Letting Go... Dealing with Giving Your Child Independence

Most kids are ready to babysit when they are 12 years old. Seems like he should be more than ready to handle this responsibility at 14.

It's normal to feel anxious the first time your child is apart from you, regardless of age. Just tell yourself that you're feeling what mothers from the beginning of time have felt. But those feelings shouldn't overwhelm you or prevent your child from spreading his wings.

Things to talk about with your son:

1. There will be no questions asked if he needs to call you and request a ride home because someone is drinking, fighting, threatening to drive erratically, overcrowding a car, using drugs, etc. You'll come get him anywhere, anytime.

2. Make sure he has an inexpensive regular cell phone (not the latest iPhone). No wi-fi, internet access. Just the ability to make calls.

3. Teach him about how kids earn freedom and privileges: by keeping their word and demonstrating responsibility and accountability. You tell him to be back at 5:00 pm, he's back at 5:00 pm. He tells you he's going somewhere and that's where he is. He is careful with his possessions, and his school performance is done to the best of his abilities.

4. Establish a safety code. My son was instructed to call me in case of emergency and tell me a fake phone message. Our code was, he would tell his friends that he had forgotten to give me a phone message and that I would "freak out". He'd call and say "mom, don't freak out at me but I forgot to tell you Uncle Eddie called this afternoon". There is no Uncle Eddie. I would ask him yes or no questions, so he could save face in front of his friends. I'd ask "is someone drinking? are the friends you're with planning something you know is irresponsible or dangerous?" etc. If he needed an out, I'd ground him and come get him. I took the heat for being "the bad guy". It only happened once - he was at the movies and afterwards, two groups of guys were getting into a fight, things were getting heated, and the guy who gave my son a ride was threatening to run the other guy down.

5. Be clear and concise and consistent in your rules. Establish a curfew, or your expectations (if he goes to the pool, he doesn't just take off afterwards and go to the mall, for example, without asking you first or informing you). Some parents just say "come home after the sleepover" but the kid assumes that the sleepover includes everyone going out to the movies or to the mall the next day. The parent meant "be home by noon" but wasn't clear. A lot of problems can be avoided by making your expectations plain. And be sure to ask your son what is planned when he goes out, and respect his word. Don't jump the gun and say no when a yes would have made sense but you didn't listen to his point of view or his explanation or request.

6. Make sure that he understands where the dangers lie. The captain of the football team, or the most popular guy in school, or the cheerleader, or some kid who appears wealthy and polished may offer him pills to increase performance in sports, or mental acuity, or the ability to focus better in school. It's easy to assume that such an accomplished individual must know what he or she is doing, and it will be tempting. Or your son will be lured by what seems to be the popular clique into a party, into drinking, into shoplifting. Teach him that those actions can have lifelong consequences, and make sure he's got a solid foundation so that he won't give in to those dangers. And teach him about the real dangers of Instagram, SnapChat, YikYak, and all the other social media sites.

Communicate with him, stay open, stay calm!

Wow, you should have been preparing him all along. By the time my kids were 14 this was a non issue.

I wish I could help but I don't know how to go back in time for you and this should have started years ago.

A couple weeks ago I let my just 15 year old take a train home from her cousin's house that is 4 hours away. It was a little stressful, and Amtrak sucks, but that is the level of letting go that is normal ish at that age, not going to a pool with a friend.

I didn't read what your prior issues were so I'll just share my thoughts. My kids are 16 and 13. My 16 yo has broken our trust. I told her after that it was hard to trust her again and it would take some time.

I think you just have to keep reminding them that you are trusting them to do the right thing...all the time...when they are not with you. And if you find out they didn't do the right thing, there will be consequences AND you may not allow them out on their own again until you can start to trust them again. I think it's an ongoing battle and I hate it! LOL I want to believe I have good kids, but they hang around other kids I don't always know as well or trust either. I guess it's just part of life and growing up...for all of us. We are not perfect parents either.

So just keep talking to him and letting him to go some things like the pool where it's relatively safe. I also keep telling my 16 yo that if I can't trust her to just hang with her friends and be good there is NO WAY I'm going to trust her with a car and driving on her own. (She currently has her lerners permit.)

And a funny side note about "stranger danger" which I have been telling the kids about since they were very small. My 16 yo drove us to the store the other day. She pulled into a spot to park and said something along the line of, "don't worry mom, that "killer van" isn't close enough for them to get us." LOLOLOL You know, the vans with no windows with the slider where they park next to you and when you come out with your groceries they throw open the sliding door and throw you in??!!! Well, I mentioned to her a long time ago to never park or walk by vans like that because they are easy to kidnap you. Clearly she remembered this.

So my point is to keep reminding your kids of what you expect of them and hopefully they will remember when the time comes. And if they don't, which sometimes they won't, then there will be STIFF consequences for the wrong choices they make. And make sure you follow through with that.

They are not perfect kids and we are not perfect parents and we are all just trying our best along the way. Good luck mama, we are all going through it with you!!!

My boys (now ages 16 and soon to be 14) have been going to our pool by themselves for about 4 years now. Once they pass the swim test at the beginning of the season? They can go alone. I do NOT see the life guards as baby sitters - that's NOT their job.

We can walk to the pool - we are literally six houses and a street crossing from the pool. We also have another pool less than a quarter of a mile away.

My kids have been going outside to play on their own for about 8 years....they were to stay in our cul de sac and my window was open.

I guess I've been giving my kids independence long before you have. My kids stay home alone too. What else haven't you allowed him to do? You realize he's a teenager and NEEDS to be able to make decisions on his own, right? Why have you waited so long to do this? Have their been problems in the past?

Well, 2 separate things.
1) He'll be fine at the pool. The pool I belong to allows kids to start coming without a parent at age 11, and many kids do. Your child is 14, a good swimmer, and there are lifeguards. It's ok.

