Life's Skills

For patience, I ask them to wait til I'm done talking or done with a task or there's a commercial.

Many "life skills" are things you can teach just as they come up. I don't walk my DD through the candy aisle, but I do keep her candy bag out of reach (still working on Halloween Candy here). If she eats a good dinner and has behaved well, she can have some. If she does not eat well/behave, no candy. Candy is a sometimes food.

Handling disappointment comes with being disappointed. Didn't make the team/cast? Didn't get the prize? Didn't get invited? Deal with each event. Teach the child to try again and get past it. Same with fear and anger. Use your words and encourage the child to use words vs screaming, throwing, etc.

My DD doesn't always persevere, so I work with her on finishing tasks. Her teachers are also working with her on it. Sometimes to build up to more, you start with less. Finish the project. Finish the puzzle. Finish the class.

Coping skills are something that all of my kids are aware of. Their school recommends the following website http://www.copingskills4kids.net/Home_Page.html
Being a good citizen at school is a primary focus point-each child hears different strategies and they love to teach each other.
I feel the best coping skills are physical. Don't like what happened at school? Let's go for a walk. Four year old on the verge of a temper tantrum? Why don't you help me make dinner.

I think one of the best ways is by example. Your child isn't necessarily going to "see" when YOU are having to be patient. Or use your self-control. He isn't looking at the world from your point of view. So in addition to giving him useful direction and encouraging comments when he is having to exercise these traits, let him see you exercising these traits by pointing out occasions when you are.
When you are standing in line at the grocery store waiting your turn patiently, with smile on your face, let him know that you wish you didn't have to wait in line, but since that is just the way it is that you may as well make the best of it and _______. (Tell him what you do to not focus on the wait--- think of what you will need to accomplish next, mentally run a check list so you are sure you haven't forgotten something, look for an opportunity to make someone else's day better, daydream, tell jokes with your son, etc). Whatever.

Or when you go down the candy aisle, or the frozen aisle, let him know that YOU would like some ice cream or a candy bar or a bag of hershey's kisses, too, BUT that you know that you will regret giving in to that later on, or it isn't in your budget this time so you have to wait until another time, or you know that you would eat more than one if you got the bag, so it is easier to not buy the bag and bring it home, etc.

Lead by example.

Well of course life in general is perfect for all that isn't it...sometimes more than we want! ;)

Playing board games and other games really help with all of that. The kids have to learn patience for waiting their turn, disappointment if they don't win, and control and anger usually play in there as well depending upon the game. It can be challenging for sure, and let me tell you what, I usually have to remember all my life skills while playing with my kids too! Tee hee! ;)

i think it's very important to lead by example. and when an issue arises, giving them the words/tools to help them deal. similar to your counting to ten method. when we go to the store, he gets told "no" routinely. it's not a huge deal. it's life. you don't always get what you want. i don't think every situation needs to be turned into a momentous "opportunity" for profound child-rearing moments.

i don't deliberately put them into difficult situations. i am his mother. i am his refuge, his lighthouse in times of trouble. i feel strongly that it's important for him to be able to trust in my unconditional, unwavering support and love. i don't want him to ever suspect my motives, or to feel i put him into difficult situations JUST to critique his response. life does enough of that.

maybe i misunderstood your statements...but that's my .02.

For me, I suppose that the teaching is in the living. Self-control means that you wait until a Sweets Day before getting a treat. (We have three a week.) Self-control means sometimes taking care of chores before we play. Patience is having them wait to talk with you while you are on the telephone.
Disappointment is met with compassion and empathy, and then guidance to find something else to satisfy oneself (redirecting to a different activity, delaying gratification, offering 'what could you do to make yourself feel better').
Controlling anger, for kids, is often about giving them safe ways to release it ( I have no problem with my son calling something he tripped over 'stupid' and we give guidance for when he's mad at us-- again, we try to lead him to think about what could make the situation better for him--solutions that work for everyone.) AND giving them ways to avoid the trouble/problem to begin with the next time.

