Last Minute Christmas Plan Cancellation

When they called to say they weren't coming, did you stop them and say "Hey, I already have Christmas planned, food bought, and presents for everyone under the tree because you said you were coming HERE. I would appreciate it if you could reconsider changing the plans we all agreed to," OR, did you simply say "okay?"

You're the black sheep that everyone backs out on because you allow it. We teach people how to treat us...so don't blame them completely if you've taught them that it's okay to treat you like a doormat.

S., I feel your pain. You can't have a normal relationship with people that aren't normal. You have made something of yourself and others can't cope with that. It sucks more when it's family. She doesn't dislike you, but people like this don't like THEMSELVES. You can't change her. And it is completely ok if you choose your husband's family over your own. You can't pick your bio family, but you can pick your emotional family.

I no longer consider my bio mother to be my emotional mother. She knows nothing of what is really going on in my life. My MIL and my older sister fill that role for me. It took time, but it is much healthier.

It sucks that you can't count on them, but you need to do whatever you have to to make it possible to accept that. Therapy and support from my husband helped a lot.

Take care of yourself, enjoy your holiday with your your in-laws. When it's convenient for you, meet with your mom and give her the gift. Stop trying so hard because will never be enough. Not because you are not enough, but because she is not enough for herself.

Hugs!

Call each person that was supposed to come. Tell them that you were told they were coming to your house on XX day to celebrate Christmas. You have already bought groceries and changed plans with hubby's family so what happened.

If you did not make the plans with them personally you may have been sucked in to your mom's delusion that Christmas was going to happen. My mom had them too. Unless I came to town the weekend after Christmas no one even called her to say Merry Christmas.

I can guarantee if she would have told one of my siblings that we were coming to dinner and all sorts of stuff they would have called me to find out if it was true....

She may have thought it would all work out but did not ask anyone else. If you spoke to them and they committed you have every right to call them and say "I am expecting you here by XXam and we'll open gifts at XXpm. I am fixing XX, XX, and XX so if you want to bring anything else please do so".

Of course you're hurt! I would be too.
Fact is, your husbands family IS coming.
If it was me? I'd concentrate on them. Be the balm to start their healing.
Provide a wonderful holiday for them as well ad your own little family.
Just another perspective, maybe right now, for your mom & siblings, it's just not time "yet" to have that healing holiday?
Or maybe your mom sees you successes as a magnifier of her failures?
I don't know, because I don't know you or your family.
Just a few possibities.
But it sounds like your husbands family is ready for a warm family holiday.
I hope you find comfort in that and in them.
I think you will find a perfect time to present your thoughtful. Gifts to your mom. And I don't think you should try to force this change right now. Baby steps. Your kids are young. Hopefully over time, all of her relationships will improve?
So sorry about your sister and your mother in law.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Even though it's our family, it doesn't mean they never hurt our feelings.
If I were you, I'd enjoy your husband's family.
It sounds like they are a bit more loving.
Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people.
Not everything goes as planned or as smoothly.
Try not to let it hurt you too much.
Appreciate what you do have.

You planned to throw a party when it was your mothers idea - she had no vested interest in it (she doesn't have a fridge full of food if she backs out) - and she changes her mind every time the wind changes direction.
And - THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.
You know what they say:
"Fool me once - shame on you.
Fool me twice - shame on me.".
Next time she calls and says everyone wants to get together at your house say "That's nice but we have other plans. Sorry!" and leave it at that.
And - actually HAVE other plans.
Of COURSE you can still give her the calendar!
Your choices are United States Post Office, UPS or Fed Ex.
Wrap it, box it, have it in the mail on Monday.
Your Mom is who she is - accept it - you can't change her.
You can't make her be the parent you always wanted.
You are a grown up with kids of your own (and maybe a bit hormonal with being pregnant) and dealing with the mourning of family members lost during the course of the year.
You can be the parent you always felt you deserved to have but never got.
Realize you can only control yourself - then TAKE control of yourself.
You don't need anyone's permission to do it.

I cannot tolerate wispy washy people and their " plans".

I have been through this too many years with my mil.. I finally just said ..no more.. She makes plans, everyone is set to go...and then she changes them.. I would try to accommodate, even having my families change theirs and etc..

Finally decided mil was too flakey to deal with and left it to my husband.. Bless his heart.. He and our daughter now for 4 Christmas have had to deal with her...but not me.. I stay home and just relax...I have never been happier and our daughter has learned the truth about her grandmother, and my husband still gets to see his crazy family...

In your case, you love your mother and your family.. But it sounds like they are not organized, not good communicators and so you either need to speak up and honestly to them, or you are always going to be jumping through higher and smaller hoops.

Do what is best for you and your own family... Do not allow others to upset your plans... I promise, once you make rules to protect your own family and feelings.. The less your mom will drive you insane. She s who she is and will probably never change... She does not know any other way..except chaos..

