Just Had a Healthy Boy, but I'm Scared of Not Being Able to Take Care of 2 - Havertown,PA

Every Mom has this fear...really. You wonder how you will handle it all and you just get into a routine and you just do. You are in the most hectic stage right now with two very young and very demanding kids. About the same time that I had my 2nd baby, my next-door neighbor had her 3rd. She gave me the most wonderful advice when I asked her. She said that when all 3 kids need something at the same time, then someone was just going to have to wait. So simple, but I had never thought of it like that before. It will be fine if one child waits 5 minutes while you change the other child's diaper.

It is so hard now, but I promise that it will get better.

1) The reason why most try to have help for the first few weeks is that it CAN'T all be done by one person (easily or well, its doable, just unnecessarily painful & difficult). So you're looking at being UNABLE to do everything... Thinking its always going to be like that. Nope. Its like having a leg in a cast and freaking out about not being able to run/swim/etc. You WILL be able to run/swim. Once the cast is off. You WILL be able to take care of 2 kids once you've Recovered. From. Childbirth. Until then, you need help. Which isn't the end of the world. Its just normal. To continue the parallel ... Even with a leg in a cast you could run/swim in an emergency. This is not an emergency. This is family coming together. A thing to be grateful for, not terrified & plagued with self doubt. If you HAD to, you could. When you need to, you shall.

2) Your daughter's life is going to be different. Not worse. Just different. You'll figure out how to do everything you do now to meet her NEEDS (as opposed to wants) ... In a different way. Example: Having her feel special & useful by helping mommy by getting the books she wants read to her and bringing them to you. Nurse with one arm, hold her with the other, and have her turn the pages of the book.

3) Im not sure when "spoiled" became a good thing. Synonyms that don't have balloons attached are : Ruined, worthless, useless, rotted. A child can be exceptionally wealthy & well loved WITHOUT being spoiled. Not-Spoiling isn't about not having... Its about understanding, empathy, awareness, gratitude, etc. Not neglect. As long as you associate raising 2 children as neglecting 1 in favor of 1... You're going to be at war with yourself. When, in fact, you will probably find that each child adds to every other child's life, not detracts from it.

Really. You're going to be fine. You've got this. Just cut yourself some slack.

You have some great advice already.

I just want to add another perspective...that is, I am one of 7 children, my mom is the eldest of 10, my dad one of 5....I never once had the thoughts or fears that you detail above when having my own children. What you describe is absolutely foreign to me. All children adapt. We're family. They'll learn to love and accept their sibling, if you role model that.

S., once you recover from birth and delivery, you will find a way, and you don't even need to nurse the the baby with one arm and walk around doing other stuff. Just sit down and nurse the baby, and have your 2 year old snuggle with you on the other side. This is advice that I wish I had taken myself, as I did indeed accomplish many tasks with a baby on the breast and doing things with my 'free' arm or hand. I look back now and wish I had laid down every single time and just gazed at both of my kids.

Congratulations on your new little boy! Caring for two little ones is an adjustment, but millions of woman have accomplished it, and so will you. I have confidence in you.

Expect things to be a little confused for a while. You may not be able to get into a real routine as you might have had before your son was born. But that's all right - you'll all survive. I'm so glad you've been able to have some help. Ask your husband (and your mother, if she lives nearby) to continue helping. Welcome any offer of help that is given! You ARE going to get used to taking care of your children, but you ARE going to be tired, so take advantage of any offers of help with the housework.

Your son is less than two weeks old. You can pad a laundry basket or even a big box if you don't have a bassinet or a portacrib. When he falls asleep with a full tummy, you can put him down right near you.

When you change his diaper, let your daughter watch. Ask her to hold the clean diaper for you and hand it to her when you need it. Explain what you are doing. Babies don't know as much about going to the bathroom as she does (I don't know if she's still in diapers or not, but you can adapt this to the situation), so his diaper has to be changed very often. He can't say, "Mama, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I've got a tummyache," so he has to cry instead, and we try to guess what he wants. Little Brother can't even hold his head up! - "Aren't you glad you can hold your head up?" - so we are very careful when we hold him. Keep explaining. When you're nursing, that's a great time to have Big Sister bring a book for you to read to her. You can count things in the room. You can try some ABCs of what's in the room. There are a lot of things you can do with Big Sister while you're attending to Little Brother's needs.

