Lonely at Home and Husband Hasn't Changed. What to Do...

I am in a similar situation as you...my husband travels for work a few days a week and when he doesn't sometimes isn't home until dinner time. We moved to IL from MN for his job 3 years ago. I have a 3 year old and one on the way but we don't have any family in the area so I hear ya on feeling lonely! I have expressed my concerns to my husband like you have and we have discussed going to counseling...is that an option for you?

I've definitely been there. I have twins who just turned 4 and an 8 yr old. For about 4-5 years, my husband was completely "checked out" when it came to our home life & marriage. What I learned ultimately, and what I wish I knew earlier is that you can't wait around on someone else to change. You've got your whole day in front of you and you get to control it...what you do, when you do it, how you do it. That's all you've got to work with. I don't know how old your kids are, but when I was stuck in with a 4 year old and 6 month old twins, I had NO help from friends or family. I was definitely depressed. I made a commitment to myself just to get up & get out. It was hard. Whether it was walking around town or taking them all to a store, I did it, just so I felt capable, accomplished, and happy with myself. I treated myself in little ways and didn't put extra pressure on myself to do this or do that. I had no business to be leisurely, as my life was pretty much dictated by the hungry twins I was nursing around the clock and the 4 year old I was trying not to neglect. I did start finding little things to be happy about, though. I quit asking my husband to step it up. I wanted him to change, but I gave up thinking he would for me because only I could change for me and I had hope he'd change for himself. Every day I got at least 30 minutes of exercise. When the kids napped, I worked out for myself, even if it involved chasing my 4 year old in the backyard and doing sommersaults with her. We danced. We played. We got silly. I didn't rely on her for companionship, but she sure did make things happier. I paid attention to how present SHE was and I started to be more present in my own life. There must've been a change in me, or simply just that my depression was lifting, because my husband found me generally nicer to be around. I realize now it was because I was happy with myself and our kids and I didn't complain to him about anything. I left him alone to figure out his own stuff. And he did. He started coming home - still late from work - with dinner for just him & me, or dessert. He started doing more around the house. Sometimes I think he must've wondered if I was having an affair or something when I "happied up" like that. Now I know that misery loves company. He was going to have long days & be tired, but I was no treat to come home to. I didn't happy up for him. I did it for myself and my 3 kids. It was VERY hard to take those first steps. I felt like I might rather die than go into the grocery store with 2 shopping carts (one just to hold the babies in their carriers) for just bread, milk, and lunch meat. But I did it. And even those little trips became fun for me. People would say things like, "Wow, I don't know how you do it with those little kids!" It was comments like that that reminded me I was doing things that not everyone did and I took them personally...personally in a great, esteem-boosting way. It gave me energy. My husband, over a couple of years' time, arranged his days better so that he wasn't the ONLY person at work who did everything. I actually heard him say things on the phone like, "I'm sorry, I can't handle that for you because I've got personal obligations today." I accept that he will be gone from our home, and from our lives, for long hours and sometimes even days at a time when he's traveling, but I can control my day, my reactions, and many things on my end when I'm not just sitting around waiting on change. Be your own change. It is very, very hard, though. I still remind myself constantly that I get to be responsible for me. If you can't get out of your rut, see your doctor. For me, exercise and eating well help me manage my depression. Many people use medication, and there is no harm or taboo in taking care of yourself by any means when you are depressed. If you were a diabetic, you'd take care of yourself to stay healthy and live. If you are suffering from depression, you should see it no differently.

My husband used to work 72 hours when we had our first child and I was a stay at home mom at that point. I understand how you feel. He also needs a break, my husband honestly hated his job and our marriage never would have survived if he would have stayed.

My true advice is that you need to find a play group or friends with kids the same age as yours and have a mom's day where you can leave them and have time for yourself and not be at the house. And the other suggestion is to have other adults to talk to, that really helped me out during the times that Randy was working so much because I could not talk to him.

