Teaching an 11 Year Old to Be on Time

I tell my son we need to leave by "x" time how early do you need to get up. Or I'll say how much time do you need to be ready to go.

Last night I told him we need to leave by 9 and I see you're not packed, how much earlier do I need to wake you. Amazingly he was packed in no time and got to sleep to the original time.

I've also used timers and said when the timer goes off you need to ...

My precious mother by love was never ever on time. Her son made a comment one time that his mother was never bothered by the concept of time. Made me laugh out loud. I think we can help them to a degree, but some traits are just that. My sister and dad are chronically late and it used to irritate me. Now I realize they're not going to change and I can be bothered or I can realize it doesn't have to bother me.

Consequences. I don't think that MOST kids innately know how to be on time - meaning that it is largely a learned skill. At 11, this is a perfect age for this, as it also teaches time management, prioritizing, and other important middle school skills.

We used screen time and bed time to "motivate" our kids to be on time. For every minute they were late, we eliminated a minute of screen time or moved up their bedtime the same amount. It really didn't take long before they all were able to fairly effectively manage their time. This led to less tardies at school, more homework turned in on time, etc. as this skill covers so many areas.

Good luck!

Try leaving without him a few times.
And/or - you 'forget' the time and if/when he remembers you say "Well it's too late now. Guess we're not going.".
A natural consequence of not paying attention to the time is - he's going to miss out on things.
It's got to be something that's important to him that he's not going to like missing.

Although - some people never out grow this.
My sister is a chronically late person and will be her whole life.
I'm taking bets she'll be late to her own funeral.
I like to be precisely 10 min early to the appointed arrival time.
If I'm ever late for anything - people think I've died.
People can set their clocks by me and I take pride in that.

By 11, he needs to take more responsibility at home (as you are saying) and at school (teachers expect more).

So, what are his consequences for not being ready? And what is your technique? If you're nagging and reminding (natural), stop. It's not working. He's still counting on your physically dragging him to the door and putting his shoes on him, as if he were 5. Maybe he needs a written list vs. verbal reminders - and that's fine. But he can make it himself. He can get an alarm clock or an alarm watch, and use it.

Leave him behind. He's 11 and can stay alone for an hour or so, at least during the day. If you are heading out for errands or ice cream, he misses out. If you are going out for school supplies, he goes to school without what's on the list, and he doesn't get to tell the teacher that it's your fault. If he forgets his lunch, he can eat what's in his snack bag - he will not die. Or he can spend his own money to buy lunch wherever he is, and do extra chores at home or for neighbors to replenish his own wallet (walk dogs, water flowers when neighbors are away, and so on). If he's not ready for school and he misses the bus, oh well. He can miss the day (and sit in his room, not in front of the TV) or he can get a ride from you when you are good and ready, and he can go in the office for tardy check-in to explain to the principal why he didn't think it was important to get to school. (This worked in 1 try with my son.) If you have him in a summer program that you paid for, and if he doesn't get to it in time, then there's no paid-for program in the fall (or whatever his "currency" is). If you're late for work because of his tardiness, then you tell him your pay was docked and you can't afford XYZ that he wants. If you ran out of time for the dishes or making dinner, then put him in the kitchen and have him call you when dishes are done and dinner is ready. (The first time my son balked at walking the dog while I cooked dinner, he demanded we switch. I said, "Great!" I walked the dog while he tried to figure out how to make simple pasta and sauce with broccoli on the side. I got a lot of respect after that one.)

This is a good start for the school year, too - you will want to stop reminding him to do his homework or remember to take his project to school. Let him get a few points knocked off his grade (it's only middle school!) or have to stay for extra help or detention. Let him have to deal with the teacher himself, without you intervening at all. It works! And actually, it's a life skill that he needs to develop - it's far more than a punishment, and it helps immensely for parents to see it that way. Just like when they learn to walk, we have to let them fall and not hold their hands all the time. When they learn to ride a bike, the time comes to take off the training wheels and let them wobble a bit.

Sit him down, tell him the plan and the consequences. When the situation arises, follow through - do NOT give in to the whining or anything else!

I think it's a bit difficult to discuss this "in the abstract", but basically, you need to decide which is more important: ABC or leaving the house. And, different people will view it differently.

