ETA: I'm leaving the original question intact because the answers are so good and compassionate and might be helpful to someone else someday. My dog died naturally today - details in SWH
ORIGINAL: So the time has come to say good-bye to our family dog. After 11+ good years, she's in the final stages of renal failure and not eating, drinking, and can't really get around. We have an appointment to have her checked and most likely put to sleep on Wednesday evening.
My kids at home are 12 & 13. They obviously know what's going on as they've seen her decline over the past few weeks. My 12 year old was so upset last Monday (a week ago) that when I was driving him to hockey practice, he had the saddest mess of a blubbering meltdown in the car and cried for so long in the parking lot that we abandoned the idea of practice and went home. My 13 year old has asked us to not talk about things like where we should spread her ashes in front of him because it's too upsetting and he doesn't want to think about it yet. They both stated that they didn't want to have the procedure done at home and that they don't want to go with me when it's done, which is all totally understandable (but I wanted to give them all options).
My question at this time is whether or not to let them know for sure that Wednesday night is the night. I don't want them to go to school and be thinking about it all day, and one of them has a mandatory band performance after school and won't be back until 30 minutes before the appointment. I want them to have time to say good-bye but not spend a day fretting about it.
I'm thinking that I should just let them know that based on how she is feeling, she will likely die this week and that we should make her last days special (I'm thinking of driving/carrying her to visit her favorite spots and getting outside for a bit) and expect that she might die any day now. Then after the band performance on Wednesday let them know that we're going in to see the vet (we being me and their dad) and that the vet will most likely agree that it's time to put her to sleep so say a final good-bye and out we'll go (which is true, they have to do another exam first - I suppose there's a tiny chance they could say no but I doubt it as they've been caring for her all along and know how sick she is).
Thoughts? Would you let them know sooner? Is a few minutes before the final appointment enough time to say good-bye when she's obviously terminally ill and we've been talking about it?
If you've been through this, is there anything you did after that helped ease the pain for your kids (and you)? Any do's/dont's to share?
Thanks
Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful and helpful responses. I will return to them as we deal with the grief process. A little while after I asked this, I was alerted that my kids came home from school to find that our dog had passed away naturally. I'm heartbroken that she died alone and that my poor boys had to be the ones to find her. That said, she did get to pass at home (hopefully without much pain or fear) and my wonderful neighbors were home. The boys went to their house and hung out with their kids while waiting for us. The mom came to my house and cleaned up some fluids and her husband wrapped her up in towels. Their dad and I were both able to leave work early and he got here first to take the boys to his house and spend time with them and I took the dog to the animal hospital. The hospital was as sweet and compassionate as can be and handled this situation with amazing delicacy and grace, giving me privacy to spend time with her and say good-bye. We'll get her ashes back sometime this week and will probably wait until the weather warms up and the older kids are home to spread them. Thanks again for your thoughtful responses...I read them while I was waiting at the hospital and they brought me great comfort.
I have been through it and it's heartbreaking! I think the few minutes before you go to the vet is perfect. Wishing you all the best in their very difficult time!
ETA: Just read your update. Sometimes animals just know. Maybe she spared you all the decision-making, although I'm sure you wish the boys hadn't had to be the ones to discover this. My vet's dog roamed off in the woods behind the house and died there; my neighbor's dog tried to do it but too many intervened for all the right reasons but I wonder if the dog made it's own decision. Kudos to your boys for going to the neighbors, and kudos to the neighbors for handling the immediate tasks. What a wonderful lesson to the boys about compassion and community. Waiting for the older kids is a good decision, and it gives everyone time to figure out how they best want to mourn.
Original response:
Oh, what a shame. Sounds like you are considering all possibilities, and as usual, you are taking care of everyone else. Who's taking care of you? I'm glad that their dad, with all his faults, is helping you with this task. That's probably good for the kids to see.