Do you have some music you both can listen to - both "kid stuff" and grown-up music that's suitable for her? Put it on. (Many toddlers love classical music if they have the opportunity to hear it.) Let her dance if she likes to do that. Sing together, even if it's "La la la." Tell her stories. If she's talking well, let her tell you stories if she wants to. If she likes to draw pictures, get her a pad of BIG paper and some washable crayons so she can make pictures for her family while she's right near you. (Don't give her markers or anything that could make a real mess - just a little mess.)

The idea is that while you are holding Little Brother, changing him, feeding him, rocking him, you are strengthening the bonds of communication with your daughter. You're not neglecting anybody. And Little Brother isn't going to mind a bit that you're talking big-kid matters with Big Sister while Mama is cleaning him up.

When you venture out with both your children, plan to take more than twice the amount of time than you're used to (or than you think you ought to take). Don't try to be Supermom. Don't do too many errands at a time - maybe two at the most - or just one is fine. Here, too, you talk Big Sister through it. "Little Brother can't do anything for himself yet, so let me put him in the cart first with his car seat. Then I'll put you in, and you can help me find the crackers. "Do you remember what a 'C' looks like? Let's find C-for-crackers. ...That's the box we like to take home! What color is it?"

We're all cheering you! Before long you'll wonder what you were so worried about, and you'll be encouraging other mamas.

Honey, I think all moms go through this to an extent.

Having kids so closely together can be a challenge, to be sure, but you just have to remember that you will get into a swing and a flow and things will come naturally to you. Your new baby is only 10 days old. It's so brand new.
You will figure things out out of necessity.

My neighbor had a baby boy exactly 30 days before my daughter was born. I did daycare for him when mom went back to work. I had two newborns to take care of. It was like having twins except the little boy weighed more than twice what my little daughter weighed. I nursed my daughter and put the boy baby in his stroller and rocked him with my foot until she was done, then I switched and gave him his bottle and rocked my daughter with my foot in the stroller. I cuddled with both of them, had floor time with both of them, I just learned to juggle. I had two babies who needed my affection and attention at different times and in different ways. We just got into a system and routine. I had that little boy for over 4 years. I taught him to walk as I taught my daughter to walk. I potty trained him.
That little boy and my daughter were as close as brother and sister and loved each other.

Kids adapt very easily most of the time. Don't feel overwhelmed. Try not to let them see you sweat.
You have been very blessed and you will work all of this out and your kids will be happy and love each other as siblings. They really will.
It's also normal for your first baby to revert to baby ways with a new infant in the house. She's still very young, but tell her how important it is that she is the big sister. Encourage her to help you with the baby by getting a diaper for him or handing you the wipes. Give her a couple of choices of things to dress the baby in. Maybe give her a special little bracelet because she's such a wonderful sister.

You won't lose your bond with your daughter and you will be able to bond with your new baby. You WILL find your way.

Best wishes to you and congratulations on your new son.

This is so normal! I go through the guilt thing every time I have a new baby and I just had #4. Believe me that it will all work out. Right now you are still recovering. Take it easy. Let your mom help out. Reading books is a great way to spend time with the older child while you nurse and another great way is playing make believe games. You don't need hands for that. Also get a comfortable nursing pillow like a boppy and that will give the baby extra support and allow you more freedom to do quiet activities with her while you nurse like puzzles, coloring, Candyland, etc. Hang in there and take sometime to relax and recover. It will all fall into place before you know it. :)

You can do it! Having kids close together in age is hard in the beginning, but soon you will find yourself wondering where they have gotten off to and wondering what you should do with yourself! The first year will be hard, but you can do it.

Be preemptive: change diapers and feed baby or 2 year old before you know the other one will need you. Feed newborn every three hours during the day. Yes, wake her up. This forces the longer sleep block at night, and baby should be sleeping good by 6 weeks. But being proactive about meeting needs lets you meet most needs without too much chaos.

Also, remember, it's good for both kids to learn to wait their turn. Patience is taught, so in many ways, you will be doing your oldest a favor.

Also remember, what you are feeling right now is hormones! Don't listen to them. They make you question what you are doing :-)

Congrats!

