Jobs/Responsibilities

I would try a reward chart. Make a list of his responsibilities and each time he does them, add a sticker to his chart. When he gets to a goal amount of stickers, there can be a special reward such as a trip to the park or ice cream parlor or pizza or a new toy. This way he can visually see when he is doing a good job and watch the results add up. This worked for my son at that age and we still use it now at the age of 11.

I have found that sticker charts work wonders - especially when they add up to a reward. I got my incentive chart at The Children's Bookstore in Lynnwood and got some little stickers I knew my girls would like.

Suddenly they dress themselves, don't splash in the tub, clean up after lunch. It's like magic!

Hey A.!

I thought Karen gave good advice.

I, too, am very relaxed about my DD wears at night, as long as her teeth are brushed and she's clean.

In fact, I often have her wear the next day's clothing to bed!!! She's clean, the clothes are clean and at these ages, their daytime clothes are often very similar to their nighttime clothes - it sure makes morning easy on me. She wakes up already dressed : )

Here's my 2 cents on the chores/jobs around the house. My DD started "helping" me do the dishes at 18 months and she was picking up her toys as soon as she started walking.

At his age, the trick is to be with him when he does the chore/job and to make it FUN. Here are some ideas - I'm sure you'll come up with others that match your son's personality and interests.

Play music while during a chore - let him select the music

Thank him for every thing he does - especially when he's just starting a new chore - because you have a 10 month old, you could also say things like, "You're such a big help - the baby couldn't do this."

Sing a silly song - put his name in it.

Make up stories as you go along - as you pick up toys, you can give them voices that say things like, "Let's hop over here to the toy basket."

Say something like, "Let's see how fast you can clean up your toys! Ready, set, go!"

When he does complete a chore, make sure to mention it to his dad at some other time - in your son's presence, of course! Tell his dad how much you appreciated his help with doing the laundry or doing the dishes or cleaning the floor or whatever.

I would NOT recommend doing the opposite - DON'T talk about how little he helped out in front of both him and his Dad.

I have found doing the above requires a lot of energy - you have to act excited and upbeat, you have to try to think like a 4 1/2 yo to make up songs or funny stories as you go along. But the pay off is HUGE.

Best of luck and congrats on your little girl.

I just tell my son to get dressed in the morning. I don't coax or bribe or anything else. It's just not up for discussion. In the beginning, when he would balk at getting dressed I would just start to "leave" ten minutes earlier than usual and just let him know that if he didn't want to get dressed he could not come with me. Then he would scramble to get dressed - and we'd be able to leave on time.

I didn't stress at all about night time clothes. In fact, my four year old slept naked more often than not and has only recently decided that pjs are pretty cool. I didn't consider this to be worth battling over and never made an issue out of it. If he wants to sleep naked, that's no biggie. If he wants to sleep in the clothes he wore during the day, same thing. As long as his teeth are brushed and his little body is clean, that's what matters to me!

Not to offend, but your story made me chuckle. I've seen this countless times with families I've worked with-- the child DOES NOT want to get dressed. Sometimes the child was otherwise occupied (esp. if there's television or something else going on...my advice--turn the tv off in the morning) and sometimes children are "in the habit" of having this argument with their parents. Hard to believe conflict can become a pattern, but kids begin to predict and incorporate it into "how the day is".

Here are some options. I like to deflate the power struggle at night by letting them sleep in whatever the child wants to wear. A simple "If you are wearing pajamas, it's time to put them on." and then, after five minutes or so, proceed with bedtime as usual. DON'T EVEN TALK about what they are or aren't wearing. They are anticipating conflict, so this will break that pattern. If the child then decides "Oh, no, I do want pajamas on" then respond cooly with "Oh, okay, well, you go ahead and get dressed, then we'll finish (reading the story, etc.)" and then let them dress themselves. They might sleep in their day clothes, too. Just be okay with it... they will figure out what they want to do. Just would avoid any conversation or comments ("See, don't pajamas feel better?") that could set you back.

For the morning, you have two options: if he's slept in his day clothes, let him go to school in them. If he did choose pj's, be clear in the morning that "Now is the time I need you to get dressed. If you don't have your clothes on when it's time to go, you'll be wearing your pajamas to school." and then walk away. You need to leave on time, no matter where you need to go, and he needs to be ready, be it in pjs or his clothes-- his choice. If he doesn't want to change out of his pajamas, simply pack up a change of clothes in his school bag and drop him off at school in his pjs.(Send a note to the teachers about what's going on, so they aren't concerned about the dirty clothes or nighttime attire.) A couple of the mothers I worked with used this method and it was very quickly effective.

