Late - Santa Barbara,CA

Not a late person here.

I don't wait for others either. I will call and find out their status. Once they start making it a habit? I don't call. I don't wait. I continue on with my plans. If they get upset? They need to be respectful of other people's time and learn to be on-time.

The children learned from their role models that other people aren't as important as they are, so they are continuing the cycle of lack of time management. I suspect they will end up going through a lot of jobs in their lifetime because employers won't tolerate being late every day.

No, I am typically not a late person at all. I am very rarely late to anything and it is one of my biggest pet peeves. I believe that it is disrespectful to be late when meeting someone...it shows that the late person values their time more than anyone else's. I am a full-time working mom with two kids and a husband. Usually, a decision to do one thing means that I have said no to something else. If I care enough about you to schedule something with you, that means that I am giving up time with my kids to do so.

I have known folks that were late for everything and it drove me crazy. One of my college roommates was like this. It didn't matter what time of day something was scheduled, she was going to be late. She just had a different concept of time than anyone else. She would get ready for something and dawdle or get distracted easily. I don't think that she ever was intentionally rude with her behavior, but just didn't get how entitled it was to expect everyone to wait on her for everything. Frankly, it led to a lot of arguments between her and I.

I've read that being late can be a control issue. When they are late they have control. My father was always late making the rest of us late. This explanation somewhat fits for him in that he was a controlling sort of person. However I don't think he did this to control. He wasn't able to consider other people's feelings and needs. I think that today he'd be diagnosed on the spectrum.

The whole family was late because my Mom was passive aggressive. She would complain but never tried to change this pattern.

I grew up with this and was frequently late as an adult because being late felt normal. I had to work through this issue. I stopped being late once I got into counseling. The issue of tardiness was mixed up with issues I had with my father.

I was frequently late meeting friends. What helped me realize this was a problem was that when I got there they were gone. They didn't say anything to me. They were gone. I was hurt and felt abandoned. Again a family of origin issue. This was'not enough to change me but it was enough that I talked with my counselor about it.

I see tardiness as a boundary issue for those who wait. If tardiness upsets a person that's a clue that your boundaries are being ignored. You can either start finding ways to enforce your boundary or change your boundary. For example I love this family; so I will accept who they are and not get upset. It's OK to accept people for who they are because you cannot change them.

This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

I am not a late person. In fact, IF I am late for anything, my friends and family get very worried because I am NEVER late unless there is some sort of emergency.

That said, I ended a friendship because my "friend" was habitually late. It never failed that we would plan to meet for lunch or something and I would be left waiting at least 1/2 hour or more on her to get there. She always had an excuse. The last time we were schedule to meet, it was AFTER we had discussed the habitually late arrival. She sort of blew me off but I caved and gave her another chance.

We arranged for lunch at noon. At 12:15, I knew she was not going to show on time. I left. She called me raging mad because I was not there at 12:40ish... "Where are you", she said. I said, " I am no longer waiting on you and I left when you didn't show up". It was then that I told her that she was no more important than me and this behavior proves that she is selfish and thinks of no one but herself. I said it was disrespectful to me, the restaurants and other people she kept waiting for her arrival.

We have since seen each other in the social circle and she reached out to me again but I had to put my foot down because she is a user, never would change and I had wasted time being her "friend" who would bring her food, etc while she was holed up in a hotel room from her latest plastic surgery.

This girl was way when we met and she had a 6yr old daughter who in turn was late for everything.

I feel it is selfish and disrespectful for someone to be late as a habit. I completely understand something coming up rarely. My time is worth just as much to me and I make sure I am on time when I make plans.

As we have hired companies to do work for us, if they show up late, I just say no thank you. I can deal with a time frame for someone to show up but do not me you will meet me at a set time and not meet me at the set time. IF you are interviewing for any job around my house or employee for me... you are late = you never get hired.

S.

Sorry. I'm NOT the late person. If I'm late? My friends worry.

I have charged my pediatrician for making us wait...and guess what? Now? If the dr is running behind? They ASK me if I want to wait...it's MY decision to wait IF I want to...otherwise? I'm seen "on time" (for our pediatrician that's usually 5 to 15 minutes).

