Is Two the Charm?

Wow! am going through the EXACT same thing as you. Child out of wedlock, biological father is unwilling, met my husband who is WONDERFUL but I would like another child for the sake of my 4 year old daughter but can't get past the 2 different father's stigma.

What has helped me some is since my daughter's father is UNWILLNG to be a father and my husband is the only real daddy that she has known. I am in the process of changing her last name, even though he is not adopting her but so she can feel more like he is her daddy (if that makes sense) instead of carrying the name of someone who isn't around.

And then I just plan to take it step by step. which means if it (I have another baby)happens good, and they will both have the same last name.

2nd- You should get married first before having the child.

3rd- Every pregancy is different so you may not have a "bad" pregnancy the second time around.

4th-You never be totally financially ready-no one is unless you are a millionaire and even then I question it. Just trust God that if you have a second child it will work out just like it worked out with your first child that you weren't prepared for (financially or otherwise).

5th-I do understand and even at 37 I still have issue with having a child out of wedlock sometimes. But when we are out with people who don't know us people think that she is his child and they say if you feed a child long enough they'll begin to look like you-and I have had MANY people say "she looks just lke her daddy". LOL. My point is no one can dispute a LOVING family.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART!

I would love to hear what other women have to say. Thanks for asking this question though. SMILE!

I have 2 that are 3 yrs apart, 3 yrs seems to be the perfect spacing, long enough to have one out of diapers and close enough for them to play together. saying that I will say that there is nothing written in stone that says the second pregnancy is going to be easier. Mine was, yes but every pregnancy is different. Both of my kids are complete opposites. Starting from day one of the pregnancy they were different. They are still different. But that's not saying your's will be. There's no rule that says your pregnancy will be like this __________. So really what your pregnancy will be like is a roulette wheel. If its going to stress everyone out then don't try. Both of mine were unplanned and honestly it was better that way. It's an adventure. You could not actually TRY but not try to prevent.

I call tell you that 2 was not the charm for me. After #2 I got the itch again because I really wanted a son (already had to girls) . But it turned out to be another girl and I realized that 3 was more work than I wanted to handle. Of course I coundt send her back and Im sooooo glad I have her today but then I got preg again before I could get my tubes fixed and yes I had another girl. Of course I cant tell you what to do but dont count on getting that boy if that is the main reason your husband wants another kid.

Cant help you with the 2 father thing from personal experiance but my best friend could and after talking with her she said it all depends on the dads and their charature and relationship with you.
Kimberly

I can certainly understand wanting your daughter to have siblings in her life. They truly do enrich our lives so much--much more than mere playmates, but as a lifelong support network. Still, greater than a child's need for siblings, is a child's need for TWO committed parents--parents that are not only committed to the child, but committed to each other. I once read the greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I am not sure if it is the GREATEST thing, but it is an important thing. Our roles as parents are among the greatest responsibilities we have as well as among of the most rewarding. But it can also be stressful and we truly need a support system shared with one who cherishes our child as much as we do. Too often single parents tend to make the child him/herself the buddy/best friend. Though closeness and trust are important, they should be enjoyed in relationship with parent and child in which one is the nurturer,authority, counselor--not when two buddies mutually support each--children are ill-equipped for this. This role is fundamental for parents to have with each other. If you and your partner are not yet to a point in the relationship in which you feel sufficiently committed or stable for marriage, maybe some thought and prayer should go into deciding if sharing a parenting role at this time is wise.

