Leaving Newborn with MIL

I am totally with you. My husband's mother is not nearly as much of a culprit as his grandmother. She is always saying I should call on her to come visit when I need "help." My husband is deployed and i have three kids. My three year old son is big for his age and i have six month old twin girls. The grandmother in question is always saying she'll come for a visit when she gets one ailment or another behind her. (Anything from planters warts from kidney stones.) yet with all her issues, she expects to be able to watch all my kids while I run errands or have a doctor's appointment. Not happening. My husband also has issues with his grandmother's preferential treatment towards the girls in his family.

i could go on about the issues I have with members of hubby's family, but it doesn't matter. I don't tell them they can't visit, and i occasionally go out of my way to provide opportunities for a quick visit in other venues, but I don't understand this obsession with spending time with my kids without me around. The more people push for it, the less likely I am to accommodate.

Also, I am sick to death of the argument, 'So-in-so raised your husband and they turned out Ok." Fallacious logic! My husband grew into a decent man in spite of the influences in his young life, by his own admission. Also, there are far more factors in the upbringing of a child neither blame nor credit can be laid at any one person's feet.

So.... my advice would be to not put your husband in the middle any longer. His mother is not going to change. You and he need to come to some sort of agreement regarding how much exposure you will allow and under what circumstances, and be prepared to implement that. You don't have to be mean or vicious, but you don't have to bend to everyone else's wishes. these are, after all, your children.

best wishes to you.

Your MIL isn't trying to parent your children or take over your motherly duties. She's begging you to allow her to be an active grandparent. She doesn't sound horrible to me at all. She's just excited to be a grandmother, and probably doesn't understand why you're insistent on keeping your distance.

I'm with you on not allowing her in the labor and delivery room, but everything else sounds perfectly acceptable. Based just on what you've told us, you haven't compromised with her at all and you sound really rigid.

Your MIL sounds horrible! You didn't mention her husband, so I assume they are divorced or he is dead. Her being single and all alone is a HUGE part of the problem (not to say she wouldn't be like this if she was still married, though). So, you have a needy, annoying MIL who oversteps her boundaries and who is all alone and lives far away - oy! It's not your fault that she is all alone, and it is certainly not your fault that this is YOUR time to be a mother - not her time! She already had her time! Her time is up! Now it's your time to mother your kids however you damn well please and if she doesn't like it, it's too bad. You need to stop talking to her (on the phone) and have your husband deal with her from now on. Her crying when she dosn't get her way is immature and high maintenance and dramatic beyond words. My MIL is like this too - thankfully she also lives far away! Don't cave it - hold your ground! Good luck.

I am sooo sick of the "well, so-so raised your husband and he turned out fine" line. Adults aren't just the product of their parent's, they have their own personalities, strengths and weaknesses that help determine the kind of person they are.

I agree she doesn't sound like a healthy influence on your kids at all. Too needy, sounds rather emotionally unstable really. Definitely think you're doing the right thing in limiting visits, her being a grandmother does NOT "outrank" you as their mother. You must do what you feel is best for YOUR children. Plus you've said that your kids do have other, and healthy grandparents in the picture. Why expose them too much to her influence?

Your MIL has a fantasy of what being a grandmother was going to be like. Maybe she feels like it is her chance to recapture the years she lost with her own kids because she was working, maybe she is the needy person who has to look like the good grandma, maybe she actually enjoys spending time with your kids and loves them, maybe she wants to be helpful to you and your husband. Or it could be a complex combination of all of those and more (since people are really complex creatures). You DH needs to ask her some questions about her expectations of the role she plays as Grandma and what she wants to have from the relationship with you and him and the kids. After he has that discussion (maybe writing down the questions for him to ask her, and requesting that he write down her answers) you and your husband can discuss how she feels, what she wants, and how that fits together with yours and his wants and desires for the family. Then you have him call his mom back and express what you decided together. Be there on a phone extension or just beside him to offer moral support and keep him on track and strong with her. If the conversation dissolves into tears, then calmly end the conversation and state that you will return to the conversation when all of you have had a chance to process your emotions. If you give her some clear guidelines to your expectations and how the family dynamic will work, so that she can process them, then maybe you can have a better, healthier relationship with her.
Your kids will never be hurt by having a relationship with their grandmother who loves them. My own mother found a way to swallow her own anger and hurt and let us have a relationship with her mother -- who was physically and emotionally abusive to her. I cherish the time I was able to spend with my grandmother, who loved me (and she was never abusive to her grandkids). Not only that, I love my mother more and respect her more because she did not stand in the way of a loving relationship.