GOD BLESS
B.
www.StayHomeForKids.com

You need counseling. Both on your own and with him. He's over-worked and stressed, but that's no excuse for ignoring you when he is home.

"He also tells me the house is dark because I am depressed. "

Does this mean "dark" like the lights are out, or "dark" like sad and unhappy?

It matters...if it is the first, then turn on the lights and get help for your depression.
If it is the second, then my gut tells me that your husband cares--he knows you are unhappy, that his whole home is unhappy, and he feels it too. This is a good sign. He told you he is stressed, and he isn't having any more fun than you are!
This is not a marital problem, this is a practical/financial problem--you both want to make things better, and you can work together as a team to figure out a solution. You spend the majority of your time alone and lonely, he spends it feeling stressed and unhappy, and has nothing to give by the time he gets home. I really think he is trying to communicate that it isn't you, he isn't trying to avoid you, he just needs down time to recharge, and there are not enough hours left in the day for both downtime and family time because he works so much. He isn't blaming you, or deliberately avoiding you...he is trying to stay afloat, mentally. Restaurants workers are barraged with constant demands...he's probably so empty when he gets home.
Can he cut back hours? Can he look for a restaurant job that has a better schedule? Can he run a different kind of business?
Can you work part time? Can you find a smaller or less expensive home?
Maybe a cheaper area to live in?
Look for a financial solution that will fix the emotional strain on both of you.
Ask friends and family members for support and ideas to help you reorganize your lives to find a lifestyle that will work for your family.

Restaurant work is about as hard as it gets.....I would give him some slack. I would try talking to him about finding another job or going back to school. My dad ran restaurants his whole life......it is totally draining.

I feel for you, I really do it sounds to me like your marriage needs help and soon. I recommend
Matt Townsend I went to a marriage seminar by him and was very impressed. Matt gives a free consultation, it's worth a try.
http://starvedmarriagehelp.com/

There are many other programs and books out there that could help. My dad would also recommend a book for the man called "Good Husband, Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband...in the Man You Married
~ Robert Mark Alter, Jane Alter (Contributor)
You can read this together.
There is also Doctor Laura has some books that could be helpful.
I wish you well. There is another thing called Fire Proof your marriage I have a friend who is trying that she says it is really good.
God Bless you and your famliy

To me, it sounds as if he is the one who's also depressed.

Your message says he's stressed, and I have a feeling he doesn't feel like he has much of a break when he's at home - not that it's excusable.

Restaurant management is a tough job. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. But, I'd also not recommend giving-up just yet. I'd try to see if you can help him reduce the stress (which will likely reduce both of yours).

Do you think he'd be agreeable to seeing a therapist? Would you? It's hard to admit you're lonely and depressed, and I commend you for being able to do that. Perhaps being able to get involved in some other activities with your daughters would also help you fill the void missing with your husband.

Good luck!

Sounds like you need some other people to socialize with throughout the day. Look into a Mommy and baby group to get you all out and doing stuff. That saved me. Just having that time away from the house hanging out with other women who are in the same situation as you can help. Once we all started talking and sharing our lives, I realized that my problem is not one of a kind...many others go through the same thing. It was nice to know that I was not the only one who felt like that. I used the website www.meetup.com to find my group of ladies to hang out with.

How many days per week does he work these 11.5 hour days? Is he home on Sat & Sundays? Do you do family activities then?
Although my hubby has a shorter work schedule - he averages about 9-10 hours per day, he often works Saturdays and travels from time to time as well.
I'm trying to read-and reread your question to see what the problem is...seems like he is working hard and working a lot of hours. By default, you have childcare and household duties.
If that is the main issue (how can he be "home" more for you), can he switch careers? Decrease his hours even if it means less money, change jobs? If not, what else do you expect him to do?

Have you ever thought of trying to help at the restaurant? If you can't beat them join 'em. Maybe if you can help take some of the pressure of him then you can spend more time together.

First of all, if you love him and he loves you, work it out.

