Issues with MIL....

C.,

I feel your pain. A little background info about myself. I've been married for 17 years and have two mothers-in-law due to my husbands parents being divorced and remarried. Holidays are especially hard dividing time with everyone equally. (We've never lived close so it's always an overnight visit)

If you've only been married for 18 months it's possible that your MIL is still adjusting to her son being married. She needs to realize that you are a family unit. You did a wonderful job offering Thanksgiving versus Christmas and should stick to her original request. But, if the decision has been taken out of your hands by your husband you need to discuss with him about presenting a united front to his mom.

My advice to you is to keep your mouth shut and allow you husband to be the bad guy in these situations. You will be dealing with your MIL for many years to come and don't need to exchange bad blood with her. She will forgive her son but not the wife of HER son (if you know what I mean) :)

Give her time to adjust to your new status but don't rub it in her face. One day we will all understand how hard it is to turn out "babies" loose to another. Until then cut her a little slack, this year, and make sure your husband sticks up to her in the future.

Coming to an agreeable solution for both sides is key.

Good luck & Merry Christmas! Let us know how things turn out. :)

C. -

My hubs and I have been married for almost two years, together for almost three. We had our first child five months after we got married and of course both his family and my family wanted us to visit them all the time. Both our families live in Detroit, and we live in Shelby Twp. No one hardly visits us because "we live too far away", but it's just as much time and gas for us to come to them as it is for them to come to us, but they don't think of it that way (his family acts this way moreso than mine, but he's the baby boy of his family so I can kind of understand why they act like that). Eventually (and very quickly) we got tired of our families' selfish attitudes and we stopped running ourselves ragged to satisfy everyone else and started visiting people when WE wanted to. After all, we're a newly married couple with a new baby and hardly had time to enjoy each other because we were too busy catering to everyone else!

Anyway, most of our families have come to understand that we're our own family now and want to start our own traditions and do our own things, but there are still a few extended family members who give us a hard time about visiting every time we see them. We just shrug it off and keep on truckin'. We came to the realization that we can't please everyone and keeping in touch is a two-way street. Some people are hurt because we don't break our necks to come see them all the time, but so what? We have our own stuff to do. If they can't be happy for us and understanding of our viewpoint, then there's nothing we can do short of running ourselves ragged for their benefit, and that's just not going to happen.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but you have to find it in yourself to stand up for you and your family. Your time is precious and you don't want to spend it trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of your family's happiness.

How do your parents feel about you not spending any time with them because of your hubby's mom's selfishness?

We had similar issues this year. My parents come to our house for Christmas Eve. My family has always celebrated and opened presents on C Eve. Usually we would go to my MIL's on Christmas am for a few hours and then to my aunt's around 3 where my mom's whole family is. This year we decided we weren't going to tear two kids away from their Santa toys and rush over to my MIL's. Instead, we invited her, my SIL and my husband's grandpa (that is his entire family) to our house for breakfast. They wouldn't come. WE were told that grandchildren should go to their grandparent's house for christmas.

Long story short... I sent them an email invited them over to celebrate Christmas on Sat the 27. I included a time and told them to let me know if they were coming by the end of the week. No other options. I received an email the next morning that they were coming.

Bottom line is...you have to stand up for yourself. You are entitled to celebrate certain holidays as you see fit. And yes, I think you will be expected to do the same now next year.

If your MIL is anything like my ex MIL then it sounds like you have a manipulator on your hands. It sounds like you made it clear, one or the other holiday and she chose. Your husband should have talked it over with you before changing plans and then stood his ground on your side. It sounds like your MIL wants to control everything. When I was still married everyone expected us to go to them all the time,too. One year I finally had it with everyone pulling us in all directions and told everyone they would either need to join us for Christmas Eve church, come our way on Christmas Day or make plans to celebrate Christmas on another day. Kids deserve to be at home on Christmas and able to play with their new toys they've received, not dragged around everywhere. We don't do anything with anyone on Christmas Eve as that is the day we have our intimate family dinner to celebrate Christ's birth (complete with birthday cake) and go to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at church. Then we have all day Christmas Day to enjoy our gifts, watch Christmas movies all day and eat leftovers so I'm not on my feet all day. It works out quite nice. I'd say talk to your hubby about your expectations, find common ground then stick to it. Let him deal with his Mom, she will most likely compromise with him more than with you. If he won't stand his ground for some reason then you stand yours and let him go alone (but only after you've told him he'll go alone if he caves. Make yourself clear.) Good luck - be confident and she will back off.

I kind of went through the same thing about 4 years ago with my MIL. Long story short...I was doing a huge Christmas day/dinner for both our families together. Hubby and I figured that it was understood that Christmas Eve would be out for us. At the time I had 2 and 5 year old boys on top of all the cleaning and prepping of food that I had to do on Christmas Eve. When my MIL called and I told her no, we hadn't planned on doing Christmas Eve at her house since everyone was coming here on X-mas day she immediately called my husband and made a big stink...he stood his ground. She called him again after he got home from work crying and making a big stink. Hubby ended up taking our boys while I stayed home and prepared everything. So...I spent Christmas Eve by myself working. Hubby refused to open any presents she passed out and kept telling her to bring them tomorrow. I also had a suprise big screen TV delivered on Christmas Eve (which she knew) and my husband still needed to hook it all up. She basically ruined X-mas day for us because we didn't want her there anymore.

What we do now...I have Christmas day at my house and we never even talk to her about it anymore. We do Christmas Eve there and I have my family over for a nice intimate Christmas day here. I have no idea what she even does on Christmas Day. She wanted Christmas Eve and she has it now and it seems she's happy.

Maybe just tell her that if she wants Christmas Eve then you will no longer be able to go over for Thanksgiving? I know that's what you thought you did this year but I guess you'll have to make it more plain somehow. I would say to have your husband deal with it though. I know my MIL will just call my husband if I say something she doesn't like. So I let him deal with her now.