Just Don't Feel like Celebrating with My Mom

I've actually become MORE empathetic to my mother's short comings over the past 19 years of motherhood. She had a very different life than I do, I think her choices (which were very different than MY choices) were made from her heart, same as mine, with love, same as mine, and always because she truly felt it was the right thing to do for any given child at any given moment, same as me.

I REALLY hope MY kids feel the same way about my shortcomings. Lord knows, we are NONE of us perfect.

:)

Wow, do I ever feel the same way. I always thought I would try to be such a different mother. Mine is content in stirring up problems among her own children and that would take too long to tell right now. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

The situation sucks.
She sucks.
Right?

Well as Denise P. said, send her a card/flowers etc., and you don't have to actually be with her that day. But acknowledge her.

One day, she will not be on this earth.
What then?

In the meantime, as Theresa N. said, she is not perfect. No one is.

Your Mom unfortunately, is Toxic and dysfunctional.
As least you are aware of that.
Better yourself and your child.
Don't get caught up in the drama.

That's quite sad.
She is misguided. You know this.
Your comparison is kind of ironic--you are doing what you need to do to enable your child and she is (wrongly) trying to do the same.
Addiction is a tricky wicket. She feels she is helping and showing love.
She's wrong. But until she "bottoms out" with her enabling, it will continue.
Send her a card & some flowers and spend the day with your kids.

# 1 - Relate to her being a mother and celebrate MOTHERHOOD with her - the challenges, the victories and the things she has to deal with hard as they may be - including your addictive sibling.

It may not be as easy for her being THE mother to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to the fact that the child she has brought into this world is addicted to something and she cannot help her. She is also frustrated that the help she has given has been abused, so empathize with her.

It's easier to see if from a sibling perspective, but try to see it from a M.'s perspective and celebrate motherhood with her, even if you can't find it in you to celebrate her being your best M.!

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12841186318738325505

There's no better advice that I could give you other than to read it and the wonderful responses I was given. I struggle with guilt but you still have a chance to turn it around. Don't focus on the past or her shortcomings. I can't stand the thought of my kids judgeing me as harshly as I judged my mother. God knows I've made my mistakes and if one of them ever came to me and told me off the way I did my mother, I'd die of a broken heart. Try to honor her, not because she deserves it, but because it's the right thing to do. Teach your kids, by example, to honor your mother and father. I tell my kids No one is perfect. We're family and we will always love and forgive each other. But I struggled to live that principle where she was concerned. I hope you get something out of my story.

I truly believe that forgiveness heals the person who forgives. And you deserve that healing. That doesn't mean you have to place yourself in situations that drain you of positive energy and good feelings. You sound like an incredibly committed, loving mother. If you can, I would try to find something admirable in your mother's spirit, and honor that while taking exquisite care of yourself and your child. It doesn't mean you have to spend the whole day with her - but I suspect that if you give her a small part of the day, you will feel better about your own celebration later on.

I say this in part because my own difficult mother passed away last July, and my sister is still struggling with her regrets. Unless the relationship is genuinely abusive, I think we are better off forgiving while we still have the option.

Wow - the first paragraph of your post could have been written by me. And the rest of your post I completely understand, because there are similar issues in my family. I try to keep hard feelings about my mom to a minimum (although it's very difficult) because I know she won't be with us forever and one day I'll probably feel a little bad about those feelings.

I would suggest that on Mother's Day, you do something thoughtful/from the heart for her, but limit the time you spend with her (an hour?). This may sound cold to people who don't have moms like ours, but we have to handle things as best we can while maintaining our sanity! Frankly, I don't feel too bad about limiting time with my mother on this holiday, because since I've become a mom, she's barely acknowledged ME on Mother's Day.

Best of luck to you, and I hope that YOU have a great Mother's Day!

Honey, if your mother doesn't make you happy on Mothers Day then you should spend time with someone else who does. After all, you're a mother too, so this day isn't just about your mom, it's about you. Send her a card and flowers and leave it at that.

