Issues with 15 Year Old Daughter

I feel your pain! I have a 16 yr old and a 13 yr old. Oldest is very nice to everyone except me and her younger brother. She won't share much with me either, and she is mean to her brother, so I relate to your situation. Hopefully, for both our families, a lot of this will pass with time and maturity down the road.

Some of it may be more than just teenage grumpiness. You mentioned that your oldest girl has been through a lot in the last 3 years and that she has been upset about her younger sister since age 6. Maybe she needs some help that a mom can't give. Maybe a short-term with a counselor or pyschologist (without you there) could help her learn ways to cope better wtih her life and to see you as a resource, not as her enemy.

I also suggest that just the two of you to go away together for a weekend, someplace she picks, where you can just do something fun together, something you have in common. While you are there, talk with her about all the things you love about her and admire, with no conversation about what you don't like. She needs your love now, even if she is actiing very unlovable. A trip alone with you will show her she is important to you.

After that (not on the trip), I would calmly explain to her that the only way she will be allowed to go to social events, especially if you are driving her, is if she is civilized at home. Even if she is angry, she has to speak nicely to you and her younger sister. Otherwise, stay in her room until she is ready to be polite. You cannot force her to like you or your other daughter, but you can make her behave better at home. Try www.loveandlogic.com for ideas for dealing wtih this.

Both our oldest childrn need lots of love. We have to put our own hurts and disappointments aside and give them the love they need from us, even when they themselves are not being loving. At the same time, they also need us to make it clear that they cannot be allowed to be mean because that is not good for them or others. It becomes a habit that they don't know how to get out of. It can be stopped or at least minimalized if we tell them it is no longer acceptable and they cannot go anywhere without being decent at home first. Even when our oldest girls start driving, they are still minors and cannot do things without our approval. This is not being mean. Legally, these kids are still under our care and it is our jobs to raise them into functioning adults, which includes learning to be nice even when you don't want to be.

Given that your daughter has been upset about her sister (and you) since age 6, that has to be resolved. Get outside help with that, for her sake. My daughter has some issues she has to learn to deal with, too, and I will start her seeing someone this fall. In a couple of years, we won't be able to make them go to counselors, so now is the time.

I wish you and your family all the best!

I acted like this as a teenager, and while it was miserable for my family, everything turned out fine. I gradulated from college, got a good job, got married and had a baby! However, accessing her accounts online, recording IM's, or otherwise spying on your daughter is showing her that you have absolutely no trust in her or in her ability to make responsible choices. Treat her with respect and she may begin to respect you. Remember, you have three years before she will go off to college and you will have no control. I would try to let her have some privacy.
As far as getting her to talk to you, I can share what helped with my mom and I when I was in high school. We went on a trip together, just her and I to the Bahamas for four days. It was great. She shared with me some of the things that she did when she was a teenager and through college, her friends, her troubles, her crushes, her mistakes, even the drugs she did and the boys she dated (with the juicy parts!). I realized that my mom wasn't just my mom, but had also been a teenager who did the same things I did! She even showed me some pics that had me shocked! My mom at spring break smoking doobie in bed with two guys!!! You'd really be putting yourself out there, but that will only show that you, too, are human, did things that your parents didn't approve of, and then turned into the responsible person you are today. Let it be a secret between you two, the things you share and have fun.

Wow, I wonder why she does not trust you, as you do not trust her and check on her secretly. I was your daughter 20 years ago. Honors student, A gpa, scholarships to college, attitude. I did not agree with my mother in high school and still do not. We are different people. I love her and live with her 1/2 the year when I am in America now with my son and we are fine. However, at some point you must realize she is her own person and will be. Soon enough she will be in college on her own and you will not be able to "monitor" her. How will you deal with this. Perhaps the better question is how can you begin to let go. I did fine in college, moved to NYC for 10 years and travelled all the world. Have some faith that you raised a bright, beautiful young lady that will be just fine, if you let go. She will probably come back to talk with you in time. Religious retreats overnight with peers helped me with my bad attitude towards my family, not talking with my family. I even became a peer minister. I recommend religion or some kind of couseling - professional. If she won't go, then perhaps the rest of your family should. It can only help. I can guess you will most likely disregard my recommendations. Perhaps the best question you can ask your daughter is what she would like/expect from you. She probably resents that you read her emails. I do recall one explosive conversation with my mother as a teen and she accused me of drugs, etc. I reminded her I was a straight A student, in religious groups, and in varsity sports, driving a car with riders, working a job. Did she really think that kind of child had time for drinking and drugs? Really, let go a bit, and she will come back. I cannot comment on the sibling issue as I had an older brother I adored.

