Late Friend Pushing My Patience

I've had this problem with my family. After telling them politely how rude and inconsiderate they were being, I told them I would not wait for them again. They were only late once after that. I woulkd wait 15 minutes at the most, then leave. My time is just as valuable as theirs. Years ago I even did that to a date. I waited for him for 30 minutes then went out. He was never late again either.

For some of my lateness-prone friends, I try setting the time ahead of them. Like if we are supposed to meet at 12, I'd say 11 or 11:30. Try that and see if it levels the field.

If not, I'd try giving her a dose of her own medicine. Leave when she's late, and when she arrives and you are not there, simply tell her that you could not wait for her, as you had a prior engagement.

Good luck!
S.

M.,

I am a late friend... I really really don't mean to be, but seems the more I try the more I am late. I am never more than 30 minutes, usually only 10-15 minutes but that's still late. Thankfully, I haven't lost a friend on account of it, yet, anyway's. I would almost recommend lying... If you want to meet her for lunch at 12, tell her 11 and you be the one who arrives late. I would be willing to bet, one or two times and she will be prompt from there on out or you will see how good of a friend she is...Good luck and I know it's inconvenient to even consider but I bet it fixes things or you realize she's not so great of a friend.

Hello! I know this is a late response and I won't say anything different from what anyone else has said--it just rang a bell for me because just yesterday, a long-time friend who had issues with lateness (among other things) "released me from (my) obligation to be her friend."

So--the thing is, I can be late, too, and I have other friends who chronically run late, so I do understand it and I don't think that it's meant to be intentionally disrespectful, but for me, I know there's an element of carelessness, and doesn't that translate to disrespect?

That said, I wouldn't have ended a friendship (or allowed a friendship to end,) just on the basis of lateness, but what I feel like I've determined with this friend, or ex-friend as the case apparently is, is that it was/is part of a package of behaviors that over time eroded my sense of my value as a friend. And what I felt I finally had to come to terms with was the fact that I was unlikely to be a good friend if I didn't value myself, if I didn't think I was worth being treated respectfully.

So, long story shorter, I finally asked this friend to take care of something that she'd let go for months and months (to pay me for something she'd asked me to buy for her, and yes, I'd asked her to please pay me but somehow she just was too busy to respond to my emails or to otherwise remember it?) and in the ensuing (email) conversation (it was probably a mistake to dialogue via email but another one of our issues was that she has a really hard time finding time to get together,) it became clear to me--though I'm still having a hard time facing it (other people would probably be going, "duh!") that she really DOESN'T respect me, or even. . .see me. It was all about her--I was criticizing her, I thought she was a bad friend, I expect too much, I'm judgmental, I'm rigid. . .and it was like, well, gee--no wonder she runs late. How I feel, what might be important to me, just didn't even figure in her equation, even after saying point blank, "All I really want is to feel I have some value to you." It probably took me as long as it did to figure out that she doesn't value me (and like I say, I'm still processing this,) because I'd spent so many years allowing her to treat me like an afterthought--not totally, obviously we did still get together and we did have some good connections, which makes me still wonder if I am what she says I am, but still, if I'd been a friend she really valued, wouldn't she have made me a tiny bit higher of a priority? Would I have had to be squeezed into her schedule? And then once she managed to find some time, would she consistently make me wait a minimum of 15 minutes and up to an hour for her to show up? I know, busyness--too much on the plate--I get it--but she's still made a choice, hasn't she? And the choice is that she can afford to do everything else before she gets around to me. . .because I'll still be there. And what a sap?

You know what I'm saying? I was trying to be the friend who bears all things (believes all things, hopes all things, etc.) but I think what it worked out to was, "If you'd allow me to treat you like that, then you're NOT respect-worthy."

So I guess if I have a point to make it's that I'd agree with those who say be understanding, but make there be consequences. If, like my friend, she's unable to make changes and/or it causes your friendship to end, perhaps she wasn't a very good friend to begin with.

Thanks for the forum to speak!

I finished a class in November where this issue came up.
Lateness was described in the class as a Value. Your Value is to be on time, her Value doesn't include being on time. Neither one being right or wrong. One of the best ways to handle this (I did this with my Husband) is to wait 10, 15 (whatever you are comfortable with) and then leave.(the consequence) For myself, I would go to dinner, parties etc by myself if my husband didn't get home on time and meet him there. It cured him. If they don't get the hint, then you need to decide if you can or cannot accept that kind of behavior.
I thought it was an interesting way to look at it.

Hi M.,
Some things that I have not really seen addressed here are:
personal responsibility, honoring commitment (keeping one's word), respect, and personal boundaries. For me, these things are all big components in they type of relationships that I am willing to have.

Being on time is a matter of personal responsibility. Excuses just give people a way out of being responsible for what happened. Here is an exercise to try: no excuses allowed - she's on time, or she's not. I've done this with myself, as a way to kick the late habit. The better excuse one has, the more license they feel it gives them to be late, and the less they will be take personal responsibility.

Being on time is about keeping one's word. If you have an agreed upon time to meet, then that means that you have an agreement, and have made a commitment. If one does not keep the agreement, then they have broken their word. I personally establish within any of my relationships, that keeping one's word is part of what I expect, and one of my requirements for how I want to be treated (and will treat them). This does not mean that one cannot negotiate a new agreement. There is a big difference between calling ahead of time to negotiate a new time, and just not showing up without notice.

Respect is tied into keeping agreements. I find it not respectful of my time for people to not keep agreements. It's one thing if they don't value themselves or their own, time, but don't treat me that way. Mutual respect is just a part of relationships for me.

Personal boundaries - We teach people how to treat us - by the boundaries and guidelines we set, by what we accept from others, and by how we treat ourselves. Allowing this person to have you waiting at a restaurant, or eating alone because she is that late, is disrespectful behavior. In taking care of oneself, it requires setting boundaries and guidelines for what is acceptable behavior within a relationship. Allowing unacceptable behavior to continue is disrespecting oneself. It's a way of saying, "I'm not worthy of respect."

I used to be a chronic late person. Until I started doing some personal growth work over 20 years ago, and saw that being on time was a choice, and of my own responsibility.

Sure, life can be unpredictable, but that's just another excuse. I think that people who are chronically late have this expectation that if anything doesn't flow perfectly, then it's not their fault - if they leave with "just enough time to get there almost on time", but then hit traffic, then it's traffic's fault. If they were backing out of the driveway and a trash truck was in the way, then they arrive late with a great big trash truck story. This is an unrealistic way of functioning.
I personally did what I suggested initially - I took away excuses. I only allowed myself to be on time or late, black or white, no excuse allowed. Without the excuse, I was left holding the bag of responsibility. It was a conscious choice for me to change what had been a life long pattern.
When I became a mom, I recognized how REALLY unpredictable life can be! Rather than setting myself up to feel frustrated when things got thrown off track, I decided that I just needed to allow more time to allow for life's little surprises. That has set me up for a pattern now of being early! Trust me, for people who knew me in my younger days, they'd never have said that I'd end up being an early person.

