Lawyer/paperwork

Could either or both of you be depressed? Many times it comes on us as adults and we don't know what to do about it. Mine is in the winter, my husband's came on after the death of his father. He grieved, but had about 7 years of not being quite himself afterwards. I've been a positive person all my life, but after my son's birth I had tons of negative thoughts that would spin around and around and not leave me in peace. It wasn't post-partum in the sense of not being a good mother, but mostly lack of sleep! So please think about if there are other issues going on that can be addressed. I have to have exercise and sleep to get through the winter, but it's working for me. Good luck to you and your family!

As a divorce lawyer I can assure you that no such contract would be legally enforceable. You cannot prevent your spouse from divorcing you in the future any more than he can prevent you from divorcing him now. The fact that he doesn't want you to leave would indicate that he still has hope that the marriage can work. The fact that you don't want him to leave you in the future shows that you actually still want to be with him. The fact that you have children together means that it's worth everything you can try to make it work. You did not say whether you had tried marriage counseling, but you absolutely MUST try counseling now. It can work wonders and it sounds as if you desperatley need it.

S., I have no advice other than what the other women have written. I just wanted to write and show my support for you. Have confidence in yourself. You can do anything you need to for yourself and your children. Yes, it will be difficult. But you can do it. Take care, I'm thinking of you.

S.,

I agree with most of the advice already posted. I just wanted to add that you can contact the Women's Center in Vienna, VA for help. Call ###-###-#### or contact via email at http://www.thewomenscenter.org/ I thankfully have not had to use their services, but I personally know four people who have, and it was a godsend for all of them. The Center provides legal advice, career advice, counseling, and many other services. According to the website, you pay based on what you can afford. They have a Wash., DC office too. Call them soon and you'll feel better for being proactive in dealing with your situation. I also feel that turning to God is incredibly helpful, especially for the peace it brings to you. I will be praying for you and your family, S.. You can make a better life for yourself and your children, but you have to take that first step to change things.

Get out NOW!! He is using you and making you a captive with excuses and his belitting statements about you not being able to make it without him. Ridiculous and classic behavior. Get to a lawyer for yourself and have the terms of a divorce drawn up the way you want them. Your situation seems to be beyond counseling and prayer at this point. It will be tough, but you also need a job and to get back in school. You can do it---he simply does not WANT you to do it. (and even though you could not require him to remain married to you later, WHY WOULD YOU want to!???) You deserve a real man and partner. You primarily also owe it to your children to exit this situation, but for now share their time with their dad. As often happens when a man only wants to keep a wife for the usual convenience it affords in his life, he is also soon willing to allow any children to wholly reside with their mother....Start slowly and rebuild your life and theirs; it will be the reward of all your lifetimes. You are very young and it is the perfect time to do so. Good luck and strength!

S.:

You can do anything you want - you just have to give yourself the credit you deserve.

I'm stuck. I want to tell you to leave. You and your husband are NOT setting a good example for your children. These are their informative years - is this how you and your husband want THEIR marriages to be?

You have several options at your door right now.

You can go to marriage counseling to see how you two can learn how to communicate to each other. You need to figure out WHY you are angry. You need to figure out WHY you are ALLOWING someone to tell you you can't do something or letting you believe that you can't make it without him. You HAVE to drop the negative. I know how strong those negative voices are - but you MUST believe in yourself. You MUST have faith in yourself and God. You are a VALUABLE W. and NEVER let ANYONE tell you differently. Your husband found qualities in your he liked/loved and married you.

You can go to school yourself. Find out what you want to do - what are your desires and dreams? Do NOT EVER let "just a high school diploma" stop you for going after your dreams - you are setting and example for your children - do you want them growing up angry? do you want them growing up thinking THIS is how marriage is supposed to be? NO, I don't think so.

You can prove that you can do it on your own. You can earn money in many ways - you can also do things to protect your future - you can sell things on ebay, you can make things and sell them (my mom is talented in making afghans, quilts, etc. and gets paid $200-$500 for each one she makes). I too am a SAHM, I save $$$$ in coupons and sell things on ebay. I also do recruiting - there are MANY avenues for you to travel down.

Now, you need to STOP being angry. Do you believe in God? I do - God can help you through ANYTHING - you need to trust in Him. Pray to him. Go to your priest or pastor for guidance.

Network with other SAHMs, get out of the house or have others over to the house. You need to see your value and self-worth.

I STRONGLY suggest counseling - if not marriage (which I would seriously hope you will do) then just for yourself. You need to learn how to vent your angry properly and use that anger for good - for YOURSELF.

I live in Reston, VA - please feel free to contact me.

Again, DO NOT let ANYONE tell you you can't do it without them. DO NOT let ANYONE tell you CAN'T do something!!

Best regards,

God Bless

Cheryl

I haven't read all of the responses, so...
If you are truely unhappy, why would you want this? It is important for kids to have bothof their parents around, but raising them in a happy household is just as important. If you both are hateful toward each other, how is that helping the kids?

You don't say how old the kids are. Since you have a HS diploma, is there anytime during the day or evening when you could take some online courses? Ramp up your skills so that when/if the time comes that you would NEED to work outside of the home, you would have something to stand on? What about starting a home business like selling AVON or such?

