Hello mamas. I have a friend "Amy" whom I've know nearly 30 years. I love her dearly, but we are very different. She is very into herself, her workouts, her hair, her vacations, etc. She has always insisted that she has no interest in being a mother. I say nothing because it's her life and I want her to be happy. I, on the other hand, chose the mommy route and was blessed with two amazing girls. Amy and I live on opposite sides of town and with our busy schedules, we don't get to see each other often. She's in her early 40s now and has been complaining of being bored for the last few years.
Amy called me about a month ago and said she had "big news." Uh oh. I'm afraid I know what it is. But she said she wanted to tell me in person. We made a plan to see each other so she could tell me her news "in person." Then she cancelled but wouldn't tell me her news. Insisted it HAD to be done "in person." We made another plan to get together Saturday night (I invited her to a nice dinner at my house), all the while she's dangling this "big news" in front of me but not telling me what it is. The week leading up to our dinner, I was horribly sick. I kept her up to date on my progress and was feeling well enough on Saturday to keep our dinner plan. I confirmed with her on Saturday morning. The house was a wreck, of course, as any mom who's been sick can attest. Although I was tired, I spent the whole day cleaning and prepping food. I left to run a quick errand and when I came home, found that she had left a message on my machine that she wasn't coming - ONE HOUR before she was due to arrive and despite the fact that we confirmed that morning!
I was not happy to have spent the whole day working when I could have been resting. I called her back, let her know how disappointed I was and asked her why she wasn't coming. Her answer, "Well, I'm really tired. I took a spinning class today. Plus your house is so freaking far away." Hmmm. Really? That's all you got for me? I pressed her to at least tell me this "big news" that I had waited so long to hear. She wouldn't give it up. I was kind (but short) to her but after I hung up I just simmered!
A couple days later I had cooled down enough to send her an email. I outlined how sad and hurt I was that I was not worth a 45 minute drive to her, when she was worth hours of hard work to me. The crux of the email, however, was how tired I was of this ridiculous game of "I've Got a Secret" that she was playing with me. I told her that if she had something she wanted to tell me, I'd be delighted to hear it, but that I was not going to be putting myself out to make plans with her again.
Two days later I got a lovely, heartfelt apology on my answering machine. Then on her message she said, "I'm going to tell you my news." But then STILL DIDN'T TELL ME! She ended the message saying that we would have to Skype so I could hear what her news is, again, "in person." OMG - for real?? Guess what? I'm freaking done! At this point, I don't CARE what her news is!
What do I do now, mamas? I've been trying to be the bigger person through all of this, but enough is enough. If she thinks being pregnant gives her license to run all over everyone, I have no desire to be part of her pregnancy. (if that's even her "big news"!)
Need constructive suggestions. Thanks for reading!
Thanks everyone so much for your advice. I sent Amy another email in response to her "apology" on my voicemail saying that I loved her and that I thought her news was pregnancy and that at this point there was no point waiting til she saw me because the surprise factor was long gone.
It took her a week but she finally just emailed me back. She said her big news was that she and her hubby were going to Europe this summer, then she railed on me about how I should know her better after all these years that she doesn't play games. Then she says she's just kidding, Europe isn't the big news, she's pregnant. You don't play games, huh? Alrighty then. God help that poor baby! Oy!!
Ugh, what a loon. I would do nothing - I wouldn't even bring up this big so called secret. Just let it go. I also wouldn't go out of my way to see her since she's cancelled twice already. If she asks to get together say, "Why - so you an cancel on me?"
I hope you feel better!
Yeah, I would totally drop it. I wouldn't ask her anymore and certainly wouldn't be the one to contact her to make anymore arrangements.
Oh geeze. When she finally does tell you, you should just be totally bland. "Oh. I figured. I had so long to think about it I totally narrowed down the possibilities so this is not surprising at all. Bummer, if you told me 2 weeks ago I think I would have been totally shocked. So, did I tell you about how I ran into XXXX the other day" (or whatever, change of subject).
I wouldn't throw out the entire friendship but at this point, just forget about the whole "big news" thing. Maybe there is none. Really. She sounds kinda kooky. It's okay I have kooky friends too. The more the merrier in the friendship department I say. Just ignore the weird stuff. Though I do think it's awesome you stood up to her and told her how it felt to be cancelled on for lame reasons!
Next time plan to meet at a public place that you would enjoy even if she didn't show up - like a coffee house. The worst that happens is that you get a little relaxing time to yourself. The game playing is about her and her issues. I'd distance myself a little cause it sounds like a whole lotta drama is coming!
