Kindergartener with Nonstop Hurting?

You're her stability and she's feeling that stress that stability is going bye bye, in all reality you are the mom she knows as her provider, care giver, etc...her school needs to stop playing in to this. She is getting negative attention and needs to be told it's going to be okay.

Just keep giving her hugs and kisses on her boo-boos. She's been separated from her parents, and she needs this attention. You will just have to give her extra attention for a while until she outgrows it. Try to avoid statements like "you'll be fine," or "it's okay," just tell her that you'll make it feel better with a kiss. If you have to give her a kiss every 30 minutes, then do so. It's annoying but it will end eventually.

My heart goes out to her! Yes, she is scared about what's going to happen when mom comes home and it's manifesting itself in these physical pains. No one knows what's going to happen when mom comes home. I'm sure mom is on the phone talking all kinds of lovely stories - it's called jailhouse BS. They ALL have these great plans for when they are released, and some actually accomplish those goals, but many, many don't. All those lovely plans fly out the window the minute they walk through the gates. I'm not saying that's going to happen here, but please be prepared for it. Your niece is scared; I don't think she wants to go back to live with mom. That is evident in her statement "...I come back here." "Here" is where she feels loved and safe. Mom does not provide her with that security. I think you should plan to keep the children for the first couple of months after mom is released to be sure she is on the right path and to give the girls time to develop at least a little bit of trust in mom. Right now, they don't trust her to keep them safe and provide them with security. That is going to take time and they are going to need you to be there.

M., I think the suggestion of a children's or family counselor is a very good one. I can tell you dearly love your niece, so I want to point out something that I have observed over years of working with children.

We adults have very different views regarding transitions than children have. Children, especially very young ones like your niece, are prone to be very 'present' and in the moment. That is to say, they thrive when we let them be just where they are in the here and now. We prepare them for near-future upcoming transitions ( for example: leaving a favorite spot like the park or a zoo; stopping play and cleaning up one's toys; in short, the usual situations where we give them a five-minute warning.) Kids can generally handle these immediate types of transitions well enough.

In fact, adults are so often told to help our children have smooth transitions that we extend this to areas of life where less information is probably better. An example of this would be a family driving by an elementary school in January and telling their five year old "In September, you'll be going to school here!" The parents mean well, are playing it up as a positive. And for some kids, that really isn't a problem.

But for others, in my direct experience, this is a huge anxiety for the child. It's a big unknown and unlike adults, who have prior experience and cognitive understanding of transitions, the child is left to grapple with this only in their imagination. It's something they have simply never done before. Or perhaps they have a negative association with that situation and so they are projecting their own past experience of a place or situation onto the future with the only information they have.

It is very likely that this little girl is very upset and frightened about this change in her stability and frightened about going back. Which is why she will need some therapeutic help. This is a huge event in her life. Her primary caregiver is going to change. Children's memories can be fuzzy, and it may be that to her, you are the only loving caregiver she has known. Perhaps she remembers the trauma and upset of her father's neglect and her mother's arrest. Perhaps she has memories of her needs not being met.

I would encourage you not to discuss the upcoming custodial change to her without a therapist's assistance. I know that you are likely trying to make this transition sound like a "positive", but her own experiences may not jibe with that. And then there is that confusing feeling of cognitive dissonance: in that she may be very confused that you are saying something is a 'good thing' when she may not have experienced it that way. Who is right? That's a lot for a five year old to ponder.

Anxiety can come out in many forms. It sounds like her deep hurting is a manifestation of her fear and emotional hurt (which, in our lower brain, is processed in the same area/receptors as actual physical hurt). Please, talk to the school counselor and see if you can get some help or an outside referral. Ask for help. This is a lot for you to deal with. Her mom should continue to take her to counseling once she has custody, too. Also, what are your sister's plans? Will your nieces be able to stay in the same schools, with the same support systems? This is something one must seriously consider to keep what stability the girls have in their lives.

tl;dr: find a counselor, stop trying to 'talk up' this transition, and try to let her be in the present as much as possible. Remember that her pain is really based in her fear and hurt and that it's valid, and get mom on board with keeping things as consistent as possible for the kids.

