Looking for Advice - Waukee,IA

Hi L.,

I put my little ones to bed to sleep from the time they were born. My mom told me that if you want them to go to sleep on their own, you should put them in their crib when they are tired, and let them learn to go to sleep on their own. I never really had to go thru the cry it out thing with my children, but I have with others. What I don't understand is why parents want to rock and hold their children for a few months and then make them go thru the crying when all they would have to do is put them to bed from day one. I believe you should put her to bed awake, and let her learn to go to sleep on her own. She will be much happier & more content once she does this, and so will you. Most parents want their children to do this sometime in their life, and I believe it is much easier to do this the younger they are, instead of letting them get use to it for 6 months, and then deciding to change their whole life.

C.

I think it is definitely too soon. She just met you a couple of months ago. She has to learn that you are there to comfort her and help her with everything since she is so new to the world that she cannot do things on her own yet. And that you will be there whenever she needs you. I personally would say 6-8 months would be okay to start letting her cry it out [once they are eating real food regularly and aren't actually hungry at night], but I didn't really try it until 10 months, and even then I worried a lot.

Remember every child is different. We started putting my daughter to bed awake at around one. She would fall asleep so quickly in our arms that first year, literally 5-10 min. Once she started staying awake past that point we just put her in bed as if there was a time limit. I know a lot of people do NOT spend that much time putting their child to bed but for me it is the only time my daughter is calm and cuddly. She is almost two nowand is a champ at bed time so I guess that strategy worked for us! They are only little once so enjoy it, they have the rest of their lives to go to sleep without you!

My feeling is that your infant is only this small for a little while. I have a 22 month old and 3 month old. I did not push my 22 m.o. to fall asleep on his own, and he did fine after I stopped breastfeeding shortly before his first birthday. I am in no hurry to do it with my 3 m.o. Spending time cuddling helps with bonding and developing trust.
If you feel like you need to start teaching her how to fall asleep on her own, I prefer Dr. Sears method, and there is video on it if you visit babycenter.com and search the website.
A lot of people are willing to give advice on how it worked for them; but your child is different and you need to do what works for you and your child. The only thing you can do wrong is not love your child!

Babies need to feel loved and secure. If they do they will learn to comfort themselves more easily in the long run, knowing that if they have trouble they can count on you to be there for them. Letting a little newborn cry it out is cruel and harms the emotional bond. Go to the library and check out some books on attachment parenting, specifically books by Dr. Sears. I cry when I hear people say you will spoil a baby if you let them be rocked to sleep, that is ridiculous! Stop listening to people who give that kind of advice and enjoy the emotional closeness that comes from snuggling your newborn.

I did it both ways. Trust yourself and trust what your baby is telling you. Babies are not all alike. There is no "wrong" way. What feels right to you?

L.,
She is too young..plus Dr Ferber (who everyone thinks condones this) has recently revised his recommendations and does not recommend letting a baby cry it out since so many have misinterpreted his studies and advice. Love and hold your baby all you want... this first year will go so fast... enjoy it, soon they will be too busy to be held.
C.

Instead of following a book.....what does your gut and instincts tell you. When your baby cries, she needs you. If she were three and crying would you go to her? Just because she can't talk doesn't mean she needs you any less.

L.,

It's not too early, it's actually quite late and will take longer, but can still be done. With my first, I waited until she was over a month old and it took a week of training. Baby #2 I started at less than a month and the training took a few days. With #3 and #4, I started training in the hospital the day they were born and there was no crying at all involved. I just woke them up after nursing and layed them down in their plastic bin and they fell back asleep. They come into this world knowing how to put themselves to sleep, but they lose that ability quickly when we always do it for them.

It's fine to let them cry. It's good for their lungs and is the first step in a long road to healthy independence. You can do it a few ways and it depends on your baby's personality which is best.

1. Make sure all needs are met - full, burped, clean, warm.
2. Lay them down and leave. It's hard to hear them cry, so keep a distraction and a clock handy so you give it more than 15 seconds.
3. You can come back in 10 minute intervals or increase the time intervals - 5 min, 10 min, 15, 20, etc.
4. Sooth and reassure. Come back and get them calmed back down. Make sure they didn't get wet or need to burp if the process is taking unusually long. One of my kids did better if I left him in the crib and just patted his back and talked to him. Two of my kids wouldn't calm down unless I picked them up. One went nuts when I went back in the room and left again. It was just better to leave and be done.
5. Leave again and repeat until they are asleep.

