Long Drawn Out Custody Battle for Step Daughter

How old is this child? If the grandparents are willing to take care of her and she is happy with them, why not share custody and take care of the child on summer vacation, etc.? Why rip her away from them when they are the ones who stepped up to the plate and helped out when help was needed?

Grandparents are not toys to be tossed away when you no longer "need them or want them".

Well...none of it sounds too good to me, except that it is unlikely that the central issue is anyone's opinion of you. It probably isn't about anyone's opinion of your husband, either. Any half-way decent attorney can force the transfer of custody now (if all the things you say about your husband are true), but you might want to think about this-

1. Her grandparents raised her mother, and that (apparently) did not work out well. They must feel bad about that.

2. They have had her since she was born. It would be extremely difficult to love a child and care for them as your own from birth and then have to give that child up. Particularly if you were focused on "making up" for the bad job you did raising the child's mother.

3. They are human, and humans make mistakes. It takes an exceptional person to put someone else's interests ahead of your own. Perhaps they are not exceptional people. Perhaps they are average, like most of us.

4. They probably fear they will lose her if you want to take her, but they KNOW they will lose her if you want to take her and she wants to go. The only "weapon" they have is giving her whatever she wants in the hopes that you won't make her do something she doesn't want to do. That is not in her best interest. Try to help them shut that down if you can.

Go through the courts if you feel she is in danger but remember that children are not property, they are human beings, and that these people were kind enough and loved her enough to open their home and their hearts to this child when no one else would or could, or at least, did. God bless them for that.

When she is older, she will come to her own conclusions and she will remember that her father and his wife were kind to her, loved her always, supported what was best for HER and always supported the people she has come to know and love as parents. She will either choose or not choose to accept your other children as siblings, no matter whether or not she lives with them on a daily basis. (Who wouldn't LOVE the opportunity to do that?) Don't force her to choose parents. Let her have a mom and a dad and you and the grandparents and help her understand that all of you love her and want her always. Families aren't just about who lives where, they are about who loves whom. Reach out to her grandparents with this attitude and you will probably find a very generous response from them. Somewhere in their hearts I'm sure they know the child's relationship with her father is very important and they want what is best for her, too.

Good luck, may God bless you and your family, included the inlaws, and may you find a way to work together to help this little one grow into a strong, wonderful person that all of you will enjoy loving for the rest of your lives. (You might even find a couple of friends yourself in the process and your other children might find some pretty nice surrogate grandparents.)

Hi R.,

How old is his daughter and how long has she lived with the grandparents and how far apart do you live? How old are the grandparents? What role do you want for them in her life? I think the answer to some of these questions may help you answer your question: is this doing more damage than good?

I am sure that this situation is tearing everyone apart. They have provided a stable, loving home for her for years and they are afraid for her to leave. Their world probably revolves around her and they would have a big hole if she were to leave. They probably promise her things to try to influence her to stay. They are probably concerned too because she has been an "only" child and would become part of a "yours, mine and ours" situation.

You said that she was with you for 30 days and had vacation time and family time and was sad to leave. Anyone would be sad to leave a warm, loving environment and the excitement of a vacation. We've had an exchange student who was sad to leave even though she was going back home.

You ask another question-why would grandparents want to keep a child from being with her father (see above) some of it could be selfishness and what they see as being best for the child. You ask if it is about you not being their daughter. What kind of relationship do you have with them? Do they know you as a person and as a mother, do they know your other children and the environment in your home? Some of these uncertainties might be adding to their unwillingness to give her up.

How about brainstorming some ways to make this more of a win-win situation.

Good luck.

It could be that your husband's ex-inlaws feel like they are getting back a piece of their own daughter with having custody of your step-daughter.

I don't have any experience with this, but can't your step-daughter decide who she wants to live with once she reaches a certain age. I thought I had heard it was 12.

Hope it all works out quickly.

The chances of a judge placing her with the in-laws over her father is slim. Make sure she knows you are doing this so she can be in a normal family environment and GO FOR IT.

this sounds very wrong, he is the parent and unless he has permanently terminated his legal rights than they can't keep her permanently. what does your lawyer say about this? if nothing, than you need to find another one.

The grandparents are probably worried that you will cut them out of her life. Have you tried offering them a visitation schedule. She has been living with them and it would not be right to just stop having her be there at all, she will resent you if you don't keep them in her life and they may be more willing if they know that they have a court ordered visitation so that they can be assured that they will have time with her.

Here's my experience...

Let her stay with the grandparents. I am not sure what the age of consent is in Texas, but if she wants to leave her g'parents house, take her to an atty herself...and let the atty speak to her...then let a judge talk to her.

Its what my ex husband did to take my daughter away from me. He convinced her that life would be fabulous and told her she'd get anything she wanted and took her to a judge...out of state...and told her (yes the judge was female) that she was unhappy and wanted to leave...VOILA...I no longer had custody of my daughter.

Now that the glitter has fallen off the tiara at her house, she realizes that life was better at our house...and we see her when we can get around her schedule...and I can afford to fly her in.