And I have dealt with this with friends. I've been left waiting before at restaurants, and been annoyed at having my time wasted when I could have been making better use of it. What I do is I let my friends know that this is important to me, and that it is not okay to disrespect my time. I set time aside for them because I value them. I expect to be valued as well. This is not to say that I don't treat them with a great level of compassion, as I certainly do. I love my friends and that is why I find that I MUST be honest about these things - otherwise, it just harbors resentment and distrust and then there is not true friendship anyway.
It's one thing if the other person is willing to accept this standard of behavior for themselves, but quite another to accept it for you.
One note on the suggestions to lie about the time - all that does is add another excuse to the arsenal, because then they can say that they didn't really believe the time anyway.

I hope that helps. I suppose the bottom line is holding people accountable, and loving oneself enough to stand up for being treated with love and respect.

Take care,
M.

Unfortunately, I lost a 20+ year friendship over this issue. It wasn't just that she was chronically late. It was that I came to realize it was a symptom of her complete self-centeredness. When I reflected back on our friendship, I realized it was always about her latest dramatic issue. It was always about me supporting her through her latest crisis. The final straw was when she was late to my wedding. I was about to walk down the aisle with my father when she came running into the vestibule from the outside door. She stopped to give me a hug and run ahead of me to her seat. When I realized that even at my wedding, the story became about what delayed her. I knew then that our friendship was completely one-sided. The proof is that when I relocated after my wedding, she made no effort to maintain our friendship. Neither did I.

M. - I know that you have already received a million responses to your post, but I wanted to add a different point of view.

I am the person who is perpetually late. And, I want to assure you that it does not reflect in *ANY* way how much I love or respect the people that I keep waiting. I feel terrible when I am late (even 5 minutes) for anything. Even if I'm not meeting anyone at all, I hate it that I lose control of my time and seem unable to make it someplace when I had planned to. It makes me feel like such a failure that, although I am a strong, organized and powerful woman, that I cannot overcome this personality defect.

I am typically 5 to 10 minutes late getting where I need to go. The latest I have ever been is 20 minutes late. I am getting much better about being on time as I get older and learn things I can do to improve my time management skills. I set all my clocks 5 to 10 minutes ahead (each one a different amount). Actually seeing the hands of the clock registering the time I should be leaving helps keep me on track. I always plan to leave 15 to 30 minutes earlier than I really need to, in order to give myself a "late" buffer. I also schedule anything I am able to with a "time" buffer (for example, I will be there between 10:00 and 10:15). That usually allows me to be "on time", and reduces the anxiety that I experience when trying to meet a specific time deadline. When I have to be anywhere at a specific moment in time, it is very, very stressful. And, of course, most things in life that start at a certain time (work, school, movies (thank goodness for previews!), extracurricular activities, flights, etc.)

I want to reiterate that my tardiness has absolutely nothing to do with how much I care about or respect the person I am meeting. I have lost cherished jobs over this character flaw. I have endured ridicule from friends and family members who are always on time and cannot imagine why someone would constantly be late. I was even late to my own wedding!

In fact, I lost two of the dearest friends I ever had in the world, because they, too, thought I was selfish and did not "respect" them or value their time (and, thus, their friendship). Our friendship ending was, in no way, their fault. It was my fault. However, had they ever once told me that my tardiness made them feel like I was selfish and did not care about them, I would have moved mountains to make sure that they knew how much I valued them as my friends. Instead, they let their resentment grow, and by the time they finally expressed to me how my tardiness made them feel, it was too late. Nothing I could say could change their mind that I didn't care about anyone but myself. (And, almost 6 years after this happened, I still have tears running down my face, typing this...)

The reason for my post is this.... We all have character flaws. To be friends with anyone, you have to accept them for who they are. My lateness is my biggest flaw.... My highest hurdle to overcome.... My biggest failure in life.... But, I have so many other wonderful qualities to offer as a friend. It makes me feel so sad to see all the other women who posted saying that people who are constantly late are self-centered and don't respect or care for their friends. That is so untrue! Even you posted that those of us who admitted to always being late asked for "UNDERSTANDING" (in quotes), like we were trying to make lame excuses for our lack of concern for others.

I'm not trying to make lame excuses. I know where I am lacking. Hopefully the people who love me will be able to see past my flaws and will not think that my failures have anything to do with them. To me, that is self-centered. To think that, because I am late, that it somehow has something to do with how I feel about them. That I am somehow trying to be controlling or that I don't care about them or how they feel.

I do understand that, for many people, someone being late drives them absolutely crazy. All I can say is, please try to realize that just because it is not difficult for you to be on time, that is not necessarily the case for everyone.

Now, having said ***alllllll*** that, I do want to clarify that I would *NEVER* be an HOUR late for anything - EVER! And, if I am meeting someone, I will call them *NO* later than *ONE* minute after our planned meeting time, to let them know exactly when I will arrive. In this age of cell phones, I cannot imagine anyone leaving a friend waiting for *ANY* length of time without contacting them and letting them know exactly when I will be there. That would be disrepectful and rude! I would, also, never expect anyone to wait for me longer than 15 or 20 minutes. Although I may not always be exactly on time, I would never leave anyone waiting for me without contacting them immediately. The situation with the woman you are posting about does seem extreme. And it does seem like she is not respecting you. (I had a friend like that and I had to cut off our friendship, because it was obvious that she did not care about me.)

But, please talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. Let her know (kindly) that you value her friendship and that you understand that some people have a hard time getting places on time. Maybe you two can choose a method that will work for both of you, whether it is telling her to meet you 30 minutes early, not leaving your house until she has already arrived at the meeting location, or never meeting her anywhere that you wouldn't mind being alone for most or all of the time you are there (no meals or movies together, but instead her coming to your house, meeting you to shop at the mall (call me when you arrive and I'll tell you what store I'm in), going to a play place with your kids where she could join you whenever, etc..)

And, if these things don't work for you, then just let her know that you will be unable to wait for her anymore for longer than 15 minutes. And, make it clear that you expect an immediate phone call at the time you were supposed to meet, so you will know when she will arrive. Her saying, "I'm on my way" and not arriving for 30 to 45 minutes is not fair to you. Then, if she does not arrive by the time she said in the phone call, LEAVE.

Just, please, do let her know how you are feeling and give her a chance. But then follow through with ending the friendship if it becomes clear that she is unwilling or unable to be more respectful and more timely. Just remember that her problem may not be that she doesn't care about you. It may not have anything to do with you at all....

Thanks for reading my long post! I hope that it has helps you to understand the other side of the issue....

There is an old saying from Ann Landers - "no one can take advantage of you without your permission". And I think it fits here. I love this and use it over and over. That's all it really boils down too.

