Joint Custody - Tacoma,WA

I have a similar situation. My ex lives a few minutes away - same school district. We've been doing a week on/week off for years now with exchanges taking place Sunday at 7pm. So my son has a complete set up & bedroom at each house. He is 14 now and does come and go at other times, being a typical teenager. The schedule has worked extremely well for us. We also trade times around if there's a special family event that doesn't fall into the normal days/times.

My ex and I share custody of our son 50/50. Our son is now 10, and we've been apart since he was 9 months old. Obviously, we didn't start splitting custody 50/50 immediately, as at the time our son was still nursing far too much to be able to do that. But it's been since he was around 3 or 4 that we've been doing this. His father moved closer to us when he was about 4, and that made a huge difference. He's now about a 5 minute walk away, which means our son is even on the same bus route for school (though now he's going to a charter school in another district which means he gets driven back and forth). It's working very well. Our son is very happy and well adjusted, and has wonderful relationships with both families, is very close to all of his siblings (he has 2 little siblings in each household.) He spends Mon and Tues nights at his dad's, Wed and Thurs with us, and F, S, and Su alternate between the 2 households. With a situation like this, you need to be very very organized, and willing to adapt and change the schedule as your child grows and his needs change. When he was younger, our son wasn't able to handle the longer stretches at one or the other house that he can now -- the longest he went without seeing the other family was 2 days. Now it's up to 5. Younger children need to connect with the other parent more frequently in order to maintain that relationship. It's also much easier, scheduling-wise, to always have the same days of the week -- that way, for instance, you always take him to soccer and your ex always takes him to cub scouts. That way you have a consistent schedule and the required things for each activity don't need to go back and forth.

You didn't ask about this, but I'm going to talk about it anyway -- since we split custody and both maintain clothes, toys, etc, and spend equally on housing and food, we don't do child support. Instead, we each contribute equally on a monthly basis to a joint account which covers our son's expenses (other than room and board -- we assume those are roughly equal, and any special activities/vacations that he does with either family) like clothes, school supplies, and extracurriculars, his share of health insurance, and other things that we agree upon. We've worked very hard to be able to co-parent together successfully, and it isn't always easy, but I think it truly is the best thing for our son.

My kids were 4, 5 & 8 when we divorced and started the joint custody. I have the boys Monday, Tuesday. He has them Wednesday, Thursday. E/O Friday, Saturday, Sunday. My kids like it. They like that they get to see both parents during the week. My ex and I like it because we do not go a full week ( m-f) with out seeing them. We stay currant on what goes in school and don't miss something that we could if it was a straight M-F. It does work out that on his weekends, I got 5 days with out them. On my weekends he goes 5 days with out them. But with the week being split between us, we are both informed of what happened/ is going to happen with school. It works out for us.

My kids are now 11&12 and still happy with the way it is. The 15yr old hasn't been there in 4 years.

This is better than you make think. It is great for the kids, better especially as they get older. A bit harder on you when they are young.

I had this almost situation when my kids were 6 and 8. 60 - 80 split. Same school. Kids changed by taking a different school bus. I really missed them at first. It made them very independent. We had similar behavior, school achievement, and church affiliation expectations. And that made it work very well.

We also had every thing spelled out in a legal parenting agreement, because at first we did not like each other very much. I suggest one even if you think you don't need one. It spells out how things are done so everything is known by everyone. No surprises. Finally, what I had done, because my ex was very domineering (to say the least and the reason I divorced him) I had physical custody so I had the final say in everything. I never had to use it however. We were better divorced parents than married parents.

But it worked for my kids. And I think it is the best thing going if you can make it work.

I have had almost 50/50 visitation with my now 10 and 8 year old since they were 2 and 4. for awhile we lived about 30 minutes apart and it wasn't terrible but it was a lot of work, and wouldn't have worked when the kids started school. However, keeping the schedule was so important to me and the kids did so well with it, I moved before they started school and we could actually walk back and forth if needed. it's a long walk but it can be done. The big thing is figuring out days that work, I certainly wanted some weekend time with my kids, and well no one really wants all the weekend time ect. So we rotate weekly, I end up with the kids a couple more days a month, but we don't pick it apart and fight over that stuff. Now the schedule has changed here and there but we did friday-tuesday in week 1 and sunday-tuesday in week 2 that they were with their dad, and the rest they were with me.

