Kids and the Internet

First, you have to be at least 14 to open a MySpace account. (So, you already know your daughter lied about her age if she has an account in her name.) What else is she talking about? Where are the adults in her life to protect her? As a parent, you should have access to her account at any time. With that being said, you can only monitor her when she is with you considering her father is not responsible enough to handle his parential duties as anywhere near important.

Some parents make their kids give them the password to everything and if the child refuses or changes it w/o telling them, then the child isn't allowed to use the computer. MySpace and other online sites are down-right dangerous these days and for parents to turn their backs and think that playing on the internet is as safe as playing in their own backyards are parents playing parent with their eyes wide shut. You need to find a way to open the lines of communication with your daughter and not try to be her friend. You may find resistance at first, especially if she wasn't raised from a young age with the open communication, or her friends are telling her otherwise. Many parents opt to be friends with their kids and forget to parent them. You must be a parent first and foremost, and the friendship will grow from there as the child grows, matures, and enters the world. Parenting always should come first though.

As for her father, he's another story. He sounds a lot like my ex-husband and father of my two younger children. I got custody of the kids full-time though, and after regular visits in he past, he now comes around once in a blue moon, since he got remarried. He has another child (a boy) with his new wife as well as a son from her first marriage living with them.

You can't change anyone but you, so change how you parent and the rest will fall into place. Don't take a second seat to your child. Be in the driver's seat and be an active parent. You may want to check out some parenting books from your local public library. (I'm sure your reference librarian can recommend a few.) Also check in your community for support groups. Start a parenting group in your area. I'm sure there will be other mothers that are willing to come together to share ideas once a week.

Good luck!

C.,
I agree with the advice from everyone else, but I would add one thing. Let your daughter know in a sincere way that you trust her & you think she has good judgment. If you keep reinforcing the message that she is a "good kid" and she values your respect, then she will try to live up to that image. Of course, still go ahead & talk to her about what is appropriate on myspace, because even "good kids" need help sorting things out every once in a while.
Best of luck!

Good Morning C.,

I understand this delicate dilemma.I am not sure how close of a relationship you have with your daughter, but maybe let her know you are aware of her myspace page and see her reaction. And it may not be a bad idea to bring it up to her father just to inform him that she does have a myspace page just to give him a heads up on the situation.

I certainly wish you the best of luck.

God bless,
M.

i am a 29 year old mother of 3 (ages 10,6,5 mo.). I know what you are going through my oldest carlie wants a myspace page so she can chat with her friends and i have told her not yet. she sees that her dad and i have myspace pages and she wants so much to goin in the fun. i would just talk to your daughter about the dangers of the internet and talk with her about the appropriate materials that she should share and just ask her how she feels about her friends pages and if she thinks they are too provocative and let her know what kind of people that may attract. just be honest with her about your feelings and let her know that you just want her to be safe and want her to be cautious on how she percieves herself on this because she could get some preditors trying to contact her or her friends. and just pray that the lord will guide her and i hope that she can judge right from wrong. well i hope this may help you.

Well, this is a tough one. My sister is dealing with her almost 11 year old daughter wanting a myspace page and she has the same concerns as you, so far she's avoided allowing her to have one. Does your daughter's dad know about the myspace thing and her page and friends? I have a myspace page sort of "advertising" my photgraphy business (a place for folks to go to view photo samples) until I get my actual website up and running and I know its easy to get caught up in that community, so I would def. hope her dad is monitering her time on myspace, just to keep things a little under control. My other suggestion would be for YOU to get a myspace page and get on her friends list. Maybe having her Mom on her page will be a nice reminder for her that she still has values and morals and should be a good girl, even on Myspace.
A little story... I have a cousin (19) who has a page, and she added me to myspace and suddenly her messages said things like, "warning: I have family on here" etc. Hello? does she not realize that I'm probably not the only family member who has viewed that page, soemof the things these people list on there for everyone to see just amazes me. Its very sad for me to see how many girls just don't value themsleves like they should.
Well, before I seriously start rambling.... hope some this helped!