My friends know, if you are late? I won't wait for you. I don't allow people who are consistently late to mess up my plans. I know it sounds rude. I have one friend that is ALWAYS late. She had a court date was late for that...I was really pissed...she KNOWS it takes her a while to get ready and yet she doesn't plan...she ran out of gas on the way to court. EXCUSE ME?? Set your clothes out the night before. Get the gas the night before. I purposefully tell her plans are 1 hour BEFORE they need to be so she shows up on time. And I mess with her too...sorry...I NEVER make sure it's an hour. I tell her what time a movie will start. The first 3 times, I waited. After that? I told her she would need to find me. I'm not missing out on movies because she can't get her act together. She asks how I do it...I said do WHAT?? "be on time"? I told her I PLAN. It's REALLY simple. She knows I HATE that...now she moved to Texas? She's TRYING to get better but really? I have gone off on her for being rude...the world does NOT revolve around YOU.

If you have a consistently late person in your life?? You need to confront them. I know it's hard for some. But really? It MUST be done. Time management is CRITICAL in today's world.

oh geez, that's me. i know some people feel that we chronically late people are cavalier and uncaring about other people's time, and selfish and rude and think we're more important.
that's so not me. the lateness makes me anxious and stressed and horribly, horribly guilty. in more than half a century i've learned a few tricks to improve the situation, but it never goes away. for example, i get up at least 4 hours earlier than i have to leave. that gives me time to drink 2 cups of coffee while i read email and MP, feed the mares and clean the barn, eat breakfast, take a shower and put on makeup.
sometimes.
makes my punctual husband crazy that i need that much time and still don't always make it out the door on time. i feel his pain.
i have to think there's some sort of brain disconnect. my parents didn't suffer from this that i remember (my mother's been gone for 45 years so not sure there), but all of my brothers struggle with it, and 1 is worse than i.
my older son is lucky- he's like his dad, always 10 minutes early. my poor younger got his mama's time gene, and is always 2 steps behind himself.
i can't give you a reason. it's a glitch. there are no excuses, and for some of us, no real cure.
khairete
S. (who would not dream of expecting a flight to wait for her)

I have a relative who, if there was an award for lateness, would have the Nobel Prize and an Oscar. He has enraged people, disappointed people, stranded people, and inconvenienced people.

It's important to note that he is not a parent of several small children, or someone with an unreliable car, or someone who has to take into consideration the needs of a very elderly person or disabled person, or someone with an understandable reason. I'm referring here to someone with every opportunity to be on time, with no barriers to being late. Yet, since high school, and now that he's in his 50s, he's been late. Arriving at events (even funerals and weddings), picking up people at airports, bringing kids to school, you name it. He's been late, or hasn't even shown up at all.

A very astute and wise person noticed (and was the victim of) this behavior over a period of time and made this observation: it all came down to arrogance. Perhaps it wasn't obvious, and the person may not come across as haughty or appearing "better than everyone else", but only a truly innately arrogant person would be chronically late. Arrogance drives their every action: life will wait for them, the party doesn't start until they arrive, or if they don't arrive at all then the party wasn't worth attending. It might be sub-conscious. In fact, this relative of mine purposely pays some bills late, such as utilities, phone, etc. When I once asked him if he was having financial troubles (if that was why his electric bill was overdue) he scoffed and said absolutely not, but he said that it was ridiculous that the electric company wanted their money by a certain date, and he would not be bound by such demands. I think that's a great example of arrogance.

Having seen this behavior for so long, it is the only thing that makes sense to me. He is arrogant. And always late. And never apologetic. And he feels that the impact on others is of very little consideration.

I don't know, that's just my two cents. Maybe it's not the explanation for every late person, but it certainly is the reasoning behind my relative's behavior.

I am married to one of those"late" people. It drives me nuts. I have done all the tricks, lay his clothes out, set the alarm early, tell him a time that is actually earlier than the actual event. But unless it is something that he himself considers important he doesn't seem to care about being late. We will have a function at our home. He will come home late and Dawdle around them get in the shower. Leaving me to explain to guests why he is not ready. It's embarrassing. It's infuriating. I have let it ruin my enjoyment of this that should be fun. What it boils down to is that he just doesn't put others feelings ahead of his own. I have in the past waited for him to get ready and when it's time to be getting into the car hear the shower just turning on. On a few of those occasions I have taken the gift or food or whatever in my car and went alone and left him to flounder with his explanations. He has been fired for lateness. Reprimanded by his parents screamed at like a shrew by me. It doesn't change him. So I decided to just change how I deal with it.

