Hi all,
So I had a long talk with a girlfriend last night over the chat function of FB. I'm really at a loss of the type of advice to give her other than a professional couselor but she can't afford it. This is her issue that I would like some help on if anyone has ideas....
During her college years she was very flirty, very confident etc... She met a really nice guy, amazing in fact (seriously, woman are jealous of her situation) that is nothing but patient and loving towards her but since getting married and having kids, her entire sex drive is gone. She admits finding sex to be a chore. She will pretend in fact to be asleep just so her husband won't come near her. It's also gotten to be where even when he tries to hug her she can't fully embrace and melt into his arms like the good ol' days. She'll hug him but she says a small part of her is glad it's over when he lets go. She is attracted to her husband, she knows he's a great guy to her and their kids but why no sex drive at all? Why the avoidance? Why the intimacy issues? She also told me that the hugs go for everyone in her family but her children. So if her in-laws try to hug her she feels awkward and wants to pull away and if her own parents or sisters try to hug her, it's the same thing. She feels bad but doesn't know how to correct this and get back to being her old self. One last thing, she also mentioned that her 3 young children hang on her all day long so sometimes she feels like she wants no one else to touch her for the rest of the night (I think this part is understanable though, don't you?).
I told her that her birth control could be a culprit and to talk to her OB about changing to see if that helps, which she is going to do. But has anyone else been here in her shoes and could help me give her some more advice??
Thanks!
birth control made me a zombie with regards to sex. I didnt want it, but I'd go through the motions if I had to to keep my husband happy. I've noticed a HUGE difference since I went off it in December. My husband likes it that I'm more affectionate, even with just hugs and not sex. When I was on it I didn't want anyone to touch me except the kiddo, it would literally make my skin crawl.
I think therapy is the best bet. The thing that stuck with me from your story is how great a guy he is. Yeah my friends are great guys, my husband has more dimensions than that. I guess what I mean is if he is just a nice guy, a good catch, ya know the one it is rational to want to be married to that could be the issue as well.
The thing with birth control is has she been on it all along except when she was trying to have kids? If so then that is not a new issue and should not be causing her problems.
I'm thinking it's the birth control! I would definitely look into that as a cause. Plus, being touched by kids all day can really get you touched out. I sometimes feel that way and need to have my own space. Otherwise...not so sure. I really think the birth control might have something to do with it.
I'd suggest counseling. There could be several things going on, and she may not confide in you what they are, she may not even be sure what they are.
I've been on birth control most of my adult life and have never had an issue with intimacy or sexual desire. I think there may be something emotional going on with your friend.
Your friend reminds me of myself so much. My husband is a great catch as well, very handsome and treats me well. We waited to have sex until we were married, but it was all I could do to stay off of him! I was such a tigress and he had to be the strong one because I loved making out so much! Then I started birth control when we got married and all of my libido went out the window. We both were crushed since I had been so horny while we were dating. I'm sure some of it had to be with the fact that it wasn't forbidden anymore and the chase was over. But after I had a couple of kids and stopped breastfeeding, my body started getting back to it's old self and I refused to go back on birth control. So now we use condoms which aren't fun either, but at least I have a sex drive again. It's not near what it was when we were dating, but I'm glad to say I actually have a desire, especially once a month when I'm ovulating and fertile and my body is trying to get me pregnant :) So I'm not a crazy tigress anymore and I still think our sex life could improve, but it's not a chore anymore. I used to cry about how great our marriage was, other than the intimacy aspect of it. It was miserable. I never wanted sex and when we did make love it didn't do anything for me. It's important for marriage though and her husband has sexual needs that I wouldn't advise ignoring. She shouldn't ignore her own needs either. The first thing I would recommend is getting off of birth control. It takes a while to get our of your system. And part of it is in her head, which is where therapy would help. Also, when I wear makeup and sexy underwear I feel attractive and like a sexual creature, not just a mom.
I completely agree w/ Teresa C..
Birth control killed my libido.
So I killed BC. :)
Even after that it took a long time to get those feelings back.
And oh my (!) the 3 young kids hanging on her all day! I only have 2 and one doesn't hang so much anymore, but still some days I want to run away.
Does she have anyone who can watch the kids regularly so they can spend time together alone?
All I can say is I have struggled in this dept. too (and I am not a touchy/cuddly person to begin w/) and the more time together we get the more I want. ETA: Exactly what Pamela said. The more time spent apart the less you care...
And your head has to be in the game too. You can't just be mommy, mommy, mommy and turn it off and be sexy wife.
HTH's a little.
She needs to have her hormone levels checked. They can give her stuff to help balance her out again and make life enjoyable with the great guy shes married to.
I've read at least the first 5 responses which I liked very much they were all so very informative. It could be any combination of the things mentioned.
Intimacy begins with the thinking. Has your friend considered how she is thinking about herself and her husband? I make it a regular regimine to guard my thought life. Not just how I think but what I think. Yes there are things about my husband that can be irritating even in all of his being a great catch but still none the less I make certain I'm committed to think of him in a honest and positive light. I also think of the things we do together that keep my motor going. This is also important. I exercise which helps keep my libido up. I am not a fitness nut by any means but you would be surprised just how much doing 25 jumping jacks or running in place for 3 minutes can do for you just to get you jump started.
If I were your friend, I would get a full workup by my physical doctor there may be something else wrong outside of the birth control. She may also recruit some help with the kids so she is well rested and ready for her husband. She may also want to talk with her husband. I know my husband would move heaven and earth to help me if I were having any problem and since her's is so wonderful perhaps he could do the same.
She would probably be best served if she made getting to the bottom of this mystery a priory because her children are learning from her even when she isn't teaching them directly.
I hope this helps.
does she have any issues from the past that might be kicking in now? like a hard childhood, intimacy issues stemming from parents or previous boyfriends, etc.? It could be that it's just rearings its ugly head and she needs therapy to help her get past it... just a thought... i know that having kids hanging onto you all day can get your drained but that would be a once in a while occurrence, not every single day. i would encourage her to investigate the real cause (by switching to a different birth control, seeking therapy, etc.) since that can really cause a strain in a marraige if you're avoiding sex like the plague! good luck to her..