I have 50/50 with my ex and we have 3 kids ages 6, 4 and 4 (twins). We have had this schedule since the twins were about 6 months old. It is the best thing for everyone involved in my opinion. We do a 2-2-3 schedule. So for example, I have them Mon, Tue, Fri, Sat and Sun one week and the next I have them Wed, Thur. The result is you never go more than 3 days without an overnight and you have every other weekend with your kids. While keeping the family together and having my kids everyday would be ideal, this schedule allows us to each have time to spend quality time with our new partners and restore our energy for the days we do have our kids. We also live in the same district and have a great co-parenting relationship. I have to pay support because I make more $$, even though we are 50/50. I believe our kids are the happiest in the world. They get two families that absolutely love them and are invested in them and their success. I definitely recommend it if you can foster a healthy environment.

I don't have a 50/50 arrangement per se, but I know that my son has been really happy since his dad moved closer.
I wasn't happy about it initially because I just liked having that distance.
Him moving closer didn't change the schedule at all, but my son liked having his dad closer.
It sounds like you are lucky to have a very involved and dutiful ex. It sounds like he really cares for your children even though the two of you aren't together anymore.
I never thought I'd say it, but my ex being closer has actually been nice. I've been in the hospital and had some health problems and it was a relief to know that my son's dad could easily get him to school and pick him up, etc.

I really do think kids are happier to have both parents involved in their lives if it's possible. And, it sounds like you and your ex should be able to work things out for the best interest of the kids.
We didn't do a week on, a week off. My son has always gone with his dad Tuesday night, Thursday night and every other weekend.
Different things work for different families though.

I wish you the very, very best.

Hi-- I don't know in which state you live, but where we live custody is separate from parenting time. I was in an abusive marriage and was given sole legal custody from the courts after my ex even pushed for joint. Sole legal custodians make the decisions for medical, religious, and education. However, parenting time is separate and needs to be worked out. It sounds as though your ex is a good father and willing to do what is in your children's best interests. It also sounds like you are supportive of one another and willing to do what is best for the kids. I would try a parenting schedule by preparing the boys well ahead of time and then be as flexible as possible to accommodate their needs. Your boys are lucky to have you as parents! Best wishes to you and your family!

My daughter does not like to be away from either parent for long periods so we have worked it 2 days during school me 2 him and we switch out the weekends and split sunday. The important thing is that it stays the same. Meaning if you have her monday and wed or monday tuesday you have that every day forever. That way the child is in a set routine. MIne is 10 and we have been doing this since she was your kids age. She is old enough to tell me when there are problems. Like we had an issue where her dad was going to be out of town and I had to take two of his days she was not happy and told both of so. She did not like the change in the schedule. She was old enough to voice it. Also I had friends of ours who was doing the most of the week with mom and every other weekend with dad. She said she wanted more time with her dad so they started giving dad one day and night of the week. The kid loved it and it worked well. As he is just moving back I would not give up to much at once because the kids need to get use to it. Give him something like a Sunday and Monday night. Beginning of week so any left over homework you can still finish on thursday. If that works well then ask him if H'ed like to throw in another week day etc. Hope this helps.

What do you have now? If it is full custody don't change it. Joint custody looks nice on paper but is basically unworkable.

Children are not legos and meant to fit into a perfect shape or court stipulated mold. If you and your ex can work out something elaborate, great! But a custody counselor that I know reiterated something that a young kid once told him in that he felt like he lived in a car and a circus with all the transferring. Best of luck to you, just don't loose sight of the most important thing - the kids.

A lot of people do one week on, one week off. I think a full week is better than 3-4 days with each parent but see what works for the kids. If you do full weeks, let the weekends be the swap time.

I think regardless of schedule, the parent who finds out info should inform the other and if possible provide the teacher both email addresses or SASE for the kids so that you get double copies of all really important stuff.

Being nearby might also give a lot of flex to the schedule (if Dad can't drive to the pizza party that night, can Mom do it?) but the kids should confirm all changes with both of you first.

My kids would love to get out of the schedule we have but my ex won't hear of it because he knows it would increase his support. At the moment I am considering telling him I don't care about the support just give me the kids Monday through Friday. The only problem is he would be all over that trying to take the rest of the support away.

Really I think every other weekend is best. Especially as the kids get older. Mine are almost 11 and 13.