Just Need to Vent... - Arlington,TX

J.,
I had no one either but it was because I couldn't trust my mom with the boys when they were little.
Diane S. gave you a great suggestion. I would just add make it very clear what you expect while you are gone. I found out by accident that one girl we hired was on the phone the whole time we were gone. She didn't know we didn't have call waiting!
Victoria

If you go to a church, you could talk to the youth group leader. I did at our church and she pointed me towards the teens who were the best babysitters, and it's been nice for us, even though we only use one every few months.

I felt so sad after reading your post. Seems to me that you're feeling anger over something you have no control over and which really doesn't have anything to do with your situation. I suspect that by being angry at those who are "taking advantage" of their parents you're avoiding the anger that would be normal over not having time for yourself. By being angry at others you don't have to consider what you can do to help yourself. I'm glad to see that you've received many ideas of possible ways that you can have some very needed time for yourself and your marriage.

I do want to add that I have my grandchildren over at my house often. One stays nearly every Thursday night and the other every Friday night. I also have them over at many other times, whenever my daughter and son-in-law need a babysitter. I don't ask my daughter how she and her husband spend that time. That's their business.

I do this because I very much enjoy having them around. I do have to say no every once in awhile because I do have a life of my own, too.

Unless the parents about which you're complaining are going out and drinking with you, what business is it of yours? Going out and drinking, even partying is a legal and acceptable form of entertainment. If this activity prevents the children from receiving good care then it's everybodies' business and should be reported to the Children's Services Division of the State Department of Human Services. That's the extreme that your venting brings to my mind. And if the grandparents don't want to babysit then it's their responsibility to say no. It's not your responsibility to decide that they're being taken advantage of. I would guess, based on my own and my friend's experiences that the grandparents are doing this out of love and no so much obligation. But either way, each of us is responsible only for our own actions.

I am glad that you have a good relationship with your husband and I'm especially appreciative of the difficult life you must have. I'm glad that you're going to school and that you are a responsible parent. So why are you wasting your energy on what others are or are not doing? You do need some time for yourself and with your husband. So, please, find a way to have one night a month or more out of the house. I think that once you find a way to have fun, you'll feel less judgmental of others. You have the ability to make changes for yourself!!!!!!!!!You don't have to depend on family! Yes, it would be easier if you had family near by. "It is what it is!" You can deal with it or not. It;s your choice.

So you're just venting and don't want responses? If so, then I can sympathize, because things we vent about often aren't rational.

Because this isn't rational. Other people's situations, while enviable, are none of your business.

I had no help either. No money and no help. No family around and when my mother visited she didn't much like kids anyway, so she only criticized. I barely did anything outside of the home or get much of a break for years and years. I lived through it, and it was all still worth it.

right there with you, although i don't criticize the moms around me who have the support of the family. if anything, i envy them. we have been raising our 5 year olds on our own since the day they were born. it has taken a toll on our marriage, but to no fault of any of us, it just we are on raising kids 24/7. we haven't been on a date since the kids were born, and frankly, by now, i don't even want a date night. all i want is be able to sit and read after kids go to bed.

I can hear the frustration in your voice so rather then join in I am going to try to offer you a solution. I like you never had a babysitter, my mom did live close by but she had her own life and I only asked her for special occasions. I felt as if my kids were my responsibility and not hers. If you are having trouble trusting someone why not go to your local high school and hire a mothers helper. This will give you the opportunity to spend time with this person while you are home. You will get to see how they interact with your child, and how your child reacts to them. After a few weeks you should be able to reach some level of comfort with this person and then start leaving them with the baby. Even if it is for a quick dinner and then go from there. I do not think you and your husband are going to be able to go on forever without a night out. If you begin now slowly interviewing people you will eventually find that special person to sit with your child. I own a childcare center and I have some wonderful college girls that have been working with me for almost 4 years now. They babysit all of the time for families of children who attend my school and are very responsible Good luck!

My hubby & I had our oldest when I was just 17... she later did move in with her grandparents and is still there 15 yrs later - kinda a long story, but one of the few things in my life I hate myself for giving up so easy.