I don't know if this will help, but here is what I did. I decided to join myspace myself. I insisted on being added to my daughters friend list, so that I could at least keep an eye on what she was posting. However, the way it turned out... is her friends thought it was really cool that her mom had a page... so they all started asking me to become a friend on their page as well... so without them really knowing my intentions... I became a friend on most of her friends pages and I can go in and keep tabs on them, without them really knowing what's going on...(they just think I'm awesome and cool) If I find something that concerns me, then I calmly talk to my daughter about it. I explain what my issue is... and she usually understands and I've been able to keep her safe and she's even went on to let her friends know the dangers I've explained to her. I guess in the long run.. I've become a myspace mom to many... but I'm okay with it.. because at least these girls are safe and sometimes they listen to me... or my daughter, when they won't listen to their own moms. Not sure if this will help you... but it worked for me. =)
S.

diddo on what kay said. she had to have lied about her age. they don't allow you to have a myspace page until your 14 or 15. (still too young in my oppinion). they will tell you that they can't shut her down, that you have to talk to her and have her shut it down herself.

I am not really sure how to approach the situation. You may try to contact Tom on Myspace. But I do think that it is very important to do so. My 14 year old sister was doing the very same thing and had friends on there that were very risque. I told my mom about it and she told me to keep an eye on it. So I did. About two days later she had meet a sexual predator who started talking to her and the very same day talked her into doing some photos (I will not ellaborate, but I am sure you can figure out what type of photos). He ended up posting them all over the internet. I had noticed him on her page and started investigating him and found the pictures of my sister and many other little girls. MySpace for adults can be a fun, safe thing. But only if you are mature enough to keep yourself safe. It would be better if it you were only allowed to use it if you were 18 or older. Unfortunantly, you can lie about anything(age, name) and so many young kids are always going to be able to get on.

Hi. First I want to say kudos to raising her with the beliefs you have! I believe that this will help the situation a lot in that she was raised to know what things are inappropriate. I have a myspace page too. So I know what you're talking about. It's all over on myspace, my boyfriend's younger sister's are 17 and just turned 15. It amazes me how much more that stuff is amoung them than my 25-30yr old friends thought about. But I think it's a double edged sword in a way.
At this age they are beginning to learn about stuff like that. In high school(and I guess even in middle school now a days) it's something of interest to the kids. But I can remember back when I was in school, it was something we giggled about too. However, now it's a lot more open. I believe for one how you raised her will help in her decisions. And I'm sure in the broad picture there's many who haven't raised their children that way, hence the ones with it plastered everywhere.
But you could just advise her, approach her like you're not coming down on her in a negative way so she won't reject what you have to say. Be more well I was just hoping we could talk and see what you know about putting certain kinds of stuff on the net and how it opens up the doors to stuff you don't want. The bad side of myspace is just cause it says 15yr old, doesn't mean it is. So my friends is all people I know or family. But there's many who the second they get a friends request just say yes no matter who it is. So then anyone can be seeing pics of them or any info put in the comment section. Which, for his younger sis's, is EVERYTHING. We've had to talk to them about that before.
Just reassure her you trust her but you would feel better knowing she understands what can come from putting herself out there like that. There's not much that can be done about her friends, their parents need to step up. But you could tell her and, if handled in a positive way, she'll be more likely to tell her friends. My mom said this isn't a good idea cause this and that can happen, so it could help them in the end. The fact that it's private so not anyone can view it is good. But it still only helps if not everyone who sends a request is accepted. Some of my friends have it set where you can only submit the request if you know the person's last name or the email address so it truly is someone you know.

My son is 15 now.. He started his my space a while back... I saw and read some stuff when he left it signed on by error on my puter... I wss shocked by some of the stuff I read.. I know alot if Made up.. SHOCK value you know... but some I dont know why it even had to be said... I told him NO myspace.. It is not safe.. I know most are his school friends I made him show me who was who... I now have a my space and guess who my friend is on it.. HE cant have it unless I am his friend so I can see his page whenever I want to see it.. He never knows when I will check on it... So his friends could say anything at any time.. and ya know.. his friens are nice..... They dont just hide stuff cuz Mom might be looking.... Ya alot is PMed and But still Be up front with her and say Hey.. Home rules are this you want to be grown up to have this... Lets talk.... It is for your safety.. they do have some freeks.. have it set up so only people you know can get in.. and hey.. once a week or 2 or so.. check out the pages wtih her of who she added.. IF they are not good BLOCK them.... Let her be a part of it.... Good luck!!!

hi C., i would say talk to her. you are at a very critical point. so first talk to her show her the friends requests she should delete or if she gets them you and her look at them and delete them together. if you have brought her up as you say you have im sure she is using good judgement but i would open a my space acct and be added as a friend. and if you see something that you dont like talk to her. and about the headlines i wouldnt pay to much attention to it. be truthfull with her and honest, tell her your concerns and be calm. she will probably act like you are worring over nothing but tell her you are concerned. i have a 15 yr old boy and 6 yr old boy and then 2 girls 3yrs and 4 months. i know there will be big difference between the rules. lol W.

