Joint Custody Parenting Advice

I don't have this issue but have many friends who do. Has she tried mediation? She does have to remember that they will not agree on everything. Not even parents who live in the same house do. However there should be rules on doing homeowrk, chores and bedtimes. I think these need to be some what similar. The kids should have a bedtimes especially on a school night. It is proven that well rested and fed children do better in school. I think having a neutral mediator may bring this home to the dad. Also if there is issues with school a meeting there may help. If it's just her bringing it up to him there may be some animosity towards her that he will not listen to anything she says no matter how much it makes since.

How often does the father has the kids? Maybe they need a mdiator to s ee both sides and put an end to this fight which is only harming the kid

Sounds like my 1st husband :( We have 2 girls together, now 19 and 21 yrs old and he was the quintessential "weekend father." No bedtime, eat what they want, no structure, watch what they want on TV (including Rated R movies when they were too young), etc. I'm sure from his perspective, he thinks that when he has them, he gets to make the rules and dang the consequences. What he doesn't realize is that he is doing more damage than good. That being said, nothing she says is going to make him believe that he is doing any harm (and I am guessing that no mediator is going to convince him either). It drove me crazy until I realized that there was simply nothing I could do that was going to change HIS mind, but that didn't mean I had to parent differently. I stuck to my guns with the girls when I had them and they had to follow my rules. I heard alot of "well at DAD'S house, we get to __________." Well this isn't your dad's house . . . It really didn't take too long before the girls preferred being with me simply because most kids crave structure and routine (we separated when the girls were very young and divorced shortly after so I really had to deal with this their WHOLE growing up years). Also, they started really acting up at his house because he had never diciplined them AT ALL and that damaged their relationship as well.

My advice to your friend is to be the best parent she can be when it is her turn. Be firm and consistent. Under no circumstances should she ever belittle her ex's parenting style, but she can factualize it to the kids. If they complain that they are tired at school she can certainly point out that going to bed earlier would help, but don't phrase it as "if your dad put you to bed earlier, you wouldn't have this problem."

I'm sorry to say that there is nothing you can do unless he is denying them essential care (food, etc). You will simply have to learn to live with it and work on 'clean up' when they get home. I am a divorced mom with two kids and I can tell you as have many others that as the years go by, the kids will know who is with them and who is not. My x has different rules at his house (basically no rules) and neither of my kids respect him because of this (they are 15 and 18). They know that when they need help, it's mom they go to. I've even had them call me from their dads house to ask for advice for a problem or for a friend who had a problem and we would work it out together as best we could until they returned home. With my x not having rules, he doesn't put any effort into anything either. My daughter had left her medications at a friends (something that she really needed to have) and her friend had left on vacation and she didn't know what to do. I spoke to her dad but he did nothing. Even though he lives over 2 hours away from me, I was able to call someone local to find out who was feeding their pets and they took my daughter over and helped her find her medicine. My kids remember this, that dad did nothing and mom, even though she was far away....did something. You may not like that he does things differently, but in the long run they will respect and appreciate you more for your consistancy and loving care. Good luck to you hun.

well from my experience of my kids dad being a "disneyland dad" also...theres really not much one can do except hold the hard ground at home.yep meaning your the meanest mom in the world-they love daddy better-they want to live with daddy all the hurtful stuff they say-they dont really mean it-trust me-kids need structure and boundaries-without it-they get really insecure,feel no structure,placement,bonds etc.my ex let my kids get away with everything-then when they acted up real bad he brought them home for punishment-i never punished them unless they acted up at my house-it was a constant battle-i felt so bad so much of the time-but held my ground hard an fast-it payed off in the long run-and neither one of them really have anything to do with their dad anymore-their 27 & 28-they are well respected young adults that take great pride in everything they do.tell her to hold tough..the kids deserve it.

I'm in the same situation and there is nothing you can do. Unless the kids are in harm you don't have a leg to stand on and the courts are not going to get involved. I thought my x and I were on the same page with most things but he now has his own ideas. They come back to me doing fart noises and sick songs in regards to that and I don't like it at all. If I say something I'll get slander on how I'm telling him how to parent and that I'm a bully. I would have her focus on what works for her and hope for the best. This is what happens in a divorce when you no longer are together. I just keep on my kids and teach them what is appropriate and what is not. You can have her talk with the x about it but if he doesn't want to comply he doesn't have to unless like I said, the kids are in danger. I would however bring up maybe a mediator in regards to homework and nutrition. I don't know but I don't think the courts can enforce much. It all stinks really.

I agree with the first poster.. They need to really sit with someone and meet in the middle with this. Kids NEED and LIKE consistency. And I personally think it is NECESSARY to be consistent with parenting... schedules, bed time ... etc.. so if they don't agree, the really need to get on the page some how and both be willing to compromise.. if not only the kids will be hurt as the first poster stated. I think what they BOTH need is an objective view.

There are too many people in these type of situations and I can't help but feel sorry for the children living through these control issues. In general, If the parents thought about it from their children's point of view the parents would work their hiney's off to compromise, they would be able to find some common ground, not exactly the same but some common areas they can agree on. Of course people are different and want to be able to run their households as they want. I don't like it when someone tells me I have to do something in my home differently than what I want to do.

These parents may need to request court appointed mediation. I trained for this in college and let me tell you, sometimes it's the hardest part of the job to not look at one parent or the other and say "are you stupid or WHAT?" Mediation usually benefits and if both parties can't reach a compromise then the judge can decide for them. Isn't is silly sounding to have to leave an activity and have to tell everyone "I'm Sorry, I have to leave because the Judge in my divorce case says the kids have to go to bed by 9pm". It could happen....

These children are the ones who are going to live with the long time effects. Joint custody means the parents are both legally equal. One doesn't have any more power then the other one. It sucks but your friend can either fight to change this situation or decide to make it a non issue and relax a bit so the kids aren't going to be pulled between the parents. She is the only person she has complete control over. She may just have to decide to let it go and just do the best job she can. The kids will look at her differently if she is willing to show compassion to them by not fighting with their dad. Of course there are limits to what she should have to put up with. If the kids are very young and they stay up until midnight every night at dad's then that's obviously not acceptable. But if she wants bedtime at 9 and he wants 9:30 then it's an issue she can let go. She needs to decide how much her standards mean and how much of it she can decide to let go or fight for. She has to decide how how to proceed.

I'm a teacher, and I had a student in that situation. Mom had no limits on tv, violent video games, candy, and soda, had no routine, and bedtime was whenever. At his dad's house, he ate healthy food, had a regular bedtime, was limited to appropriate tv, etc.

This child had some serious behavior problems that got worse over time. It's really hard to live in two such different households, for one thing, and it would of course stress a kid out. For another thing, kids like to have boundaries, because boundaries make them feel safe, and being in a house with no routines and no limits is even more stressful.

For the child's sake, the two parents need to come to some sort of agreement. Maybe mediation would help?