My cousin's wife, also my good friend, was in a really bad car accident a couple months ago. She is now finally out of rehab and back home. She is mostly paralyzed from the neck down. She has some movement and may continue to get back some. I love her dearly and want to be there for her but am so nervous on how to act. I just wanted to get some advice on how someone feels in her situation. Thought a good book would help!
Joni Earekson Tada, a quadraplegic herself since an accident as a teen, has written many awe inspirig books on the subject.
I dont have a book recommendation but I can tell you this. Just remember that she is the same person inside just changed a little outside. Treat her as you did before, she will appreciate you for it.
I don't have a good book either, but Julia said it plainly. Treat her the same.
If there is a book I don't know and I would be doubtful that it would give you all the answers. Your friend is the same individual she was before. There is no right or perfect way to treat her, so treat her like you always have, and don't be afraid of her. You won't have the perfect thing to say so just do the best you can. You are both in this situation for the first time. You are both bound to make mistakes.
I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting too. You told us that you "love her dearly and want to be there for her." So tell her just that! Actually that sounds pretty perfect to me.
This happened w/ a friend of mine who went to Iraq. He had one leg amputated, has only his thumb remaining on one hand, lost an eye and an ear. He kept telling those of us who would talk to him that the worst part of it all wasn't the fact that he'd lost 1/2 of his body, but that people treated him like he had a disease. Just treat her like you've always treated her. She's still the same person, just in a healing process. Look at her in the same light as you would if she's just had her appendix removed. She'll appreciate that :)
I am not sure about a certain book but if you check with your local library or bookstore, they may have suggestions. Just remember that she is still your friend, be honest with her about your feeling nervous. She has had a big, dramatic change in her life and would probably enjoy conversation about something that you have in common that has nothing to do with her handicap. She will also appreciate the optimist view instead of the pessimist views on things. I am guessing that she will probably have a caregiver there to help. If she likes movies maybe finding a good comedy DVD, some munchies that she can partake of and just some laughter would be a good start. Good Luck and God Bless!
Great advice here! I think it's wonderful that you are asking this question. So many people just shy away from people who have a disability and you are willing to overcome your nervousness.
I think she may be nervous to meet with friends too. She might feel odd or self conscious and you can probably help each other out by breaking the ice.
Even making a physical connection will go a long way. If she has feeling in her hand, hold her hand briefly when you greet her or touch her arm when you are speaking. Just normal things like that may make her feel like she is the same person.
I wish I knew of a book that would help! I think you are a great friend and she will just be happy to have you by her side.
Be the same person you were before. It's very sweet that you want to be your best for her. I don't know of any specific books, but I wonder if Christopher Reeve or his wife wrote something about his life after the accident. All the best to her in her recovery.
My mother is blind and has been for my whole life. The worst thing you can do is feel sorry or try to treat them differently. She is still a person just treat her like normal. Let her do as much as she can and offer help but don't force help on her. Let her lead with what she needs and just do what you can with being condescending. I am sure that this is a difficult time for her maybe you could find a non-profit in the area that could connect her with other people in her situation. You can send me a personal message if you have any specific questions.
A.
Although there are many books you could probably read, I don't think you need one. If you're able to feel empathy, then you only need to think about how YOU would feel if you were her.
I don't know your friend, but I think most people would feel depressed at having their mobility taken away & having to depend on others for the basics (like having someone wipe your butt), thankful to be alive, shocked at the sudden change in personal situation, grateful for family and friends, unsure themselves how they feel from one minute to the next, hopeful that the future will be good to them & they'll get better, anxious at how other people will now see them, and their emotions probably run the gamut.
Who are they now? A person's identity changes when something like this happens, and there can be quite a bit of insecurity as to how they will "be" in their new circumstances.
I'm sure all of this is very overwhelming for your friend. I think the best thing you can do for her is to let her know that your feelings for her haven't changed, and to listen. Just be there for her. Let her know that she can tell you anything, that you empathize with her, and that you're ready to help.
Don't try to be overly optimistic or set impossible goals for her. She's going to have to deal with this at her own pace, so when she gets discouraged, and she probably will unless she's Mary Poppins, don't go overboard on trying to cheer her up - but don't be the voice of Doom and Gloom, either.
Allow her to feel sad, angry, etc., but also try to encourage her to keep a positive mindset and believe that she will get better. And if eventually she doesn't make as much progress as you all had hoped, help her to accept who she is now, rather than focusing on who she used to be.
So, you see, you really don't need a book for this. You just need to love her and to be sensitive to her feelings and needs. She has a hard row to hoe from here on out, and the best thing you can do is to just be there for her, even if/when she lashes out in anger or sinks to the depths of despair.
Just put yourself in her shoes. That's pretty much what empathy is all about. She probably doesn't want your pity. She just wants to retain as much of "herself" as possible. So just be with her as you always have, with increased sensitivity.
Good luck and I sincerely hope she continues to improve.
the most important thing is to remember that she is still that person you love so dearly.. she just doesn't walk anymore. i am asuming that she still has her mind. and that makes her who she was and still is. you didn't say if there is brain damage. just love her and asking her what to do is better then anything a book can tell you, blessings R.
"I Am Potential - 8 Lessons on Living, Loving, and Reaching your Dreams" by Patrick Henry Hughes.
Patrick was born without eyes and shorter arms and legs, and was never able to walk. He has spent his life blind and in a wheelchair and has an awesome family and a super positive attitude. No self-pity and he is a very productive person, went to college, has a girlfriend, plays the piano, sings, etc.
