Jealousy...? - Joplin,MO

I read this post while at dinner a couple hours ago and it has sparked a deep conversation with my husband.

First I, as the biological mom to one 12 year old girl, think that your feelings are valid and normal.
Second my husband, step-dad to aforementioned 12 year old girl, thinks that your feelings are valid and normal.

I don't think this is a case of bad-mouthing the bio-dad(s). I don't believe that's what you were saying.

I think what you are saying is that the bio-dad can do 1/4 - 1/2 the work (or less) and still get the "credit". This is hard to take. For anyone.

My daughter has a "spotty" relationship with her dad. We live in another state.... I moved the weekend my divorce was final. After he found out the standard child support amount, he offered to give me sole custody for a reduction and ability to move where my family lived. I took it because as it was he was not paying anything anyway and wasn't taking her on the days he as allowed. Every so often he decides he's "done" because it's "too hard" and it will be year or so before he "re-surfaces". He got married a couple years ago and has been MUCH better about taking her, but even now it's not even 1/2 the days he's allowed to have her in the divorce decree.
They talk every couple weeks and they used to play words with friends until he felt like she didn't return play quick enough and that meant she didn't love him enough and he told her he was tired of being pulled back and forth. Then he didn't speak to her for 3 months. I'm not kidding. now they're back speaking every week or 2 and she's going there for spring break.
The other day on instagram she posted a "My daddy will always be king" or some such sh*t. We monitor her instagram, so my husband saw it and showed it to me, with raised eye-brow. He said nothing.

But tonight, as we discussed your post, he said that it's really hard to be the one who is putting in MORE time but getting LESS than what a parent gets. He's the one who would pull her out of a burning building or fling himself on top of her if a gunman opened fire in our movie theater, 'but her daddy will always be king'. He's the one who helps her conjugate her Spanish verbs and he's the one who overhears her tell him 3 different times on the phone that Spanish is the foreign language she's taking because he can't remember the basic facts about her life. He's the one that got up early this morning to take her to where she volunteers every Saturday and he's the one that stayed up last night to finish drying her clothes because she went to bed, exhausted after a week of mid-terms and knowing she would have to get up early to volunteer. "but her daddy will always be king".

I could go on and on. She was 10 when they met and we've only been married 3 months, so it's not like he's got time on his side, either. Statistics say your family isn't blended and you aren't fully *accepted* until as many years pass as how old the child was when you (the step-parent) started the relationship. But even when she's 20, he won't be her "dad". Because she has one. Even though in the 2 years he's known her he's ALREADY spent more time hour for hour (even only counting the awake hours) with her than her own dad has spent with in the last 7 years, since we divorced. even though.... even though.... even though....

So, what he settles for, in the end, is what EVERY parent settles for; even the biological ones. You do what you do because it's what's best for the kid. Not because of how it makes the kid feel about you. You do what you do because it's what's right. not because the kid understands.

He said to me tonight that if anything happened to me he would just lose her. Because he can't adopt her, although he would. He can't keep her because legally she would probably go to her dad, if he wanted to fight for her. He could wake up one morning with no claim, and never see her again. Because she would probably chose to go live with her dad, because of some fantasy idea of what he might be or could be. Instead of staying with him (step-dad) which is the way more logical and better choice. But because he is only the step-parent, he doesn't have that option. Even though he loves her way more than she loves him. And he loves her way more than her dad loves her. But she loves her dad more than she loves him. Just because he's her dad.

And it's not right. It's maddening, actually. I don't think he equates it with jealousy, necessarily. but I do know that he feels an inequity in what he does for her and how she feels about her dad.

Because kids romanticize their bio-parents. What she feels for her dad is simply based on the IDEA of what she wants. Her dad wouldn't pull her out of a burning building. Because he was willing to exchange every weekend for just school breaks over $500 a month. Her step-dad gives WAY more than $500 a month of his money toward her expenses and gets nothing.

So, I get what you are feeling. And I think it's normal. I think what you have to do is come to terms with the reality of it. And know that the impact you can have on these kids will make a difference. Whether they know it or not.

Good luck.

Yes, definitely. It's one of the downsides of being in a relationship with someone who has children. The other parent, even when not there, even when a lousy parent and a lousy person, is still an important person in the life of your partner and his or her child, forever.

My SD's mother is, at the end of the day, a terrible mother and a pretty messed up person. She's one of those people who never should have been blessed with children and yet she had three (one with my husband, two more with another guy). She abandoned them all 2+ years ago and despite living less than an hour away, has no contact with her daugther, who is now 15. And yet...she is "mom" and always will be. I always have to maintain some level of gratitude towards her for having my SD because without her, I would have this wonderful child in my life. And I have to give her some credit for in her own messed up way, realizing her limits and doing the right thing and letting us finish raising her daughter without interference. My oldest son's birth father left before he was born and he's been running from child support for almost 15 years. He recently established contact with my son via FaceBook and I'm sure that it hurts my husband that my son is open to getting to know his sorry excuse for a birth father but he just has to accept that even though he's been "dad" to my son for 10+ years and is the only father he's known, there will always be a connection to this other person that has to be honored.

