So, with the holidays quickly aproaching so in my need for xanax or something! I have my aunt who lives in California coming for another visit in hopes of surprising her family for the holidays. Our entire family is concerned w/the way in which she is going about this b/c of the reception she rec'd this past Aug when she came out under the same circumstances. It really didn't allow anyone to plan for things and especially w/my youngest cousin, her & her husband own a 5 star restaurant so for them to pull time out of their hats during her week stay wil be almost impossible. For the longest I'd give her our opinions, but she didn't want to hear them. The last I heard from her was a text asking to bring our 9 yr old w/her Christmas morning and my husband told her outriight NO! He doesn't think it's fair to throw our daughter into the firing liine, then she told me she didn't want to tell them b/c she was afraid of their reaction and wanted me to help her as she feels like an outsider w/her own family.. I know it sounds really mean & honestly if this were my mom, I'd be estatic, but w/my aunt & my cousins, it's just not that same way. We would have planned to have spent Christmas day at my cousin's and my aunt could've seen everyone, but we just recently found out that my 14 yr old has to have another surgery on her knee so we're staying pretty local Christmas Day as we'll be at the hospital at 6AM the day after Christmas for Surgery #5. Whew...............then Friday my husband had an appt b/c he's had really bad sinus infrections/headaches & it turns out the cat scan shows some type of cyst on his brain. We are now both trying to keep from going to the worried side of things, and we have to call the ENT Monday, but GEEZ LOUISE! And I truly know there are people who have had it worse, trust me I don't need to reminded about that - we almost lost our daughter on the table when they attempted her first knee surgery, my husband just passed 4 yrs cancer-free.. All I am really askinng for is a mysterious snow storm in LAX the weekend before Christmas, everything to be fine w/Sami's surgery & for Den to be perfectly fine! Really that's all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California is a wonderful place to be this time of year. Warm temps, no snow. If it were my aunt, I'd let her stay at my house only if I could exchange houses stay at hers the entire time. Good weather, no drama.
I would tell her that now is not a good time because of your daughters surgery and the cyst on your husbands brain. Don't take no for an answer. It is more important to get your daughter and husband feeling better. Your own family is way more important right now and you don't need the extra stress and neither does anyone else. She should come in the spring when things have calmed down and the weather is nicer so you can do more stuff with her.
Prayers for your husband and daughter. You will and can get through this all. Are you sure alcohol won't help you get through this?
This is HER problem.
Too bad she cannot be told. "This is not a good year for this visit".
"We all miss you and would love to see you, but there is a lot of unChristmas things we are having to deal with. How about coming in January, when we can all REALLY enjoy your visit. We can plan some events and make sure none of us is stressed by the holidays."
Honest communication is awesome.. Yes, she may get her feelings hurt, but at least people will not resent her. Some people do not take hints. They need it said out loud and many times.
If you cannot do it, then tell the family about this "surprise" and decide who is best to speak with her.
I agree, stay out of it. It's not up to you to smooth the way with her own family. She's sucking you into her drama. There is obviously a lot of background, but it's not going to help her relationship with her family if she inflicts herself on them without allowing anyone to plan a thing. Think of it - setting extra places at the table, not having gifts for her (because they sent them to her home, or just because they had no idea she'd be there), someone having to make a bed unless she stays in a hotel (and either way, she'll make it a problem). She's showing tremendous disregard for them and making sure she's the center of attention one way or another.
And taking your daughter with her on Christmas morning?? You're husband is right to put his foot down.
And there's surgery scheduled? No way. Tell her no way. There's a pretty good script posted - follow it. She is sucking the energy out of your family and making you a pawn in her game. You can't help her. Tell her she needs to have work on her family herself, and the holidays is not a good time. She SHOULD say to them, "I feel we're so far apart, and I would like to visit for the holidays. I will stay at the Ramada Inn on Main Street and I would love to host you all for egg nog and Christmas cookies on December 23rd. If she can't do that, it's her problem.
Just say you aren't getting involved anyway, and you have all this other stuff going on - and if she continues to insist, just be firm. You don't have to tell her that her treatment of you explains why she's on the outs with her own kids.
I would just tell her in plain language in a calm way that she is to not come for a visit this month and continue to tell her when she tries to argue. If you've already told her about all that is happening don't try to tell her again. When we tell the reasons over and over the other person believes that if they can just reassure you that it doesn't matter to them they can still come. So, just repeat, do not come this month over and over until she gets the message and stops arguing.
If it's true, tell her she'll be welcome another time and if there is a better time for her to visit suggest that time.
I would do this with a text message. Be very direct and tell her that she is not to come for a visit this month. Perhaps list what is going on with you. Make it a very simple to read list. 1) so and so cannot take time off from restaurant. 2) daughter is having surgery 3)husband being seen for cyst on brain, 4) none of us like surprise visits etc.
Make your text very simple and easily read and understood.
If she still insists on coming then be very blunt and tell her NO! and that you will not participate in a visit.
Yes, we don't want to be mean or upset ones we love but......we also have an obligation to take care of ourselves and our immediate family. Telling another person our boundaries is not being mean. Yes, it may upset them. However, taking care of themselves is their responsibility. When everyone is honest in taking care of themselves everyone comes out OK. We are disappointed/hurt but we are OK and so is the relationship.
Be straight up and don't bend.
I had a great aunt that started fights at family weddings....and the wedding right before I became engaged (I have 27 cousins, so LOTS of weddings) she started a fight with my mom. When I became engaged, we planned the wedding for 3.5 months later and I didn't invite this great aunt. I liked her, but I didn't want drama at my wedding. She was pissed. Oh well. I told her straight up. She died a few years back without ever talking to me again. I still feel that it was the right decision based on her previous actions.
Good luck.
Sending prayers your way!
Is the aunt expecting to be your house guest until she springs her visit on her family? If so, you need to tell her up front that you are not in a position to have houseguests right now but can recommend a few hotels in the area, as well as rental car companies. Then give her the info and let it go. If you are NOT expected to provide her with housing, then just figure it is her story to tell and her kids' relationship with their mother and don't give it another thought. You have enough on your plate right now...you are in no way obligated to add stress to yourself and your own family be housing uninvited guests or managing other adults' relationships.
Encourage her to get a hotel or not come. Thats rude to expect you to host and you have so much going on. Prayers for your husband's CAT Scan and kiddo's surgery....Hang in there!
You need to set your boundaries with her and let her know right now, that although you enjoyed her last visit, you've given some thought to your schedules and the needs of your family, and unfortunately this is not a good time for her to come and stay with you. If she insists on coming, you can suggest some local hotels, but make it clear that you will not be able to transport her or accommodate her schedule in any way this time. If she doesn't take no for an answer, then I'd firmly explain to her that the needs of your immediate family come before anyone else's right now, including her's, and she will have to deal directly with her own immediate family to sort out her holiday plans.
Her drama is not your problem. I just did a similar boundary-setting thing which may have ticked off a cousin of my husband who was visiting from overseas. Without going into details, I just want to emphasize the peace of mind that I got from knowing I was doing the right thing for me and my family. I could feel the stress slipping away the minute I made the decision. I have no regrets. Good luck - is't not easy. But it will be worth it.