If it's not physical, it's emotional. If the pain were in the same place all the time, I'd say it was worth asking the pediatrician to do a more thorough work-up. But that's not what's happening here. She has a new pain in a new spot every day.

Some kids just go to the nurse for attention and to get away from the large class or activity level. I would think the nurse would be tuned in to this though.

Not sure how long you have had custody, but kids who have been taken from their parents (or whose parents have died) really struggle. They want attention, they crave reassurance, etc. Sometimes you don't notice it until they go to school and are away from you all day. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong - but it means that everything isn't okay for her. She may need more than what you have to give right now.

The only thing that jumps out for me is family counseling with a skilled children's therapist. You can get another set of eyes on your parenting to see if anything needs a little tweaking - although it sounds like you are doing a fine job overall. But learning how to parent THESE kids under stressful circumstances, and understanding that any kind of childhood trauma can be long lasting and below the surface, will go a long way toward improving things.

I would agree. Emotional hurt is what's going on - she's so young, she experiences it as physical pain. I don't know if the school counselor could help, but it might be worth looking into some outside support for the kiddos. Hugs to you for being there for them. She's just feeling all the pain from the family situation.

As the moms below mention, small children express emotional hurt as physical pain. Or anxiety comes out as tummy aches, sore throat, headaches, etc. Or if this helps - think about how people with depression have physical symptoms too.

I'm surprised the nurse at school or her teacher hasn't suggested maybe she has some anxiety or fears. They do gently at our school if they see a repeated pattern. Then parents take their kids in to their doctor, who usually checks them over and then suggests it could be that they anxious, worried, stressed, etc. Kids like this just basically need reassurance.

A child psychologist can help if it's quite bad, but what you've indicated seems more like a reaction to the news her mother will be taking back custody of her - and this means change. Change can be upsetting to little ones.

Does her sister talk to you about it? Often they will share their fears with a sibling.

I never tell my kids they are tough - because when they are hurting they certainly don't feel tough. That can shame a child because they aren't feeling that way and then might feel they can't share that actually - they are not tough.They won't want to disappoint you. They just want to be accepted as the scared little being they are at the moment.

First and foremost, acknowledge her feelings. Ask her if she's worried. Then just listen. Encourage her to open up to you - that you won't be angry with her, that you're just there to listen - and go from there. I was told to say "I understand you are worried (or whatever terms she uses)..". You can go over each concern of hers one by one if she has a bunch of questions about what will happen when mom comes back. And answer one by one - as you said you are, that you will always be there for her. Security is what she is looking for here. Good luck and good for you for helping to raise her :)

The thing is even children in the "best" of situations, given all the "right" sorts of love and attention, can still have emotional needs, anxiety, etc.
And because kids can't really verbalize their issues, they come out as hurt, pain.
PLEASE don't tell her she's a tough girl, because maybe she's not?
And that just makes her feel worse.
Kisses don't "heal" she's a kid not an idiot :-(
I would start with her pediatrician and go from there, we found an amazing child therapist that way.

My 6 year old has been in foster care 1/2 her life and she pulled this a lot in kindergarden. In my experience, it's partly to get attention and partly to get out of the academics. I thought it had decreased dramatically in 1st grade but it just turns out the teacher made a deal with her that she could only complain about one physical ailment and get one bandaid per day. Sigh. Just patience and maybe a recommendation for therapy.

Many times "my x hurts" is really "I'm feeling sad/anxious/lonely and don't know how to express it. My daughter's "tummy hurt" when she was anxious about preschool. If you have custody, there's been a loss, and I would consider a children's therapist to help her deal with her feelings. If her mother is likely to regain custody after 2 years, the child is understandably worried about it and/or losing you. All the more reason to get her into therapy now.

My suggestion is to acknowledge the pain, but not let it take over. For example, she says her knee hurts. So talk to her in a way that lets her know that you understand she's expressing her feelings in a way that makes sense to her - through physical pain. Try a bit of diffusing the situation with humor. Try looking at her knee and making a scolding face and say to the knee, "now, Mr. Knee, you stop bothering my sweet [niece's name] right now." Or give her a hug, and a kiss on the knee, and then ask her to sit beside you while you fold towels or mash potatoes.

