It's Obvious Christmas Is Coming

what can I say. In a way he's right. Buy a few gifts and put his name on them. But, I feel you too, he should want to bring tem something special from him. Don't get all worked up about it, do what you gotta do. If dad refuses to get them anything and you want them to have something from him, but it and label from Santa or Dad. It's all about keepin the peace

Happy Holidays

You Are Still Parents

A divorce doesn’t end your duty to be a good parent — even if you do not have custody of your children. You may feel hurt, and you may have many things to worry about, but you need to help your children cope with the trauma and uncertainty of a divorce.

Turning your children against their other parent is not the solution. If that happens, everyone will suffer. Try to be helpful to your children and work to make your own life — and theirs — happy and successful.

How can you make this happen? Here are a few tips.

Dealing With Your Former Spouse

Divorce is not a pleasant experience and, for any of a number of reasons, you may harbor a resentment of your ex-spouse. However, it is important to remember that he or she — like you —is a parent. How you treat your former spouse, and how he or she treats you, will have a dramatic effect on the well-being of the children you share.

With that in mind, here are 10 suggestions for dealing with disagreements you and your former spouse may encounter:

1. Don’t fight. Stop and think about the reasons for the disagreement. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Make sure the other person understands your point of view.

2. Don’t try to be (or expect anyone else to be) a “mind reader.” Speak up. In a non-argumentative manner, tell your former spouse your thoughts and opinions. Ask for explanations if you need them.

3. Be a good listener. Really hear what the other person is saying and meaning. Ask questions that might clear up confusion.

4. Avoid “tit-for-tat” exchanges and yelling matches. You can’t really win by being the loudest or batting the same old tired accusations back and forth.

5. Don’t get personal. Stick to the issues and focus on the problem, not the people. Name-calling, sarcasm and insults only make matters worse.

6. Cool down before there’s a meltdown. Anger leads to violence. Get control of your anger before you even try to address the problem.

7. Look at the problem from another point of view. Think about the other person’s position. Try to imagine how he or she is feeling. You might get some idea why the other person is not responding the way you’d like.

8. Look for a new approach. Try to think and talk about the conflict in a different way. Find some common ground between you and your ex-spouse.

9. Be reasonable. Don’t make demands which can’t possibly be met. Look for ways to compromise, so that each person “gives a little” in search of a solution.

10. Aim for solutions that make everyone feel like a winner. Instead of being determined to “win,” be concerned with reaching a decision that is best for your children.

Visitation Tips

Visiting with the other parent must be ongoing if the children are going to love and respect both parents.

A court will usually decide that the parent who does not have custody of the children may take them to his or her home, or away from their home overnight.

If the father has a new girlfriend, or the mother has a new boyfriend, it is better not to take the children to the friend’s home. Remember, this is a time of adjustment not only for you but also for your children. Visitation is meant to be a time for the parent and children to be together and enjoy each other. Visiting with the parent’s friend may make the children feel that the parent does not have time for them.

If a parent can’t come for the children on the day that was agreed upon, he or she should tell the other parent and the children as soon as possible. Not telling them may hurt their feelings.

Some divorced parents think that visits are not important. This is not true. Even if the parents can’t get along, visitation is important. The children need both parents if they are to grow up in a normal way.

Should the visiting parent plan to take the children to an exciting place? That is not as important as just being with the child.

As a parent, you shouldn’t use the visit as a way to check on the other parent. Don’t ask the children questions about the other parent. This can hurt them by forcing them to take sides.

The two parents should also agree on a common set of rules for their children. If they do not, it will be confusing to the children.

Finally, if the children have problems with the visits, both parents should find ways to address the problems.

Some Things to Remember

• Look on the good side.

• Give your children and yourself some time to get over the pain of the divorce. Help your children to remember the good times the family had before the divorce. Help them understand that the divorce is not their fault; that it does not mean one or both of the parents don’t love them anymore; and that the family has simply been restructured.

• If you feel angry with your former spouse, do not show those feelings to your children. Don’t say bad things about the other parent; your children need to love and respect both parents. Don’t force your children to choose sides.

• Try not to disrupt your children’s lives any more than necessary, especially right after the divorce. For example, if your children can stay in the same school and play with the same children for a while, they will do better.

• Tell your children about any changes which do become necessary. Stick to the visitation schedule but be flexible in allowing necessary modifications. Visitation is more important than most childhood activities and must take priority over baseball/soccer.