A lot of this is done in the moment. We do a lot of thanking and appreciating when those good qualities come out. "Thanks for keeping yourself busy when I was talking to Auntie. I really appreciate it. Now I'm ready to help you with...." Following through on my end of the deal-- fulfilling the object of their gratification, delayed, teaches them to trust us.

I also try to keep the guidance light. If I have to say "no" to a treat at the store, I want to do it as a "not this time" sort of thing, and do not focus on what my son needs to learn. I also want him to know that I will take care of his needs, so if he's very hungry, I might buy a small bag of almonds to tide him over. It's important to me that he knows I can separate his needs from his wants; so that way when I ask him to delay his wants, he has the security of knowing the needs are met.

I also model this myself. When we are walking and Kiddo wants to go to the coffee shop, I might tell him, "You know, it would be fun for another day. I would love a cup of coffee, and we have tea at home and food at home, so I'm going to wait. That way we don't have to spend extra money." Then we go home and have a pleasant time, not bemoaning just staying home.

Fears: we are still working on. My only best advice would be not to try overly hard to reason them out of their fears, but to just offer support and encouragement and reasonable guidelines. My son has a huge fear of dogs (has been chased by them, jumped on--- he likes dogs and hates being afraid of them), so we walk a line between just being responsive to the strength of those emotions, modeling our own comfort around friendly dogs, and avoiding places that have dogs off leashes.

No silver bullets-- just lots of in the moment love and guidance. :)

Experience. Letting them see how their father and I handle things. Discipline rather than going straight to punishment. Natural consequences. Letting them use their reasoning skills. Encouraging logic and having fun. Having conversations with my children. Listening to them as if every single thing they say is the most important thing they will ever say... because to them it is and in the future I want them to feel that they can come to me with the important things.

But also realizing that not every single thing needs to be a life lesson. :-)

Very interesting question.

When it comes to self control, one of the issues kids have these days is they think they can verbalize anything whenever they want. I'm not talking about not letting them express themselves. I'm talking about the commenting on and criticizing about everything. That is the one thing that gets alot of kids in trouble...the backtalking, the whining, the complaining.

For example, if I mention I'm making a green beans for dinner to a friend of mine, her child will automatically say "I hate green beans" and then go on her merry way as her mother just stands there waiting for me to make a comment like "I know I didn't like greens as a kid myself either...." or something like that. But all the while I'm thinking "Uuuummm....did I ask for your opinion, kid?"

We teach our son how conversation should be intelligent and productive. Sure he goofs around and gets silly with his friends, and they tease and beat each other up without mercy, but if a grown up comes into the picture, he eases up. Our son knows the difference between interacting with grown ups, especially those in authority, and interacting with his friends.

Holding your tongue is one of the ways our son is learning to put others ahead of himself. Its almost a dying art, to be able to put others ahead of oneself, yet, its one of the only things we have control over that will create character and produce integrity. Life is all about coming in contact with other people so expose your child to as many experiences in dealing with other kids/people as possible - having fun with others, learning from others, teaching others, influencing others, even managing others. It will remind him/her that he/she isn't the only human on this planet, and once they get that down, patience and self control won't be so hard to learn.

One thing that helps in all those areas is helping children learn what to expect. For a long time when my daughter was a toddler, if we were going to the coffee shop (for instance) I would say, "We're going to Coffee Shop now, and today you can have a muffin" but other days it might be "We're going....but today, no muffin. What happens when we get there?" "No muffin today!" and so on. That's a very basic example, but it helped to ensure that she knew before we got to the door of the destination what she was or was not getting or doing that day. She was very good about it, especially since she knew there would be other times when she could have the muffin or whatever. It helps a child handle disappointment, for instance, and develop patience if you talk to the child before you get to the mall/store/restaurant/etc. about what to expect: "Today we're just looking, not buying." When you arrive: "Today is for looking, but not what?" "Not buying, M." etc. (Make it fun -- pretend you each have $100 to spend on "window shopping" and so on!) Yes, the kid might still find something to pine for but if you set expectations and repeat them in advance, the child does learn that you mean what you say and that you will help him or her know what to expect.In other words, do it in advance, not only when actually in the store or candy aisle.

I would check out the book "Love and Logic" from your local bookstore. It is jam packed with exactly what you're looking for.