That way, you acknowledge that her pain is real (although her knee or eyes or arm or spleen may not be actually hurting, but her little spirit is still feeling the bruise of being uprooted, even to a loving and safe home) but you don't let the pain take over and cause too much drama. Be careful not to swoop in and act like she's actually sprained her ankle. Be careful not to appear upset ("really, [niece's name], another pain today? Can we not go 1 day without some pain somewhere?"). And just as importantly, be careful not to casually say "oh, there's nothing wrong with your knee."

Try not to tell her she's a tough girl. Try not to promise that everything will be fine (maybe her biological parents told her those exact words). Instead, try telling her you know she has hurts, (and even though you know those hurts may be in her heart or soul or spirit) and you're going to be there to love her. And soothe that knee or elbow or toe and keep being patient.

And by the way, your nieces sound very blessed to have you in their lives. What you're providing for them is priceless beyond compare.

Poor child.. I suspect she is looking for reassurance. Her life has not been easy and some where she feels it's all her fault, she is unlovable.
Only time and love will fix this, keep showing her how much you love her and over time she will heal.
Think about a dog adopted from a shelter. After being abandoned the dog will often be timid around his new family. Then after some time has passed will understand this is his forever home.
It will take time for this little girl to understand you are not going to abandon her.

My Kindergartener also has many hurts...it seems almost daily. For her it seems like it is part being dramatic, and also perhaps a way to get attention for small things. Last week a big girl told her to just ignore it when she gets a little boo boo. She was proudly telling me yesterday that she is now ignoring her scratch (the cat gave her a little scratch). This shows me that yes, a big part of it has been drama and a want for attention. I think a part of her wants that love and comfort and a kiss/hug. I think it is something that she will simply outgrow. I think your niece has been through a lot...and she is lucky to have you! But it takes time to feel safe and secure and also she probably needs extra love and attention. Also, some kids are tough and some are more sensitive and it sounds like she is sensitive.

I would talk to the school nurse in person and just check in with her. I'm sure she knows part of the story already...? School nurses are used to that kind of behavior from kids who need extra love and attention. It sounds like you're doing great, but I wouldn't get worked up over the nurse thing. If she's doing it at home too I'd just keep on keeping on. Show empathy, offer an ice pack or band aid and move on! I think it's fine to give her something even if you think it's not a "real" hurt. Acknowledge how she feels, give her a hug and basically say something like I'm sure that ice pack will make it feel better and then continue on with whatever is happening.

my kindergartener does this every so often. His legs "hurt" and he is "so tired" then in minutes he's jumping everywhere and with no complaints. I take a look at it. Tell him it looks like it needs some rest and should get better by the time he counts to 20. I offer a hug wipe the tears if any and say I am glad he told me about his hurt leg. It is my job to help keep him safe and well as best as I am able. If it continues to hurt I will gladly take him to the doctor or hospital instead of going to the playground. The offer of the Doctor usually brings on rapid healing.

Best
F. B.

Good luck with your nieces

Could she be dealing with bullying? I know some kids try to avoid school and bullies by saying they are ill or something hurts. It seems she starts to feel pain when she is in school but does not complain of these pains while at home anymore, so I am thinking something or someone at school is causing her to isolate herself in that manner, and wanting to be protected. Maybe she is just feeling ignored at school and this is her way of getting attention from someone while at school (the nurse), rather than sitting off somewhere by herself. Have you tried talking to her to see if she will open up? Try planning a fun outing, maybe a hike, and while you're walking and enjoying nature, try to make conversation and see if she can explain why she has all these pains while in school and how they begin. Be patient, it may take her a while to feel comfortable enough to open up and tell you the truth. If that doesn't help, maybe someone else she trusts may be able to get her to open up (teacher, a Sunday school teacher, church minister, etc.). Are your kids in public school? If so, there should be a counselor on staff, and maybe the counselor can help with identifying the cause. I agree with others, the girls are very fortunate to have you and your love!