One thing with kids, no matter how old they are when you have the 2nd child is:
You NEED TO.... verbally assure them. As well. Don't just let them "guess" at what you are wondering they are wondering about.
TELL your eldest "Mommy loves you! Always! Even if I am busy."
Reassure, them.
Look at them with your eyes, while you are nursing your 2nd... let her know that you love her and are thinking of her and that she IS special. Tell her and talk to her when you are nursing etc.
Tell her she is special.
You are not "abandoning" her. When the baby is napping, then you be with her.
Bonding with your first born, is not only by physical needs.
When I was nursing my 2nd, my first born would be next to me, I'd have toys near me, and she would do that. And all the while, I would be talking to her, with her, etc.
I was not "ignoring" her.

It is lots more to do, with a 2nd child.
You just have to find your routines. With both of them.
Try to have them nap at the same time.
I did that with my kids, once I had my 2nd baby.
I always talked... with my first born. I let her tell me anything, and told her.... "You can tell me anything, don't worry, I am always here for you....no matter what..." and I kept my word and she knew it.

Have a routine of things. Kids need routine. And it also helps the older one to know that.
And your Husband HAS TO HELP. From now on. Not just now.

You cannot make EVERYONE happy.
You will not lose your bond with your daughter.
You can and will, have a bond with both.
I am very close with both my kids. Ever since they were born.
And no matter how busy I was with them, and am still... they EACH know, that I am there for them. Even if/when I am busy. They know. And I also... taught them, that they can express their feelings to me, anytime, and I am there for them, even when they are grumpy.

I told my eldest "Mommy knows you are a little child yourself. You are not older just because there is baby brother now. You are still, yourself. I know that..."

With my eldest, talking with her a lot, about her feelings and reassuring her, really helped. She still knew, I was close to her.

I had the same worries going from 1 to 2. What happens is that it all falls into place. You find a way. You figure out new patterns as the family dynamic changes and adjusts.

I would start a journal of when the new baby eats and sleeps and soils the diaper. You'll probably start noticing patterns that you can work around. Include your older child in helping with small tasks for the baby.

Try to rely less on your mom while she's staying with you, too. Take the children out to the park by yourself for a while. Go to the store on your own with them to pick up shampoo, Advil, V-8 and a new book for your daughter to pick out that you can read to her at bedtime.

And just take it all slowly. It will work out because that's just what happens.

They will both be just fine. I have a home daycare so by the time I had my second child I was used to juggling 3 or more kids at a time. The nursing does add an extra element of difficulty to it though. I read so many books to those kids when I nursed to this day my now toddler thinks books=boobs. I once nursed my second born while lifting another child off the toilet. You learn to multitask and it will give your first born the opportunity to rely on herself to more. An absolute must in my mind is getting a good baby carrier (they can be pricey but you can get them used for cheaper) I have an Ergo and it helps take the strain off your back as your hands are free for other tasks . It makes a world of difference. I even learned how to nurse the baby in the carrier as well which can be trickier but it really helped to be able to take the kids in the backyard and just nurse her right out there in the carrier with my hands free. There are youtube tutorials that are really helpful.

Try putting some of her toys away and rotating them every week or two so they will be more novel and she can play more independently. Keep some easier art supplies nearby that she can play with (crayons, markers, watercolor paint, playdoh). Oh and let her watch a show if you need to! During maternity leave, my first watched so much TV which I hated to do but desperate times...by the time the daycare kids returned, she was too busy with them to ask for t.v.

Best of luck--its so normal to feel this way!

You will do it. Necessity necessitates. Whenever you are feeding the baby, have your daughter sit with you. You can do a puzzle, read to her,
coloring books, etc. Bonds wont be lost..you will do just fine.

I had my son when my daughter was 2. I wondered how it would work. I am a single Mom and had my Mom helping for the first two weeks, but then i was on my own. You will not be able to meet your daughter's every need immediately, but that is okay. She will learn the wonderful gift of delayed gratification. Your son will start going more than 10 mins between feedings as he gets older and that will help. But honestly your daughter will learn some good things from your having to take care of another person. Have her help out when you can. Put the diapers within her reach and have her go get you one when you need to change him. Include her when you can and don't worry too much. It is hard, but very doable. The first weeks of adjustment are the hardest. and it takes a few months to figure it all out. Your kids will benefit from having a sibling more than they would benefit from your complete and undivided attention. At least that is my opinion. And I think they will learn wonderful new things. The best thing I can offer is to try not to worry too much, try to relax and try your best to enjoy your children. I would often nurse my son and run to prepare things for my daughter by placing him in the swing or crib for a few minutes. As he got older, he lived in a carrier first on my front but then on my back. Meals were things I could throw in the crockpot. I dreaded the grocery store and did as much shopping as I could online. But I had to go get perishables and I tried to go when my daughter was not tired. A wrap or baby carrier can also help with nursing while doing things, that way both your hands are free. You will find your way! Both your kids will be okay. You will be okay. It is scary and it does feel overwhelming and sometimes impossible. Just take a breathe at those times. It will get better and easier, and you will figure out the best way to handle two kids for you.