2) It's totally ok to be nervous. It's not ok to let fear run your and your son's lives. My kids are younger than yours, and I've started letting them move towards independence in some areas (setting up his own social life, walking to friends' houses alone, etc). Does it make me nervous? Yes. But I refuse to give in to irrational media-driven fear. To me, the solution is not to tell him that he can't do things. The solution is to make sure he knows how to handle difficult situations - emergencies and strangers, but also peer pressure, etc. It's using things we hear on the radio in the car when we are together to have conversations about kids things do and the consequences of their actions. My older is not a talker, and so I have to bring up the topics to him. Sometimes it's awkward, but I do it anyway because I believe these conversations are important.

Where we live kids 9 and up walk to the neighborhood pool with their friends. The parents don't need to go with them unless they want to. My son who is 12 walks or rides his bike to the pool all the time...he sets it up to meet a friend there. He also walks to the tennis court to meet a friend to play together. I also let him just play out in the neighborhood with other kids...I encourage that in fact. Around here kids 12 and up are babysitting and doing pet sitting jobs. The way to learn to let go is to just start letting your child do things without you. Start small and work up. Of course talk to your son about appropriate behavior and calling you if he ever feels uncomfortable. I think my brain must work very differently than yours because I have a hard time imagining a parent being worried about a 14 year old going to the pool with a friend! Maybe I live in a safer area than you do or maybe I just believe in letting kids have more freedom...or maybe you have a different worldview and see the world as an unsafe place? Good luck...and remember it's a good thing to teach your child independence!

I think 14 is a little old to be having this conversation. Where I live the "youth swim" is for kids 9-18 only, no adults allowed. So at 9 we started leaving the kids at the pool. We took independence one step at a time. Our kids took a "safe walk" class before they started walking to school and the playground alone when they were 8 or 9. They took a "home alone" class before we started leaving them at home alone when they were 10. We started leaving them home alone for an hour or two at a time before going longer periods. They take the "babysitting" class when they are 12 before they start babysitting. We always made sure they knew about safety, the buddy system, personal space, never to go anywhere with a stranger, where to go for help etc. Never teach "stranger danger". That just makes kids fearful, not competent and confident. I was confident that my kids would behave appropriately in public, and I would often check up on them to make sure (ask the lifeguard if he was behaving). I wonder, did you have overprotective parents? Did you not experience freedom and independence?

ETA: B, I don't think a lifeguard makes a good babysitter either, but I certainly hope a 14 year old doesn't require a babysitter. If he does then I haven't done my job as a parent.

We have several neighborhood swim clubs and most kids start getting dropped off around 8 or 9. The do swim team/lessons and/or tennis and order lunch at the snack bar. The lifeguards are great and yell at them constantly when they run or get too rowdy (poor lifeguards, I feel sorry for them, not a fun job.) I often left my kids for two to three hours at a time.
Re your SWH about "making out" well yes this is the kind of thing that happens at that age. I myself had my first kisses with a boy at the skating rink when I was in 7th grade, back in oh, about 1979.
Possibly this is why your son is struggling socially, per a previous question, because he's not able to participate in fairly normal age appropriate activities? I can't imagine needing to hang out with my kids 24/7 at the age of 14, I mean he could easily be having sex or doing drugs in the bathroom at school, do you follow him around all day to make sure he's not doing that? Sorry to be snarky but give the poor kid a break and have some confidence that you've raised him well. Honestly it would be mortifying for him at that age to have his mommy watching him at the pool!

I like the "Don't freak mom, Uncle Freddie called.." suggestion. That's really good.

Our rule is that we either pick up the friend or we wait until friend shows up before leaving. The buddy system works so long as buddy shows.

We have a mom who takes our kids that age to the pool - a group of boys. She stayed the first few times and then she'd leave to go do errands. So there's nothing wrong with observing a few times till you're ok.

I've never been one to think a life guard makes a good baby sitter.
They have WAY TOO MANY people to look after and accidents sometimes happen - even to older kids - heck, even to adults.
I know he's 14 but I'd go with him and his friend and then sit on the sidelines and read a book while they have fun and I could keep an eye on them.
Maybe they would be fine but I've seen teens get out of hand and there should be a parent there to tell them to shape up and watch their manners.

Reading your SWH, I understand some of your reasoning.

My children are what they call "military brats". They have lived half way around the world in their life time. There were groups that the became involved with and some friends that were their neighbors that they hung out with. Most of the base housing that they lived in was a closed area. So kids ran around the area and then walked a good mile to the main base for movies and bowling. They did live in Europe and they had to adjust to the norms of the locals which were more advanced than what they had experienced prior. Of course at 13 or 15, they could not go to the local teen club and hangout. There were rules put into place and they were followed. Yes, my son and a group spent the night in a local park and had a few beers but no one bothered them and the local police kept an eye on them. They came home the next morning.

You say you have lived in four different locations before coming to this one, your son should have an idea of military life by now with kids coming and going and friends doing the same and being able to keep in touch with them by Skype. The TDYs and the PCS are rough and it sounds like your son is still adjusting to the new location with more civilian kids than military kids to be with. It does sound like your son had more fun with his dad and sister later at the pool than by himself.

Each child matures at their own rate. Yes it is nice to be a bit sheltered or close knit as you put it but it does not always give the child a chance to experience small things in life on their own. But you have to let them start walking so that when they become 18 they have an idea of what to do on their own.

In my youth, I recall taking buses from my hometown to a large city to visit relatives by myself. Also using the buses in the inner city to go from downtown to the suburbs by myself.

I hope that the moms on here were not too harsh. We are trying our best to prepare our children to take their rightful place in society and to be able to handle the day to day of life.

the other S.