I bet she is late for everyone and everything so I don't think I would take it personally. I don't know if this is the right advice for you but here is what I have done in that situation before. If you agree to meet for drinks, dinner, etc. at a certain time, give her 15 minute and then leave. If she agreed on 6 then at 6:15 leave. If she asks why tell her that your time is as valuable and important as hers and that you had other things on your agenda. Tell her you aren't angry but that you couldn't wait. The 2nd or 3rd time if she hasn't gotten the message...then she is just rude...but if you still don't want to cut of the friendship when you make the date tell her she must be on time. For example we can meet for lunch at 12 but we must be done by 1 because I have a meeting or appointment, etc. If she isn't there by 12:15, leave. I know this sounds harsh but people who are late like that are often very self centered. And in general people will take as much as they know they can get. Another thing I have tried...with a friend who simply suffered from poor planning skills, she truly wasn't meaning to be inconsiderate. If we made plans..I would pick a time and knowing she would be 30 minutes late I would make the reservation 30 minutes after the time we picked and I wouldn't get there till 30 minutes late. She would apologize profusely for being late..but little did she know. I wouldn't have gone to this trouble for most people but this person just truly could not get it together and was in no way trying to disregard my time or feelings. Hope some of these help. They have worked for me...I too get very peeved at late people. Good Luck!

Hello M.,

Well, I saw how many people wrote in and described their tendency to be chronically late. I used to be that way, occasionally slip up now days, however there was a central wake up call I got, which shook me out of denial.

THis is a little long, it's about how I kicked the late habit, and I hope this can help others, and if it doesn’t help, please ignore it. It sure worked for me, and I hope it can work for you.

When I was chronically late, I felt it was ok, it was just the way I am, everybody obviously understood because nobody said anything about it but an occasional jibe or joke. But somehow they were never late. How did they do that, and how could I do that? Was there something I needed to fix?

I made all the usual excuses, always just one more thing to do at home, before I left which turned into 20 more things to do at home before I left, you know the story from those chronic late people who can’t seem to focus and get themselves to appointments on time. It sure seemed like obsessive compulsive symptoms (OCD). yup, that''s me.

I looked at being late as a habit, a bad one, bordering on an addiction, but not a fatal flaw. Then I questioned myself like so many other dysfunctional things I learned in my childhood, and I looked around for confirmation that a little late was ok and people should just tolerate it, and I should just shrug my shoulders and make excuses and not sweat it.

Then I said to myself – what if it isn’t ok, what if there are bigger costs, because face it, M., the people you respect don’t’ arrive late, what do they know that you don’t know?

So I took a hard look, objectively with a commitment to compare hard facts - what is the cost of this habit, and what other habits is this comparable to? I said “if this is a bad habit, how bad is it? What other habits is it like?

So I started listing bad habits to find out where my lateness landed in frequency and consequences (by the way, that’s what risk is - frequency of something happening, and the consequences it brings)

I made lists of bad habits and addictions to compare and see which ones were similar: I listed some habits, which I thought were nothing like being a little bit late to everything. - stealing, lying, smoking, laziness, bankruptcy, messiness, alcohol, lots of negative things, and sorted out what was acceptable, what was plain old wrong to do, and which were similar and what was different.

I compared every one of them, and decided to choose whichever was the most like it. Stealing was close to being late, but not the most simillar one to my lateness consequences.

Here’s what I concluded, and it made all the difference:

: Lateness takes away from several things, your time with others, and your peace of mind, your self image, and your self respect. The closest I got was smoking – it definitely takes away from your time on earth, as well as your health. Lateness took away some of my peace of mind, my mental health, and from my time with my friends and from my getting my goals accomplished (working out, planning windmills-different story) etc)

(By the way, lateness also takes away from your financial health for those situations where you get billed for late appointment arrivals and chronic lateness on the job to start work and to get to meetings on time. Your appraisals show it, and people look down their nose at you (but not to your face) - the way you spot it is notice that THEY ALL get t meetings 3 to 5 minutes early. You don’t. when you get there early, they look down their noses at whoever comes in late. HEY, WAKE UP. When I come in late, they are irritated.) – but I let the financial aspects go because I found a much more important situation:

You saw above where lateness takes away from your time with others, your peace of mind, your self image and your self respect? Well guess what.

It suddenly hit me - Lateness is like smoking around other people, non-smokers, you get them affected too! People who smoke aren’t’ the only ones who get ill; the ones around them get sick too from their smoke. Second hand smoke causes the same things around the smokers. Same with lateness. Second hand lateness causes the same things, and I was responsible for that secondhand consequences – for taking away others time with me, for taking away others peace of mind, self images, and self respect - Lateness was a big deal, and the effects were NOT just happening to me, I was responsible for causing second hand lateness effects on others while they waited for me and then expected them to blow it off that they had respected me enough to get there on time and I didn’t’ do that in return for respect for their time.

So I got smart and stopped taking my excuses for being late. I looked in the mirror “you messed up on that lateness excusee stuff, M., kick that late habit, figure out the simplest ways and just do them now.”

I realized that I had been trained to be late when I was a kid, so I had to use tools to keep from being late to undo the habits, I didn’t’ just get raised in an on-time household,

My household became an on time household, and my life became an on-time life (but not obsessed; I just keep life as simple as possible, follow lists, don’t make many commitments and I choose which ones are really important enough to make, what value occurs from that appointment, and say NO to many of them instead of packing one more thing into a schedule that is already challenged by my habits I must focus to transcend.

I was also OCD, so I need lists and routines and schedules and a box of my stuff right by the door so I don’t leave things all around the house that need to go to the car with me to the appointment. – that compensated for the “check that I turned off the iron” issue.

Here’s some of what I did, different things work for different people, but FIRST, there’s a decision to make, that I am a person who is on time, and I do what it takes to be on time, or 5 minutes early. PERIOD. It’s as important as stopping smoking, for the time and respect it returns to my life.

I tried lots of things, these are what worked for me:

A short background:
I was chronically late, raised in a late late-disrespect household and got punished when I was waiting by the door or helping my sisters be on time despite my mom’s late - ways – just weird sometimes. had to get over that, I am an adult, it's time to just take action and make a new habit stick with repetition.

So here's what I do to get myself on time and respectful of others time:
If I am leaving the house on odd schedule items, I combine them if I can. I run any of my errands on Tuesdays (local in town) and Thursdays (any more remote). I very seldom make changes to my routine schedule promises (once or twice a week).
I block out my calendar (located on the desk, always there, never moves) for the prior 90 minutes to ONLY be used to get ready and travel, and I write down when it' time to roll out the driveway/parking lot to get there. – AND I write down when it’s time to leave the restaurant or wherever, if I was abandoned by a late person and it’s time for the appointment to be over. More on being abandoned by a late friend later below -
That roll-out-the-driveway time is where I back up the 90 minutes, and I start there knowing that if I am early, I have a couple small chores (VERY DANGEROUS TO DO THIS< USUALLY MAKES ME LATE, so usually I just go over my errand list, take a deep breath, imagine I am on my errands, enjoing myself and getting each errand done with whatever I need, (helps if I bring the letters to the Post Office to mail them, leaving them home won't work well) happy and effective, and to verify I have everything I need in the box for the 3rd time, or I can just leave early and start a letter or book or knit there while I wait.

I have a checklist for whenever I go out the door that starts 30 minutes before time to roll, usually only takes 15 minutes, and I include taking my knitting, a letter to write, in case I am early or abandoned by a late person. The checklist is taped on the wall by the door, takes me through all the OCD stuff in a methodical way (turn off the stove, have keys and driver's license, etc).

