I have a 2 and a half year old daughter and a 6 weeks old son. Whenever my inlaws get together I seem to be the one that watches over the children while they play. The toddlers (4 in total) are all under the age of 4. Of course they fight over toys and antagonize each other. I understand this ia part of the way children interact. I believe that is why an adult should be surpervising or even directing their play, this way none of the children playing get hurt. My child has been scratched, bitten, and hit by her cousins. Her cousins are rarely disciplined for their bad behavior, in part because I am the only adult paying attention. Last weekend my mother inlaw told me that I have been isolating myself away from the rest of family and wanted to know why I seemed frustrated. I told her that my frustration comes from being the one who unfortunately falls into the "baby sitter" position at all the family gatherings (that be the way last all day and night). She in turn told me that I should allow the children to work out their problems on their own and that is how they learn. I feel the children are too young (remember they are all under 4)to be left to their own devices. Skills such as problem solving and sharing require teaching and modeling, once children get older they may only need reminding. What do you moms think about her advice and how do I get her to stop offering me unsolicited advice, especially when it comes to my childs safety.
Thanks for your advice and encouragement, please keep it coming
work out their problems on their own?
with what skills?
she's gotta be kidding!!!!
no no no
it's time they took a more active role in teaching their kids and let you get some adult interaction.
You are dead right.
It's not HOW THEY LEARN Great heavens ... they need teaching!
You are correct. Bravo for you that you spoke up to your in-law.
Kids that age need parental supervision. They are not old enough to "work it out on their own." Even teens need parental supervision. What child grows up alone without guidance? No, that is not wise. I agree with your opinion. Be concerned with your own child... and be a Parent since the other adults don't seem to want to "parent" their children. If unsolicited advice gets thrown in your lap.... just ignore it and go about your business of taking care of your children. Your child is first... you are not the other children's "supervisor." Period. Don't leave your kids unattended with the other kids since they seem so out of hand and unruly. Teach YOUR children how to "stay away" from trouble makers. I could go on and on, but you seem to be on par and a good parent. It's the situation when your in-laws get together with the other kids that's the problem. Where is your Husband in all this? You need to get him on board and "enlightened" to this. It's not fair to you OR your (his) children. Yes, those kids are bad role-models and not the kind of children I would want my own children around. And I would never allow "bullying" of this kind to happen to my children or to myself. Think about that. It is bullying, and you are made to feel guilty and "isolated" and "frustrated" for your well intentioned caring. If anything, show this to your husband (if he doesn't understand this unfair situation), and talk with him about it. You need to be a "TEAM" the next time these social get togethers happens and respond as such. You are not their babysitter. How rude of them. Keep your children close to you and play with THEM... you are not obligated to supervise and keep the other unruly children entertained.
Good luck, and I hope this helps, take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo
Katie - first of all, you're your children's mother and you're the only one that's going to have their best interests in mind all the time. You're going to be their biggest cheerleader and you're their protector and defender. Don't second guess your parenting. If you think the kids need supervision then don't doubt that. However, you might want to ask one of the other parents to "help" you supervise the kids playing. You do have a newborn and you should get a break from all the babysitting, especially if it's time for the little one to eat. Don't be afraid to delegate the babysitting responsibility.
As for the Mother in law and unsolicited advice... I think that's just part of being a parent too. I've had to learn to take the bits I like and leave the bits I don't. Someone will ALWAYS have an opinion and advice about how you should rasie your kids - and ultimately, they're your children and you get to decide. You say you're "passionate about being a mom," be confident as well. You're doing a great job!
This is a good time to compromise with your inlaws, because you are both right. Four year olds should not play completely unsupervised, but by that I mean you could be in the next room where you can see and hear them. BUT they do need to be allowed to work things out on their own. You should only step in if there is hitting, throwing, or other potentially harmful behavior going on. Then you need to still encourage them to work things out themselves, but with your guidance; instead of telling them what do do ("give that toy back"), use questions, like "Should you take his toy?" "What should you do instead?" Using questions is a good way to prompt preschool kids (over the age of 2.5 or 3) to think about their behavior. With the younger kids you may need to step in more. But you shouldn't spend the entire time right there with them. I know how much it sucks to show your inlaws that they were even partly right, but don't give in completely- you still need to have an eye/ear on the kids at all times. Just avoid the urge to jump in and be the savior every time there is a conflict. Similarly, don't hesitate to praise a child if they make a good choice, like asking for a turn with a toy instead of taking it.
PS I didn't say they don't need supervising, I said they don't need someone hovering and telling them how to resolve all of their problems (Char). The post immediately after mine is absolutely right- kids who need adults to give them things to do and solve all of their problems will (or already do) lack self esteem and imagination.
I agree that someone needs to be in the room with them. 4 year olds don't work things out, they're just too young for it.
As to what you can do, since everyone else has pretty much covered the bases of what to do when you go there, let me add that you can make up excuses not to go. (Heck, I would!) Nursing a newborn takes a lot out of you. Tell your husband that you'd love to go, but you're just really tired and you'll stay home with the kids. (Unless he'll watch out for them. If he'll do that, take the opportunity to have quiet!) It's amazing how many other things can keep a person at home guilt-free, when you start thinking of them.
I'm going to disagree with the two previous answers - I think someone DOES need to be with the kids, if there are four of them, ages 2.5 to 4. That's awfully young to be in a room on their own! Of course children learn by playing together and working out problems together, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be someone to supervise! We're talking about LITTLE folks here. It sounds like there is a difference in parenting styles with you and your other relatives (which is one of the hardest things to handle in families, I think). That can be SO frustrating!
As for your mother-in-law, I'd just say, "thanks for your input, I'll have to think about that". You aren't agreeing with her necessarily, but you are at least postively responding to her "advice".
I would also consider NOT attending events, if my child is being hurt by others. Obviously that's not always an option, but if I had a choice, I'd prefer to stay home with my kids over letting them play with non-disciplined cousins.
Katie, I've had inlaw problems since before my husband and I were married. You know the show monster-in-law, that's mine only their is a father-in-law too. I also run a daycare out of my home.
Kids can play without someone constantly watching them and directing their play, the only time you need to help them is if someone is going to get hurt. They really need to learn to be independent and come up with their own fun. This way they will find their own ways to come up with fun things to do. Kids get a lot of satisfaction from that. I've watched kids that expect me to always find something for them to do. They don't have as much of an imagination as other kids, they don't have as much self esteem.
Now for the in-law. Honestly that's a hard one and still something that I struggle with. Be glad that she cared to ask why you were isolating yourself. Mines gotten to the point that none of the family will even talk to me at all. I think she means well by giving you the advice even though it was unsolicited. Nost parents think that kids need advice and they've been there and want to help. Some grand parents don't get that we are the parent and if we want their advice we will ask for it.
All you can do is tell her that you think differently about raising children and it is your child. Maybe at some point you can tell her that if you want her advice you'll ask for it.
But I really believe that she meant well by giving you this advice.