C.,

With your daughter, don't pussy foot around. Be sincere, direct, and honest. Tell her your concerns and allow her to tell you what's going on. Open communication is the key here.

I also suggest you open your own MySpace account and ask to be added to your daughters friend list so you can see her page.

It's true that they don't allow anyone under 14 and you need to talk to her about this. Maybe even make her a deal - You'll allow her to have the MySpace page if it's okay for you to monitor it. If she refuses, then contact MySpace and have the account deleted.

Don't be afraid to talk to your ex where your daughters safety is concerned. I don't know what your relationship with him is or what your custody terms are, but if it means that much to you, keep a record and let your ex know that this might look bad to a judge if something ever comes up in court.

Hopefully that won't be necessary and he will be just as concerned about your daughter's safety as you.

Good luck!

I, too, am a Christian. I have a myspace account, and I know some children in my church who have one as well. One thing I've seen the parents of these children do is to have access to their child's account. They know the child's password, so they can log into myspace and see what kind of activity has been taking place. Some tell their children that if they don't know the people on the child's friends list, they can't be added to their list, which helps with the questionable influences. One mother once saw an inappropriately clothed girl on her son's friends list, and sent a message to her stating that the photo made her look "promiscuous." She later received a message from the girl's mother stating that she agreed with what was said, and the picture was removed. Your daughter can't hide anything that takes place on her account. Her deleted messages remain in the "trash" box for up to ten days or so. There is also an instant message option for myspace members, which has a "message history" option where you can check out what sort of conversations go on there. I'm really not sure how to approach her father about it, but if you don't want to sound too strict, give her the options to either keep the account with your supervision, or to delete the account permanently. I guess one way to approach her father would be to inform him of the risk of letting her have an unsupervised account. Some people can somehow talk their way into being approved onto a minor's friends list, and that can always lead to trouble. I'm sure your ex-husband can understand the severity of a situation like that. However you approach the situation, good luck and God bless!

A. M.

PLEASE be cautious with this one. I agree that if you even let her keep her account that it should be under the condition that you open one and are one of her friends so you can view her page. And don't worry about being too nosy--she's your daughter and she's 12! There's a reason myspace has set it's own age limit of 14 (which I personally consider too young still b/c there is so much trashy material on there and it's hard enough for young kids to stay straight w/o all the garbage thrown at them). My husband and I recently deleted our own myspace accounts. it was hard decision for us because we've used myspace to catch up with old friends and stuff from h.s. and college, but it just started getting raunchy. We'd both get like 4 or 5 friend requests a day that were spam requests with half-naked girls wanting us to join their "singles group" or something like that. Plus, it seems a lot of the pop-up ads on there are loaded with computer viruses or worms. We haven't had nearly half as many critical objects on our anti-virus program as we did when we were actively checking our myspace accounts.
Talk with your daughter honestly about it. If you feel comfortable with her maturity level and responsibility level then you can make the decision to let her keep her page. But make sure that you maintain the boundaries to keep her safe. ANd you need to get on the same page with her dad about this issue, he may feel like it's not a big deal but when you put it in the perspective of his daughter's well being it very well is a big deal. Myspace is a great idea, a place for friends to catch up and see what's been going on in each other's lives--but unfortunately many people take advantage of a good thing and turn it into something bad, dirty or even dangerous (just like Dateline reported that some of the sexual predators on "To Catch a Predator" found their "victims" on myspace). Just use caution, like I said if everything she does is on the up and up it will be fun for her and her friends but you have to make sure she's mature enough. GOod luck :)

According to MySpace rules, she's not allowed to have a myspace page until she's 14, which means she's lied about her age to open an account. You could inform myspace of the age issue, but I don't know if they'll do anything about it. One option is to make a myspace account yourself so you can go to her page frequently to monitor what she's doing, but other than getting her dad to shut down her page, I don't know what you can do. You can talk to myspace about closing her account, but I think they'll just tell you to get her password from her to shut it down...good luck with that. Besides, she'll probably just open up another one anyway. Talk with her honestly about your values and sexuality in a non-embarrassing way, and hopefully she'll make good choices for herself. Good luck!