At the end of the day, the kids understand the big picture as they get older. My SD has no warm feelings towards her mother and can't understand how she could have messed up so badly. She doesn't need me or her dad to talk about it. Same thing for my son - yes he's curious about his birth father and wants to get to know him, but he knows that he wasn't there for him and didn't do right by him and that my husband and I have. We live it, we don't need to tell him.

So yes, your feelings are part of the package of loving someone with kids! That other parent will always be a figure in your partner and child's lives. It gets easier to accept it over time.

I haven't read any of the other answers, but I'll just share from my perspective.

There is an old phrase which comes to mind: "Shame the parent, shame the child." This is true. The more a parent is talked-down and demeaned, the more the child internalizes those messages. They interpret themselves as the product of 'your loser dad' or 'your crazy mom' or any other number of negative descriptors. In the same way that children idealize their parents (and I do think kids do this partly out of self-protection), when they receive negative messages about their parent, they do take those traits on themselves.

I think most loving parents want their child to feel that they were *not* a mistake, that they *were* created in love, even if that love is only for the moment, or only the love of that one parent who is still around.

Here's the other side of the coin: kids DO grow up and begin to examine this stuff. They notice things as they become older teens and start to compare their own family lives with the lives of their peers. They come to their own understanding, as adults, of obligation and 'the right thing to do'. My guess is that when your girlfriend's kids are old enough, emotionally strong and mature enough to deal with the hard realities, they *will* ask for more details. Kids grow up and see their parents for who they are, pretty clearly. I've had my own experiences with this (my own mother bad-talked my bio and adoptive dads--which did a lot of damage to my self-esteem and self-perception-- and I did ask my bio-dad lots of questions when I hit my late 20s and was brave enough to do so).

Knowing the truth about something is only a good thing when one is ready to hear it. At such young ages, nothing good can come from badmouthing an absent parent. These things to sort themselves out. I've lived it and I've seen it in the lives of my friends and others I know. Have faith that their idealization of their dads is *how* they are coping with their fathers being gone. Without that, you remove a very necessary coping technique as the kids move through their adolescence-- which is characterized by their quest to define themselves as capable, lovable people-- and into adulthood.

I don't think anyone has ever said "I'm glad you told me Dad was a jerk". But I am certain many adult children have told their parents "thanks for letting me figure this out on my own, and giving me the space and grace to feel that I was loved, and worth loving."

So, it's okay to feel a little jealousy, and to be the adult and to live with it, knowing that relationships aren't just what happens now, but what we also remember many years from now. You'll be giving the kids a gift by being magnanimous, which may be more than their fathers ever will give them.

Regardless of what kind of couple you are, gay, lesbian, heterosexual, the issue is one in the same....step children/like step children. I have a step daughter and at no time did I pretend to be her mother or stick up for her father(my husband) and try to make him look better than what he was. I let them establish their own relationship, butted out when things got tough, as it was not my place to do so . You have no biological tie to these children and you know what they say, it takes more than a biological strand to make you a dad/mom. "Dad" boasts about being a GREAT dad, because he isn't one. Give the kids some credit and be patient, they will evenyually see who their dad really is and make their own decisions about the relationship. It is best for you to not say anything against him. Jealousy will always reer it's ugly head, but remember, YOU are the adult in charge of the care for these kids. You are not a child and it does not behoove you to behave like one. Good Luck.

I think I went through that.
My SD's mom wasn't in the picture. She left when she was 3 & was not a
"present mom" until it was easier (she was about 7 then). She'd even
bring her home early on her days when she was sick.
I did everything for her: get up w/her when she was sick or make sure
her dad heard her & got up for her helping him with her when she was
sick, taking her on special days shopping & to lunch, buying her special
gifts.
All of a sudden one day mom's relationship didn't work out & she was back in the picture.
Mom was in & I was looked upon like a 2nd class citizen esp after I had
our child together.
But I look at it like this, I know what I contributed. I don't need any accolades, acknowledgement or appreciation. I know what I did.
You're both in your kids' life giving them what they need. That's all that matters.

I just have to say how insightful and moving I found CoMoMom's response to your question.

Wow.

No. No reason to be jealous.

I think it's great that you are trying so hard to figure out things to do with these kids and learn about their world. But I have to reiterate that with two sucky dads, these are going to be traumatized kids, which will surface at some point. And the fact that you are already feeling jealousy should be an indicator to you that this whole situation is not going to be easy.

Please heed all the good advice you got to your first question, about going slow and trying not to be these kids' "parent." The crafts and anime questions are great -- having adults who do positive activities with kids is always a good thing.