I've had only a couple of friends who have done this and frankly, after a while, you just don't buy into it. At least I don't.
I have a long term friend who has called me crying and then said she needs to go because she can't talk about it.
She has e-mailed me that there is something she needs to tell me but she's not ready.
Literally, yesterday, I e-mailed her back and all I said was, "Okay".
I'm very supportive of my friends, but I can't guess what's going on and if she's not ready to tell me anything, I don't understand why she's saying anything in the first place.
We've known each other a very long time, but the drama is just too much for me.
I've come to realize that she seriously thrives on drama and I just can't be sucked in to it.
Not being able to say anything...that could mean anything from having an embarrassing boil on your butt to having to file bankruptcy. Or, breaking up with her boyfriend that sleeps with other women for the millionth time. It's not for me to guess.
She told me she can't tell me, so I said, "Okay".
If she can't tell me, there is a pretty good chance I don't want to know anyway.
That's where I'm at with it.
It may sound mean, but I'm sure as heck not going to beg her to tell me.
This is just my opinion.
Get over it! She's just a self-indulgent, immature, attention seeking person. Don't bother with her anymore and when or IF she does share her news, just say: "That's what we all thought, congratulations, by the did I tell you that chicken is on sale at >>>>>>>, I hate to cut you off, but I can't miss this sale".
Blessings...
everyone always says write the friend off. I'm still suprised every time. Sure she sounds like someone who you've drifted from or is annoying a bit at times, but who isn't annoying? You did say you live completely diferent lives. I'm sure part of the reason its fun to hang with her is to not be a mommy and be an adult and share in part of her fun life right? She probably doesn't understand how busy you are as a mom and finds other things annoying that she cant relate to, but thats not enough to write off a 30 year friednship. Change it and possibly not expect so much, maybe, but write off someone who has shared 30 years with you? I couldn't. I'd make plans and invite someone else if you have another mutual friend so if she bails you'll still have fun. If she bails again let her make the plans next time. If shes pregnant I'd be so excited she will change and be part of your world and understand you more. I don't see how her making plans two times and cancelling is running all over everyone...IDK I find myself regretting the friednships I've left drift away for silly reasons maybe thats why I'm so agnst only seeing the bad in people and writing everyone off
Well....if you ever do find out...let us know. But I wouldn't be in any big hurry to find out...nor would I make a big deal of it when I did. Inconsiderate!
Eh, I'm not sure this is worthy of just throwing in the towel. The sad thing about friendships is that people change and people take different paths in life. That said I wouldn't drop everything your doing to meet up with her to hear her "big news" but I wouldn't completely write her off either.
Friendships can evolve and friendships are not always easy. I went through a period when I thought I had no long term friends as my really good friends from high school were on different paths than me and I at one point felt they did not have time for me. Well time went on and and things have changed, but we still manage to get in a dinner every month or every couple months. The strange thing is its as if things have never changed when we are together we are fully capable of picking up where we left off...EVERY time.
So if you truly value your friendship you will let this go. However, that does not mean you need to work so hard. Next time plan to meet her at a restaurant so there is not huge work to be done on your side. This way if she cancels its not such a big deal.
People drift apart over the years. I would Skype with her, but I wouldn't be waiting on her or try to establish the meeting time anything. Listen to the big news, but not get wrapped up in the emotional rollercoaster of it. She bailed on you. If this is her usual behavior, I'd be done... but if she is usually a considerate friend, I would allow for her excitement or whatever to give her a little bit of hormonal drama.
Big news usually means... she's moving far away for some exiting job/man, she's adopting or pregnant, she's engaged, she's gay, she bough the house next door to you.... I mean really, what else is there? So, are you going to deal being a bridesmaid/throwing a baby shower/ helping her move or whatever considering how insincere she has been? Or will you allow yourself not to be caught up in timelines/deadlines of meetups and such and be there to lend and ear and be a supportive friend when needed? Obviously she feels very important to tell you in a more personal way than simply over the phone.
Also, she's been your friend for 30 years... don't worry about scrubbing the house clean and making a huge meal for her.
Oh, that's irritating! You're like "just tell me your news for crying out loud", ugh. I would just drop it. If she continues with the drama about needing to tell you in person and wants to Skype. Just say you wished you had time to Skype but you're on your way out the door...it's waited this long.
Sit back and wait for her to get in "touch" with you and she will share if she chooses.
Wow! She hooked you but good! Perhaps part of your simmer is about how you wished you hadn't got sucked in by her. Consider it a difficult lesson learned and let it go.