Now here’s the secret for my OCD - I take the prior afternoon and make sure I select my clothes to wear if it’s not routine casual wear, and also to put everything I need for the meeting or coffee in a box by the door so I am not thrashing around finding things at the last minute when I need to be walking calmly out the door with my box (with letter writing, banking items, knitting, cell phone, camera, pen and paper, purse etc. to put in the car which has everything in it.

If the person doesn’t show up, I make sure I have brought along whatever it takes to be content and have an appointment with myself. (more later)

Because I have written down when it’s time to leave if that person had shown up, I leave then, period, even if they are pulling into the parking lot. I can schedule a cup of coffee with that person on the next week, same day of the week (Tuesday or Thursday), when I do errands out that way. That keeps me on schedule for the rest of the day, and saves time, gas and self respect.

For chronically late friends: When its time for a date with her, before I make an appointment, I decide I will also have the option to enjoy that date with myself (or the rest of our girlfriends) and her presence is nice, but not required for me to enjoy the time out. When the window of time to meet and enjoy her company is over, I leave, also calling her on cell phone letting her know that I am sorry she has been delayed, but I have to go, it was a wonderful time, too bad you missed it, hope you are doing ok and not sick, but I have not heard from you so wanted to check in.

While she is not there (note I did NOT say "while I am waiting for her") I enjoy my time as if she had not been a consideration. (I write a letter, read a book in a beautiful garden where we planned to meet), etc.
Very Important:
I NEVER make plans with a late person where I am captive, have to stay by the door of a museum or restaurant uncomfortable and waiting and can't go anywhere because I am waiting for her. - I always have a plan B (and make sure she knows where I'll be but not necessarily why I'll be there), to do for when she / he is not there (knitting, reading, etc).

When we make the date, I say something like "I always go to the garden out on 1st st, you can come over and visit with me while I am enjoying ....(whatever) and we can catch up with each other" so if she doesn't make it, my time is still used in a valuable way. Same for the gym, going walking on the beach, etc. She can drive along the beach and see me, and meet me and walk on the way back if she is late. I'll drive her to her car once we are at the parking lot where we were going to meet. Then I DON"T make a new change then to go have dinner with her if that was not in the plan and she has finally arrived. – That would reward her for being late.
It takes some confidence to draw the line that you will have a rewarding time if she is there or not, I don't rub it in that she is unnecessary, but at the same time, I know my time will be wonderful, with her there or not. then I write an email or call to let her know how wonderful it was, and just ignore her excuses and recommend she work on being able to meet me when we agree and we can enjoy our time catching up.
And -
Every weekend Saturday (or Sunday if it rains/snows) I check the cars to make sure they are oil full, tires right pressure, clean, tank full, trunk empty (no frozen soft drinks left in them to mess things up when they thaw, etc, boxes out in case I left them.) so I am not late for my commitments and errands the next week.

Nightly I check for the DAY AFTER TOMORROW so I can look forward to have the tomorrow (afternoon prior)time to get my box(es) (with knitting, calendar, bank items, drycleaners, mail, etc) ready for each appointment and errand run.
A little focused and intense, but worth it because I choose what to do with my time and the attitude of my worth and worth of others, instead of what I was taught as a child.
This is how I stop the second hand lateness from harming the people I respect, and I have gotten my own self respect much higher as a result.

if it works, please use it. if not, please ignore it. It works for me, so I thought I'd share.

Hope this has helped, - M.

My mother has almost always been late. She was late so much when I was a kid, that I hate being late for ANYTHING! I was almost always the last kid to be picked up from events.

I feel that being late is disrespectful. It aggrivates me when the weather is bad and people are late for work. They know the weather is bad.....LEAVE EARLY!

Someone could give me a window of 2 to 2:30 and if I am not there at 1:55 I freak out. My husband has helped me a little with it (since he was perpetually late before we got together), but I still have some issues. Anyway, I am not writing to talk about one of my many issies.

So, with my mother, we usually fib and tell her the start time is about 1/2 - 1 hour before. I know it is lying, but it works. If I can't do that, then I call her before she should be leaving her house to see if she is on time. That way I can guage when she will be there. Now, I have a cousin that is usually a couple of hours late for everything. She is hopeless, but I love her anyway. haha

As long as your friend is aware of her time management issue, you can always call her before the "event" and see where she is and when she will be there. That way you won't be waiting on her. If she will be late, you can run an errand before you meet her.

Obviously she is a good friend besides her flaws or you would have dumped her a long time ago, so the only thing you can do is try to work around her.

Good Luck!

We must have the same friend! Unfortunately, you're not going to change this behavior in your friend, no matter what you say to her. The solution that I've come up with for my chronically-late friend is to TELL her that our plans are actually for 30 or 40 minutes BEFORE the actual plan. That way, she can continue to think that she is pushing the limits of time but she's not actually inconveniencing me. I know, it's not the ideal solution, but it works for me. Now I'm only left waiting 5 or 10 minutes instead of 40. Good luck.

I agree with the few people that say "if you were important to her, she'd be there". It may only be a lunch date, but your time is just as important to you as her's is to her. If she had any respect for that, she would be on time or at least not as late. 10-15 min. is one thing, but anything more than that is unacceptable. Tell her that if she's not going to at least make an effort to see that, either you won't see her at all, or you will leave. Maybe calling her about 10 min or so before you are to meet might help. But, she sounds like a person who is just chronicly late and will never change. Giving her a dose of her own medicine might help, but I doubt it.
As far as remaining her friend, do it. Unfortunately, it just means that she is someone that you can't count on. Maybe if she also knew that, she might make a bigger effort. Stop making dates with her and just see her occasionally. Make her see that you're serious.

I had a friend who was always late...by hours. I thought it was very rude and told her that when I plan on spending time with her I had to get a sitter for my son, which I paid for. At the time I was a single mom on 1 income. I would plan on her being an hour late and she would be later still. Eventually it caused so much friction, I decided that her friendship was not worth all the problems and we are no longer friends. I would just be up front with your friend and tell her that since you have kids now, your time away with adults is important and that you are sacraficing time wtth your family to spend with her that she need to take it more seriously.

Hi, M.!

Looks like this really struck a nerve with a LOT of women. So, of course, I want to add my 2 cents worth! I experienced the exact same situation with a good friend of mine. I was the chronically tardy one; she was you. At most, I was never more than 30 minutes late if we were meeting at her house, and never more than 10-15 minutes late if we were meeting elsewhere. I agree with most people that an hour is WAY too long.

Cut to the chase: she confronted me, with the very same points you made. I got defensive; mainly because I knew I had no real excuse, also because of embarrassment, but also because it had never occured to me that she might be feeling hurt or resentful or taken for granted. I had just grown up that way. My mom always was --and still is-- late for every single thing under the sun. (Including photos for my wedding, and the photographer got irritated.)

It helped that she confronted me. It was awkward for a while. I avoided her for a while to lick my wounds. Then our friendship got better. I have made a point of changing that behavior --at least with her. It doesn't mean I'll never legitimately run late on occasion, but it does mean that it is no longer the norm.