For example - say you've asked him to unload the dishwasher before he gets picked up by the bus for school. If it gets to the last minute, you need to decide which piece to emphasize - "get on the bus" OR "well, you're not leaving til you unload the dishwasher". And each situation will have a different set of related consequences - for him AND for you.

I think 11 is too young to *really* allow him to "fall" - miss school, for example. I think high school is the age where he can truly face consequences (for example, for missing/failing an 8am Calculus exam because he was running late and ended up having to walk to school because he missed the bus). At 11, I think you need to make sure that the important pieces (school, doctors appointments, etc) do get follow through one way or another, and just "punish" him for any annoying lateness in a different way on the side.

I loved B's answer.

Life is a great teacher. Experiencing the consequences of his actions will help him to learn how to be better.

I've left my kids on occasions and they know how to be ready to go as well as how to be somewhere on time without my involvement. Eleven is a perfect age to begin this teaching. Also show him how to use his smart phone smartly if he has one. Phones have timers and alarms and alerts too. These things are all beneficial toward positive time management skills.

We were always very "scheduled".
I didn't tell them more than one thing to do at a time. If we needed to leave in 10 minutes, I'd say, "We need to get going. We only have 10 minutes. We don't want to be late. Put your shoes on now." Then when that was done, I'd say, "Go brush your teeth. We need to leave in a few minutes." Then I'd say, "Get your coats and get in the car. It's time to go."
Pretty soon, I could say, "We need to leave in 10 minutes. Brush your teeth, put your shoes on, and get in the car."
During the school year, they had alarm clocks to get them up. They knew they had to get dressed, make their beds, and get downstairs. If they were late, they went as they were. If their hair wasn't done or they weren't dressed, so be it. There were many mornings they put their shoes on in the car on the way to the bus. They did as much at night to get ready for the morning as they could. Lunchboxes were on the counter ready to be filled. Backpacks were packed and ready to go. Clothes were laid out. Shoes were by the door.
You have to help your child become the planner you want him to be.

I make my son set an alarm on his phone. I let him be responsible for himself and it works! I used to remind him of all he needed to do. Now for most things he remembers. I do still remind him to brush his teeth. But as far as school or getting himself ready to go for some event...he sets and alarm and does it himself. Sometimes I'm not even home....a friend's parent is coming to pick him up and I'm already at work, so he really does have to take responsibility for himself. The last couple years he got himself up each morning, go himself ready for school each day and made his own lunch. He is 13 now. It has been a process. I have noticed that one of his friends still acts like a little kid and is never ready...expects the adults to get his stuff ready...expects the adults to remind him and nag him...even expects the adults to carry his bag! The reason is neither of his parents have made him do things for himself, get ready on his own, make his own lunch or snack, etc. They do things for him! Every time he comes to our house he is surprised when I make him do things for himself. So good job working with your son on this!!

Well, you can't let him "not go to school" because he hasn't done something. He won't care, and the person who will get in trouble with the school is you...

What is his "currency"? What does he enjoy doing the most? Pick several things and take minutes off of all of them when he is late. If you choose just one, like TV time, he won't notice. Use alarms for him to help him figure out how much time he has when you're on your way out the door to go somewhere. You can set several of them without doing all the "controlling". Eventually, you can stop using the alarms.

I would make a list of what he needs to do and write them down BIG on a piece of paper and hand it to him. Write the time you want it done by. Once he understands your system with the clocks, he'll have to manage it himself or suffer the consequences. As time goes on, take more away from him for not getting his work done. Don't yell at him, don't beg him.

He has an executive functioning problem. Google that and you'll come across a ton of resources and ideas. I went to a workshop last year that went through more tools and techniques than I can summarize here. There are ways you can help him to better visualize time like giant timelines you put on the floor to walk him through day parts, using a dry erase marker on a clock to shade a chunk of time, using post-it note calendars, etc. - it's hard for him to manage it because it's not concrete. When you make it concrete using various techniques, he'll start to get it.

This was never really an issue for us, but I suppose one reason for that was that my kids usually wanted to turn the TV on in the morning and I wouldn't let them do it until they were up and dressed and basically ready to go.
Would that help, at least in the morning?