JFF - A Bit of Light Humor.... What Have Your Kids Said?

My 7 year old daughter is a little gassy at dinnertime and she's taken to jump up, excuse herself, and run to the front room to - as she puts it - "smell the Christmas tree".

What a delicate flower I have! At least she's considerate!

When my kids came home with my Husband:
"MOMMY MOMMY! DADDY FARTED WHEN WE WERE AT THE STORE, THEN WE HAD TO WALK SUPER FAST!!!" (to get away from the gust of aroma).

L.O.L

Don't tell my Husband I told all you this!
Bawahahahaha!

When my son was about 4, he got up one morning and first thing, ran into the bathroom to pee and he loudly called me and my M., "come here and just look at this thing, it's like a little bone". (erection) He would die knowing I told this, but was so hysterically funny at the time.

I always say that I'll write these things down but never do. We were hosting Hanukkah dinner last Sunday and I had just put the Christmas tree up the day before. My husband wanted to "Hanukkah up" the decor so he twisted garlands of blue and yellow streamers all over the furniture in our family room and cascaded some down the tree. It's looks as tacky as it sounds but I didn't say anything. My 13-year-old son walked into the living room and asked "who hung up the streamers and why? It looks like a cheap junior high dance in here." How's that for blunt LOL?

My four year old recently told me she was thinking of candy canes so her brain was decorated for Christmas.

Today I took a shower with my three year old daughter. After I had washed her hair, she pointed to my breasts and laughed, "Mama, look at your big BIG boobs! ((I do not have large boobs...at all)) They are getting longer and longer. When you grow up, they will be down here ((points at her feet)) and they will TICKLE your feet!!!"

One of my favorite memories is my telling my four children to turn down the volume level because mama needed some peace and quiet - whereupon my four-year-old replied, "I need some peace and LOUD!"

My son is only 2.5, so he has only been talking for a little while. He does pronounce fish as sh*t. (I can't tell you how many times we have corrected him. We don't cuss, so it's definitely just a coincidence!) Trips to the pet store for dog food are always interesting. We went to the Japanese gardens, and they have a ton of koi fish. He was accidentally cussing up a storm VERY loudly. He was pointing and yelling "That's a big sh*t." "Mommy look, there's a sh*t right there." "There's sh*t everywhere." "I love sh*t." I'm pretty sure I have never laughed so hard in my life.

When my oldest son was about 6, he answered the phone one day after I had gotten out of the shower. I was using the hairdryer at the time. He told my friend, "one minute, Mommy is blowing her hair off. She'll be right here."

My youngest son has those clear, blue green eyes that makes ladies hearts pound. Whenever we would go to the grocery store, he'd be sitting in the cart. The cashiers would always "ooh" and "aah" over his eyes.
One day when he was 3 we went for groceries. New checker who was having a bad day, did not comment on the eyes. He looked at her, batted his baby blues, and waited. Crickets. So he spoke up real LOUD, "Don't you think I have pretty eyes???!"

Well, my kids have said and done so many hilarious things, but I'll share a couple of them with you.

My first kid, my daughter, was very verbal from a very early age. Heaven help me.
One day, my M. was with us as we were driving to go shopping. My daughter was in back in her car seat. I began telling my M. about my friend who had just got a beautiful new car and I said that I was jealous. I said that I would give anything to have a nice BMW too.
My daughter immediately snapped, "Mommy! Never say that! I know what that means and it's GROSS!"
I said, "It's not gross. What are you talking about?"
She said, "I know what a BMW is....it means POOP!"

My son...always such a good helper. We were getting ready for a yard sale and he wanted a job to do. I gave him some cardboard and a sharpie and told him to make some signs for us.
He set right to work.
After a while, he brought me some signs and I could tell he'd taken it seriously because they were very neatly written.
I got to one sign and busted up laughing. I called for my daughter (who is 10 years older) to come and look at it. She busted up laughing.
My poor son was getting upset because he thought we were making fun of his signs. And really, I was laughing so hard, I could hardly catch my breath.
I composed myself and hugged him and told him I was sorry for laughing because he really did do a good job.

There, in perfect little boy handwriting was his sign that said....
"Shits - $1"

I was like, "Honey...spell shirts out loud. Let's see if you left anything out."

Then he realized why it was funny.

Whoopsie.

Oh...I just remembered another funny one from my daughter.
She was 5 and my husband came home early from work one day. She was playing on the floor in the living room and he took a penny out of his pocket and tossed it to her. He said, "Here's a penny for your thoughts."
She picked it up, looked at it, and tossed it back at him and said, "Dad....my thoughts are worth at least a quarter."

My kids are getting older. I can't wait for the things my grandson says.

Best wishes.

The night of the "walmart insurrection" I was fuming mad in the car on the way home and warned my 4 yr old daughter Santa might put coal in her stocking. She asked, what's coal? I said it's round and hard and like a rock.
That little $h!t popped off with...."well, I like rocks. I'll paint them to look like M. and dad and brother and .... Yup, I need a looooot of rocks."
I didn't know whether to laugh or pray. She's going to be a holy terror as a teenager.