I bet she misses her grandkids a ton. She probably just wanted to see you give birth and feel apart of something in your lives since she is states away. I also can totally feel your irritation. My MIL who is usually wonderful gets on my nerves a lot and always tries to take over when there is a crowd but if its just us and the inlaws she will be like you have a mother she will get you this or that...I bet she buys them stuff so you and husband don't have to, I struggled with my inlaws always taking my older boys to things that my husband and I couldn't afford at the time and I never wanted them to go. My mom told me instead of feeling bad just look at it as your kids get to go and they won't remember every single event this young..when they are older they will remember the stuff we can now afford to do with them. So look at it in a different less your sided way. I would just suck it up when she is visiting it's not like she lives next door or even in the same state. Let her enjoy her grandkids and if she wants to "take over" she probably wants to give you a break you sound like you have your hands full. All this being said I really don't know her personally so she could be the wicked witch of the west and in that case keep her away from your kids!

So you know her personality, make it work for you.

Example. She wants to be all motherly with the kids, let her. Let her do the cooking, the shopping, the laundry, the babysitting for the older kids (not the baby) while you run a short errand. This will please her and give you an hour break.

She wants to buy your kid things. Great. Invite her for an end of summer visit, where she can then notice that the kids need clothes, school supplies, etc. For big gifts, we have a rule that it has to be their birthday or Christmas. I put together online Target Wish Lists. My kids are allowed to put WHATEVER! they want on the list with the understanding that its a 'wish list', not a 'this IS what i'm getting list'. This past Christmas my kid put 2 items that were $400 (Black Friday pricing) on the list. My relative actually called my on Black Friday to ask which of the 2 he'd prefer. She was at the store ready to buy! They were items that I knew he wanted but I couldn't afford, so I let her buy it and then I bought the accessories.

As for the 'attention' seeking, my sister was this way in the beginning with my kids. Come give me a kiss, now. Come open this present I bought you, isn't it GREAT?... Then she'd get mad when they didn't agree or I didn't make them agree. I told her that my kids are individuals with their own personalities and if they didn't want to come give kisses or come play, that was THEIR choice. She learned to not push after that.

Hi there,

Getting to this late, sorry. What a nightmare! I can't believe she tried to "but in" when you were about to give birth to your first child!!! My MIL is similar, very needy, almost to the point of desperation for attention and approval. Her ideal situation is to take the baby in a stroller and have everybody "ooh and ahh" over them. Not only super yuck, but not my values- worth comes from within, not from external crowd pleasing. Truly I believe that some people never mature beyond high school.

I still have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue through most visits, due to her narcisism, but here are some things that work for us:
*Book a hotel for her stay, and rent a car for her. It it allows hubby and I to have much needed downtime in the evenings/ early mornings. costs, but so does marital therapy!!
*Well structured visits with clear end points. My MIL tries to stretch-out the length of the visit, but we are firm on this and let her know that we can't take time off work in these difficult economic times.
*Spending. We welcome her spendy ways at birthdays, we'll invite her out for the party, and hubby will take child and MIL to ToysRus and she'll spend bank. Hubby and I will agree on what is out (dangerous toys, especially for younger children), but otherwise this is between birthday child and Granny.

It has been 5 years dealing with her drama, but visits have gotten more tolerable. I warned her at every visit, that our goal is to have a good visit with no tears, so that's why we are doing X, Y, and Z.

Please feel free to message me anytime, if you don't want to vent and don't want to be bashed.