2ndly begin to first look for others to meet your needs and begin to love yourself. ( no I am not recommending a boy friend!) I am recommending that you find a way to connect with other moms and build yourself a support system. Do one nice thing for yourself every day.

If you are depressed it is also important that you get out doors and walk every day even if it's just a half an hour. Then think through what nice things you would do if you were single for yourself. Begin doing those things for yourself instead of expecting him to pamper and care for you. Men don't do well with needy, especially if they are already stretched to their limit. When he sees you caring for your own needs and having your own life he will be excited and will want to do more with you. Right now doing these things for you is just one more thing on his to do list.

Also start doing for him the things you maybe wish he were doing for you. Or, more importantly perhaps different things since his needs may be different. How can you lighten his load and help him recharge his batteries. How can you put more fun into both of your lives? How can you brighten your home and yourself? Start small, maybe playing beautiful music each day while you are home....( make your own station on Pandora.com)

Get yourself a beautiful journal and each day write in it about what you were blessed with for the day, it will be amazing and will change your energy when you begin to notice what you did not before. Every day go out of your way to notice something you appreciate about him and thank him for it. Right now he is feeling like all he does is work hard to take care of you all and that more demands are being put on him, but what he is doing is not appreciated. It is amazing how much more people are able and willing to give when what they are doing is recognized.

Instead of telling him he is not paying enough attention to you, notice and praise every bit of attention he does give and every thing he does do, won't fix things right away, but will help. You will feel better too since you will be focused on the positive, and you get more of what you focus on.

Do all you can to help yourself not feel depressed, work on that first, then focus on what YOU can do to improve your relationship.

Also does he like his work or hate it? That makes a huge difference. I have been married for 24 years and much of that time my husband hated his job. That has a huge impact on our lives for sure. He will have to work that out for himself, but sounds like that is having an impact since it is draining his energy.

I will tell you that the more I have taken care of myself, the more my husband has been willing to do for me emotionally. The more I have had friends I could rely on as well the more he has been there since he did not feel he had to carry the whole load.

I also will tell you when my husband took a job that he actually liked, even though he is now often gone months at a time, the happier we all are, because when he IS home he is mostly happy and more able to give of himself since his cup is more full as well.

I would recommend 2 books, one is called How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together. I would also recommend the book The 5 Languages of Love ( I think that is the title)

I don't have an answer to your problem but I do understand where you are coming from. My fiance is the one who works while I stay at home and raise our children. He goes to work by 6 in the morning and comes home after 5, after that he goes out fishing or something else he wants to do until 7 or 8 we eat and he goes to bed. The only time we spend together is if it is raining out otherwise I am as well completely alone with two young children. I tell him that I am lonely and his answer is I need friends, but I do not have time for them. You have to do what is RIGHT for you... the only way to be happy is if your happy with yourself... follow your heart...

Go and see a Dr. about being depressed.

In the house, open the curtains it will make you feel better to
see the daylight.
Being outside gives us vit. D and that is really good for us.

You asked for any suggestions - here is what I think you should do.
One day (soon) I would get a sitter for the kids, get all dolled up and show up at his work at lunch time. Call him from the parking lot and tell him that
you are in the parking lot and that you would like
to see him, when he comes out walk up to him and kiss him with lots
of passion.

Don't talk about the kids, housework, bills. Be sexy
Tell him you you are taking him to lunch and that you will not take no for an answer. You drive him and get a hotel room and spend some time with him.
Give him a lunch break he will never forget.
Drive him back to work..

Do not let him drive, you be the boss.

If he asks you what this is all about then tell him that you need his attn. and your going to get it.

Smile - be sexy and wild.

Trust me, he will think of this for a long time. He will never forget.
Sometimes we get caught up in our everyday lives and we forget to relax and smile and play.

You asked what you could do, this is just an idea.
= )

I know that everyone gets tired and stressed out but we need to try harder to keep the fire alive.

I wish you the best.