It Bugs Me When My Husband Complains He's Tired. Is That Totally Petty?

Co sleeping is great! :) But maybe it's time to put the toddler in his own room. When the baby comes, IF he/she needs to room with you, Daddy can sleep there, too.

Oh man, if that's petty, I must be the pettiest person on earth. There is no way I would put up with that, and it's pretty insensitive of him. He knows you're 39 weeks pregnant, right???

You know this is a common conversation peice period.

"Wow, I am tired."
"Yeah, me too! How about we get the kids to bed a tad early tonight and cuddle up?"
"OOOh, that's a plan."

Even if it does not actually happen it is both of you shareing you are tired and then giving something to do about it.

Comiserate, agree, whatever it takes but do not turn this into a fight.

I totally get it. I am a mom of 4, ages 9, 6, 3 and 6 months. I haven't slept well in 10 years. Meanwhile, my husband falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow, and is out for the night, despite frequent wake ups from the baby, the 3 year old, and occasionally bad dreams from the other kids. If someone is sick in the night, I am up with them. My husband often doesn't even hear the kids if they wake up at night!

Being pregnant is so exhausting, especially at the point where you are. Add a toddler into the mix, and you are wiped out! I think you need to give your husband specific things you need done, so you aren't stuck with everything. Pretty soon, you will have a lot more on your plate, and he needs to help out!

Tell him exactly that. Say "I don't know what I need, I don't know what I want, I don't know how to fix the situation but it bothers me. I fully acknowledge that you are tired/stressed/not feeling well and that you have the right to feel those things for your own personal reasons but right now, while I am growing a human being inside my body I need more focus on me." That way you aren't cutting him down or ignoring his feelings and you're acknowledging that there may not be a 'band aid' for the situation but communication is key!

It isn't a competition and if it was...well who would want to be the winner?

In my experience when you give compassion you are more likely to receive it. What I mean is take a few minutes, how was your day, listen, empathize, listen. Usually then in turn ask you about your day and listen as well. Usually. :)

I am an accountant, I am far more tired when I get home now than when I used to have a physical job. Desk jobs just make you tired and it is the kind of tired that looks stupid because you get enough sleep, you don't really do anything, but then when nine rolls around I am ready to hit the hay.

I wish I could find some extreme accounting, ya know, run around the building, work, build something, work, climb the stairs, work.....then I would have a ton of energy when I got home.

Just a small point, but non-pregnant people get tired too. :)

I know, I know - not NEARLY as tired. But maybe it's best not to keep a scorecard of who's tireder. I mean, is that something you'll be wanting to reflect back on in your golden years?

"Bob, remember that time that I made you admit that I was more tired than you? Wow those were the good ol' days!"

Him saying that he is tired doesn't negate your feelings of exhaustion. When I tell my husband I'm tired, he'll look at me and say, "YOU'RE tired? I saw 22 patients today, then 4 in the hospital, and then hosted my Advair dinner.." I just smile and say, "Honey, I know you're tired too, but we can both be tired at the same time." He smiles and says, "Yeah--let's go to bed."

Get your son back into his own room. Make sure that the baby knows how to sleep and get your husband back into your master bedroom!

He's tired... you're tired... your toddler isn't sleeping well. Research is pretty strong on the long term effects of sleep deprivation. We all deal with it differently, but your body NEEDS to sleep!

Sacrifice another couple of nights and fight the battle to get that boy in his bed... then you can ALL sleep soundly.

Nope, not petty. Time to tell him that something has to give. No more staying up late to watch TV. And get him back in bed with you.

Please consider not co-sleeping with the baby. Your husband has no incentive to go to bed at the same time as you. Give him one. Snuggling and talking before you fall asleep is pretty important.

I'd tell him that your body is doing twice the work as a regular body. Push him to acknowledge that.

Good luck!

You're both tired. Rightfully so.

I would just go and schedule a massage. Hire a sitter for a day and have a day off. Go get a pedicure, visit the library and sit in the comfy seats and read, whatever works for you to get a little rest. Or have that sitter take the kids somewhere for an afternoon so you can have a break.

Figure out a way to fix what's wrong with YOU so you don't feel like you need to negate your poor husband's feelings. His are just as valid as yours, dear.

ETA: I agree with those who say to get the toddler out of your bed. They call it a "marriage bed" for a reason. I can't imagine that your husband is happy about the situation.

i think you are overwhelmed and justified in having a good whine.
i hope your husband bucks up and quits complaining and rubs your dang back for you.
here!
i'll give him a (little) kick in the kneecap for ya.
hope you get some sleep today, mama.
:) khairete
S.

YIKES!!!

This is a tough one...for you!! I'm sorry!! Congrats on the new baby!!

Sleeping in someone else's bed CAN be tiring...he made the choice to leave the master bedroom. Co-sleeping can wreak havoc on ones life and marriage. I realize you said that wasn't the issue, but it's still hard. I know what it's like to have a child who doesn't sleep well. My youngest didn't sleep through the night until he was a year old...

How about starting a dialogue or conversation with your husband? Communication does work. You need to tell him how you feel, what you need and what you want.

You are NOT stupid. You should NOT feel stupid for writing it!! A lot of it IS hormones...some of it is lack of sleep...some of it is just being darned uncomfortable!!

So today? Do something for yourself. When the 2 year old is asleep - YOU sleep. Let the house go for a day. It WILL be okay.

Then when your husband gets home - tell him:

"Hey Honey! How was your day? I know you must be beat. However, I'd like to ask you to try and rub my lower back after dinner this evening, it really does hurt. The baby is really making it uncomfortable."

Or ask him to sleep with you tonight for some one-on-one time...instead of the other bedroom...

Start the conversation. You CAN DO IT!!!

Good luck!