So does sound kind of pushy, but harmless. Is it possible that when she comes that you can leave and have a girls day out with your friends? As far as money goes, my MIL does the same thing. It really annoyed me at first and I expressed my feelings to her. I told her that her and my FIL worked hard for their money and I want to see them spend it on things they enjoyed. Her response is we enjoy or grandkids and want to spoil them. They thankfully cut back. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and see them all the time. If your kid's are up to spending some time with Grandma away from home I would let them. It is a chance for them to bond with Grandma while they can. I spent a ton of time with my grandma before she passed away and I would not change that for anything. I have a ton of great memories with her. During the summer's my little cousins always came up from Texas and spent two weeks with her. This gives mom and dad a much needed break and helps the kids learn to be away from home. I think she is just excited to be grandma and is harmless.

Don't let your relationship with your MIL cause you to deny your kids of a loving grandma. Be thankful she lives a few states away. Let her visit..but have her stay at a hotel, don't let her babysit if you don't want to...but let her visit, then be polite when she goes home.

I understand your concerns. It does sound like your MIL is a very 'needy' person and I'm guessing that you may be correct that she is trying to make up for what she perceives as her "lost chance" to be a mother while she was working outside the home. You can't change her, but you may be able to find a way to deal with this that will help her to overcome her pushyness and give your children a good chance to have a nice relationship with their grandmother.
Here are some suggestions you might try. Sit with your hubby and make some decisions as to what both of you are comfortable with regarding his mother. For instance, she is asking for your children to come and stay with her in her home. No, I wouldn't be comfortable with that either at their ages and the distance she lives from you. However, it sounds like she makes frequent trips to see you. On these trips, YOU decide something you want to do where you will go out and leave her with your children for a short period of time. Maybe the first time would be just a quick run to the store (half an hour). Perhaps you want to leave her and your husband there together with the children the first time. For your own peace of mind, be sure she has a cell number so she can call you if she has a need. After you've seen how it goes for a brief time of her watching the children, do something else that will increase the time she has with them.
Also, before you start this, have a plan for when you will allow your children to travel to her state and spend some time with her. I wouldn't do this until after they've started school. Depending on how independent your oldest is, you could send her either the summer between Kindergarten and first grade or the following year. I would suggest planning no more than a two - three day stay. We took our 7 and 5 year old granddaughters on a weekend trip recently. Though we were only five hours from their home, it could have just as well been across the country as far as they were concerned. Distance isn't all that relevant at their ages. Both of them enjoyed the trip, but also missed their parents intensly, especially at night. We deal with them all the time, as we live near them, so it wasn't difficult for us to handle their homesickness. However, your MIL might have a major issue handling that kind of situation. This is why I think it's important for you to give her the opportunity of being alone with your children in your home first.
Once you and your husband have come to an agreement on a plan. Explain it to his mother, and let her know that you do want her to have a good relationship with your children and are only trying to help make it work out for all concerned. She might not like waiting to have her grandchildren in her home for several years, but if she sees that there is a plan and you are willing to work with her, she might begin to loosen up toward you.
And, you might even be surprised and find that one day you'll have a good relationship with her yourself. Give it a chance.

Oh wow I can't believe that you are complaining so much about nothing. You MIL just wants to be a grandma and what grandmas do is spoiled the heck out of their grandchildren. Don't be so selfish and let your kids enjoy they're grandma ...remember that one day you are going to be a grandmother and you are not going to like having your son in law telling you how long you can stay at his house or how much money you can spend on the kids. For the record, I'm not a grandmother. I just happened to have an unlovely grandmother which was very sad when I was a little girl. Your kids are very lucky.

Sorry I can't give any advice....I just feel sorry for you! I almost felt as if you were describing my MIL. Good Luck and just be glad she is 4 states away. Mine was an hour away and is now 4 1/2 hrs away.

Wait, so your hubby's GRAND PARENTS raised him? Could she think it is not "her turn" to be a mom?

I would try not to let your relationship with your MIL interfere with your childrens relationship with their grandmother. I have such fond memories with my grandmother growing up. It wasn't until my mother passed away that I learned that their relationship wasn't great. You're kids don't need to know that. Let them enjoy it. They probably have no idea that she's needy, and I'm not sure how she would 'rub' any of that off on them. Relax and be glad that your children have their grandmother....also, I'm sure your Husband will be glad. Just think how you would feel if your childrens spouses wouldn't allow you to visit. Just sayin'