This takes time and patience. My oldest child (and the one I waited the longest to train) took nearly an hour the first night to go to sleep. It was shorter every night until she went down without a cry on day 6. Even the two who never had to "cry it out" eventually had days when they were older that they would test the water - they all do it. Just be consistent.

The other major benefit to teaching babies how to put themselves to sleep is that they learn to sleep through the night. All my kids could go 12 hour intervals by age 2-2 1/2 months. The earlier the better, so if it was me, I would start ASAP. My four babies are happy, well rested, confident and independent children now and mom has always been well rested and happy, too.

Good luck,
S.

Although I read all the "cry to sleep" books, etc. I never felt like it was right for us, and I cuddled my daughter to sleep as long as she wanted/needed it. In other words, until she was 3. I still cuddle her before bed after reading stories, and it is a special time for the two of us to connect and to talk about the highs and lows of the day. (She's now almost 8.) However, she falls asleep on her own.

The time goes *way* too fast, and your baby will only be a baby once. She isn't always going to want you to rock her, and she isn't always going to want to cuddle you. I'm a firm believer in being with your child how they want you as long as they want you - because soon she will be 15 and will want you to be as far away from her as you will get. And wouldn't you rather spend the time together with her actually *together*?

I realize that this is pretty much opposite what all the experts say in those "get your baby to sleep" books. But I also know that there are 6 billion people on Earth, and most of those people were born in countries where Mom held/wore/carried her baby all the time while she works, etc. Millions of years of evolution tell us to carry our babies and to rock them and cuddle them. I can't believe the experts are right when our species has been designed to cuddle and carry our babies.

Go with whatever feels right for you and your baby.
Good luck!

I know you have had a lot of answers here and that you are doing well. I just read your "what happened" and want to point out that holding and rocking and bonding with your baby isn't spoiling her, it is loving her. There is a difference of spoiling a child and spoiling a child rotton. You don't spoil a child rotton unless you fail to teach them patience, giving, compassion and loving others by teaching them self induglence, intitlement and intollerence. I have two granddaughters. I love to buy them something when we go shopping and they know they will get something if they are well behaved. I love making clothes for them and yes I am grandma and I do spoil them with letting them do more then they would with parents. It is a good spoil, makes times special with grandma and let's face it, grandmas can do that. What I don't do is spoil them rotton by underminding their parents, not expecting them to treat each other and others with respect or giving in to their fits when they don't get their own way. Rock and hold that little baby, she needs it and believe it or not so do you. When she is older then she will be feeling safe and secure enough to go to sleep on her own. The reason some don't like to go to sleep on their own is because they don't have the feeling of being safe and secure. Right now she needs to know that she is safe and secure in all the new surroundings. Once she is a sleep, you can lay her down and if she wakes back up pat her on the back or rock her cradle. Even putting on some calming classical music will help a lot. If she cries, I would pick her up and hold her even if only for a minute to let her know that you are there.

Hi L.,
Since your little girl is only 2 months I wouldn't worry about rocking her to sleep; it's good bonding time. Now when she reaches 5-6 months then it's okay to let her cry it out or go to sleep on their own. Best wishes.
L.

L., there will always be write ups one way then another way...lots of opinions. Raise your baby the way that feels right to you and feels right to her. She knows what feels good and what she needs. You know what you can and are willing to provide. If that means giving her more nurturing than others are willing, can or will allow that is their way of raising a child...or their way of listening to public opinion. Are you going to take a poll each time you do anything with your baby? Even notions about what doctors should do or not constantly change so even pediatricians do things one way then a few years later go with the temperature of society and swear the other way is wrong and will swing back again having no opinion of their own. I like the "old fashioned doctor" that just knows what is right in his or her heart and "sticks" to it.

Obviously there is no one way to do anything and if you constantly worry what others think there will always be others to sway you differently.

Want an opinion? I have four children. Each of them need a little different handling when it comes to many things but as far as love, you can never give too much. Worry about being a "push over" later and learn to say no only for dangerous things and explain things as you go, staying close to your children so they will value your opiniion and know what you are telling them is not simply your "temperature" for the day but NEVER can you give your child too much security or too many hugs or hold them too much. You are letting her know you are there for her, love her and will protect her. Sounds like you need a "baby wrap" or sling so you can hold her close and cut up vegetables for dinner.

Sure during dinner prep as my daughter became a little older she stood there crying to be picked up and yes, my oldest slept with me until she was eight!! But she is truly truly close to me and we talk about "everything" as she is now almost 15 and still comes to me for hugs and kisses every day and listens to "all" of my advice. She listens because I always gave her my love and good choices. She always chose what she wanted but it was from three things I gave her to choose so for me "any" of her choices were certainly good ones and she felt freedom and independence always to make choices, not knowing that I taught her to believe in herself while showing her how to make good choices.