Maybe this is too nosy, but I was curious to know how you ultimately decided to handle it? If you care to share, I'm sure lots of us would love to know! If not, that's completely understandable, too!

Take care-
T.

This would drive me nuts! LOL Next time, I would remind her you have something to do at such and such time....if she isn't there, you'll have to leave because you have other obligations. And, then do so when she is late! I have heard some people who tell people like this an hour later then they really want to meet so that they will be closer to the time. But, this won't help her any. She needs to understand that she really is imposing on your time...and others as I doubt that you are the only one! Stand firm, but hopefully after a few times of realizing what a bind this puts you in, she'll make a more conscious effort.

Good luck!!

I have had a similar problem in the past as you are describing. Here were my solutions:

First, when we met "outside" (restaurant, play date with all the kids, etc.) and had an agreed-upon time (we will meet from 12 - 1 because I have to be back at work at one)...I would get a table, wait 10 minutes, order my food, eat, and when she arrived with 5 minutes of my lunch break to go, I gave her a hug, told her I was terribly sorry, but couldn't stay for lunch. It was embarasing for her, but made my point. I also had to do this one time when we met at chuckie cheese with the kids. We were meeting noon - 2. I got there a little before noon and did order for me and my kids...we ate and played..she arrived at almost 1:15....then at 2:00, I grabbed my girls and left...she was hurt....but I did the same thing, gave her a hug, told her it was nice seeing her, said I was sorry I had to leave and then left.

This only happened a couple times. My remedy and solution to this day? If she calls and wants to "hook up" I invite her over to my house on a day I know that I don't have anything going on (maybe cleaning, etc....normal "house" things on a Saturday) then I just am there. If she says she will stop by at 2 and it's 3...no biggie 'cause I'm doing things I would normally do on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. If she says she is stopping by and doesn't even come by..(yes, this has happened) I'm not disappointed because I'm still home with family, enjoying my children, getting things done around the house. MY time is not disrupted.

If we are doing a "girl's night out" we just tell her to "meet us at Road house at 6" and if she is late, she is the one who misses out on the great girl conversation. We just accept it and welcome her when she gets there.

I'm sorry for the long answer....just had to clarify.

Good Luck. It's a tough one.

Dear M.,I have had to deal with such behavior in the past.I developed a theory that people who are habitually late are selfish.That is to say that if they cared about you enough they would put you first.And get everything prepared the night before to get where they need to on time.
I have 4 kids,and when they were little,I was scattered all over the place.I had all my children by the timeI was 24.I was late all the time,but my children are grown so I have learned to be more responsible.(I also love yoga)..

Hello,
I generally will give people 10 to 15 minute leeways to compensate for traffic and what not. However in todays world of technology there is no excuse for a prompt call to say I am running late. I have also learned that if a person knows they cannot make it do not agree to meet. I also will let friends know that having grown up in a family with a chronically late father that I never enjoyed having to wait to be picked up, or having him miss an important part of my life. Time management is a personal choice and style, but valuing your friend or loved one is important also. It sounds like your friend may just take you for granted in knowing you will wait, and doesn't appreciate the fact that you also have an agenda of expectations for yourself. I would let her know that her lateness can hurt your feelings and that it can show she perhaps doesn't truly value your friendship. It is never rude to be honest as long as you state it in an friendly fashion. Good luck.

Out of all the responses so far, I am distressed to see how many people said, "just LIE!!" I wonder if this is the same advice they would give their children in coping with a difficult friend. Lying is simply avoidance instead of solving the problem. All you have to do is tell your "friend" that you'll wait 10 minutes, max, and then you will be leaving or starting without her. Then do exactly that. She will either make it or not. Either way, it's on her. She obviously thinks her time is much more important than yours, which isn't part of the definition of a true friend.

Friendship is a give and take situation. If you are doing all the giving, she is not really your friend. Does she set up these lunches or do you? I would wait until she called me before meeting with her again.
If she calls and sets up a lunch, let her know if she is not there by say 12:10 (agreed upon time 12:00) then you will be leaving and grabbing lunch on your own. Or, go ahead and order your lunch, eat and if she does not show, just leave. If she does show, leave at 1:00, or the allowed one hour of time.
If she calls and says she will be 20 minutes late, let her know you are ordering yours and you will be leaving at 1:00 as you have things you need to get done.
If she cares about you she will make time. If not, there are plenty of other people out there that would love to have a friend to meet for lunch.

I have a problem with being late, but only by a few minutes [stems from another issue of not being able to find what I need to get out the door]. When I am unusually late [more than 1/2 hour] it is due to the fact that my husband is always terribly late to everything. It has been suggested that we take two cars to the airport so we do not miss a flight (again). We have actually missed a family christening and been late to several weddings. The problem is not usually about the tardiness, but other issues: Does she value your time the way she does her own? Can you plan to meet her when you do not have the time constraints, such as getting other errands completed? Is the lateness due to trying to fit in too much or is she just not a person who plans. My husband is the last one and no amount of me wanting to change that will change it. I now take two cars when it is important to be on time and he deals with the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of missing his daughter's only part in a play, or chorus or whatever. One other solution is to stay the amount of time you have set aside - order lunch when the menu arrives and if you are finishing eating lunch by the time she arrives, she will either try harder next time or your friendship did not mean as much to her as it did to you. Don't get me wrong - occassional lateness happens to all of us, but not more than a half hour or hour as described above.

I know this is a little late, but I wanted to play "devil's Advocate" for your friend. She might have ADD or she might not be able to say no. If she has ADD she gets sidetracked easily and can forget to watch the clock. If she cant say NO then she might be trying to please too many people and over schedule her time.
One solution is to call her at the time she should be leaving her home and ask her if she left yet. Stay on the phone until she has left. Also plan on her being 30 minutes late and make your appointment for later. The next time she is late ask her why. Make her give you details, not apologies. Try to figure out what causes her to be late and help her change.

First, when you can, tell her you want to meet about 30-45 minutes BEFORE you actually need/want to. THEN, you need to tell her, "I"m only going to wait until 3:30" or whatever and then tell her you CAN'T wait any longer. You have other things on your schedule. SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE or THING you have on your agenda.

Maybe if you waited and left her (call her and let her know) she might make a bit more effort next time. An HOUR is absolutely ridiculous and rude. Unless she's tied up in traffic where there's been an accident and she couldn't get thru, there IS no excuse for this kind of behavior.

Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned? Maybe she thinks ONLY of herself!

Don't take it personally. late people are ALWAYS late. I have a couple of late friends. it is just part of who they are. if you want to be friends you have to accept it like they accept everything about you. I have found that they don't plan to be late, they just think they can get more done in a space of time than they really can. L.