You should take steps now to help yourself now, a year, 5 years or so later. Setup an individual savings account, checking account, what have you. Ready yourself now for a future tomorow.

M.

Divorce him now. The kids need both their parents, but you can give them that and not be together. It will be worse for them in the long run to grow up in a home where their parents HATE each other. Also, the kind of thing you're talking about doesn't exist. You can't force someone to stay married. It doesn't work that way. There's no legal foundation for something like that once you're already married. The only thing that would have worked the same way would be a prenuptial agreement.

As for making it without him, you don't have to. Your circumstances are such that it's a good possibility that you'll get child support AND spousal support. Get a lawyer and get divorced now. Your children will be better off in the long run. Believe me, mine are.

I have no experience with this type of thing but several things come to mind- you can't legally keep someone married to you. Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you? And just in case it doesn't pan out, do you have any kind of income, your own checking/savings account where you can build up an emergency fund to keep you and kids floating during a transition period if that happens? Perhaps need some money to pay a lawyer for advice? I don't know if its a big assumption based on TV shows but in a divorce agreement there could be alimony and child support payments. Check with a lawyer first, discreetly. I'm sorry anyone has to go through this- best of luck to you.

Instead of using money, time and energy planning a divorce in the future, why not take that same time, energy and money and apply it toward some couple's counselling. Every marriage goes through periods of stress. But, if nurtured, the marraige can be really sweet. Don't let today's emotions rob you of a very sweet future. It's going to take a lot of work and a lot of help if you're at a place where you both are considering divorce. Do not let yourself make choices out of insecurities (you wrote you have been told you can't make it without him, you have HS diploma, etc.) Those are not factors in determining success. I have met many successful people who have HS diplomas. Sounds like the two of you have some soul-searching to do about what you want out of life and out of the marriage and what you are willing to do to make things work-not just tolerate each other. And, if being a HS graduate is something that bugs you, you can always go to school and earn a degree in the future. No one is closing universities, so just add that to your list of things you'd like to do someday. P.S. There is a saying that it's cheaper to keep-'er. If he's foolish enough to put you out after being married x years and you've been a SAHM, he'll realize sadly that he will still legally have to care for you, well after you've tried to transition to a career. So, don't worry about a worry. Take some time and seek counsel, either through your church or a community program that supports families. Can't find any? Write a personal message to me and I'll see if we can't find something in your area. And, don't do this just for the kids, though it will help them learn how to resolve conflicts in the future. Do this because you and your husband owe it to yourselves. You can have an amazing future when the kids are grown. Don't just throw it away without trying, at least. Start the conversation with him and say, "instead of us planning now how to end this marriage, are you willing to save it, build it and turn it into something that really makes both of us love each other beyond reason?" Put the challenge up to him and see what he says. If he says, "No, I hate you, etc." Then, ask him did he always hate you and, if so, why did he propose? If he says something really nasty, then, you'll have to make plans, and maybe sooner rather than later, if there's real hatred and bitterness going on. Not sure what happened along the way, but the two of you somehow got lost. It takes two to make it work, though, and if he's not willing to try, you will have to do some real soulsearching.

well, no. very fortunately it is legal in this country to get out of a contract which is so very miserable for all parties, and you can't force him to stay in it. of course you can make it expensive for him to leave you, but honestly, since you're both already in hell, it'll probably be well worth it to him.
you are not doing yourself or your kids (or him, if it matters) any favors by staying in this awful situation. all you're doing is demonstrating for your children what marriage is, and surely this is not what you want them to learn. i strongly suggest you leave ASAP, or at the very least start educating yourself so you can take care of yourself when the time does come for you two to split. for the sake of your happiness and sanity, i do hope it's soon.
khairete
S.

Best of luck in whatever course you pursue. I can imagine it must be challenging.

While I'm not a legal expert, it doesn't seem possible to have paperwork that forces someone to stay in a marriage. Remaining within a marriage is a choice, although there can be situations that can make it difficult for people to choose an alternative option. It seems necessary to address the present issues you and your husband are faced with. Perhaps you might consider some counseling or therapy to assist you individually and/or as a couple. If you want out of your marriage because it's unhealthy and you are unhappy, then you ought to proceed with legal assitance to work through a divorce and make the necessary arrangements for child custody etc... In agreement with some of the previous posters, it's not appropriate to maintain an unhealthy & hostile marriage and knowingly have your children being exposed to that type of adult relationship - it is detrimental to their emotional development and health. It's also inappropriate to attempt trying to force someone to remain in a marriage, which is not good for the emotional well being for either adult party in the relationship.

go and get an education

that is the long and the short of it with an education comes freedom

also if you strat going now and you end up getting a divorce most judges will make him continue paying for your education untill you are done.

if he is making your life hell you may as well give him a good reason too.

all i think you can do is get a pre nup but there is one for after the marriage it just means what you can and can not take away with the divroce.