Kids are pretty good at getting their act together when they see that their parents aren't going to get emotionally involved and that the conflict/talking it to death isn't going to happen. (I have also seen parents who have not taken this matter into their hands and consequently, their 7 and eight year olds are still having the same whiniy/drag-out battle of getting dressed every single day. It's awful.) The conflict is a great way for kids to get to engage with us, even if it isn't pleasant. We do our best as parents when we simply give a direction and keep our mouths shut.

Hope this helps!

Hi A.,

I am a mother of four ranging in age from 5-20. My thoughts are that certain things in life are responsibilities and not worth rewards. Getting oneself dressed is one of those things. My youngest is extremely stubborn, and getting dressed was one of her "stubborn" areas. What we did was we withheld her favorite toys if she didn't get it done in a certain amount of time. If she doesn't get into her pajama's with in 15 minutes of being asked...and we have a portable timer that's up high on a shelf for her to see...then she loses a bedtime story. In the morning if she doesn't get dressed within that 15 minutes of alloted time, then no Polly Pockets that day. If we don't have any trouble for a week (and we started out at two straight days and worked up to a week) then she gets a $1 Sundae with the family at McDonalds on Sunday after lunch. At this point, it's no longer an issue and we occasionally remind her how great she has done. Now we're tackling brushing her teeth - - but I won't automatically start with rewards because this is just a fact of life. Getting dressed, brushing ones teeth, etc... those are all expectations of growing up. However, she does know that if we see her improving that lots of praise and an occasional Sundae will come her way. We've just had to become even more stubborn than she is in order to get her to tow the line.

Good Luck,

D.

I started about 3 months ago telling my four-year old that breakfast will be served until 8:30 only. She usually gets up around 7 or 7:30. I tell her she can come downstairs whenever she's dressed and if she's there before 8:30, she'll get breakfast. Otherwise, she has to wait until snack time to eat. If she needs help with a clothes (like a shirt with a small head hole or something) she may bring it down and ask for help but she's not allowed to just yell for us to come up to her to help her get dressed. (I guess she can do it but we've made it clear that we won't help her under those circumstances). We have 1 1/2-year-old twins who we can't safely leave unsupervised for long which is part of why we've told her she needs to come to us. It's worked pretty well. She gets upset some mornings but usually, she comes down proud of herself and ready for breakfast. In the evening, I tell her she has 5 minutes and if she's in her jammies by then, she can have her bedtime book. If she doesn't make it, the she looses her book but has another 5 minutes to get ready so she can hear a story we make up and tell her. Basically, we make the components of her bedtime routine that she loves contingent upon her doing her part in the process, which is getting dressed and filling her sippy cup with water. Maybe something like this would work for your son? Good luck!

http://www.handipoints.com/index.php
This is a free site that is a tool for parents to use with their kids to help with chores. You can print out a chore chart, help your son make goals, as well as provide incentives. Check it out. I tried to use it for my daughter, but she is a bit old for it. Seems like the 3-12 ages might fit better.

Don't engage in a battle over the clothes. Tell him at least 1/2 hour before bedtime to pick up his toys and get his pj's on. If he gives you guff, tell him he can just sleep in his clothes, they might not be comfortable, but he will have to learn that on his own. If he won't pick up the toys, tell him that if you have to pick them up, they are going up where he won't get to play with them for a while and then make him earn them back by picking up his toys every night for like 3 nights. Make sure you follow through, or he will learn that you don't mean what you say. Then, every night he leaves stuff out, put it up. In the morning if he won't get dressed, let him go to school in his pj's. His choice. Just don't get into a power struggle over it. Pick your battles, save them for the important stuff.