Just a note of analysis: My mother always made us run late. It was the only 'power' she had, I guess. She never drove, upon marriage (in 1944) she was moved from the very center (right in the crossroads) of a little community to a 'backwoods' home (and I mean BACK WOODS) to live with her in-laws, she bore 4 children (I'm the baby and I'm 51 -- born when she was 38), and she was a self-proclaimed perfectionist. I've studied personality/temperament types, and I still can't decide if she was truly a melancholy (a place for everything and everything in its place), or a sanguine (happy-go-lucky, life is a fun adventure), and these are opposite temperaments. I think she was raised with so much criticism that she was a critic herself. I am chronically late (usually <5 min), both from having been 'taught' to be and because of my temperament (I'm a sanguine; -- nothing is very serious to me except my own feelings), and as a control measure (I'm also part choleric -- control freak). Low self esteem also plays a part in this (the phlegmatic personality -- don't make waves, keep the peace). I would almost bet that you're a melancholy, so this abberation from your expectations is particularly irritating to you as melancholies are 'spot-on' with everything.

Hope this helps you understand a little more. I don't have any suggestions as to how to handle your friend unless my note helps you understand better where she's coming from. It's an individual 'case-by-case' remedy.

Well, I gotta get to work . . . running late! LOL (Well, not yet, but I wanted to respond).

God bless U!

I know everyone is telling you to fib about the meeting times, but I don't think that is going to make a point or help to change her behavior. In my opinion, if telling her an earlier time will get her to arrive at the correct time, then there really is no reason (besides her lack of consideration) for her to not be able to show up on time when she is told the correct time.

What I think you should do is tell her that you'll wait no more than 15 minutes and then you're going to leave. Tell her there won't be any hard feelings if she doesn't make it before you leave, but say that if you wanted to dine (shop, or whatever your plans were) alone, then you wouldn't have invited her to begin with. People take advantage of you for as long as YOU let them. If you put your foot down and make it known that you will not wait endlessly for her, then she'll put in the effort to be on time. And if she doesn't, then you know where your friendship stands with her.

It really is frustrating when people have no respect for you or your time. My sister-in-law is EXACTLY like that. She thinks the world revolves around her and has always been late for EVERYTHING. She was even 2 HOURS late getting to the hospital when her father was on his deathbed and wanted to share his last wishes with her and her brothers. It is nothing short of disgusting. Of course, her being my in-law, I keep my mouth shut. But I have had to put my foot down with certain friends and it has always worked out well.

I wish you the best!
A.

I saw this thread after the summary was posted, but wanted to add another suggestion which I didn't see. I also have a perpetually late friend, but she's a great person and friend, and doesn't treat me poorly in any way - there's just the tardiness issue - so I learned early on not to take it personally and to work around her habit.

I play tennis with this friend. It's part of tennis etiquette that a solo person cannot "reserve" a court - if two people show up needing a court, and your partner hasn't shown up yet, you yield the court to them. I had to give up courts a number of times because my friend was running late, which made me grumpy (courts are at a premium out here on days with great weather and often we'd have to drive to another set of courts across town).

My solution - I just have her phone me as she's leaving her house. Or I initiate the calls by phoning her and telling her I'm ready to walk out the door, and asking her if she's ready; if she is, great, and if she's not, I ask her to call me when she is walking out the door (gotta love those cell phones). It's not perfect, but it's a lot better than not knowing when she's going to show up. If I'm already out running errands, I just tell her I'll squeeze in a couple more until she's ready to roll.

Hi M.,
maybe next time she call saying she's on her way, tell her that you're really sorry but had another place you have to be after meeting with her and so you won't be able to meet with her anymore; I'm sure after 2 or 3 times of this she would get the message or will ask you why are you doing this, so you can tell her.
Or, if you don't mind been direct, just tell her that her delays makes you feel like she doesn't care about your time and anything else you stop doing because you want to see her.
Good luck!

I am perpetually late to everything. I was terrified that I would never be on time to anything. It wasn't until I found some drive in my life and with my job you have to be on time that I realized I CAN be on time. I grew up with ADD and I have been told by a psychologist that I have mostly outgrown it, but he guessed that I was always late to everything. I would be crushed if someone exed me as a friend over it when I truly do try my best. For me an ultimatum works best. I have had friends and family lie to me about the time, and subconsciously once I figure out that they do that I start to get even later. It may be subconscious for her too. But if it is not an option to be late, I will be on time. I had a class that they had a quiz in the first 5 mins every class, and sometimes I would barely get there on time by a few seconds with me racing up the stairs, I was still on time. A few of my sisters have given me the meet me at this time or we're leaving without you deal and that works the best for me.
I am slowly and surely getting better. And work on it all the time!

I know you've heard many responses already but I just had to add one more if you can stand it...
I was always 15 or 20 minutes late too. (An hour is a bit much though!) It cost me several jobs and probably friendships. My mom even shared the fact that I was born 2 weeks late. I always had the feeling that I could never "catch up". One day I came across a quote that read "She was always late on principal. Her principal being that punctuality is the thief of time." I thought THAT totally described it! I always tried to accomplish just one more thing before I was supposed to be wherever. Then I was late. Maybe there was a little selfishness going on too, because that 1 more accomplished thing was usually for me. Then I discovered Tough Love and remorse. My husband, who is normally mild, blew his stack on me about me making him late all the time. He really let me have it! Needless to say, I never knew it bothered him that much and I was crushed. I felt horrible. When you feel bad about something, like being late, you have to experience "consequences." Otherwise you'll just keep repeating the bad behavior. (My consequence was his disappointment in me.) So I think you should tell your friend how much it bothers you. You probably don't have to freak out on her, but a little might help. And do go ahead and leave after waiting awhile. If she calls, just say sorry- I'm already heading home. Or I've made other plans. But I don't think you should lie and alter the time. She'll either make a point of being on time for you, or she may be so embarrassed that she won't make as many plans with you. If she chooses the latter- I'm sure you have plenty of other friends, or potential new friends, that would enjoy your extra time. Chances are she'll remember (or KNOW) why you aren't such good friends anymore. Sometimes we're not always friends for life with people. And that's ok. But we do learn something from everyone that comes into our life. And this could be her valuable lesson.
Best wishes...

M. I've had a friend and a relative both that we're habitually 30-60 min. late for everything. I have one now who seems to be 20 plus min. to everything not work related. Not alot of people seem to care about puncuality any more. I'm habitually 10-15 min early. I tried telling them, joking with them, everything and nothing worked. I soved my problem by telling them to be there 1 hr. before our actual meeting time. If lunch is at 12 tell them 11. Dinner pary at 5, tell them dinner party at 4. It sounds mean but its about the only thing that works. At least for me. Good luck.

M.

Accordingly to Dr. Phil, if they are late every time then they are doing it on purpose and they are getting some type of a benefit by making people wait for them. When people don't value
being on time, then they end of being late about 50% of the time. If you are ready to end the friendhship, then leave when she is late. If she has other attributes that make up for her tardiness then if you need to meet for lunch at 1pm then tell her 12:30. then she will arrive on time. I know, you are playing games with the clock but it's your decision

I think her tardiness is excessive. This friend is rude and self-absorbed. I don't blame you for being resentful. It sounds like you have shared your feelings. Beyond that, the only thing I can think of is to leave if she is more than 15 minutes late. Let her know in advance that your time is valuable, and that while you enjoy her company, her habitual, excessive lateness causes problems for you, and you just don't have that much extra time to spare. Tell her that you will be able to wait 15 minutes for her, and then you will have to leave. Make sure you follow through. And if this doesn't have an effect, you may have to let the friendship fade. You won't enjoy her friendship if you are harboring resentments. She continues this behavior because you allow it. So control what part of it you can control, which is only your own actions. Good luck!