What I'm gettin at is location doesn't negate your love for her or you ability to be active parents in her life. Do the right thing. Love her...be there for her no matter where she sleeps at night.

I don't think it's a matter of the in laws not wanting him to have her...I think it's a matter of them loving her too much to let her go...

and how can you fault them for that?

Good luck to you.

Right now emotions are running high. We went through a very long drawn out custody battle but it was the right thing to do. Your husband is her father and he has the right to "be" her father. The grandparents are mostly worried about losing their "grandbaby". If a compromise could be reached to allow them time or visitation that would be great...but if not then it's mostly important that she be in her family with her dad. Temporary guardianship is just that...temporary. Reminding the daughter that she is loved and that everyone loves her so much that they all want her will help keep things in perspective for her...but keep things as normal and routine as possible, overall that is what she will need most.

R., this sounds tough. I don't know how old your step daughter is, but depending on the age, they really shouldn't be asked to choose. I had a similar situation happen with my husband and myself. My husbands ex wife had gotten into some bad stuff psychologically and had turned out be diagnosed bipolar. My step son is 7 now, but was 5 and had just started kindergarten when all of this had happened. He was being left at school and forgotten to be picked up, not being taken care of at all. He ended up going to his aunt's house (her sister) to be home schooled and live with her. In the meantime, she wasn't doing a good job either and quite frankly, my husband and I were more than capable of taking care of him and she would not have it. We got a lot of resistance from her side of the family. We found a great attorney who ended up getting us full custody (many other things happened I won't bore you with)and the family then realized this was the best thing. My step son is healthy and happy and thriving in school. He now has a baby sister that he adores. It is hard, but it is worth all of it because I fully believe a child needs to be with a parent if at all possible.
Good luck to you, I wish you strength to get through it all - it is exhausting!!!

The obvious answer is they have grown very close to her and have parented her for over a year. They probably feel they are OWED parental rights, although I would disagree. The next obvious answer is you and the father are not their daughter. They want the daughter to be the child's parent and to do it right, but hoping and praying doesn't make it so. In my opinion, your husband needs to get prepared to spend some bucks and get a good family law attorney. That is his daughter and he needs to fight tooth and nail to get her back. I don't know whatever possessed him to give her to the grandparents to begin with, because history tells us two parties do NOT stay friendly when custody is involved. If you guys truly believe you are the best fit for her, get her back. But, YOU need to realize that parenting is NOT the hardest job in the world....STEP-parenting is.

If you are in Tarrant or Parker Counties, I would call Constance Langston in Fort Worth, off of Hulen. She is a terrific Family Law board certified attorney. Please tell her B. P. of Organization Unlimited, sent you.

Also, a cheaper route might be to see how Texas Fathers Rights can help you. http://www.fathers-rights.com/

Good Luck! B.

This is just a guess, but maybe they're afraid they'll lose contact with their granddaughter if she leaves, and they're hanging on to her as long as possible given they already "lost" their daughter to alcoholism. Has your husband asked them why they are fighting it?

Dear R.,

I am sorry for your predicament. However you have to think of what is best for this child. She needs one home and not 2. This battle is tearing her apart. Why did your husband not keep her from the start in the place where he was living. you see, the inlaws have lost one daughter to drinking. they are probably holding on to the only link they have left to her. They will argue that they are not a boarding house where you can drop of the child when you do not feel like parenting and then come back later. I think that you should try talking to the inlaws and making them understand that you are not trying to take the child away from them and that you just want to be a part of her life. Negotiate for they have done you a huge service.
goodluck

I would imagine that maybe one or two things are going on with them. They probably feel like they are entitled to custody now since they've had as long as they have. Also, they may be acting out of fear. You aren't their daughter. They may be worried that y'all will cut them out of her life if your husband has primary custody.

I'm a family law attorney. This is what I do. I see normal, wonderful people every day put their children and grandchildren through hell. It's heartbreaking. There are things you can do to help y'all understand what is best for her: get her in counseling, talk with the grandparents to try and figure out their motivation so y'all can address it, have her talk to the judge (depending on her age) and she can express what she wants, go to mediation to see if there's a middle ground. Talk to your lawyer about options. Don't be afraid to be creative.

The Texas Family Code gives preference to parents over grandparents. It's not an automatic in every case, but the presumption is there. Good luck!

I am a grandparent and my daughter and granddaughter live with me. They will be moving in a few weeks and I will be so sad when they leave but it is time for them to have their own life. So from my perspective I think they love her as if she was a daughter and they are probably terrified that if she lives with you and her dad that they will no longer be a part of her life. After all, they are not his parents or yours. Can you include the grandparents in your lives as if they were family also?

On the other hand it is not right for them to promise her "paradise" to live there. Buying someones love or time is not a good thing for anyone involved.

I think this is a situation that needs to be handled very carefully and with her best interests in mind. Maybe you need mediation on this.

Good Luck and I will pray for your family.
K.