In our vet's office, there's a battery-operated "candle" with a sign that says something like, "If this candle is lit, it means someone is saying goodbye to their pet. Please be respectful and keep conversation and noise to a minimum."
I think visiting her favorite spots is a nice idea, if the kids will go. It might give them ideas of places to spread the ashes, should they decide later that it's something they want to do and participate in.
I think you're wise to just say that there is an appointment at which the vet will once again assess the dog's condition and (important) pain level. Our vets have talked about "helping the dog die" or "helping the dog through death without pain." Sometimes that's easier than "putting to sleep" which sort of minimizes the death part and also puts all of the responsibility for "the deed" on the parent. Your kids are at the age when they feel they should be more grown up, but at moments like this, they really don't want to be so grown up. Can't blame them.
Our dog died at home, although we had discussed at length with the vet what our options were. Had she suffered much longer, we would have taken her in. She just took her last breath in our arms but I had already said to her, "You're ready, aren't you?" I think they know. After that, we had to call our son at college and tell him. But he knew at his visit home the month before and he spent some time just quietly hugging her, saying nothing.
A few things we did that helped: We cut a lock of her hair. We buried her out back in our woods, and after some time, we bought one of those garden stepping stone kits at the craft store. We made a little grave marker with a cement base (they provide a mold) and we bought the letter stamps to put her name and our names and her dates of birth/death in the wet cement. We also bought one of those packs of glass fragments (like sea glass) and did a design in the blank areas of the cement. Ours was free form but you could do something more concrete like a flower. You could also press her license and name tag into it if the tags are metal. Not sure if plastic would hold up in the elements. We used this as a grave marker but our neighbors did the same thing and just put it in the garden. They buried some of the dog’s toys underneath. You could do this with ashes, and you don’t have to decide now. For our son, it helped that we waited until he got home from college and until he’d had some time to process the death and just be in the house again without her in it.
After some time, we packed up her stuff (what was in the best condition) and donated it to the local humane society. It was painful but cathartic, and better than looking at all the unused stuff (leash, bowl, etc.). The staff was truly wonderful to us on the phone when I got a list of what they’d take and what they couldn’t, and they let me cry in the lobby before I drove home. I kept a few things such as her collar. Almost 2 years later, we went back to them to adopt a new dog. I don’t know if you plan to get another dog, but I do suggest you not do it right away – it’s just not going to replace the dog and the kids have to learn that by experiencing the pain.
A lot of people like reading “The Rainbow Bridge” – you could look at it on line and decide if you think it would help your kids.
Just being gentle with them for the first few weeks is important. It takes time to realize you don’t have to get dressed first thing to take her out, and you’ll find you call out to the kids, “Did you feed the dog yet?” and that sort of thing. Sometimes the tears come then, and not so much on the “day of.” And sometimes there’s a kind of relief and not having to do certain tasks – and that’s okay too.
And that “being gentle” thing goes for you too. FWIW our dog died 7 years ago and I’m still blubbering as I write this to you.
Your kids are already thinking about it even if they are trying to avoid it.
I would talk to their guidance counselor(s) and teacher(s) about it so they know your kids are going through a grieving process.
If you can I'd reschedule the final appointment for Friday so your kids can make their goodbyes and have the weekend to adjust somewhat before school on Monday.
The visiting of favorite spots - I don't know how much your dog will enjoy that - I think it's more for you.
If she's in a lot of pain then think of her last days as a kind of hospice and you just try to make her as comfortable as possible.
Death is a part of life - and it's so hard when a pet dies - it really is like losing a member of the family and it's tough on everyone.
It's difficult to manage and I'd want to be there for them but I wouldn't try to over shelter them from the experience either.
Eventually (and there's no set timetable for this) everyone will adjust to the loss and be able to remember the good times without crying.
When they and you are ready you can think/talk about getting a new pet.
Additional:
Condolences on your loss of your fur family member.
JB - just reading this now, and wanted to say so sorry to hear about your family's pet and sorry for your loss. It's always such a hard time.