I am curious to hear reponses. I have had two friends like this. I just reconnected with one friend after 8 years. I had to cut ties with her. I internalized her lateness as not respected me enough. She was so fun and we had a great time but enough was enough. Another friend I have known for 2 years and I am on a break from her right now. Their lateness just was too much along with other things that frustrated me.

What had happened is that they did not respect me enough with time schedules and then I saw that they did not respect me enough with other things.

Being late is one of my biggest pet peeves! And not calling..that's just plain rude. I would just tell her that you can't go anywhere or do anything with her unless she will be on time. If she's late, leave and go about your business. I know it sounds harsh and really mean, but I think that chronically late people are selfish. I mean, do they think no one's time is valuable but theirs? Come on! We all have things to do!!!!

Dear M.,
I would explain to her your frustration when you are not in that situation. Tell her that it shows that she is not considerate of others when she does this. Make it a point that next time you meet on an agreed time, you will wait no longer than 5-10 min. If she is not there, then you will leave. Tell her that you don't want her to call to tell you that she is running late.
Obviously she can't plan her time wisely. Maybe you can help her in that area. You could give her some advice about how you manage your time. If she sees that you care maybe she will try much harder in trying to meet you on time. L. J

I would suggest that knowing her patterns maybe when you want to go out - tell her that you want to meet 45 minutes prior to the actual time you want to meet. Then she'd be on time.

Sorry this response is so late, but I couldn't resist chiming in too. LOL we all either know this person or are this person, or both!

Growing up, my mother was that chronically late person, I hated it, and for awhile was bound and determined to be ON TIME for everything. This is easy on your own but when you add a significant other or child into the mix becomes more difficult. The only thing my mom is on time for is her hair appointment. Her hairdresser works for herself, without others and will cancel my mom's appointment if she is 5 minutes late. (so it is possible to make little changes in people)

I'm fairly punctual, except with family events (at someone's house), but they all have "flexible" start times due to this trait.

My brother has since married a woman far tardier than my mom ever was. Perpetual lateness is infuriating, but the people running late really are unaware how disrespectful it is to the person stuck waiting. Although it is funny that when the late person is stuck waiting, they tend to feel the person they're waiting on is really bad - afterall, "even I made it here, what happened to them?"

If we could only have perfect friends or perfect relationships with anyone period this world would be a better place. If you think her friendship is worth it then just consider it as part of her and plan for her to be late. As the others said tell her a time earlier than you plan to be there and when you meet with her make sure your schedule is not too tight and expect her to be late so you are not POed when she does show up. I am ALWAYs late and believe me I always TRY to be on time it just seems like time is against me. I guess I am just not an organized stay on task kind of person but that is who I am. I think I have other good qualities that make up for my scatter brained lateness (that got worse after having babies).

Hi there,
I see you have already had many responses here but I had to give my 2 cents. I am a late person too but more like 2-10 minutes and I am working on it!( I am late now about 50% of the time now as opposed to most of the time!). My problem is more of a time estimate problem but enough about me! I wanted to say that an hour is not cool at all and really is not a good sign. What does your gut tell you about this? Is she a great friend otherwise? Does she return calls and e-mails etc? This is about control, she is controlling the situation when she is late! I read your rsponse and I like what you said about the 15 min, because thing's do happen! But if you actually don't wait and just say to her the next time you had another appointment and had to leave! That would just be logic and not mean or anything like that!

Looking at all of the advice I would say that the answer lies somewhere within all of these. As a chronic late person, I have found that I too have the ability to be on time. When I tell myself that I have the ability to be on time, and I make the preparations to be on time then I usually can do so. I have also had to receive treatments for psychiatric conditions such as obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety/panic disorder. As far as the advice that you are receiving, I think that setting your boundaries is very important. I think that it is very important not to be judgmental and to let your friend know what your boundaries are. Seeing the consequences of my lateness gives me great impetus to push myself to get out the door and get to where I need to be on time. It does not have to be all or nothing. Take it one day at a time. We are all capable of change.

K.

Unfortunately I am one of those people... ever since having children I have not been on time for anything! Sadly I have done that many times... not usally important things but get togethers on the weekends. I know its inconsiderate and I really really try...but always seem to be a half hour late. You could be late a few times to something to prove a point? That might show her what its like to have to wait and be inconvenicenced. Sometimes it just takes a reversed role to really see the stress it can cause.

I hate to say, but the majority of my family has the same annoying problem (myself included.) What we have learned to do is if the party is actually at 3:00, tell the habitual late ones that the party actually starts an hour or so earlier than we are expecting the party to begin. Since beginning this "tradition" we have cut the lateness down a little, but still expect that it will always be delayed for some amount of time. If the habitual offender is still late, we just begin without them. Since we have addressed the situation up front, they know what to expect. Get there on time, or be left out for the beginning of the festivities.

I have a friend like that and I just leave without her or change my plans around. My time is valuable and now with a small child waiting around just isn't something I can do. I'll either meet her somewhere or do things where I have to go to her place so she has no choice but to be there. I figure I can control how I react to the tardiness. I've mentioned it to her and she still keeps doing it so it's something that is chronic and clearly a part of who she is. So I'd suggest you have her meet with you on your terms because your time is just as valuable and if she's truly a friend, she should be willing to adapt.

I have always had a problem with being late. Grew up with an always late Mom. Don't have anything to say except maybe I can find some help for me here.

I understand your frustration but on the other hand good friends are hard to find. We have a few in our family who are constantly late for gatherings and we just tell them we are meeting a 1/2 hour to an hour before we plan on eating. That way they show up in time for the meal. Would something like that work? I know it is disrespectful when people are continually late. I guess ultimately you have to decide if the friendship is worth the hassle and stress. Good luck.

My step Mother is like that but never apologises so we "The Family" have started telling her an hour earlier than when we really want to meet with her. Now she is usually on time.

I have to admit.. I am the same way as far as being late!I am always late and some a couple of my friends complain too! But I have 4 children and sooo much on my plate so time is my enemy most of the time! I can understand how frustrating and inconsiderate it is, I do! especially because I am always late and I have the nerve to be very impatient too! my friends usually just give me an earlier time for things because they already figure that i will be late!

I to have a friend who is always late. In fact it was rather endearing when even her wedding started 20 min. late. We just started smudging the truth about what time things started. The movie is starting at 2:00 tell her 1:30. but don't always make it half an hour early, vary the times or she will figure it out.

One idea- Next time you make plans to meet her somewhere, plan to arrive 1 hour past the time you all agreed upon. That way, you are not left sitting and waiting- and if she arrives on time and has to wait, she can begin to understand what she has put you through. If she continues to be late, then you can just continue the pattern of planning your time around things beginning 1 hour past when you both actually agreed to meet. Otherwise, I think you just need to decline invitations to meet her at all and be honest with her about why.

just an idea... set a time to meet with her and then show up extremely late... just see what her reaction is... it will open up a door to discuss it in great detail. she obviously doesn't know how you really feel. so talk about it, and if she's a great friend, help her with steps in the right direction... steps to avoid being late.

