Lack of Sex Drive

I lost mine a long time ago.... it got worse when I had a hysterectomy (I'm only 34). Talking with my woman friends, I feel it is pretty normal. It does affect my marriage because my husband feels that is what marriage is all about (sex). I disagree with him, but if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is!

This happens to ALL of us at some point or another in our lives. Low libido can be caused by any number of things. Stress is the most prominent one, followed closely by hormonal changes from pregnancy and menopause, medications and treatments for medical conditions. Here is what I tell my clients:

1. **Make time for yourself.** Start by taking an extra ten minutes a day for yourself; whether its a long shower, a home pedicure, a hot cup of tea and a book, whatever. As women today, we wear so many hats that we lose ourselves in between being a wife, a mother, an employee, a chef, a chauffeur, not to mention our responsibilities to church groups, PTA, friends, relatives, etc. And don't think "oh I just don't have enough time". Wake up five minutes early and go to bed five minutes late. Bam. Ten minutes for yourself just got added to your day. :)

2. **Communicate** You are feeling frustrated by your lack of libido, and your husband may be too, but not for reasons you think. Men don't address sex the same way we do. Your lack of intimacy can affect the self-esteem of both of you, and it may leave him feeling inadequate. Let him know what you're going through so you're both on the same page. Start by having simple conversations to reconnect. It doesn't have to be intimacy related, just begin by talking about a highlight of your day. As the years pass, we forget what brought us together in the first place. Once you have re-established the lines of communication, the connection between you will deepen again, and will help with intimacy.

3. **Foreplay is a must** As I mentioned above, you need to feel that connection to each other again. Make sure it is clear that tonight is not going to lead to sex, and do everything but. Without feeling like you're expected to perform, you can both relax and enjoy the time together more.

Massage is a FANTASTIC way to get lovers back on track. You're touching, talking, giggling, kissing.. What could be a better start to the night? Then you can move on to more intimate pursuits or just lay in each others arms and enjoy some quiet time alone. You can do other simple things to reignite the passion like writing love notes, looking at old photos from the beginning of your romance, taking showers together, etc. Ask him what he'd like to do, his answers may surprise you. Think outside the box and see what you come up with together. (the key word being "together") :)

4. **Examine your health habits** Make sure you are getting enough sleep and are eating a reasonable diet. You don't have to go to the extremes of diet plans or organic foods, but do make sure you're keeping your body hydrated, rested and putting in good foods and cutting back on empty calories. A brisk walk in the evening can invigorate even the most lethargic body, and will make you feel good about your day, even if romantic pursuits aren't in the cards.

5. **Explore new ideas** Many women who are dealing with decreased libido have hit a plateau in their lives, and not just romantically. Reconnect with YOURSELF by finding things you enjoy such as hobbies, social avenues or music. Also, don't be afraid to explore your own body. Many of us were raised to believe that sexuality is taboo and knowing our bodies is shameful. This is something many of us have had to overcome, myself included.

When it comes time for love-making, be sure to have a good water-based lubricant. There are so many different styles that there is definitely something for everyone, from sensual warming lubricants to playful flavored ones. *Always* be sure that your lubricants are sugar, yeast and alcohol free so as not to lead to irritation/infections. Also, try using an arousal cream. Arousal creams are air-activated and draw blood to the clitoris, heightening stimulation. These can help overcome the effects of even anti-depressants and hormonal control medications that slacken even the hardiest of sex drives. They can be a lifesaver in a sea of frustration.

These are all things that you and your husband can do together, but I would also suggest talking to your doctor about having your thyroid and hormone levels checked. She may have some other suggestions that you could pursue medically, and may be able to find the culprit to your low desire. I hope something in here helped, and if you have any other questions, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com. I'll help in any way I can! Good luck!

My guess is that almost every one of us moms experiences this at some point and to some degree. Are you taking any medications that impact your sex drive, birth control pills or antidepressants, for example? Have you tried speaking with your doctor about this problem? There could be a medical/hormonal reason you are not interested in sex. Or maybe you need to reconnect with your husband?
You could try sitting down and talking to him about how you are feeling. Tell him you want to work on getting your sex drive back and ask for his help and support along the way. He might be feeling rejected and lonely if you haven't been interested in a while. Let him know that you want to fix it and that you still love him.
Good luck!

It's likely more common than anyone is willing to admit. Almost all the people I talk to, the husbands have strong sex drives, and the wives do not. Most of the wives give in because that's the husband's "love language". I disagree. It's their biological difference than ours. Men have SO much more testosterone than we do until menopause.

We've spoken to our OB/GYN about it for years to help correct it. In fact, there are pharmaceutical companies working on a female version of Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

You can have your testosterone checked to see if that's the root problem. For women, it's mostly recommended to get intramuscular injections (like how they give tetanus/flu shots). It can be dangerous to a fetus, but since your children are grown, it's not as much of an issue.

There are also counselors who help women (particularly) to work on the problem. Dr. Laura Berman is frequently on Oprah talking about it.

Most likely it's hormones. You really don't have any control over how you feel when it's hormonal. I have a friend that swears that natural progesterone cream completely revived her libido.

Sometimes I get into a rut where I never want to have sex again! But then I have it once and it's like my sex drive turns back on. Getting into the mood that first time is _tough_. It's almost like I have to bite the bullet. It's also a vicious cycle - I get annoyed and unattracted to my husband, so I don't want to have sex, the lack of sex makes me irritable, and I take it out on my husband, so I don't find him attractive etc etc. If you once enjoyed sex with your husband, try giving it a shot again and see where it goes. Of course, if you're sex drive has always been low or you think it might really be medical in nature, seek out your doctor. Good luck!

I know how you feel about the lack of sex drive. I felt that way for a long time, but I noticed if I went ahead and tried to get into it and initiated it more I would be more interested in it.

I also recommend an e-book that has a ton of sex tips. Here is the link at http://www.fixamarriage.net/promote/500sextips

Of course, if you think there really is something wrong. Check with your doctor.

Get your thyroid and hormones checked by your doctor. You can also buy a product called excite at wal-mart. It's supposed to help with women's sex drive and is OTC - worth a try.