Just wanted to let you know thinking of you.
Updated
JB - just reading this now, and wanted to say so sorry to hear about your family's pet and sorry for your loss. It's always such a hard time.
Just wanted to let you know thinking of you.
Updated
JB - just reading this now, and wanted to say so sorry to hear about your family's pet and sorry for your loss. It's always such a hard time.
Just wanted to let you know thinking of you.
I'm so sorry about your dog. Hugs, JB...
This is so sad, even when it's for-sure the right thing to do. I think your plan is perfect as-is. Make the week special, and give them a few minutes to say goodbye right before the appointment.
On Wednesday night, talk to them about Thursday. They might need the day at home or they might want to go to school - I know when this happened when I was a teen, I missed a half day of school to say goodbye before my mom took him in, and every time someone asked me why I was absent in the morning, I would start to cry when I had to tell them that I was home because my dog died. It was so hard. It would have been far easier to go to school and fake it all day than it was to have to tell people about my beloved dog again and again.
We brought the ashes home in a wooden box, and kept them for several years. After a few years, we all agreed on his favorite spot, and then we buried him. But we didn't try to decide immediately, we waited until we could talk about it without being as emotional.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry. Losing a loved pet is a big deal.
We are so close to our pets and me especially after my husband died.
Thinking of you and hoping you have peace with your children and know your fur baby loved you.
I'm sorry your beloved dog is at the end of her years. My dd's faithful companion of more than 10 years was at the same point, 3 years ago now. We knew we had to let her go quietly and peacefully, rather than continue to suffer.
I think your kids are old enough to be prepared, to know in advance. In my opinion, that's more fair to them. Letting them know that Wednesday is the day shows a certain respect for their love for the dog, their awareness of the dog's declining state.
On our dog's last day, we took photos of her in special places. Yes, my dd cried for days. It was tough. At the vet's, my dd held her dog while the vet administered the meds. It was very quiet and peaceful. The vet carefully explained what would happen, any little sound the dog might make (which she didn't make, she simply closed her eyes). And the vet took time to talk to my dd. The vet was comforting and amazing. They gave dd the dog's collar, and also made a plaster cast of the dog's paw. We were given a bag with some wonderful literature (poems, how to cope with the grieving process, etc). Prior to the process we were allowed to choose the level of "extras" that we wanted, like the plaster cast of the paw, etc.
One thing that was really helpful was the vet's office staff. Before the final process began, after the final exam to confirm that death was imminent, I was taken to the front desk and paid for everything. They explained that paying up front would mean we wouldn't be standing in line, crying our eyes out, waiting to pay with other customers who were buying vitamins, paying for their dog's grooming, etc. So after the dog passed, we were allowed to leave by a back door, bypassing other dogs and customers.
We did not spread her ashes. The vet placed them in a small bag in a lovely little box (it cost extra but that's ok). Still have them, but now, they're not front and center. Dd has allowed the box to be in a special place in a drawer of keepsakes.
So, I guess my advice might be to let your kids hear the news from the vet. That way it's less "mom's choice" and it's a professional decision. They could be present during the exam, but not at the time of death if that's more comfortable for them.
Let the kids know that this isn't a choice. It's a medical necessity. It's painless to the dog (they give the dog some kind of sedative right before so there's no pain or discomfort), but letting the dog continue to live would be very painful for the dog.
And try not to use words like "how she's feeling". Be more concrete. Things like "her kidneys are shutting down". And let them know that the exam will take place on Wednesday night, and the vet will make a professional decision based upon blood tests, and a clinical exam, not just on subjective opinions.
And pay beforehand so you don't have to settle the bill while crying.
And don't scatter ashes right away. To my dd, that felt like giving away the last memory of her dog. She's still not ready to part with them. That's ok.
Again, I'm sorry that your sweet dog will soon pass. My sympathies to you and your children.