We are currently 32 & 35... and have 3 kids living with us (5 yr, 4 yr & 2 1/2) with one on the way. We are low income & don't have the money to go out. Yes, grandparents live close, but we don't take the kids there & just drop them off. Now and then one will go over to stay the night at my in-laws, but that hasn't happened in about a year. The last time hubby & I were out alone was for our 14th anniversery in Oct 2008 - last year we took the kids to a movie for our anniversery.

Yes, it does bother me when people just drop kids off where ever to go out drinking and parting. I can uderstand your flustration and with such a little one it can be harder because they take so much of your time.

If you are looking to have a night with your hubby - can you try a night in. A special dinner w/ drinks by candle light and a rented movie. I know it would be at home, which isn't what you are really looking for. But you are a super mom for moving so far from home and taking such good care of your baby all alone with just your man.

Good luck finding peace with the people around you!

I am sorry you are having a tough time. I didn't think some of the responses below were very nice to you though, so I had to say something myself. :) I just want to encourage you that it will get better. Maybe the difference you are seeing between you and your friends is that you are just more mature then they are.
Are there any "mommy groups" you can get involved with in your area? I would try to look for opportunities to meet more moms that are like-minded with you. Maybe at church or the park or any social places you go with the kids. Try to expand your circle of friends. Maybe even try to befriend some moms older than you too. That will give you a chance to build a friendship with someone you can trust to leave your kids with long enough to have a date night. Situations change, and you will have new and different friends over the months and years to come. I'm sure you will find someone you can trust as a babysitter before long and you will get that much needed time with your hubby. :)

Totally understand your frustration. Perhaps instead of trying to find a sitter you could have parents and kids over to your house. That way everyone benefits....the kids get other kids to play with and the adults can hangout and talk with other adults all while knowing the kids are cared for.
P.S. Kudos to you! You seem like a very responsible Mom! Great job!

We had the same situation when we had our oldest child. We learned to work with it. Go out and rent a movie and pick up take out after you put your little one to bed. Light some candles and have a romantic dinner together then curl up on the couch and watch the movie. You say you are young but these are decisions you made. Were you living close to family when you decided to have children? Are you active in your church? Look for older people at church who can act as grandparents for your children. We lived in several places when we were younger and we always had friends our parents and grandparents age who loved our children. Most of them had grandchildren who lived far away and they missed them. You mentioned your friends go out drinking. Is that the problem? Maybe you need to find a group of friends who have other priorities. We had some friends who we would go to their house every Friday night, we took our playpen and put our child to bed in it. We would then eat, drink a glass of wine and play cards or board games for hours. We have not lived near each other in 19 years but we are still very close and we email at least a few times a week and call on a regular basis. They had a lot of family close by and we were always included in their family activities. Look at this as a positive opportunity to make new more mature friends and stop focusing on the negative. Good luck, it is not easy to feel so alone. You never know, mothers my age whose children are in college and do not yet have grandchildren are sometimes very happy to be asked to keep a child. I still love babies even though I do not want any more of my own.

There are some very good and dependable baby sitters out there that can be trusted and I bet some of these mom's will have a name or number for you. You need a date with your husband and even once a week is not unreasonable. Church nursery workers are some of the best, older mom's themselves and drive, etc. If you need help-ask us and we'll give names and references.

Been there done that!!!

I was 23 when my son was born, and just *starting* school... and DH about 2 years in, but all of my 'mom-friends' were in their 40's. They just never seemed to get it that paying 2 tuitions, living on student-loans, all while raising a child meant that we couldn't afford to hire a babysitter even once a week... much less 2-4 nights a week, much LESS hire 1 nanny, and forget about 2... and that there was no way in hail, that we could afford $40 a plate plus a bar bill. I'm sorry, but an average of $100+ a night might as well have been a million, and $400-$600 a week purely for going out? Ha Ha! Sorry. Not gonna happen.

I remember being very very envious of people who had already set up their lives and finances before having children (yet extremely happy with my own life). I think regardless of when and where you are... when your friends are in a different place, it makes things difficult.