My favorite was when the my daughter( we have two girls) said " I can't believe you and daddy did that twice." I believe sex education was started a little too early in her school! LOL

and when the same daughter kept telling me that it is against the law to drink and drive. I was drinking a diet coke at the time!

My four year old,"Santa isn't real."
Me, "what makes you think that?"
Four year old, "I used my x-ray vision."

I told my 5 year old at supper the other night that I thought my eyes were bigger than my stomach. His response, " It's cause you're 30."

we were talking about going to walmart the other day and my 5 year old interjected, "you know what we should do is go see the christmas stuff. and i know exactly how to get there! you go to the fish and then you go to the right and - BOOYAH! -giant snow globe! it's AWESOME!!!!!"

first correct use of BOOYAH! lol...! we cracked up.

the other morning while we were getting ready to leave he saw an ad on tv for "santa's winter wonderland". he got SOO excited! "mommy mommy! Santa's winter wonderland!!" -i said, "honey, you already talked to santa and told him you wanted transformers for christmas, we don't need to go talk to him." He said, "i know M. but i have a lot MORE stuff i want - i need to tell him!"

Oh, I have so many, but I'll just share some of the most recent...

My 9 yr old was recently looking at our honeymoon album and couldn't get over how young and skinny I was back then. She was like "wow, M.! What happened?" To which I said, "the three of you happened, that's what."

My 6 yr old son came up to me last week and lovingly patted my stomach and said "Hi, Santa." I said "I beg your pardon?" He replied "Your belly is like a bowl full of jelly just like Santa's." Nice, huh??

My 2 yr old likes to come with me when I go to the bathroom. The other day he was in there with me and had such a look of surprise on his face. He pointed at me and said "where pee-pee go?" I told him girls don't have pee-pee's, they have vaginas. He ran out of the bathroom and proceeded to announce to the rest of the family while holding his crotch "Girls, baginees"

And one last one: When my 6 yr old was in the process of potty training, my husband took him in the bathroom while he peed so he'd see how it was done. He looked at his father with amazement and said "you've got a big pee-pee, Daddy. It looks like a poop!"

I was wearing a shirt the other day that says "Naughty but Nice". My 4 1/2 year old asked me what it said and I told him. He tilts his head slightly in thought for a moment and then says "I'm a little naughty!!"

I about peed my pants!!! Love that little stinker!

My 5 year old son was playing the game Life with me, my sister, and a few of my cousins over Thanksgiving. Everyone has to get married in the game and when it was his turn he said, "No! I don't want to get married! I would be so totally embarrassed if I got married!" We all looked at each other for a split second and then busted out laughing. He comes out with something crazy about once a day it seems!

Once I had to call my boss at his home and his young son answered. I spoke with the boy for a few minutes and then asked Where is your Daddy? His response was poop. I said I'd call back. Later on when I talked to my boss I said that his son had told me he was finishing up some paperwork. lol

My 2 yr old (Just 2 tomorrow actually) walked into the kitchen the other night with a magazine that she pulled off the stairs and told my husband with a straight face that the magazine had no business being in the stairs - I nearly peed my pants
I have no idea where they get these things but kids really do say the darndest things

When I was pregnant with my second child I went in for an ultrasound and was able to see very clearly that I was having a baby boy. When I got home I asked my then three year old how she was going to like being a big sister. I explained that the baby in my tummy is a little brother. Her little mouth dropped open and she said, "Brother! No! There's puppies in there!" Wishful thinking on her part.

When my daughter was about 2 1/2 we were driving in the car past some cow pastures... The smell was, well, fragrant. She said, "Ew! Cow poopy! Call Daddy and have him bring his poopy spray from the bathroom!" She was talking about the air freshener/neutralizer he uses in the bathroom after... Ahem. You know... Haha. Funny girl.

my 5 yr old said the other day "mommy i want and iphone for christmas, so i can go to the app store and download angrybirds" me: honey when santa brings mommy and iphone then we will see about the angry birds app" too funny

This morning my 4 year old got one of my Magic Tree House books out (I've taught 2nd grade) and I said it's title. "Dingos at Dinnertime" I then said, "The Dingo ate my baby!!!" My husband repeated it and we pretended to eat the baby (the 20 month old).

My 4 year old climbs up on the bed to get in on the action. She says, "I'm a Bingo and I'm going to eat the baby!!!"

Yesterday, while playing with my old Cabbage Patch doll I told her that the doll used to be mine when I was a little girl. She replied, "She was HAPPILY yours, before she was mine!?!?"

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these kids!!! My oldest is my entertainment on a stick!

omg alyssa (4) and sophia (3) are soooo funny !!! they were fighting and i asked whats wrong. Alyssa said sophia keeps lookin at me like shes crazy so i poked her eye!! lol i thought it was the funniest thing ever!!

Just the other day I learned some of the REAL words to the "12 days of Christmas"...

On the first day of Christmas, my TUNA gave to me - a ??? tuna bear tree!