I have to admit that I am one of those people who is often late to social activities--not hours, but often 5 or 10 minutes. In my professional life, I am more prompt because the professor just can't be late to class, however I also know that I don't use our 50 or 75 minutes as efficiently as I could. For social things, I am often rushing to get places near to the start time. Truly, it's not because I have a bad case of B+I disease (Busy and Important). I'm lousy at figuring out how long it will take me to get myself and my kids ready to go somewhere and there. For whatever reason, time management is a constant challenge to me--it is an issue in teaching too. Guess that is Diane B's first 'type.'

No, I am not proud of it and I certainly would understand if someone simply went on with their plans if I were really late. Anyway, it is a good thing for me to think about for this year...

For me it's truly a time management issue. I have to be very careful to pad everything I plan and double the time I think it will take. I always think getting ready for something will take about half as much time as it ends up taking. I have also learned to get ready first thing in the morning, so I'm at least dressed and ready and only have to prep the gift or meal or whatever we are doing. I used to wait until a couple of hours before leaving for something, thinking that it wouldn't take that long to get ready and do all of the rest. I also am trying to think one day in advance now. I try to have the gift or things I have to bring ready the day before. I still need to work on that, but I'm trying hard to be early these days. I'm getting much better, but it really isn't my intention to control anything...rather it's a lack of control of timing that gets me into trouble.

I think there are lots of reasons. Some people are just disorganized, they think about leaving on time but forget the prep like finding kids' shoes and allowing enough time to dry their hair or iron their outfits beforehand.. Some are overwhelmed and just try to do "one more thing" before they leave, and then that "one thing" takes longer, and the whole thing spirals out of control. Some people just never learned time management skills when they were younger.

I think there are others who really thrive on the attention. They don't feel in control of other parts of their lives, so they try to 'control' events or people by showing up late and making an entrance. I think once is understandable. But if it's habitual, then I think others play into the drama by holding dinner for the late arrivals or, frankly, being way too nice when they finally arrive. I had a house full of people for lunch for my brother who was coming in from out of town - this goes back years before there were cell phones. So we assumed there was traffic or an accident on the interstate, we held lunch for hours (just fed the kids), and lo and behold, he was working out on his Nordic Track because "it's important" and he just didn't give a hoot about everyone else. Even when confronted, he said his workout is more involved that we understood.

I think there are a whole lot of people who don't give a damn who they insult or inconvenience, and they are really trying to show off - how important their lives are, how busy and in-demand they are (vs. the rest of you pathetic people with no lives), how popular they are even if they show up late because everyone wants to be with them no matter what. They think their time is more valuable than mine - but down deep they really feel they have no value and they expect you to fawn over them to reassure them that they aren't as worthless as they fear. So I think it's a big inferiority complex rearing its head as a way of controlling and bossing others around.

I give people a reasonable window, and then I go ahead with lunch or the party or whatever. I leave their place set for them at the end of the table so the rest of us can all sit together. When they arrive, I don't make a big deal of it, either to condemn or to be all that understanding. I tell them the leftovers are in the kitchen and they can help themselves while we eat dessert. If I were hosting a kids' party and paid for a child who just arrived late, I'd be pretty ticked off at my expense for a no-show and my child's disappointment at having a good friend stand him up. I'd be willing to say to my child, "Mary, Johnny didn't mean to treat you badly by not showing up. He can't help it if his ride doesn't come."

If I were invited by the chronically-late for an event they were hosting, and I arrived and they were not there, I'd give it 15 minutes and then tell the restaurant hostess or other employee that I assume there was a change in the date, and I was going home. I'd drop them a note saying I must have had the details confused because I showed up at the House of Pizza at 7 PM and no one was there, so I left at 7:20 after inconveniencing the management long enough, and I hope they are well and have a nice party on whatever night it's really scheduled for. If re-invited, I would not go. I would ONLY invite them to my own house for an open house, or appetizers/drinks, not a sit-down dinner. At the end of the party, I'd be cleaning up and going up to bed, even if they had just arrived. I'd say I'm sorry they couldn't come during the party hours but I'm sure they understand that I've been working for days and am tired after a wonderful evening with those who were interested in sharing my company. I wouldn't listen to any excuses. I don't start a fight, I just don't engage in their excuses - I tell them I understand, and I'm sure they do as well.