He's got your attention and that's what he wanted. Sometimes dividing and conquering the parents is the goal, even for a 4 yr old. He's not too young to put his toys away and to keep his area in order. Work with him for about a week of evenings. Tell him that this is what we all need to do. Then explain the 'rules', if things aren't picked up before he goes to bed each evening, those toys that are left out will go away. And you put them up, out of sight, out of way and don't give them back for at least a week, maybe longer. Continue this with all his things. When he sees that things are missing and he has nothing left to use or play with, he will learn that putting things away protects them from 'the clean house fairy'. I had the same problem with my 2 older kids when our 3rd arrived. My Mom was helping me and set this in motion. My oldest kids were almost 5 and 3 at the time. Now that they are all young adults, I need to reinstitue the rule to keep the house in order. '-)
Let him help with the baby. Be the big brother. And do things as a 4some. It's important for his individual time, but it shouldn't be all or nothing at all with him. Again, he got what he wanted and that was more attention.
Best of luck!!!

Give him a choice of two outfits, socks, shoes, included. You can put those out in the morning or the evening before.

Then he can mix or match. The parent who is with him does not help any more, but just talks and enjoys his conversation. No comments about that doesn't go with that, etc. Or it snowing you can't wear shorts. Have a coversation about the day, etc. after 15, min or so, leave the room and if he is not dressed see if he dresses himself.

{I have to tell you, my son, was a real slooooooow mover. And I cannot tell you how many times he was flying out of the door as I was driving (slowly) out of the garage. He was still in his PJ's and grabbing his clothes and homework. This was in early grade school. By middle school he was the most organized, and efficient group planner.}

The same goes for bed. Let him have a choice of two outfits. Then don't express your likes or non likes. You could even led him go to bed in his street clothes om the weekend and see if that makes a difference. See if he is challenging you about dressing for bed. By letting him go to bed in street clothes will negate that challenge. Leave the PJs, close the door, and see if he dresses himself.

As he gets older give him more choices.

As to cleaning up. If he leaves it on the floor, pick it up and take it away from him. Put it in a suitcase or something like that. When he wants something from the suitcase, because eventually he will, he has to clean up his room, or some cleaning chore--small and relevant to him.

The thing I read in you description is that he seems to be challenging you. What you need to do is back off and let him find that the wall he was hitting is no longer there.

I think he appears to be a very intelligent boy. I would try to negotiate and converse with him. Give him choices that you can live with rather that rules and walls. He appears to love walls.

I hope this helps. W.

Choices are gret. They always work well, especially when you give them just a few.

My big question to you is do you do it for him if he doesn't do it? Kids are pretty smart even at 4 and if you are doing things for him just so they get done he's going to keep letting you do it for him. I know how frustrating it is to have to wait for him to do it, but that might be what you have to do to get him to start doind some of these chores. Set up a reward system for when he does something you ask. It might take a little time...stickers or a reward aren't always magic. Making him actually pick out his clothes rather than just talking about it will do the trick.

A.,

Have you tried a chore chart? You can buy them at teacher supply stores, Nordstrom Rack has a magnet one or you could make your own. We started with my son when he was 3 and included things like brushing teeth, getting dressed, putting dishes in sink, etc. As he grows older we include more responsiblities on it and take off the ones he just does like getting dressed. Each night he puts his sticker/magnet on the ones he's completed and then at the end of the week he is rewarded for the chores that he has completed every day. For each row that is complete you can give a quarter or stickers or whatever works for your child. The chore chart gives the kids a good visual as to what's expected of them and also allows them to see that there are rewards for doing your jobs, such as having more time together as a family.
Hope this helps.

Have had the same problem here...but it started a little earlier. 3-ish

What we did:

1) We got rid of his dresser
2) We got rid of hangers
....neither in a negative/punitive way....
3) We got the brushed nickle, rounded hooks they sell in bins at Home Depot. Color I'm sure is irrelevant, the point really is that they weren't pre-mounted on a bar and they had no sharp edges. They're in the drawer knob sections and cost about a buck each. I think they're for posh kitchen towels. Much smaller then normal clothes hooks and much larger then the kind that's half hook/half screw.

4) We measured (by holding a pair of his pants up to the wall and giving it an extra couple inches for growth for the lower row, and held shirts up so they'd drape an inch or 2 over the pants for the higher row) marked, and used the electric screwdriver to mount them. Thank god. I'm talking about 35 hooks here, each mounted with 2 screws.

5) We hung up all of his shirts on the top row, and pants on the bottom row. (Telegraphed that punch, didn't I?)

6) We bought a colorful, see through, 3 drawer plastic filing cabinet from OfficeDepot and placed in beside the rows of hooks.
- One drawer = underpants
- One drawer = socks
- One drawer = pjs

RESULT :
- He could see all of his clothes options (we changed them with the seasons) at his own height & level.