I think I would feel more sad about the fact that I no longer shared a bedroom with my husband (how long has this been going on?) and that there was no end in sight to sharing my bed with children instead of husband. Perhaps he doesn't sleep very well without you, and is tired. Perhaps he's depressed that you are more driven to sleep with your children instead of him, so he stays up late to watch TV.

I know you are saying it's for different reasons, or isn't an issue, or whatever...but I can almost guarantee you that yes, this is a big part of the problem. The state of being tired relates directly to proper sleep or lack thereof...so I see a connection.

I am sorry that he isn't more compassionate for you in your state...he absolutely should be! He should be rubbing your back and doing the cooking and helping with the toddler...you're about ready to pop!! I am sorry you are in this positions...but again, I can't help thinking there's something going on with the fact that he doesn't get to sleep with his wife in his own bed...but his child does. I know EXACTLY how my husband would feel about that.

Perhaps try discussing this arrangement with him again, and congrats on the baby! Remember to enjoy these last moments of pregnancy and you are about ready to bring another beautiful life into the world! It will be worth all the exhaustion. ;)

I would feel the same as you. I suggest that you just be honest with him and tell him exactly what you just told us. Hopefully he will acknowledge that you have the right to be tired too and better yet, maybe he will stop complaining in front of you about how tired HE is! Don't feel stupid, we all have the right to feel how we feel, period, end of story.

I am big on open communication and truly believe that honesty is the best policy and it's better to be truthful and acknowledge our feelings to our spouse/significant other...so we don't build resentment!

Good Luck woman!

~I have totally come to realize that sometimes it's not easy being The Mommy and we have SO much to do and most of the times with not very much help!

My husband has always been able to function on far less sleep than I can, maybe that's what 21 years in the Navy will get you...but I am so thankful for it!

I can see how you are both tired, but I would ask him to suck it up some and step up to the plate, seeing as you have a baby coming very shortly. Maybe he doesn't understand how hard it is to be a stay at home parent? Even the most demanding days on the job can be a walk in the park compared to some days staying at home. I'm sure you don't nap all day, so he should expect you to be tired as well, chasing a toddler and 9 month pregnant.

Just have a conversation - let him know you understand he is tired and so are you. Maybe the toddler can go to bed and you guys can get some time to connect. I think that would help. Even if connecting is sleeping!

Not petty, but not useful, either.

Both of you can be tired at the same time.

Turning it into who has more of a "right" to be tired, who is more tired, or even "Im tired so that means you're NOT tired"... Is what my marriage degenerated into.

I couldn't feel ANYTHING without my exhusband approving or disapproving of it. Tired was definitely on the list, but here's a random evening.

"Hey, Im hungry so Im going to Stirfry this, want some?"

"What do you mean YOU'RE hungry??? YOU got to have lunch AND its not like you spent 3 hours at the gym, or had to run for the bus, or do any of the stuff I had to do! If one of us is hungry, its ME, not you."

"Jeeze, dude. I'm just freaking hungry. So Im cooking something. We're both allowed to be hungry at the same time."

It may annoy you, but just because you are tired, that doesn't erase his right to feel tired. HIs feeling tired doesn't make your tired less valid. And it is possible that he is mildly depressed because he isn't able to sleep with his wife. Not judging, but he may miss it and not be able to articulate it. Men don't show "sad" like women do.

If he is THAT tired, see if you could get him to the doc for a checkup. He may have a thyroid condition or something and not know it. Better safe than sorry and angry.

Men are babies. The end.

From where I'm sitting, you have a perfectly legitimate reason to vent. We all have days where we just need to release some emotional pressure, and it really helps to write it down. Talking doesn't always solve everything at the end of a long day where everyone is too exhausted to communicate effectively. Congrats on your new baby!! Good advice below, so I'm just sending you comforting hugs. :) Sorry that you're going through this.

I haven't got past you n child sharing master bedroom and your husband in another room. I would get your son back to his room and let your husband back in his bedroom. That might be the problem. Men complain more. It is the way it is.

I understand, and can relate. Sometimes you just need someone to acknowledge, "Hey, I'm tired, so I can't IMAGINE how exhausted you must be. Can I do anything for you?"
With that said, 2 year old needs to be back in his own room, and hubby needs to be in your room. Not just for a better relationship, but also bc hubby needs to be HELPING with middle of the night childcare. He can't do that from another bedroom.

He's tired. You're tired. You being more tired than he is doesn't make him less tired.

i hate that too. my husband is like that too. my husband has sleep apnea and will not wear his cpap. this is exactly why hes so tired.
i would just tell him that you dont want to hear it because your up and down all night and that maybe he shouldnt stay up watching tv soo late.

My husband is similar and it used to drive me crazy that he'd stay up late watching tv and then complain. So now I say "hmmm. Probably shouldn't have stayed up watching tv" and try to let it go in one ear and out the other. Or ask him nicely "why did you stay up so late then?" Make him take ownership for stupid decisions. Slowly but surely my husband learned to keep his mouth shut or at least be sheepish about it. Same time - my husband also needs that downtime. For me, sleep is everything. For him, he needs less sleep but more "other" time. So maybe your husband is so burned out (and I think I know his job - very very tough one) that he needs TV to chill out his brain. So try not to battle but instead buy yourself time. Hire a sitter, hire a baby nurse when the baby comes etc so you can sleep when you need to. And when he complains, try (I know it's very very hard) to not see it as a competition and say "I'm sorry. It sucks. I'm really really tired too. My back is killing me." Commiserate instead of compete. Are you a bit of a martyr and never say anything hoping he will stop complaining himself and instead acknowledge you? I get it. But it doesn't work... Men are just too self focused. Vent to your girlfriends though! They know how you feel. And fortunately someday this will all be behind you.