I have a work colleague who likes to carpool to training sessions and other special events, and we tell her 10 minutes before the time we really have to leave, and if she's not there and is already 10 minutes late, we just leave. After a while, she figures out she's driving herself to all events. I'm not missing the start of a seminar because she had to do her make-up.

I do think that most people coddle the habitual latecomers and that just fuels them.

The same thing applies to people who don't RSVP - the hostess is always making extra food and buying extra kiddie goody bags in case people show up. I think the thing to do is act so surprised to see them, and then say, well, what the heck, come on in, I'm sure you'll be content with leftovers and that Jimmy will understand we don't have take-home prizes for him. Then I ignore them and go back to the party guests who do have manners.

And now that everyone has cell phones, there's no excuse for not notifying hosts of unavoidable delays, such as a traffic accident or a flat tire or whatever. It's just part of the culture of bad manners - which many of them have had handed down by inconsiderate parents.

I can relate to Anne (and I teach at a university ... how funny :-).

I try very hard to always be early at work - early for class (that's a given), early for meetings, early to any appointment. I'm pretty good about it any time my kids are not involved, but that used to be a real struggle for me.

For me it was always underestimating how long it was going to take to do something. For years I didn't fully realize that that was the problem. I was never chronically late, but I was late or just on-time more often than I would like.

I heard someone on the radio talk about how common it is for someone to estimate that it will take to 10 minutes to drive somewhere and then plan to leave the house 15 minutes before they need to get there. The problem is that leaving the house doesn't take into consideration multiple trips to the car or kids forgetting something or warming up the car. The point being, some people who are often late are just not thinking about all of the little things that eat up the time. Also, there is a difference between leaving the house and leaving the driveway. If you're going to do an estimate, include how long it takes to drive away after you've left the house.

For me it is about paying attention to details. This is not my strong suit. I often miss the little things. So I'm getting so much better! The two most difficult times for me to be on-time is getting the kids to school and getting the family to church.

Maybe it is a little bit of a control thing. I can't seem to control how fast my kids move in the morning :-)

I wish I could get an answer. My mother was one of these late people...she was always late...always!! I hated it!!

Now I am chronically early...maybe that is just as bad!

I have one friend that is like this and we just tell her thirty minutes earlier than we expect her and she is on time when we get together. We like her and enjoy her company so we know that she isn't going to change her "late" ways.

Now growing up there was one branch of the family that was always hours late (my mom was the thirty minute type late...these were about two hours late). So we told them an hour to an hour and a half earlier than we were starting and they showed up only slightly late.

So either stop inviting them or invite them early....but I would love to know what makes people so late.

I would love to see a chronically late person reply here. I am usually at least a few minutes early for things. So far your posts are from folks like you and me, who hate lateness and see its impact, but it would be good to hear from someone who does have this issue.

You have some excellent replies below -- I agree that arrogance and passive aggressive need for control are big factors for some folks, while for others, the lateness isn't down to arrogance but to a belief that they're carefree and relaxed about time (when in reality they are, to others,, careless and stress-inducing people) . The latter are the "Oh, we'll be there as soon as we can" folks who never look at a clock and who leave it to the moment of departure to pick out clothes or dig up Junior's lost shoes.

I would add that there can be other, sadder reasons for chronic lateness and it's good to keep in mind that there may be more serious things goin on with a late person.

I had a friend who was always running late to leave for things, and we tried the trick of telling her we needed to be someplace 30 minutes earlier than we actually needed to be there. She still would be late.

In her case the reason was tied to her hidden mental illness and the drugs she used to self-medicate--but we had no idea that those were the reasons why she seemed so sweetly scatterbrained. She was a genius at hiding her condition and her self-medicating. I'm not saying that's the case with the family to whom you seem to be referring in your rather veiled post. But I would note that sometimes the lateness may have a basis that is neither "I don't care, I live on my own time" arrogance or "We're just so footloose" carelessness.