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It sure sounds like your mom is reaping what she's sewn....

Part of being honored as a mother is making the effort. And sometimes for our own sanity and health, it's just better for us and our families if we put distance between dysfunctional families and ourselves.

It is hard to repair a relationship where you are the only one who can see it with any kind of true perspective. If she cannot see that she has damaged her relationships with her family, then you really have only a couple of choices:
1) accept her as she is, including her denials, and dysfunctions, and reach out to her--take your family and out treat her to brunch or host a M-day gather at your house.
2) accept her as she is, including her denials, and dysfunctions, and keep her at arms length--for example, on Mother's Day, send her a card or flowers, or call her, but don't get together.

Unfortunately, you can't change her.

K. S. Maybe the whole family should have an intervention to iron things out. Life is too short to be bibbering and fighting. God say" we shoudl love one another."

I think it's hard for any of us to say whether your mom deserves for you to spend the day with her or not. My first reaction was you shouldn't have to if she hasn't been a good mother. I think I'll always feel a sense of needing to "earn" a nice mother's day versus it's my due bc I gave birth and then fed my kids until they were 18... It's your mother's day too now and it sounds like you deserve a nice one. What gives me pause though is whether or not this is all based on how she handles your sibling. My sister-in-law is very messed up and I can get holier than thou thinking how my mother-in-law should have handled things differently but I know that's easy to say. You will work hard every day for your child but what if it doesn't work? Will you literally put them on the street? Maybe, maybe not. I know my MIL has said "what am I going to do?" and then I think "can I really say, never speak to your child again and put her on the street when the child isn't a child molester or something?" I can't actually say that bc I'm not sure I could do that with one of my children... I believe in tough love but I haven't had to live it yet. I'm sure though, living with this, you've thought of all angles. So just do what's in your heart and you're most comfortable with. Don't feel obligated though if you really don't think you should. I'm sure you can say your husband or someone else arranged something for you and maybe do a very quick stop by her place w/ flowers. Keep it short so most of the day you enjoy.

This is a tough one with lots of gray area. I think the bottom line is, you deserve to do what really feels best to you. You clearly are not going to do anything purposefully hurtful - you are giving this lots of thought - and I really think it's ok to honor yourself in this situation. I would certainly pay her respect with a nice card, flowers, or donation in her name. You don't have to spend the day with her unless you really feel you want to. If your friends give you more energy and optimism I would go with that. I really don't think it does anyone any good to spend time together resentfully. Better to be lovingly honest in your actions and if that means loving your mom - and all her faults - from a distance, so be it. If you do choose to spend time with her and she says/does something that affects you negatively, you can just tell her, "I love you Mom, but this is my day, too and I don't want to discuss X with you this way. Let's just enjoy each other's company." Respecting yourself - and her - will help you reserve your strength and dignity for your own role as a mother.
As far as what's going on with your sibling, I think you probably have to let it go. Sounds like it's something that "works" for them both and until one or both are ready to change, nothing you can say will help much. It's hard to let go, but sometimes that is really the only option. You could also talk with a counselor to sort out the issue and see if there is something more you can try safely before washing your hands of it. Best of luck to you!

I know I am a little late so brief I will be. Like many above I have experienced a mother with the same attributes but worse. From that experience I know that one word from her can spoil your entire day or even week. Accept for now that this is how she is. On mother's day you deserve to be celebrated and not brought down by the negativity she will surely dish out. Pray, send a card, some flowers and so be it. work on the relationship another day.

I would just call her and say, mom, I have something for you for Mother's day and want to drop it by at (whatever time). Then when you get there you say you've made some plans with hubby...friends...whoever and you gotta run but hope she has a great day. I don't feel obligated anymore to anyone...except maybe my mom. And in that case, I have learned these little tricks so I still see her, but my "time" with her is limited. Maybe this can work for you. Its a little easier than completely doing nothing, which can just cause more problems that you probaby really don't want to deal with! Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!!!