My son has seen many Santas this year and he asked my husband,
"Is Santas beard short or long?"
My husband replied, "It's long."
My son said, "Why is it short sometimes and long other times?"
Hubby, "He has to keep it trimmed, it grows really fast to keep his face warm at the North Pole."

Another cute one was that my son approached his speech therapist at school and said, "Can I have some Chocolate?"
She replied, "Why? Where would I get chocolate?"
He said, "Because it's my Birthday, I'm sure you have some at home." LOL.
The next day she snuck a hershey bar wrapped in a note in his back pack and e-mailed me the cute story.
Cute posts! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year!!

According to my son grandpa hunts deer and evil elephants!

My 4 year old stuck up her "pinky" today (actually her middle finger). Her older sister told her that it was not nice, so obviously she wanted to do it more.
My 4 year old jumped off her chair and annouced to us that she was going to go watch Spongebob and hold up her pinkie. Lol.

well ill share this one about me. i was a 3-4 year old that liked to use big words that i didnt know what the meaning was. my M. was out in the garden pulling weeds and i walked up to her and hugged her and told her '' mommy i love you even though your defective!"

my daughter has asked if daddy was ready to die so she could get a cat (long story short he is allergic and i told her that we cant have a cat until she has her own house or daddy dies... i then had to tell her that daddy isnt dying for a long long time lol)

my mil said '' ooh im pooped'' and my daughter looked at her in a disgusted way and says '' you pooped!?!?!''

I was finishing wrapping gifts with my 5 year old that she is giving to the family. She said, "I hope Daddy likes his present." I assured her that Daddy would love anything she gave him. Without hesitation, she said, "Even if I make him coffee and accidentally put salt in it?" Well...

My kids were talking about how young my husband are compared to their friends parents. My son said, "When I'm 19, they'll be old." I said, "But that's in 5 years." He said, "What?! Really?! Man I'm growing up too fast!"

I have tons but that's the one that jumped into my mind. =)

My 5 year old is questioning Santa. I don't know how long she is going to believe in him. She saw Santa a few weeks ago. One night we were watching tv and there was a commerical with Santa. She said Mommy why does that Santa look different than the Santa I saw. She said every time I see Santa he looks different. I told her that the ones she sees on tv and at the mall are Santa's helpers. The real Santa is at the North Pole getting things ready for Christmas.

We were at Walmart and my DD said Mommy why are toys in the store if Santa makes them. I said the toys in the store are for birthdays and special days. The toys Santa brings are special because he and the elves made them. She just said Ummm to that answer. I just hope she will beleive for a little while.

my 6yr old keeps us on our toes... some gems
well his most public recently was at church. They do a kids sermon and he is getting a reputation for his weekly comments... one week after a discussion of going to heaven his arm shoots up and he says but some people go to HELL
after saying something with a little attidude to his daddy... my husband said excuse me? and he replies. "it's called SARCASM daddy" and walks away
In school they listen to stories on the computer then have to write about the favorite parts... he HATES to write. So the question- what was your favorite part " He wrote "all of it" To the questions why did you like it? "I did"
One day I asked him.. What gave you that idea... his reponse "my brain"
and no idea where he heard this one "OMG did you see that!"

someone willl have to remind me in 9 yr that this is funny ;-)

About 2 weeks ago, little one wanted to go to 'big' church w/me instead of staying in children's church. At one point, they played this little video of "It's called Christmas with a captial "C" ... and this has a pretty good beat to it (youtube has several videos). It doesn't take long for her to pick up some songs, esp when lines are repeated, so she was quickly chanting that chorus (title) when it came thru! However, what really about made me LOL in church was the older gentleman sitting just in front of her, leans back just a little, and tells her "yeah! good job" type comment! (not sure she really heard him or likely the whole church would've heard her singing!)

We saw Santa about a week ago walking into the gas station and I pointed him out to my kids. My daughter (4) said "I knew he was here because I saw him drive up in his car." I replied "I thought he drove a sleigh?" Her response "Well at night he does! During the day he drives a car!"

She also told me last week after she and her brother hugged that they were going to get married when they are older, but they will have to find their own house!

When my daughter was three and playing with my husband, he was being loud and trying to get her attention and she says "Daddy I don't like your choices. Please try to be nicer next time!"

One morning my daughter was having a rough start and was crying and not wanting to get dressed. I left her to have her meltdown and came back to see if she wanted to 'talk'. When I asked what was wrong she replied "I'm crying cuz you talk too much and now I have a headache." She was 3 at the time!

One morning my daughter was in bed cuddling with me and says "Mommy I don't want you to throw up!" and I asked why she thought I was going to do that and she said "Well your breath stinks really bad!" LOLOLOL

At our church for an Easter Egg hunt, my daughter looks around at all the people and asked quietly "Is God here M." To which I replied "Yes!" and almost cried :)

My favorite recent one - my daughter came out of the bathroom and said "I just had a poop shower!" I ran into the bathroom and was like "WHAT?" and she says "I just pooped then peed on top of it. A poop shower!" LMAO!