Ugh - my heart goes out to all of you. I'm not sure why the vet has to "check" first to determine whether it is time. I believe that is a personal pet owner decision - not the decision of the vet. I think rather than saying that "the vet is going to examine first" almost makes it sound like there is still some chance it isn't "time," when it clearly is time. I mean, what if the vet DID say no? Then what? I think I would speak to the vet's office this week that the plan is to say goodbye on Wednesday.
Telling them right before is definitely enough time. Honestly, if they have said their goodbyes, maybe just going ahead and doing it is enough. However, that is only a decision you can make. I didn't tell the kids until after with our last one - they knew it was coming, but didn't know which day (I didn't know which day, until that day came). This was based on a prior experience putting a family animal down and kind of trying to involve the kids that ended up not going well at all.
I don't have much else in the way of suggestions other than:
1. Don't let the vet dictate when it is "time" - that is your call to make
2. We actually got our Lucy a year ago because we know that our 11 yr old Venna will be leaving us soon. From experience, having a younger dog already in the home when the older dog leaves seems to be a real blessing (I know it is too late for that, but something maybe to think about). Our roughest "going to sleep" was coming home to a petless house after.
3. It takes time and everyone grieves in their own way. Sometimes NOT talking about it for awhile is better than forcing the issue for some kids (not that you are, just noticed it with my teens when we did this).
I'm sorry and best wishes on a peaceful last few days for your family.
I'm so sorry. I have had to put many dogs and cats down over the years. The last was done by a vet who came to our house. It was still sad, but much more relaxed for our dog. At home on a soft blanket. No anxiety or fear on his part. Would never do it at the vet agsin.
it's such a hard time. i'm so sorry, dear one.
i'm still learning about this despite my increasing age, all the times i've done it, and that my kids are grown. when my boys' last 'puppy', the one who took them through their teenage years and stayed home with us when the boys moved out, was ready to go last july i planned to present it to them as a fait accompli. we'd known for at least a year that it was coming, and the boys had had plenty of time to come home and love all over him. i figured they didn't need to interrupt their busy lives to come out immediately beforehand.
wrong. my younger's fiancee (a vet tech with whom i'd discussed practical details) was very firm that my son needed to be told. he was SO grateful that he got to come out and spend a whole last day with his puppy. my older also made a point to rush out and say his LAST last goodbyes. they both got great pics from it that they will always love.
so far it's just been my husband and/or me at the final moment. either their preference or logistics has prevented the boys from being there for it.
if your kids had chosen to be there (i see from your SWH that it was a moot point) i think it's important to be aware that it's not always sweet and peaceful. for our previous dog it was- he lay quietly in my husband's arms while the drugs were administered. we were lucky enough to get my horse vet to agree to come take care of old tramp, and she was very gentle and considerate of him. but when we lay him on the blanket and four of us gathered round (my husband, the vet, her assistant and me) he knew something was up and struggled. we hugged him and held him and reassured him, but he was distressed until the drugs took hold and his eyes slowly closed. he went with us all surrounding him with love, but it could have been upsetting for a smaller kid.
but so much better than us NOT being with him.
i feel your sorrow at not having been there with him as he died, but i'm glad he went quietly and that your dilemma was off the table.
peace to you and yours, dear JB.
khairete
S.
I'm so sorry, this won't be easy no matter how prepared you are. I would tell them when they get home, that you're taking the dog in and there's a good chance she won't be back.
Many tears will follow, and you yourself will likely be more upset than you anticipated.
Hugs to you all, RIP sweet girl :-(
I'm so glad your sweet dog died on her own and in her cozy home and you didn't have to make that decision. And so glad your wonderful neighbors were home!! Find the book "Dog Heaven". It's a children's picture book, but very sweet and comforting for anyone who has lost a dog. It lets you know your buddy is keeping an eye on you and is safe and happy. Please give your kids a big hug from this dog-loving stranger.
