there is a woman i work with who cannot look anyone in the eye when she's talking. she usually looks above your head. does anyone have some insight into that?
she doesn't seem to have any problem with public speaking. she does it all the time. maybe she's hiding it really well? she's a pretty outgoing person.
i don't stare in people's eyes either. even though my hearing is fine, i notice that i tend to watch their mouth with the occasional glance at the eyes.
thanks ladies, you gave me some things i hadn't thought of. i have nothing against her at all, i was just curious.
I second bug, direct eye contact portrays confidence and dominance. She is not either, or has neither. So she avoids any direct contact. Like someone who talks behind there hands, or fidgets when talking. Its a sign of extreme submission.
Maybe she has aspergers/autism...since you notice that she does this to pretty much everyone that is what I would assume.
Looking people in the eye is over rated :) But in this culture we think anyone who won't (or can't) must be submissive, have no confidence or self-esteem or is lying. It could be none of the above, or it could be all of the above.
It could also be Asperger syndrome, one of the classic signs is the inability to look others in the eye/face.
Or it could be her family is from a different culture and she's been raised to not look others in the eye as a form of respect.
It's hard to tell exactly, but whatever the issue is, she should still be treated with respect.
I do this. I am a very visual person and when I talk, I usually find a less distracting place to put my eyes so that I can focus better. Otherwise, I get all sorts of jumbled up because my brain wants to think about what I'm seeing, not what I'm trying to say.
Also, the appropriateness of eye contact is largely based on cultural norms. Some cultures see eye contact as a form of respect, others authority, others disrespect. Depends.
Nerves. Some people are just socially inept, and it can be very difficult. Looking in the eyes when you are not good at being social, is a very personal feeling, and can be very anxiety inducing. It's almost like looking above the crowd when you are speaking to a large group of people. It takes some of the pressure off, for it to not be such a personal connection. She probably has some social anxiety.
direct eye contact can make some people extremely nervous- usually it is a confidence issue or a social issue dont take it personally
Could have slight Aspbergers.
There are many reasons for not looking people in the eye, and many of them aren't suspect.
We're taught to look people in the eye when we talk to them because (we're told) they won't trust us if we don't. Actually, the most clever, convincing con artists will look you right in the eye, smile beautifully, and tell the greatest lies. And we do know that. Yet we still distrust someone who *doesn't* look at us! Interesting.
That said, I had an English teacher - this was back when dinosaurs roamed the earth - who didn't look us in the eye, or at least didn't seem to. It turned out that she had some sort of eye difficulty, so it didn't look as if she were looking at us when she really was. We finally realized that when she'd easily catch us doing what we shouldn't do in class.
Look up the definition of a verbal learner and you will find what is going on. People who learn by verbal skills will often be found pointing their ears at the person speaking to them. It is often odd but lots and lots of people do not make eye contact with anyone they are communicating with.
She may have Aspergers.
She could have Asperger's. There's a book called, "Look me in the eye" that was written by a person with it. It's very interesting. I read it because I think my son might have it. I guess about 1 in every 150 people do.
I have a Doctor that does that. I always thought she has a slight social disorder.
I am not big on looking people in the eyes. It either gives me the heebie jeebies, or makes me want to crack up. For whatever reasons I am just not comfortable with it. Okay my son and eye do the whole stare down thing. I just think staring someone right in the eyes is creepy.
I am the same way. I have trouble looking people in the eye. Why? Because I was abused as a child and into my adulthood until I divorced my first husband.
I look at people's foreheads or between the eyes. When I get to know them, and trust them more, then I can slowly start looking them in the eyes.
Perhaps she's still trying to get out of her own head, and shielding herself.
My husband does this...so does his mom, and his daughter (although she is spec needs). He hates it because he's in sales and thinks it comes across wrong to people but he's been doing it for 38 years and its hard to stop. Of course, its the first thing I noticed about him and frankly didn't like. I have an aunt that was like this and I didn't really care for her. BUT, in speaking with him, he *tries* to change it and has gotten better about it but he just can't help it.
She may have had a development disorder of some kind or sensory sensitivity. Or it may just be the way she processes information. I would not assume she lacked confidence or judge her over it.
The eyes can be a really powerful place to look, and some people are more sensitive to that than others. It might be a touch of autistic sprectrum, or it might just be that she finds eye contact overwhelming or too personal. It might mean that she has to look somewhere else in order to process what is being said and how she'd like to respond. It doesn't mean that she doesn't like people close up or that she isn't listening. There is a huge difference between the interpersonal dynamic of speaking a room of people and the interpersonal dynamic of speaking face to face. The power centers are in different places, if you follow me. Being good at one doesn't guarantee being good at the other.
My old roommate is a teacher and talks to people all the dang time, but back on her old reserve where she feels more comfortable, and knows she's bringing education to a place that really needs it. But, she's also a Native American (from Canada) and we used to go round and round about some of her habits. One of them: she never looked people in the eye---she said it showed aggression and disrespect, like you were trying to challenge them.
When I was a child (like middle school), I used to get super distracted and had a real difficulty keeping my eyes in one "area". I would be talking and talking, but totally lose what I was trying to say if there was a reflection, light, or something funny in my view. I had to work hard to make "casual" eye contact (where you look someone in the eye but not in the "weird, over intense, I'm doing this on purpose but promise I'm not a stalker" kind of way). Now I just do my own thing, and it's gotten easier to make eye contact, but still be able to look away if something's interesting, without losing my train of thought. But there was a time my thoughts just bounced all over the place and I needed a "focal point" to help me feel centered.