I can only speak on behalf of a grandparent, not necessarily in the exact same situation, but from my heart. My son recently got divorced and moved to the Denton area. My husband and I had a great relationship with our grandchildren and a so-so one with the daughter in law. Suddenly we were "unfit" to watch our grandchildren, and were in the middle of a pawn game between the parents. All we wanted was to see our grandchildren, not take sides with either of their parents. (I must say that BOTH parents had problems and it was BOTH of their faults that they divorced) We were run thru a wringer of emotions over getting to see them. If the ex in-laws feel like they won't get to see the child, or that they will suddenly be excluded from the "new" family, or that holiday time will be cut off, or that your parents will take their place as the "grandparents", I can only imagine that they would not like to give up their grandchild. I have no idea if they are just evil and don't care about what is best for the child, or just scared and hurting, and not wanting to lose contact with her. Maybe the two families could work out some visitation guarantees that would let them know that they would have some "rights" to see her as well. It is just a hard situation all the way around.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing!!! We have been through a similar ordeal. She needs to be with her father, you, and her siblings. It seems that when a child gets the world for nothing as a young person-they expect the same thing from the real world when they become adults and as we know, it does not work that way and the results can be very sad for everyone involved. I'm sure the judge will give custody to the father, the battle may get nasty so try not to take the ugly little details personally. =)

I am not sure how old this daughter is but if she was allowed to spend 30 days with you then I would call that a blessing. Later one she will decide on her own and that age gets smaller and smaller. The expense of attorney's and court is not worth the effort. I would keep loving her and I do not kid do not like to get it all. When my granddaughter came to live with me, her first discipline was restriction and she later told me that she knew why because I love her. So they get smart. They sort it out not always the same way we see it. Grandparents love her and now are probably raising her the way they did their daughter. But dad trusted them to give her to them. My brothers girlfriend gave up her daughter in court then wanted her back but the court saw through her. He got to keep her. He really did not parent her well worked hard all his life but did not know how to raise a daugther. She left to live with her druggy mom and saw that hard life got into some trouble and spent a yr in counseling and a place. After grew up is a wonderful mom works hard been with a man for over 10 yrs. So I really think God knows who they are before they are ever born. God Bless G. W

There are so many things I want to write, but not knowing EVERYTHING going on I am hesitant to write.

I understand you guys wanting her back, you are in a time in your lives where you can support her and the family. However, look at her grandparents that have had her a really long time...who HAVE been her parents and been in the parent role for a very long time. That bond is very strong. That girl is a piece of their own daughter who seems to be lost. Why wouldn't they want to hold on to that. It's heartbreak for your step-daughter no matter how you look at it.

Perhaps a family counselor needs to be contacted to be a mediator and perhaps work with her to see who she would truely want to be with without the influence of her grandparents standing over her during the sessions. Let the decision be hers as hard as that would be for you guys.

I see both sides and I am truely sorry this young girl has to be put in the middle of this.

I think that in Texas, when a child turns 12 they can make the decision as to who their guardian is and where they will live. You may want to consult an attorney or maybe you can do some research on the internet regarding family law in Texas. good luck

I can see points in favor of both sides. I'm glad I don't have to make this decision!!

Speaking as a stepmother and a stepchild myself, I have two more points to add to everyone else's comments:

(1) Don't make the child decide.

It is my opinion that a child should NOT be placed in the position of being the one to decide where she should live. This is an extremely difficult decision that a child must make without the benefit of life experience and a broad view beyond what she can comprehend about the present time and promises. No matter what she decides, she will hurt people who love her and are vital in her life. She knows this, and it must be gut wrenching. It's a no win situation for her. Don't make her do that.

(2) Being a blended family is not like the Brady Bunch.

It's fun in the beginning--especially during a 30-day temporary visit that includes a vacation. The fun starts to wear thin as territory is infringed upon, including physical space, distribution of chores, attention from parents, being expected to attend siblings' (boring) events, etc.

My stepson was an only child, and the adjustment has been tough. It's do-able, but not as rosy as anyone expects it to be. We had fun together as two families before my husband and I married, including three vacations (parents stayed in separate beds or rooms), and everything seemed to blend smoothly. After a couple of months of being married and living together, we were no longer "playing house" and skirmishes began. As children grow and mature, ALL siblings have to work out these territorial aspects, but with blended families, it's even harder.

You may not believe me, because "your family is different" and "we're being careful to handle everything the 'right way'". We thought the same thing.

My point is, it will not be as pleasant as any of you are envisioning. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to bring her into your home permanently. Just expect it to be about 300% harder than you expect.

They've probably grown very close to her and just don't want to let go. It's probably more a matter of them wanting to KEEP her, rather than NOT wanting to let her be with her dad. I don't see how old the daughter is, but be very careful about asking what she wants or allowing her to choose. Young kids often can't see the big picture and they make choices based on the wrong details. Maybe a court-appointed guardian would be helpful in determining (objectively) what's best at this point .... What a tough situation!