I agree with Gamma in a way. Who contacted the siblings? If it was her that was your mistake. Some people are just not dependable like that. You will have to let it go. Learn not to tell your kids gramma is going to be there untill she shows up. Warn them what she is like . Don't count on the promises. I'd callthe other people who were invigted as suggestged directly not through mom and say I heard you would not be able to make it as thought you had bout all this food etc and was really looking forward to seeing everyone. Maybe next time. Next time keep you mom out of your plans till near the end and then invite her and let it alone.

You are pregnant. Be Mama to your two angels and the one on its way.
Don't think more about it.

Then:
write the letter at a cafe.

rip it up and throw it away, or if you don't trust yourself to, hand it to the worker behind the counter when you are done.

leave the shop.

let it go.

make plans around whatever is happening, and if you need to stay at home for part or all, DO THAT.

Make the trip to your Mom's place on a different day (New Year's) and present her with her gift. Your time, thought and effort are a loving tribute to your sister, and an honor to your Mother. Honor thy Mother and Father - a commandment - and you have done just that.

You have plans. Stick to them. The future is just the future. You have the opportunity to make your Christmas this year memorable for your husband and yourself and your toddler.

Be Mama, and be Honored yourself. Honor yourself! Honor your family, and honor truth.

You've been tactful and loving so far, keep it up, it is a great testament to how far you have come, and how far you can go.

Hugs, Good luck, and peace for your babies!
M.

Sorry, but seems you got screwed on this one. I know it hurts because you were so excited to have everyone coming over. You and your mother have a very strained relationship and you are having trouble coming out the young daughter role. I would go to my hubby's family's house and enjoy the holiday. The first mistake was your mother making plans for an event at YOUR house. She seems flighty. If you have gifts for your mom or others, just deliver them ahead of time and wish them all a Merry Christmas.

It was a nice gesture that you wanted to keep the family traditions alive. But with the changes to the family it may be too much for some to handle.

Knowing your mom and what she has done to you in the past should not affect you going forward. Yes it hurts like hell knowing she was not the ideal mom but she is who she is and will not change. Make your own plans and if the family does not come then stop inviting them. Become you own family with traditions and leave them out. You have to stop hitting your head on a brick wall or you will have a cracked skull or a headache or both and no final resolve.

Life is too short to wish for things that will never happen. I too had a relative I had hope would stand up to "fill in" for my mom (her sister) but it never happened and I moved on and did my own thing. Later in life she regretted what she did but it was too late to make amends.

Enjoy your inlaws and have a great holiday season.

The other S.

I'm confused. Your family was coming to spend Christmas with you and you're going to spend Christmas with your husband's family? How were you going to do both? Who lives 4 hours away and who lives 1 hour away? I don't know how to suggest a way to deal with the physical day except perhaps to spend time with both families but on different days. You don't have to see each other on the day of Christmas.

It is painful to look forward to something, make all the plans, and clean the house and have people cancel. It's normal to feel hurt. But don't let your hurt take over. Accept that this is the way it is and make new plans to do what is best for your family given the circumstances.

And don't try to second guess people's reasons. Your sister's husband could've changed his plans. It really doesn't matter why your mother is changing her mind. Trust that she loves you but isn't able to put herself in your shoes.

Perhaps you could invite your family to come over next weekend for dinner and have your Christmas then. That way you could give your very thoughtful gift to your mother and do the picture thing.

I suggest that it's time to get into counseling so that you can work thru your feelings about your mother. Most of us grow up with some angst about our parents and many of us need help figuring out how to feel like adults. We have to learn to accept our parents as they are complete with all the mistakes they made raising us and how they treat us now. They are imperfect but did the best that they could do.

And yes, stop trying to have the kind of relationship you want with your mother. It's not going to happen. All relationships are different. I suggest that there is no such thing as a normal relationship between parent and adult child. Each family is different. You cannot change your mother into being the kind of person you want her to be. You can stop expecting her to be and do what you want her to be and do. Accept her as she is. Doing so is a long process and counseling will help.

Do not write everything down and send it to your mother. Do write everything down and burn it or rip it up into tiny pieces. Perhaps flush it down the toilet. Get everything out. This will help you feel better.

Your mother is not responsible for how you feel. Writing to her will only hurt and probably anger her and will not help you feel any more grown up. Sending her an angry letter is not the way to deal with your feelings. It will create a rift between you which will make it even more difficult to find peace.

After your SWH: Just do what you and your husband want to do. Make a plan and stick with it. If she comes, fine. If not, then that's fine too.
Unless you're leaving town to be with your in-laws. I'm still confused about that. Sounds like your husband wants her to come and you don't. If that's the case then I'd stop thinking about your mother and find a way for you and your husband to agree.

You're angry. Understandably. Often we have to get angry to have the energy to find and state our boundaries. I suggest that once you decide what you will and will not accept and feel comfortable doing that your anger will lessen and you'll be happier.