HI there,
The other responses have been excellent and I probably agree with all of them. Best way to build trust is to give it.
Given what you have written, your daughter, in her own way, seems possibly to be screaming out in response to some sort of "trauma"...any chance she could have been sexually abused? Around when things started or perhaps earlier or maybe even ongoing? Its an awful thought...it could explain the aloofness, anger, distrust, etc aside from typical teenage angst. There would probably be some benefit to seeing a counselor, for each of you and perhaps both of you...
Hopefully this helps
Best wishes!

If you were my mom, I wouldn't want to talk to you either! You should already know everything since you are invading her privacy by reading all her things. My goodness, If my daughters were treated like that they would surely not like me! Give her respect and privacy. She probably feels invaded and untrusted. Do you trust her? Obviously not, or you wouldn't be so nosey. Your girls are different people. They learn differently and like different foods. They require similar house rules but may need different attention from you, and also then, different discipline. I am still stuck on the fact that you are reading her things..... that is just too much for me. She needs a hug and for you to trust her.

hi L.- i've thought about this, and certainly I don't know everything about your situation, but I was 15 not that long ago and to be perfectly honest, I think you're trying too hard. I commend you for wanting to be involved in your children's lives, and it's definitely a dangerous world out there. That being said, I think you should step back from your oldest daughter. My sister and mother had a very, very similar relationship (she was the youngest)- their story sounds just like what your wrote. I always allowed my mother access to my accounts and I hid nothing- it's just the kind of person I am. My sister tho, is totally different. Even tho she didn't do anything wrong, ever, she absolutely HATED that my mother required access to our emails, voicemails, etc and would say that she didn't find the need to talk to anyone because they knew all about her anyway. My mother finally ifgured this out and let my sister have her privacy, with the single rule that you don't do anything you wouldn't want mom to know about. it's amazing how much this worked, by shifting this responsibility onto her shoulders.
I agree that you have to protect your kids and that it's a scary world, especially for a teenager on the internet, but your efforts to be involved in her world may be pushing her away. At 15, she's starting to learn to be responsible for herself- like you say, she's really a great all around kid except for her attitude. And the fact that she has friends is a testament to her social ability.
In short, I think two things are clear:
1- she seems to have some resentment towards you and the family, probably because she does not have any privacy in her communications, which is really essential at her age, to experience the world. She can't open up to you until she feels you trust her. And by monitoring her accounts, that sends a pretty clear message to a teenager that you don't trust her. She is not going to understand the rationale of "i trust YOU, i just don't trust THEM".
2- Her resentment is probably playing out with her actions toward her sister. she sees that you have a good relationship with her, and she's probably jealous of that but doesn't know how to express it, and it's to a point now where she can't admit to it or even understand it herself. This is a battle I'd fight quietly. Everytime she does or says something rude, enforce over and over again that it is not acceptable and that she should apologize.
Stop worrying about whether you are fair - I really honestly think you should take a step back and let them be teenagers. Yes they need limits and rules, but they also need a chance to make mistakes, keep (minor) secrets, and experience the world as an individual, not with mom checking everything they do. I know other moms will probably say you're doing everything right, and I know it's becuase of our unfortunate culture of fear, but when you see it backfiring, it's time to try something else.
Good luck- it's such a hard time for all of you!

Wow, I see it has been two years and your daughter is prob. now 17, I would love to know what you did or how things turned out. I am sitting here reading your story and I feel, I could have written this. It is exactly what I am going through now with my 15yr old. Everything is the same including the 3 year younger sister. I am desperately seeking help, I am at a loss at this point and do not know what to do. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Hopefully, you will see this and can enlighten me.

Hi L.,

I am traveling around the country with my U.S. this summer. We are going to 15 Jonas Brothers concerts. So far, we have been to 8 concerts and we have traveled over 7500 miles. Hannah is my third daughter and the behavior of all three has been what you describe with your daughter. If you want to read about my journey go to www.andreahylen.com and click on the blog. I have about 40 entries and some are not accessible because of a glitch with the Apple software updates this summer. Please feel free to contact me through the website and I will send you some of the older copies.

When my oldest daughter was 15, we went to a therapist and the therapist told us that it is normal for our daughter to want this privacy. It is part of becoming independent, separating from the family and moving into the world. But, what the therapist did tell our daughter, Mary was that she had to throw us a bone. As long as she was living in a house with anyone, it is common courtesy to provide something.

On my trip with my daughter this summer, I wouldn't know what was happening most of the time, if it weren't for the blog. Thank goodness for the blog! My main concern is to keep her safe at this age and set some boundaries around common courtesy in the house. We do all survive this. My older daughters are 23 and 24 and now they call and want to tell me more details than I WANT to know!