forget about all the infant drama.
I have a similar situation, my hubby cant deal w/ all the drama of the toddler years. He most definatley doesnt want anymore kids! And while I am fine w/ 3, 1 more would be nice. My only consolation is that I feel I am too old and too heavy to bear another pregnancy, more sleepless nights and endless toddler drama. So I am ok with it.
IF it comes down too it you have to decide if your "need" for another child outweighs your love for your husband. Remember that if you were to end this marriage in hopes of finding a new husband that wants kids...fate might bite you in the butt and he could be infertile or something else might prevent you from having another child. Then it was all in vain. So maybe give him some time and then approach the subject again. You might just have to work hard at convincing him, but I am all for having more than 1 child.

At first, my husband wanted a bunch of kids but once we moved to the U.S. (from Costa Rica), he stated absolutely no more kids!! Too much money etc. We now have three and he (we) couldn't be happier. All of the kids were unplanned. Birth control didn't work all of the time :-) My neighbor only has one child and they enjoy him to the fullest. What I am trying to say is that accidents happen but also, if you only have one child, enjoy him. More kids also means more homework, more pairs of shoes, more money for activities. THere are pluses but there are also minuses to having more children. I wouldn't change my crazy life. Keep the discussion open with your husband and good luck.

I would wait until your son is more independent. Then bring uop the subjuect and also put in there all babies are diffremt. Sorry I'm half a wake writeing this

After reading everyone else's advice I'm not sure what to say but tell you my story. My ex and I had a beautiful little girl. She had reflux and it was hard. We both had always said, two kids. Well when she started kindergarten I was ready and after a long discussion he said ok. So when a few months went by and it was time to start trying all of sudden he changed his mind. He gave all his reasons which pretty much told me he felt like I was a horrible mother. Long story short a year later we were divorced. I later remarried and had two more children (boys) with my current husband. Our first son had colic. OMG...I thought I was going to die. For 6 months he cried every night from 6 pm to midnight and over time it got less and less until it stopped! Our boys are two years apart and my second baby is an angel. We knew right away what to do if he got fussy (found the right formula and gave him milacon!)

What I am saying is that your feelings are just as important as your husbands. He made a commitment to you just as well and just because it was hard to raise one child it doesn't mean that the next one will be the exact same. Trust me we were so scared about that but it wasn't enough to say we couldn't love another baby. Regardless of anything the first year of a child's life is a lot of stress on a family. Having the two boys is the best thing ever and they are so close to one another.

I agree with one poster that you should ask about his concerns and then tell him why it is so important for you to have another baby. If you can afford a child financially and the only reason is the next baby might have reflux too, then not good enough. You know now about formulas and medicines and soothing methods to help. It's always easier after practice. He too needs to consider your feelings and what it would mean for your first child to have a sibling.

Good luck.

Hi K.,

If your husband does not want another baby right now. Take a break. Enjoy the baby that you have. If that is not enough, volunteer to be a Casa (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for the children in your community.

Join a civic group that works to help children like the Kiwanis Club.

Get you an appointment book with 3 columns in it a put each person's name at the top and fill it in with routine things to be done.

www.kidspriorityone.org or ###-###-####

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

Oh I totally feel for you. My husband and I are in the exact same boat. Our son was born with reflux as well, and between the lack of sleep, the constant vomiting, and we moved right in the middle of it, even the thought of going through that again is just too much for him to handle right now. My advice would be to just be open and honest with him about your feelings about wanting another one, and let him know that it's not like you want to get pregnant tomorrow, you just want to know that you both are on the same page when it comes to a plan for more kids. And I mean seriously, if you dealt with that the first time around, I really don't know what could be worse... you guys are going to be pros the second time around!!

Hi K.:)You are not along in this situation, and unfortunatly I do not have an advice:(....When we got married I wanted 8 kids(my crazy childhood dream also included identical triplet girls LOL)and my hubby was like the more the marrier.Now I see that he can not handle that many, so I said 4 would be fine.We have 2 boys and he says NO MORE. At this point we would not be able to afford another child, but just like you are saying"one day"
I would like another one(Lord willing). My hubby actually wanted to go and get "fixed" but they would not do it without my signuture.
I do not know what the answer is, I am not going to push it, but I am afraid that at some point I will feel resentful since we have talked many times about it before we were married.

Hi K.,
How about watching a movie together, at home, where someone finds out their pregnant or has a baby, etc... then during the movie, you could comment about how you miss this and that and wouldn't another baby be nice. Stuff like that. Have you considered adopting? Or if the need is just to love something, what about a puppy? It gets you up in the middle of the night too.
M.

Hi K.,
I also had a baby (son) who was my first with horrible reflux, very fussy and just wouldn't sleep except on me! Good thing is now... (if your peditrician is good) you won't have to go through the fussiness that you did with your first on your second child. When my daughter was born, and started being very fussy, we immediately put her on reflux medications and our problems were solved. And each child is different.

Good luck!!!
B.

Is having another child more important than considering your husband's feelings, which might just change given time? Your mate must be willing to accept another child because what if a second one comes with a disability? Your husband would probably be resentful. You both must agree before having a second child. He must be equally committed and won't be if he's pushed into the decision.

Are you really willing to let this be a deal breaker for your marriage? There are so many challenges couples will face in life. Are you willing to take your son away from his father, who you wrote is otherwise supportive, just for the sake of another baby? Why? What's the big rush? Just because it'd be nice to have your babies two years apart? Do not create a situation in your marriage that ends up making you all miserable. You already wrote that your lives are stressful and hectic. Maybe your husband would respond a little better if your lives smoothed out a bit and he could get some room to consider what a second child would add and not take away.

I think that men frequently do not appreciate "all things baby" the way that moms do. I know it seems like your 2 year old has grown up a lot, but trust me, he is still a baby. You husband may still feel trapped n the baby stage. Your husband may be more accepting of this idea in a year or two when you son becomes more roungh and tumble, more of an independet creature and a child not a baby. He will see that eventually they do grow up.

That being said, I think that it is inappropriate for your husband to close the door on this espcailly given prior expectations of more kids. It is not a choice one partner should make, but it should be an ongoing discussion and negotiation. You can't force him into it, certainly, that would be the worst thing. But I hope he is at least sensitive to your feelings?

I suggst that you speak to a counselor individually to help you deal with this situation, but to also give you some coping skills to improve the marriage and your parenting skills should you have a new baby. Perhaps if your husband sees youmaking these efforts, he will be less worried about what a new child would bring. My guess is that he doesn't feel like the marriage has recovered fully yet from your son's infant days. Work on making the marriage more secure, and then invite him to counceling with you to mediate this dispute.

I don't know if all moms agree, but I found the second time much easier. A bigger age gap probably helps - I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. I think that is an argument you could also make to your husband - if you wait another year, you will have a more independent older sibling as opposed to two babies.

Don't give up you desires here, but help your husband to feel a little better about things before applying any pressure his direction.