One thing DH and I started doing was to "pay our friends to study" once or twice a month. :) Have a schoolmate come over *after* bedtime, pay them $20 (or feed them), and they got a quiet place to study while DH and I went out. When kiddo was very young he sometimes woke at 10pm, but usually not until 12-1am. Our friend would either feed change him, and if he didn't go right back down, we'd come home OR they'd just give us a ring and we'd come home. If it was still early we'd often go back out. Of course we picked our uber-responsible 3.982gpa schoolmates who would actually use / need the time.

Another option other young parents/ or parents of young'un's at our school would do is to hire a student from the Early Education Program. Sometimes, it could even count as an internship for them depending on the number of hours. Since both DH and I were in intensive programs (and had our own flat), we had our pick of uber-responsible friends, who were frequently stuck studying in loud dorms or uncomfy libraries, who jumped to come to our place for real food or beer money for the weekend. ((Ahem, we also made a habit of going out midweek)).

I'm sorry you feel so bad, J..
Our parents are also far away and when my son was born, nearly 3 years ago, we were still both grad students.
We just arrived in the United States and knew nobody who could help us.

And, another thing that made it worse to accept was that all our friends were also students - child-free students. So, all what we would hear all day was about this or that party/restaurant/concert... and we strongly felt that we were missing on something. I confess that I often would envy them, especially on Saturday nights ;-)

It was easier for us than for you to cope because we were older and already had enjoyed the student's night life enough in our past.
Now, we are not students anymore and most our friends are parents. So, they all face the same struggle of "how to have a date together without the children".

It's always easier to accept our difficulties when people around us face the same. Most of my friends now share the same concerns as I do (picky eaters, sleeping through the night, finding me-time, dating husband...), so we can vent together and feel part of the mom community.

But, being the one who cannot go out because of the baby, when it seems that everyone else is having fun and spending their Saturday partying is hard. Just remember you're not alone struggling with finding time/money/help to go out. Many - if not most - moms of babies on this forum face the same issues.

You may try to find a baby sitter, not several times a week, but once a month and have her come after baby is asleep. Her only responsibility would b quiet, so baby remains asleep and you wouldn't need to stress so much about finding a person you know and trust, as you do with your grandparents.

As you wrote, you have a wonderful life, and this is just a "detail" you wanted to vent on. In a couple of years, you will have a degree, a job and some more money to go out and enjoy. You have a great baby, husband, house, dog... You are blessed. You are preparing yourself for a great life. Don't let anger or envy mask all your blessings or ruin your happiness.

On the flip side and in addition to your feelings about it... well, I know some grandparents at my daughter's school. They "vent" to me too... about how much time and how often, they "babysit".... on weekends, on weekdays, at nights etc., so their parents can be by themselves or go out. It is not just young parents, but parents of all ages.
These Grandparents, feel "taken advantage" of many times too... and THEY have their own lives and activities on the weekends or during the week too, or they just want peace and quiet and to relax. But, they feel "obligated" to watch their grandkids and they are not "asked" if they can help... but just "told" of when the grandkids will be over at their house. They are on-call. So in this respect, it can be a burden, to grandparents, especially if they are old and have health issues too.

But, both sides can say that they want or don't want to babysit. My own Aunty used to do that, to my Grandma. She was real old, not feeling well... but my Aunty would have her watch my baby cousin everyday. My Grandma would say she doesn't feel well... but it went on deaf ears. It turned out she had cancer.

Anyway, there are all spectrums of Grandparents babysitting eagerly or not. Burdened or not. And the parents having lots of time-off to go out or not. But yes, no one, young or old, should feel like they are being taken advantage of for babysitting. And, the parent(s) of the kids, should not take it for granted that Grandparents are always available... they would like a day off too. Even though their grandkids are special and loved.

For yourself, try and find a babysitter, that you trust. Maybe even a good friend. Even if it is for only 2 hours or less.

All Moms, feel this way at times. My kids have a Grandma at home... but even at that, I do not dump my kids on her. She is busy as well, has her health to watch out for... and she is in her 70's. I only ask her to babysit if I have to... and I ask her first... telling her that she can say yes or no, and its fine.