I'm now retired and finally realize that I don't have to clean house or even cook a great meal for friends. They come over and if I haven't felt like cooking we have pizza. I don't clean house for them, either. If they're good friends they will accept me as I am.
I would not call her or if she calls ask about her big news. I would not invite her over. I might, if she called, arrange to meet half way for lunch, coffee or a drink but only if you would do that anyway. As you said, she's playing a game with you and I'd not play.
I would totally ignore her. She sounds like a spoiled little kid.
First don't invite anyone to your house just after you have been that sick unless you can clorox down the counters. I went to a friends house for a party and one of their guests had brought some kind of lettuce wrap which I ate 2 of bc I thought they were kind of good. 2 days later I was so sick I thought death had found me and was knocking on my door. What I was not told was that the people who had brought the lettuce wraps had been so sick they went to the hospital a few days before the party but supposedly were feeling better. Well those germs hopped on the wraps and made not only myself but the others who ate them sick too.
I say that bc it's not something I would normally think about but after that experience I won't soon forget.
As for your friend my first thought was that she is going to try and get pregnant. But since she is so into herself and does not care for you or your feelings I would not make any extra effort to hear the news..not Skype or a coffee at a coffee house or anything. A true friend with good news will come see you..and your door is always open..with nothing extra special for dinner or desert or any other kind of effort attached.
Next time she starts up with what ever she wants to share/not share - tell her you already heard, and congratulations on the tummy tuck/boob job/butt lift, you're sure she looks great since it must be an improvement over her old look which she was getting so bored with.
When she says that's not it, just say "So sorry. Maybe you'll be able to afford it next year".
Just be deliberately obtuse as you can be.
Make a wild outrageous guess and congratulate her about it.
Either she'll finally blurt it out or she'll stop calling altogether.
Either way, it solves it for you.
I definitely think you should just let her make the plans next time and make sure they don't inconvenience you in any way. I also think you should email her and tell her that you think you know what her big news is. Tell her that you think she's going to announce that she's pregnant and if that's the big news, telling you in person won't be as dramatic now as it may have been 2 weeks ago when you moved around your entire life to accomodate her. So, if she really wants you to know the news, she might as well just email you because whatever the news is, she's hampered the expected response from you by pulling all this teeny bopper drama. Just say, "I think you're going to be disappointed in my reaction to your big news because this has been dragged on for so long, I'm a tad over it already. I think the big news is that you are pregnant and if so, I am over the moon happy for you, but at this point, telling me anything in person won't get the reaction I think you expect or desire - sorry."
Timing is everything! My sweet husband proposed in what should have been a very romantic and unique way, but his timing was so very, very bad that I was awful leading up to it (having no idea what was going on, he was basically asking me to do some extra cleaning late the night before a party after we got home from dinner - it was all very bizarre to me until the ring literally fell out of his surprise). We laugh about it now and have a good story to tell, but it really goes to show that timing is everything and this friend of yours has missed out on her time for it to be BIG NEWS.
p.s., please tell us what happens so we can also know this BIG NEWS;)
Move on. If she reaches out to you, you can decide at that time if its convenient to meet and if you have the energy for her.
You think her big news is pregnancy. She sounds pretty self-absorbed, so it could be, "I've decided to get a boob job." Whatever, she clearly likes the drama and likes reeling you in with her secret. The power is in not caring about the secret.
The nice thing about a 30 year friendship is you can see each other once a year and still appreciate each other. I suggest spending time cultivating other relationships.
Best of luck!
You are definitely allowed to be frustrated as you know that it was not very polite but it truly sounds like she loves your friendship and loves you. She is comfortable enough to be honest with you (now that does not make it right) and she really wants to see your excitement when she tells you. This is obviously big news to her and she wants to share this with you by seeing your expression not just hear it. To me, you sound like a very special person to her. Once again, this does not make her being self centered ok...it just means that she is who she is. She is 40 without kids. These women are less likely to go the extra mile while tired...they don't have kids. They have not yet learned to juggle or to run on fumes. I laugh when I think of how long it would take me to get out of bed or to get ready when it was only me...I seriously laugh and think all of the time how I would be late. Why??? Because I had only myself to care for..funny as it is, the busier we mommy's are, the more organized and respectful we are of others and theirs. Try not to let this sour your relationship. She was honest with you, be honest with her, in person as well. Just don't be bitter. It will only hurt you in the end...you seem like a lovely person....enjoy celebrating your good friend's news.
