Kids Behavior - Atlanta,GA

Very interesting first question.

A lot going on here. She is at the beginning of her preteen stage. They can show signs of selfishness, and uncertainty at the same time.

You need to begin having some private conversations with her about what you are observing.' It concerns me when I see you reacting so negativity, when you are not the center of attention. "

"When we give attention to your siblings, we are not saying you are also not a good person or we are not proud of you."

"No one is more important than anyone else. We are all just as important and I love all of you the same."

"To be a good friend means, being yourself. No one likes a braggart."

" Being humble is a nice trait."

"The nicer you are to others, the nicer they will be to you.."

"This is not all about you."
Here is a book, I suggest.. It is funny, but has a serious subject..
I think it will be fun to read as a family..

http://www.amazon.com/How-Rude-Teenagers-Behavior-Grossin...

One of my best friends fell into a bonfire when she was young (2 yrs old). She was 1 of 3 girls. She was not expected to survive. Her parents like you, spent months at the hospital. The sisters stayed with their grandparents.. The parents were consumed with the child in the hospital.

My friend admits, she loved the attention. When she went home, her recovery meant she did not have to do chores, or work on the farm.., she got her own bed.. special new clothing.. When people saw them in public, she got all of the attention.. etc.

We used to tease her.. Peggy, It is not all about you.. She would laugh.. she knew this was terrible behavior. She always wanted to be the center of attention. She was really funny about the whole thing. She loved the spotlight..

But she knew this was really not the way to behave.. it was like a joke.. But we did love her so much.. She really was special.

You've been through so much, and my heart goes out to you all. You did what you had to do when your daughter was so sick, and it's wonderful that you had Grandma there to help with your baby. It must have been such a comfort to know that you had a loving family member there to care for her while you focused where you needed to during the crisis.

She has had a significant trauma but it is coloring her reactions to everything. It's not helped by her entry into adolescence, obviously. It's more than her feeling insecure with her sister's receiving of attention - it's making her into an unkind and mean person. She's bragging, and that's not going to help her with her peers any more than it's productive now.

I think Laurie has some excellent suggestions and I would echo them. However, I don't think this is within your area of expertise, partly because I think a professional evaluation is in order, and partly because this teen sees you as part of the problem because you are complimenting or paying attention to her sister. I'd get some professional therapy. I'd also ask whether it's wise to have her "reading her medical report" at every doctor's visit. That just focuses her attention on how "special" she was then and puts an unnatural emphasis on how special she expects everyone to treat her now.

Good luck - everyone in the family needs some help here.

How have you handled her up to this point? discipline etc? It's hard to know what you should do without knowing what you've done. You only list her behavior, not yours.

Do you have a therapist or counselor working with her? If you don't, you should.

You should be seeing someone on your own to find out how best to navigate teenhood.

This is probably not something you want to do on your own. Go get some help.

Dawn

10 years later.
Did you spoil her?
Theres a big difference in spoiling a child and valuing a child. A valued child usually feels pretty secure, a spoiled one is co dependent on the parent.

Slowly make changes. Positivety for both kids for any time it's warranted. Don't recognize negativity... only give attention for good things, no attention to bad things. Kids like attention... and thrive on it. If they get attention for being bad, they will continue to be bad to get attention.

The first 3 years are extremely important and kind of "set the tone" if you will as to how a child will behave. Unfortunately, during the majority of this time, you were dealing with her health issues to the exclusion of your other child and giving this one all of your attention. Not that I blame you; you did what you had to do.

BUT that set the tone for her self-centered and selfish behavior. It is going to take a lot of time, but you can change it around to a certain extent.

She is narcicisstic (sp?) and needs to learn empathy. Not really sure how you would teach her this. I would google it and see what comes up.

Good luck!

I was surprised when you said it was 10 years later.

probably counseling would be the way to go, I"m in the process of figuring this out for myself. my dd has some heath issues on going and she has a difficult personality to begin with. but she is only 7 and i do't want to be dealing with this at 13. so i don't know. that's wher i'm at.