One baby had no problem sleeping on his own when he was little, but he finds his way into my king size bed from four to now six and tucks himself somewhere in the bed. My youngest is four and still does "family" sleeping. I would not give up the closeness and the security my children feel in their day hours. (oh and my six year old had a 'car' bed which worked for a while and now has a 'loft' bed but there is nothing nicer than feeling loved in your sleep I guess. Personally, this is the least of things to resist and I believe my closeness to them helps them know that when I tell them drugs and other things are bad for them, they know I say it with love and care not just to be "boss" or go with public opinion.

Listen to your heart with your children. They have but one childhood to feel loved and secure in. You are creating an adult that has memories to look back on. What kind do you want to create for YOUR child. Perhaps you should "put down those magazines" LOL.

Enjoy your children.

ym

It's ok to let them cry, but are you comfortable about it? A lot of times the baby can feel your energy that something is wrong. Maybe layer her down rubbing her gentally and making sure she is fed, changed and isn't gassy.

Blessings upon this child and you.

Love,
M.

I'm sure you will get a ton of responses from people who are COMPLETELY opposed to ever letting baby cry it out, ever. At this age (2 months) she needs to feel secure--continue to hold/rock her to sleep. At some point, it is very important (kind of a "life skill") for babies to learn to self-calm. We were not able to do this with either of our girls until about 6 months. We would try periocically around 4 months if they were just "too nosey" to go to sleep when rocked. We had fluctuating success at that age. Even now, the 9 month old sometimes will fall asleep on her own and sometimes needs one of us to help resettle her, but we try to put her down partly awake. But 2 months is too young.

its ok girl! you do what you need to do! hold that baby! babies who are held and responded to often-all the time are happier, more confident, secure, and cry LESS than babies who are forced into independence and maturity before they are ready!!

www.askdrsears.com - the source for attachment parenting! its all instinctual. you feel like you need to do something for your baby, you do it, and thats great! :D
babies do not understand that anything they want is anything except a need. its all a need for them! babies dont manupulate, they dont know how! they dont lie in bed going "gosh darn it mom just let me have my way" they are lying there going "moooommy!! i have a need!!! im upset!! comfort me!!"
if you stay connected and responsive, sometime aroudn a year old you will notice that her cries will lose some of that urgency, and you can leave her fussin a little. but you still need to know that there are times where your baby will always have the urgent cry, and its best to respond immediatly to that. the sooner the better. those urgent cries are the ones that pretty much determine the strength of trust and intuition between you two! :D and for now, all the cries are urgent. babies have high needs!

in order to get yourself some hands free time, purchase a moby wrap! :D they are so comfortable, though you might want to practice a bit :D but they are the best!

anyway, just do what you do . you gotta do whats right for you and your baby. :D

My son has been a great sleeper since he was 2 months old. At that point he was definitely not putting himself to sleep. Babies under 4-5 months of age do not have self soothing skills. You ABSOLUTELY CANNOT Spoil a newborn. It is definitely too early to let her put herself to sleep. "Baby 411" is a great reference book for lots of topics including sleep. I referenced it at least daily about the first 6 months or so. "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" is also an excellent resource for sleep questions. I attribute much of my son's sleeping success to the tips in this book. He is 1 1/2 and sleeps from 7-7 and still takes one 2 1/2-3 hour afternoon nap.

Hi L.
You are going to get many diffrent ideas to your question. So you as her mother need to do what YOU feel is right for her. from a developmental stand point you CAN not spoil a baby until they are six months old. there brain does not understand if I cry mom does this until six months. so with that being said I would say hold her when you need to but try to put her to sleep on her own when possiable. Good Luck T.

She's a bit too young to put down yet by herself. Try swaddling when you put her down but I think rocking her is totally fine yet - she has to bond with you and trust you in the first few months. I think I started putting my daughter down by herself well after 6 months. I fed her her bottle, rocked her but then put her down when she was just about to fall asleep. You can read all you need to but there are so many different things people do. You do waht is comfortable for you and your baby and do whatever works. I think though putting her to sleep now and letting her cry will not work as she is way to young to understand why you aren't coming to get her when she needs you. Wait a few more months. Don't rush the independence, it will be here soon enough.

Don't worry about letting her cry herself to sleep. She is still too young. Follow your insticts. That is what I did. When she gets a little older you can work on having her calm herself to sleep. If you do let her cry only let her cry for a little while before going in and checking on her and don't be afraid to do it slowly. But, I still think it is a little soon to expect that of her.