• Let your children know that they can talk about the divorce. They will be hurt if they feel that they cannot talk about it or think about it.

• Realize that, as your children grow older, you may need to talk about the divorce again in a different way. With your guidance, you may be able to help them learn how to make a better marriage.

• Remember that, no matter how hurt you may be, your children are also suffering. Be supportive and help them adjust to changing circumstances. Together, you will all survive the experience and help each other through this difficult time.

For Legal Advice, See Your Lawyer

RESOURCE: http://www.mobar.org/8cfd4441-9db4-4748-983c-195ab307d484...

I am going thru the same deal...and it sucks! So I am feeling your pain! My suggestion...if he is making 75K per year you are underpaid! Take him back to court...have his support increased to the 28% that is now the standard, have him pay for 1/2 of daycare and all extra curricular activities and make it standard that he pay for insurance and half of all expenses not paid by insurance. It would be an investment in your future and thiers! Just do the best you can for christmas, do not invite him over to share in the glory of opening them on christmas morning, unless he is equally contributing to them. Let the kids have a seperate christmas with dad, and let dad deal with the looks of disappointment on thier faces when he does not measure up.

Dont ever feel guilty for the things he does and the way he neglects the kids. He will eventually have to answer to 2 boys, who have eyes and ears and will see for themselves. You should never make up for the letdowns he gives them, he needs to deal with the consequences of that!

Obviously the man is a selfish kid himself and nothing you can do will hurt him, or open his eyes to his behaviors....so, do the right thing, dont get even...take everything you can, and that will send him away crying! Punish him the only way he will respond...in the wallet!

First of all, B., let me just give you kudos for not wanting to fight back by telling your kids that daddy makes a lot of money. Unfortunately, not many parents are that mature. I know that ex's can be a pain. I know this may not do any good, but try mentioning to him that he should not discuss those things with the children. As far as making the kids understand, I would just try to gently remind them that you also pay for more things than daddy. Just be sure to do it in an objective manner. Leave your opinions outside for this one. And, well, if that still doesn't work....don't sweat it too much. It won't be too awful long before they forget all about it. And in the end, which parent do you think they will claim as a hero? Not daddy. Good luck! I hope this helped a little!

B., WOW, I remember this exact ploy, even though we're (thankfully) past this now. And you can see from all the responses, this statement, "Ask your mom because I give her so much money to spend on you," is pretty widespread behavior. The other line that often comes with it is, "and if she doesn't have enough to get you what you want, she must be spending all "YOUR" money on herself."

I think the suggestions to help your son begin to understand where the money goes are the best. Your son is very young for all this, but even at 6, there's a lot he can understand. I put together "a list" of everything we had to spend money on, using mostly pictures instead of words because the younger one couldn't read at all yet. I think it surprised the girls to see how many things cost money that they just took for granted.

And while I understand the desire not to stoop to dad's level, there's probably a way to tell your son without doing it that way. Here is pretty much how I explained it to my kids:

"you know, sometimes when people get divorced, they end up with bad feelings for awhile, and their bad feelings make them do and say things they shouldn't. right now, daddy is feeling angry with mommy, and so he's telling you that i have so much money. really, daddy has enough money - even more than mommy. (I was at about $40,000 between work and child support, and he was making $169,000, and I showed them 40 cheerios compared to 169 cheerios)." Then I told that families all have different amounts of money and what's important is having enough money to always have food and clothes and important stuff - which we DO! - so they didn't to worry. I also told them that we're not rich and we can't have every single thing we want. I also said that I could make more money, but it would mean working more and being with them less (I also worked only part time), and I chose to be with them more.

If you notice, I didn't call their dad a liar. I didn't tell them to confront him or that he should buy them more things. I simply said that people get angry and do things they shouldn't - TRUE! - without either condoning or condemning, and then went on to talk about our situation as honestly as I could.

I hope these ideas help you. I remember feeling so frustrated and annoyed, but my kids (also very little) did get it, and they let it go. Good luck and happy holidays to you.

S.

First I would like to say I understand where you come from. My parents split when I was little and had to deal with the same situation. Now I am married and dealing with it with my husband's ex.