I cannot help you out sorry with advice , but cannot understand why he is making it so hard for you to leave if you both clearly do not want to be together? For a start it is not healthy for your kids to be brought up in a home/situation likes this for the next however many years. Whether you want to believe it or not , you are in an abusive relationship , maybe not physically but verbally , he has you believing that you cannot cope without him , & you are asking for help with legal to papers to tie you to this marriage for the rest of your life , is that what you really want?? I am sure you can drive , just pack up some things and drive to your family , you can cope without him if you really want to , as a mom you will do your best for your kids , no you might have the lifestyle that you have at the moment , but I bet you would be happier , you only get 1 life , don't waste it.

I wish you the best

K.

You can't have a contract that forces someone to stay married, even if he agreed to it it wouldn't be enforcable. You could, assuming he agreed to it, have something along the lines of a pre-nup drawn up. Something that states in the event of a divorce property will be divided in the manner outlined. I don't think it's terribly likely he'll agree to it though.
Have you tried family therapy? I respect your hope to stay together for your children, but an angry & fighting couple isn't any better than a poor but happy single parent. If you're committed to trying to 'make it work' why not also commit to trying to make it work well & see if there is still love & respect under all the anger?

What your husband is saying IS wrong... HOWEVER, you are wrong as well. It goes two ways. EITHER WAY, you two don't belong together if that is the way it is. Let me put it this way: it is BETTER for children to grow up with one stable parent than it is with two parents that clash. PERIOD! You are doing your children a great dis-justice staying in an unhealthy relationship for so long. That will teach them NOTHING about the way relationships are supposed to be. Do you want THEM to end up in a bad relationship and just start a family history of unhappy miserable people? I should say not.

THIS is coming from a daughter (me) whose mother EVENTUALLY divorced an abusive husband and dad, but not soon enough... Awful relationships are just that.

And think about YOUR happiness as well! You sound so bitter towards your husband. I don't know how severe the relationship is, but if it isn't as severe as you are describing, counseling could possibly help.

Good luck and think more about the environment you are raising your children in, and not the fact that they'll have two parents.

I know I sounded harsh, but your situation just seems so toxic... I really DO wish you and your family well!

I second what Kate said. He is abusing you and its not healthy for your children. You say you have a degree in education, so I'm sure you recall the classes about child development and how children raised in abusive homes often become abusers themselves. I'm sure you wouldn't want your children putting their spouse through what you are going through.

For anyone to tell you you can't make it without them is wrong! In my opinion, its time for you to leave him and prove him wrong!

Heed what the others here have said and prepare to exit the marriage, but the key word here is PREPARE. When you divorce him, if you want joint or primary custody of your children, you will have to be ready to fight for it. From what you describe, it sounds like you can expect him to put up a huge, painful fight for the kids, and probably to make the kids pawns in a power struggle between you and him. Start arranging immediately for your own financial independence; your own education and a job (because he will claim you cannot support the kids, so he should have custody since he works--I have seen that tactic before and it does influence judges); and your own lawyer who is experienced in divorce and custody issues and is willing to fight for your financial rights and custody rights. You will have to do these things (like starting an education) probably against his resistance within the marriage for a while, and the lawyer part should be, frankly, your secret, until you are ready to file for divorce. Just be ready to meet all the claims he will make about why he should have everything and you nothing. And most of all, for your own sake and your children's, please get counseling even if you do it alone and secretly; go to a local women's center for help finding free or low-cost counseling. Your statement that "He is putting me through hell so he should have to live with it the rest of his life" is pure vengeance, and though it may be well justified, it will corrode your heart and those of your kids if you can't get professional help. Good luck.

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like either one of you are thinking about the kids, only your selves. So sad that your children are being raised in such an unhealthy environment. They will only learn that marriage is an unhappy, ugly, hurtful kind of relationship and either avoid it themselves or marry someone like you or your husband to repeat what they have seen. My suggestion is to get advice from the Local YMCA, women's abused shelter or some other county service to help guide you towards getting some help with a divorce and counseling for you and most importantly the children. Your husband obviously doesn't see how by trying to control you he is setting a bad example for his children as to what a healthy relationship should look like! I really can't emphasize enough to find some support. There are many out there if you look. If one of the services can't help you than they can probably direct you to someone who can. Good luck, it sound so very sad for everyone in involved.

I am sorry that the two fo you are making the family miserable. My first suggestion would be for couples counselling and maybe some private counselling as well. That being said, I asked my husband to leave when our daughter was 6 weeks old, it was hard, and many days still is. He is very involved with the kids and sees them frequently, he lives down the street. Our boys have tried the "well if you won't maybe Dad will" game, forgetting that phones are faster than tehy are. He and get along alot better now that we don't live together. There are grants that you can get to go back to school and learn whatever your heart desires and be able to use it for yourself. The grants do not have to be paid back and any money that you don't use, you still get to keep! You don't say how old the kids are, but I bet they would get a kick out of Mommy doing homework too. One thing that I have done to be financially independent from my ex is to start my own business. After several unsuccessful tries, I have found a company that is fantastic! YOu should also know that people from all ages and backgrounds work with this company,from grandparents in their 80's to college students using it to pay for college. If you want more information e-mail me: ____@____.com