- He could wear whatever he wanted. (I did actually make an effort to buys clothes that would all mix and match over the past 2 years...this year we've branched out...with some interesting results).

- He also became responsible for putting all of his own clean laundry away. Easy, peasey, hang them on a hook direct from the dryer. No folding or hanger-wrangling required. This was one of his Big Boy jobs. Now, of course, 2 and half years later its just a chore....but boy was he proud of his work for that first year.

- Within a week he was picking out his own clothes and dressing himself.

***Also*** On the advice of his preschool teacher, if he threw a fit in the morning, No Big Deal. Into the carseat, out the door in PJs. We'd keep one extra set of clothes bagged by the door. The peer pressure of being in pajamas, with a bag of clothes in hand, when EVERYONE ELSE was dressed meant a quick change. That happened 2 or 3 times in the first year & never since, and only one time did he not insist on changing in the car. I don't know if yours in in school, or if your teacher would be down with that, but it was the nail in the coffin on the clothing issue for us.

The whole attitude we took over this period was the same as some of the other posters have said: No Big Deal, Not Worth Noticing...&....Hey, you're big enough now that this is what we're going to do (and drop it).

:) Z.

This is a fun, painless way to inspire young children. In addition, it helps to begin the process of teaching children to be responsible for their own person and personal belongings. Go to: www.HouseFairy.org
May God bless and Keep You and Yours! :)

I liked the answers about giving him 2 choices- this outfit or that one? That gives HIM the power to choose. The Love & Logic books will help in these situations.

My experience has been that making it "a job" freezes them even more and turns things into a battle of wills. Even if you can win, at what cost and then the cycle repeats over the next issue. That whole rational argument is really still lost on them at this age. Our approach has been strongly influenced by Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. He has lots of strategies to get past these stuck points. The cool thing is that working on one issue often has the consequence of resolving other issues too.

It sounds like he feels overwhelmed by his options, and he definitely needs to have more responsibilities/jobs than picking out his clothes. You might start small, like "do you want the green shirt or the red shirt" and go with whatever he chooses; there is no wrong answer. Then move on to letting him pick the whole outfit himself. Children develop self esteem from actually accomplishing things, like chores. There are a lot of things he could be doing, like wiping down his bathroom sink/counter/toilet with a Lysol wipe every day, and unloading the dishwasher (stacking plastic things on the counter at least, and putting silverware away). I highly recommend reading John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. You can get a feel for him on his website at www.rosemond.com.

A.,

I have a 4 1/2 year old son, and a 15 month old daughter. For about a year and a half, at least, my son has been able to dress himself, that includes choosing his own clothes. Whatever his choice we let him wear it, as long as it wasn't shorts in the middle of winter or snowsuit in summer. Surprisingly he has a great fashion sense and makes good choices.

As for other chores, he is responsible for cleaning his room every night before bed. This includes putting all his books, toys and shoes away. He also has to get all his dirty clothes out of his room. We have to remind him every night to do it, but it's *his* chore. If he asks for help we tell him: "You didn't need any help making the mess, you don't need help cleaning it up". He is also responsible for his own dishes; taking them to the kitchen and putting them on the counter.

We just make sure it's clear to him that it is his responsibility to take care of these things, and he's not getting any help.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Try it as a family. Maybe he wants the other parent or parents. a Star chart with rewards works wonders

I've had this issue with my daughter. You have to get pretty firm about it. You could try telling him that he needs to get dressed before he can have breakfast in the morning. This resulted in tantrums from my daughter, but holding firm to the rule resulted in a habit of getting dressed first thing. Another option is that when it is time to get dressed to go out, tell him that in x amount of minutes everyone needs to leave and whatever he's wearing at the time you leave is what he wears out. In order for this to work you have to be willing to take him in his pajamas and no shoes, naked or whatever. Don't do it in an angry way, just matter of fact. Don't remind him just when it's time to leave, leave. If he's embarrassed about going to preschool in pajamas, then you may have just solved your problem!! Hope this helps. Also try reading the book "Love and Logic."

We found that giving stars for doing things that our boy was responsible for to take care of himself worked well. After a certain number of starts (set ahead of time and given as a clear goal), either a gift or a special activity was allowed.