I have to chime in on this one!
I have a couple of family members who are always late. One, I just don't make dates with anymore except to invite her to my home. "I'm cooking a pot roast Monday. Can you come for dinner?" Pot raost keeps, I can pay bills, watch TV, catch up on calls to other friends etc. If she doesn't show at a reasonable time I eat without her and tell myself my feelings aren't hurt. This friend is my only sister, but th ploy should work with anyone you love and want to see.

The other is my youngest son who is always late for Christmas, Thanksgiving etc no matter what time we tell him! So we always ask him to bring dessert and if he is not here we start without him. I hope that as his little boys get older they will insist on getting to grandmas before it is all over!!!!

While I certainly would not consider my brother in law my friend he's the one to take the cake here. He like your friend is always late. I stopped inviting him and now he lives out of state so it's no longer an issue. What you could do id arrange to meet your friend early enough but leave her standing. Maybe if you interupted her day then she would understand. Say we'll meet at 11 for lunch and you don't show up until 1. If she calles you to see what's up either don't answer the phone or say your 5 minutes away. And still make her wait 20 minutes or so. When she complains then say now you know how I feel when your late. 2 wrongs don't make a right but sometimes you have to lower yourself to their terms to be understood.

I understand she is fun, and caring , Etc, but it seems to me that she don't care about you, I would say, look, you are a good friend but I'm feeling that you don't care about me or my time, so we can do everything with each other, but your going to have to find another way to get to placs, I can not pick you up again, I just hope we can still be friends, but there are things I have to do and with you being late all the time I can not do it. If she gets mad then she's not a friend,maybe if you say something to her this will stop.

You are a very busy person and time is precious. Obviously, she doesn't respect you. Being tardy was a pet peeve of mine, until recently since I had a baby. But come on, an hour? Like the other responses, set the time an hour earlier. No need to talk to her. If that doesn't help, I am sure there are a lot of other women out there that would love to be your friend.

Remember, we cannot change anyone's behavior but our own.
So, I would advise you to tell her that if she is not there within 15 minutes of the set time that you will go on about your errands and/or shopping or whatever it is you must do.
Then DO it!
See how that works.
Apparently everyone lets her get away with this so she has no reason to change her behavior.
If she calls within the 15 min. to tell you she is going to be late, extend for another 15 if you want to but that is all.
If she is not there, LEAVE.
I am sure that you have more important things to do than be at her disposal like this.
This is just downright rude and disrespectful.
If it happens once in a while it is one thing but this has gone way beyond that.

Whenever you want to meet her tell her 1 to 2 hours ahead of when you will be there. That way you arent incovenced and if she ever is on time then she can wait for you.

Just to offer an alternate perspective... I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which means that I am compelled to "check" everything before leaving the house, every time I leave the house. This results in my being late by anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour depending on how stressed and anxious I feel that day. I almost never tell people I'm late because I was checking the stove (really staring at the stove for 20 minutes) or had to check that the closet lights were all turned off 3 or 4 times each. That said, I'm not usually an hour late to meeting friends (but often 20 to 30 minutes late). Sometimes I am an hour late for work though. In your email the situation seems to be all about you - as in the friend does not value your time, etc. That may not be the case at all. She just may have a disability that really affects her being able to keep on-time appointments - especially when she knows it's not something like a dentist appointment where the appointment will get canceled. I don't know if this is your friend's issue or not. I'm just saying that there can be reasons for being late that are not a direct comment on how much someone does or does not value your time. However, if I am running late I usually do call. But the pattern that you reported in your friend - calling when it's about 20 minutes or so past the meeting time saying she's on the way... that sounds about right. There is an element of denial that goes along with OCD where you think... "ok, I'm out of here now..." then suddenly you are stricken with anxiety and you have to (and I mean you really have to, it's not a choice) do the "checking" or whatever ritual it is that makes you feel better about leaving the house all alone, etc. So you sort of don't come to grips with the situation at hand (friend is waiting for you...) until you have resolved the anxiety. Thus the 20 or 30 minute late phone call. OCD can really affect people's lives like this. My advice to you, is to do what you are comfortable with. If I had a friend like you who said to me - I'll meet you for lunch on Saturday at 12 noon. I know you sometimes run late - so I'll wait till 12:15 but will have to move on with my day if you can't make it by then. I would be fine and totally understand that. I would recommend that approach. Let your friend know you can't really wait. That's totally understandable. But don't blame her for not valuing your time. She probably really does and just has this disability of some kind that she is unable to resolve.

Alternately - if you learn that she is double booking appointments (meeting person A at 11 am, then meeting you at 12 noon) and she is late because she is simply doing too many things - then I would say she does not value your time. I knew someone like that, she even admitted that she double-booked all the time. I stopped hanging out with her.

Depending on how good of friends you are - you might try to have a "heart to heart" talk with her to see if you can figure out why she's always late. But just so you know, I don't usually tell people I'm late because of OCD. BUT - I do manage to do things like get to yoga classes on time. Sometimes it's the less definite starting times (lunch is at 12 but 12:30 is okay...) that make me take longer to get out of the house.

WOW! Lots of responses to this one. Looks like a very good question.

I am always at least 5 min. early. I was raised that way---my parents were that way. Actually, to my mom, being exactly on time, is almost late.

My husband is always late. His whole family is that way. When we visit them, it drives me bananas!

To leave from the house, for example for church, we really need to leave by 9 AM to get to church on time. I tell my husband we have to be leaving by 8:50. For the most part, that works.

If he wants to meet for lunch at 12:30 (I know this means 12:40 or 12:45 "his time"), I take a magazine or a book and read at the table until he arrives. I love yoga, too, so I'll take my Yoga Journal along and be content reading it for a bit.
BUT I also let him know that I need to be leaving the restaurant by "x" time for errands or appt. or whatever it is...so that he is not too late for the start of lunch.

That way, he knows he can run a few minutes late, but if he is TOO late, he is shortening our time spent together.

My suggestion is that you set a time to meet, when she calls you 20 to 30 minutes later to tell you that she is running late, Right then you tell her Ohh sorry that is not going to work for my schedule. Well let set up another meeting for another time. Wow I am really bumbed out because I was really looking forward to this meeting and now we will have to postpone it. Well I will see you on ..... Leave it at that. She will be sorry and she will feel sorry but that is what she should feel and she will understand that her tardiness caused you to feel upset but you were nice about it. The next time do it again and again and as many times as it takes until she understands that you will not meet with her if she thinks that you do not have anything else to do but wait for her. If you are tired of allowing her to treat you that way then do something about it. Outright telling her that what she is doing is interferring with your schedule is only going to open a window for her to give you all of the excuses that you have already heard. If that is what you want then go ahead and wait but if you want to make her start understanding that your time is valuable then set your time and stick to it.

M.,

Thanks! I am "one of those". I always run late by procrastinating because "if I could just finish this one last thing before I get dressed". After reading your request, I realize the little jokes from friends about my tardiness are really inuendos and they are sick of me being late. I am going to try really hard to fix my problem. Thanks for posting!