I'm sure you have some great answers here, haven't read them, but I'm sure there are people to lend some encouragement and advice.

So I'd just like to say two things --- most importantly, let yourself breath and calm down. Let God help you, let your angel help you. Let peace wash over you and simply relax. I know that can be a lot easier said than done, but just take a few minutes every day and just let it all go, make your mind and emotions just go and fill yourself with God's peaceful well-spring. And know you can do this. You are a family together you stand strong and healthy. Let your little one be a part of baby's needs and time. You are her mother not her entertainer.

Secondly, I suggest getting a baby sling or other type of baby carrier that is comfortable for you and baby leaving your hands free or semi-free. Do not get one that faces the baby outward as this is unhealthy, get one that cradles the baby making him feel like he's in the womb. These carriers expand as the baby grows. Get use to using it and baby will too. This way you can interact with your 2yr. old a little more freely.

Sending you prayers of peace and confidence. Congratulations and let yourself Enjoy.

Deep breath - don't be so hard on yourself. One thing you need to remember - you CAN NOT MAKE everyone happy. It's not humanly possible. But you can have a strong bond. Just keep loving her like you do. Involve her - let her hand you wipes when you change him, little jobs like that. Pick 2 outfits and let her choose which one he can wear. Have mommy son days and mommy daughter days, daddy son and daddy daughter days. Really, just remember, you have to REALLY WORK HARD to destroy the love and bond a child has with a parent. You won't be perfect, but you will be fine. :)

My daughter was 2 when her brother was born. We spent many breastfeeding sessions, reading, playing pretend with her little stuffed animals, watching her play dress up, etc. There are so many things you can do to interact with her as baby feeds. I remember being on the couch a lot with the youngest while my little princess drew pictures for me. Try to set her up with an activity or meal before you sit down to breastfeed. It will get easier. Baby will eat quicker and you will be able to use at least one hand to help your daughter. This is the tricky period where you are just getting used to everything.

Establish some daily rituals with her, so she knows you will still spend time with her. Sing her favorite song when she wakes up, read her a story before bedtime, etc. to make her feel special. She knows you love her. Honestly, some moments, the little one had to wait a bit while I gave some quality attention and nurturing to the older one. It's okay for them to cry a tiny bit while you help your oldest. Take a breath, make sure your oldest is okay, then help baby. It's just a little balancing act of including both of the kids in what you do. Wear your baby, even in the house sometimes, and then you can enjoy activities with your oldest too. Honestly my son was more her "side-kick" in the beginning. He just tagged along to her library story-time, play group, swim lesson, etc. for a while. He did fine and she was happy. You can do this!

Lots of great advice! I still remember crying when my husband had to go back to work after 2 wks with our second. Our children are 19 mo apart. I had no idea how I was going to do it. I was hormonal, exhausted, had baby blues, it was the middle of the winter.. It was hard. We don't have much help so I'd just give myself "pep talks" I'd tell myself this is all you, you can and will make it. We got into a routine and things fell into place. My dd was. Great helper and I involved her in ds care. Now he's 15 mo and she's 34 mo and they are best friends. It gets easier every day. Or highly recommend a moby wrap so you can hold baby and play with your toddler. Then when baby is a few months old I highly recommend an ergo. Worth every penny. I still carry both kids in it and nurse ds in it. You are doing great and you will find your routine!

One day, soon, your daughter won't even remember what life was like before your son was born. Giving her a sibling is a wonderful gift. Long after you and your husband are gone, they will have each other.

It is hard adjusting to a second baby. I remember feeling like I wasn't able to be as good a mom to my oldest when #2 was born, but we did it. you will too. While you are nursing the baby, read to your daughter. When the baby is sleeping (which they do all the time at first), do something special with her. Include her in caring for the baby, even if it is just getting you the pacifier or a diaper when you need it.

Hang in there. It will be okay! You are probably sad because you are exhausted, and your hormones are raging after the baby's birth. Soon you'll have a little bit of a routine down, and things will seem easier. :)

she'll be great-and you will be a shining example of what it takes to be a good mommy-explain everything you do and she will learn a valuable lesson-what it truly means to love someone.