Having said that, I would add that if you have in your life chronically late people whom you know aren't having other, serious issues....Unless they are very close relatives or dear friends, I would invite them to less and less, and would never invite them to anything that absolutely requires being on time, such as theatre performances, concerts, movies, etc. Open houses with flexible time frames or picnics with a group--fine. But a guest or friend who was late to a live show or something time-sensitive? That would mean no second invitation from me.

And lateness to a wedding, funeral, memorial service or graduation? The very lowest rudeness unless there is a good reason (unforeseen traffic backup, sudden illness in the family, etc.--there ARE good reasons but "I just couldn't get little Sally and Billy out the door" is not one).

My sister's like this.
She simply feels her priorities and time are worth more than anyone else s and doesn't see WHY anyone would be upset for her behavior.
It's a selfishness thing - these sorts feel the world should revolve around them.

I, on the other hand, always try to be somewhere 10 min before the scheduled time.
If I'm going someplace new, I leave myself some 'getting lost' time - and get there early - I'll bring a book to read until the appropriate time to arrive is reached.
The only time I'm late is if my car breaks down or unforeseen traffic jams messes me up.
I'm RARELY late and people know something extraordinary is happening if I am.
My work appreciated this, my doctors appreciate it, my appointments, our son's activities and classes appreciate it.
I just think it's polite to be mindful of being on time.
If anyone has to wait for anything - it's not going to be because of me.

My husband is late for everything. His family members are too. I decided in his case it is a cultural thing. He is however on time for work. I now tell him the event is about a half hour earlier than actually is to get there on time.
I cannot begin to tell you how maddening it is. That is his case, kind of a laissez faire...like oh well, however there are people who truly are arrogant and thoughtless. Or they budget their time poorly. Or they don't really want to go.
So my thinking is that if these people are always late and usually want them at your events then change the time for just them to something that will give them the same time arrival as everyone else.

I like being early, maybe not going in an activity early but getting there, getting parked, maybe taking a moment to sit and catch my breath.

I have friends who plan on leaving say 10 minutes before they're supposed to be where they are going and the kids aren't ready, the dog gets out, they forgot to take out something for dinner so it can thaw...they don't plan ahead.

I started telling them we had to be somewhere 15-30 minutes earlier than we needed to be somewhere. They were still late sometimes.

Hoping someone that is chronically late will chime in I'd like to understand as well

We try to be on time or early.
At 51, I don let other people's idios affect my life: I don't wait for late people, I don't make excuses for late people, etc.
It's rude.
Sure--everyone can unexpectedly run late now & then, but habitually late people? I don't tolerate.

I'm usually early or within 5. I give myself lots of "get to the car time." I also tell hubby we have to leave early-since he tends towards late.

I have a few friends that are late. I think it's the height of rude to show up an hour late. It shows a big disrespect for other people's time. With that said, I have come to accept my friends that just are late. One of friends is always at least 30 minutes late. I expect it of her, and if I need her early, I tell her the wrong time. I have a other friend I've stopped seeing because she is always super, super late-1.5-2 hours. I feel no need to wait. I have other things to do.....

I don't go to doctors or dentists that keep me waiting more than 15 minutes. Good organization is all that's needed.

Wow, I can't believe so many people answered and no one mentioned Sensory Processing Disorder. Not noticing time and being aware of how long things can take, or how much time has passed is a real thing. (I actually just learned about this in the last year or so also, so it's not like I new before that).

My mom's whole family is like this, and it drove me nuts as a kid. I was late to everything all the time. Now, my mom has to get up at least 2 hours before she has to be to work so she can have her coffee and "wake up" before she gets ready to go. My dad has to wake her up though. When I read about time being an SPD, I was amazed! It made so much sense, it is just a thing that some people don't have built into them. Mom worries about time, watches the clock, and somehow is always late. I too send out different invitations for different family members. I will tell my dad 15 minutes later than I want because he is always early, and I will tell mom at least 20 minutes earlier than I want her!

I tend to run late, but I have 2 preschoolers and a husband who is like molasses. All three of them together is just like waiting on the tree sap to run out of the tree all on it's own in a deep freeze. They wonder why I lose my cool sometimes trying to leave the house.

So, for a lot of people it is not arrogance, it is not control, and it is not passive aggressive, it is just they way they are made.

I am always a bit early. It's one of my pet peeves. Makes me crazy when people are chronically late.