Venting is fine. Women need to do that. And just to commiserate.

take care,
Susan

Not sure where you live but many daycare have drop in nights on the weekends for $25. They are adults watching them and CPR certified. Our kids loved it because we called it a sleepover. They feed them, do crafts, games, and then they get pj's on, brush teeth and watch movies. That is what we did before we met people. We have no family here either. Also I am a girl scout leader and now know many repsonsible girls would can babysit, so try the girl scouts in the your area.

hi J.,

I know, it's pretty amazing. But we live in a selfish society, and these grandparents raised selfish kids. Let us not make the same mistake.

I had a mom available but I knew she would resent me terribly if I ever asked her to watch my kids. She was very selfish with her time and even punished my father if he wanted to come over and see his grown kids on the weekend instead of taking her to the jewelry fairs she spent thousands at.
In 15 years, asked her to watch my kids twice. Once, to come to my house for A DAY when I was in Labor with child #2, and again when I was in labor with child # 3. I left the hospital 6 hours after my third was born.

I didn't date my husband until my first born was 8 and my youngest 2. We got involved in a church, and a MOPS group. Through these avenues, I found other moms with teens who were once in my shoes and wanted to help the new moms.
I'm 45 and my oldest is now 13, and I find myself offering babysitting to other young homeschool moms, because I know how hard it is in the early years. Try to get hooked up with other moms, (I would look for older mothers.) I think somehow you will find a good person who can help out.
God Bless,
Gail

i have some of those same friends! lol. so sorry sweetie. hang in there, is all i can say. try to take a breath and be grateful for what you have. you know how lucky you are. and i know you're just venting frustration. i think since i've had my son (he is three and a half) we have had about three or four actual "dates", and one two night stay at a hotel. when it gets to be a huge issue is when we somehow manage to find a way to do it- maybe you're at that point! even if it's having someone come about 8:00 or 9:00 after your baby is asleep and just "be" there while you and hubby go out for a bit. but another thing to consider - your baby is only 7 months old. i don't think i was comfortable leaving my son with anyone except my mom, for closer to a year and a half or so. 7 months is SOOO little still! hang in there! it'll get better :) you are a young mom and a lot of being a mom is adjusting to a new lifestyle. unfortunately (most of us) can't just drop everything and go party like we're 21 anymore. don't really think i would if i could anyway. but you ARE only 23 so you are feeling it more. it's an adjustment. hang in there mama!

I know the feeling. It's been months since my husband and I have gone out together. We have family here but they are not up to or don't want to watch kids. I don't like leaving them with my mom. She will watch them but I can tell she is doing it reluctantly. She does watch my sister daughter while she works but complains about it. My niece is very active and my mom has stated she does not need to be changing diapers at this point in her life. So, about those parents who just drop the kids off with grandparents, "people will only get away with what they are allowed to do'. because my mom would not be going for it. No way could I just drop my 5 and 3 year old off because I don't feel like being bothered.
Also, husband's mom is 76 years of age and she is in no condition to babysit. My sister has kids of her own to deal with and SIL has her own issues right now with trying to find employment.
It's another satruday night and all I have to look forward to this weekend is doing a load of laundry and preparing myself to get up on Monday morning so I can start another work week.
I know it's very difficult to find somone whom you can trust. I'm just about at the point myself where I'm considering finding a sitter for a few hours per week. But, we already pay for daycare during the week so the financial part is also something to consider.
I think it's great to have outside support when trying to raise kids because it's something one person or even two cannot do without some help from time to time. But, to take advantage of the help is another issue.

I'm totally with you too J.. I live in Central America right now with my husband and daughter. There is no one to babysit and even if I did find someone there is no way I would trust them. So our daughter goes everywhere with us because we have no other option. It drives me crazy to hear from a friend in the states who has a nanny but yet she's a SAHM. I knew this is how it was going to be when we moved here so it doesn't bother me too much but friends at home dropping their kids off with the grandparents at every possible moment is crazy they need to be responsible for their own kids.