You'll be fine. I have two - a two year old and a six month old. Most days are a matter of one foot in front of the other and prioritizing with thoughts sprinkled in of 'what on earth I am doing' or 'how am I going to survive.' My house isn't always clean and my laundry isn't always done. However, with my husband's help we get everyone fed, loved and played with. I figure that is good enough in the scheme of things. They won't always be small babies and children with high needs. Part of me reminds myself to enjoy each day because it will all be gone in a short while. Each phase is only a season.

To give you hope I recently got home with both of my children. My youngest was asleep in his infant carrier so I put him on the floor. My oldest was helping me bring groceries in the house. At one point my oldest squatted down beside the infant carrier and folded his hands in his lap. I was watching him like a hawk because he is still learning to be gentle with his baby brother. After a long pause he reached out and stroked the top of his brother's head. He said, "Momma, I wanna wake him up." I told him to leave my youngest to his nap. My oldest paused and then replied, "But, Momma, I wanna play with him." What could I say to that? In my mind it proved that in only six short months my oldest has adapted and actually enjoys his younger sibling. Honestly how much playing can a baby do and yet my oldest loves to play with his brother. My oldest asks about his brother whenever they are apart and seeks him out to play. Such is life. Children adapt and families grow. Love multiplies; it doesn't divide. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!

do you have a breast pump? if you don't and cant afford a good one, a women's health center may be able to help you out.
but if you do have a breast pump, pump a few bottles of milk - as much as you can, and when its time for feeding, let your husband spend some bonding time with your son, or let grandma feed. The good quality breast pumps and bottle nipples are designed so the baby will not "get used to the bottle and not feed from the breast again" so don't be worried about that. ( I used the brand Avent, and had no problems) so while daddy or grandma are feeding, you can be spending a lot more one on one time with your 9 yr old, while still having baby fed and some bonding between dad and grandma. worth a try!
good luck and let us know! hope this helps!

I felt/feel the same exact way! You'll make it through somehow. At first, my older son (3) spent lots of time on the floor of my younger son's room while we were nursing. I had a special "nursing" drawer there for my first son to open when I was busy feeding the second. There were books we could read just in that room, and quiet toys he could play with only while I was feeding my second son.

The toughest thing was realizing that I needed to prioritize myself (getting water, food, bathroom breaks for me) because that was what my second son needed for my milk supply. My second son has been a fantastic sleeper and is a lot more patient. It is probably because I haven't been able to respond to him as quickly as I did with my first son so he has learned to wait.

One thing that I didn't realize was that the whole jealousy thing would come and go. I kind of thought it would be over with after the initial adjustment, but it comes back and flares up again.

Remember how you had a hard time adjusting to your daughter's growth that first year? Every time you figured out her routine, she'd change it? Well, this time you'll know to roll with the punches as your son changes and grows, but your older daughter will be thrown for a loop.

It seems like just as I had my older son in the routine of playing with stuff in the nursing drawer automatically, then my younger son got into that distracted-by-any-noise phase. So I had to retrain my older one to leave us alone while nursing. There were little jealousy flare-ups when the baby started in the Exersaucer and then again when he started crawling.

But on the hopeful side, it has been so cool seeing them enjoy each other. My older son loves to get a laugh (and will do the same thing over and over to try to get more laughs). Luckily for everyone's sanity, this is right up the baby's alley! It's super cute watching them "crawl" chase each other, or smile at each other while I'm pushing them on their swings. They even sort of play blocks together, with my older one building and handing the younger one a couple of blocks to bang together/chew on while he watches. So there are some very happy glimmers in the midst of all the adjusting.

Anyway, at 11 months old, my second son is much less demanding than my first son, so I've had to learn how to carve out time and attention for him even though he doesn't fuss for it. I think in the beginning I felt really sad that I was neglecting my older son, and then around three months old or so I shifted to feeling guilty that my younger son wasn't getting the same quality of attention. Now that they are almost 4 and almost 1, I still feel guilty most days, but I can see a gleam of light at the end of the tunnel. I'm predicting that by about 18 months they'll be interacting in ways that will make me sure the benefits outweigh the negatives. That's as hopeful as I can be right now, but believe me it's big progress from crying over not being able to read my older son his goodnight book in those first few months. We'll both move past the guilt, hang in there!