A good idea, that my mom did with me (when I got mad like your son) is to be honest about the money. Do not try to hide anything; kids are smart and will figure things out on thier own. If possible, sit down with your son and show him your checkbook and bills. Explain to him how you get a certain amount (childsupport and work) each month and where that money goes each month. My mom and stepdad sat down and explained and showed me, my brother, and my stepbrother (all of which my mom and step dad got childsupport from) all the bills and things they pay for for us. This really helped get rid of that anger and appreciate what all they did for us. It also helped us to see that yeah it may be a lot of money to a kid but kids also need a lot of money sometimes to be able to live happy healthy lives.

Also, just have a lot of patience and love for your kids. Like I said earlier, kids are smart. They will learn the real story for themselves without you or your husband trying to push them one way or the other. I felt the same way as your son when I was that age and I learned and got over those feeling. Unfortunately it really just takes time and love on your part. He will learn and realize the truth in time.

Good luck, and if you want to talk more about how to help with these types of situations feel free to email me ____@____.com i would be glad to help since I have now been on both sides of the fence so to speak.

I am so sorry that he is doing that to you. And to put the kids in that place is just showing what a bad dad he reallly is!!! I bet his mom is a bad GRANDMA too hu!!!

I know your kids are Young and might not understand or want to help Nor would you want them to help you do the bill's.. I knwow I always try to do them when the kids were sleeping....

but Try to make a chart or somehow save the stubs to show in a book somehow Ok. for the month ok.. we started with this.. and now we take off this number... and this for food and this for gas for car... and this for x, y, and z... and now we have$$$ hummm that leaves us hummm 2$ not 5000$ ok lets go buy that playstation you wanted hhahahahaah Ok sorry just kidding on that last little bit...

but show on the one side what is going out... then show what you want to get the extras.. ya know toys that might be wanted little extra's..... to show they cost money.... if new socks are needed a coat etc.. ya know.... to show we might need like 20$ left out to try to get this or that will we have that to try to get it???

They had at Michaels craft store on clerance a while back some foam money... CUTE as heck.. I picked up some for later.... It will help show Josh later how money is done.. Maybe the dollar store will have some Play money. I think they do.... That might help too hu..

Just Good luck... and try try try not to go to HIS level!!!

You are better than he is!!!

Sending hugs!!!!

Oh I feel your pain; I too am going through something similar with my ex. He only pays me 211 a month for our son and he thinks that I should use all of that to fly him back to Utah every 3 months or whenever he feels like seeing him. I told him no….. and that he is lucky that is all I make him pay when he is supposed to pay half of all plane tickets. You should definitely take that man back to court. He should be paying half of your deductible for medical and dental and partial daycare. The ex's never like to pay for their children, it makes them very spiteful so they sometimes say some really nasty and hurtful things. Divorce always has some harsh times and you have to try to not let them get you down. You are doing a great thing by spending as much time as you can with your children. I think it is a wonderful thing. Take care!
D.

I was given some great advice on this subject. Tell your kids " I do not make Dad pay the money. The judge is the one who told dad to do so. If I coudl get by with out the help of your dad's money then I would. But Dad's money help with a roof over your head, docotr visits,clothing,ect.." You can get a detailed as you want or not. But put it back on the judge and the courts. Then your not blaming dad and you're not the bad guy either. Hope this helps! S.

That's definately a bad situation there! What about talking to your kids about the true meaning of Christmas and that what matters is that the gifts come from the heart...not how much loot you make off with. We make even less than you do with 3 kids and we make many of our gifts. Gifts are to be shared in celebration of the birth of Christ with the ones we love.

Hopefully as my children get older they will understand that more and appreciate the things that they have been blessed with :)

B., I have a 6 (almost 7) year old. We too are on a budget. Though we aren't in the same marital situation you are in, my daughter has a bad case of the "gimmys" right now. We tried over and over to explain to her we don't have a lot of money she gets mad if we buy things for the house or whatever and don't let her buy a "treat" while shopping. So, we sat down with some paper, pencils and calculator one day. Together, with her doing the writing, wrote down our income and all of our expenses. We also added for good measure all of the misc. items that make our money disappear. She was somewhat suprised with the results. She still whines sometimes but we just have to remind her about the "budget" she wrote.

Dear B.,

Your ex husband is obviously not conscious of whats real and whats a fantasy the fantasy is that your making enough to support your two boys when the reality is your not your husband is making triple and then some more than you are and yes your right he should buy his kids toys for christmas that wouldn't even put a dent into what hes bring home a month. I think that your being to nice to this man and that you should let him know look these are your kids to you wanted them just as much as I did and your job is to provide for them and child support doesn't stop at what you give a month theirs holidays and birthdays to.

good luck

T.,