Jonava,
I have three children (all from the same father) 16yrs, 13 yrs, and our little surprise is 20 months. For our first 2 children we were not married, but we we're living together for 5 years.We finally got married after being together 10 years. With my pregnancy of my son (#1) it was horrible. I even signed a paper saying I would never have another one (joking around with family). He was even born sick, but it was nothing major. He was fine after a couple of weeks. My daughter, baby #2 pregnacy started out rough bad morning sickness, some spotting, nothing real major, but with no problems at the end. Perfect delivery. Daughter baby #3, I started having contractions at 19 weeks, Dr. said I got dehydrated. I had to carry a water bottle with me to drink at all times. Perfect delivery. I guess what I tying to say is every pregnacy is different. You may have some problems as your first, but you may not. That's a chance you have to take. As for not having enough money. You never do. We just bought a new house with a big mortgage a year before we found out we were going to have baby #3. It was tough. Formula, diapers, daycare....it was really tight. We just cut back on other things. We made it. No more formula, we still have diapers, but she doesnt use as many now. We got her out of daycare and put her in a home daycare (recomended from other people we know). She's cheaper than daycare and we love her. It can be done. You both have to be willing to cut back on unnessecery things if that is what you need to do (for awhile at least). As for different fathers...my sister has children from 2 different fathers plus now married to husband #3. She was young and only stayed with #1 for a year or so. The 1st father never had any thing to do with my nephew (now 20 yrs)after that until he was 17 or so. He talks to his father, but not much. My other 3 newphews, who my sister was married to there father for about 10 yrs. see's their father when ever the father feels like ways stay in touch. Now their step father of about 4 yrs, loves these boys as if they were his own. You would not be able to tell these were not his boys.
I would not be concerned with having children from 2 different fathers. If you and your fiance love each other and are in a good place with eachother...go for it. If daycare is a concern for you wait another year until your daughter is 3 to start trying for another one. That way maybe she could start pre-k by the time you have #2. As for you having a boy, tell your fiance thats up to GOD.
Good luck with what ever you choose!
Sue

It sounds like the last thing you need right now is another child. I grew up an only child, and while it would be nice to have a sibling, I had much rather have had the experience I did with parents who had time to give to me and who really wanted me for all the right reasons. Are you actually married yet to your current love? I don't think people have to be married in order to have wonderful, deep relationships, but when it comes to kids -you need to be -if for no other reason easier legal claims for child support, etc. in case he decides to leave you all. I would certainly be wary of the fact that he already has 2 children he (hopefully) is contributing to, plus your child. If having another child is definitely going to put a strain on you, then that opens up a whole host of reasons for you two to fight and have problems. And I can tell you one thing -my second pregnancy has been every bit as bad as my first if not worse. There's nothing in this world that would make me do this again. There are no guarantees about how any pregnancy will go. Don't get pregnant because you have "the fever". You're talking a lifetime commitment here. IF in a few years you and your fiance are married, things are going well, and there wouldn't be a big financial strain -AND HE WANTS ANOTHER CHILD -perhaps you should think about it then.

two is a charm...i actually have four children, 13, 10, 5, 4 years old...my older two are with my ex-husband and my younger two by my current "husband"...we weren't married when i got pregnant with my 5 year old and still aren't married...this is not my choice...he doesn't want to get married but at least he has stayed with me and loves the boys very much...there's a lot of love in our household and i think we are happiest when all my children are around...my "husband" grew up with a lot of family around and is very family oriented...i was an only child myself until my sister was born...i was 14 when she was born...like you, i didn't want my children to grow up alone...if you two are in agreement, i would say go for it...

I can't comment on the child having different fathers since me and my husband both only have our 2 children and they both have same mother and father.As far as having another child, there are SOME things that are easier, such as labor,the knowledge of certain situation or sicknesses,and the child having a sibling does help some b/c it gives them both someone to bug for awhile so they don't bug you constantly.But it does bring on the occassional fued.Everything pretty much evens itself out with 2.The only thing that I have found that is much harder with 2 is leaving the house,haha.Me and my husband only wanted 2 children so it was an easy decision to have our second since our first seemed lonely at times with no one to play with.And while he whines about his little brother messing with with sometimes and gets in trouble sometimes for not remembering he's just a baby he does love coming home from school and playing with him.Me and my husband had always wanted a girl, so sometime when our children are more independent and not so much up my butt every second of the day we plan on go have a girl implanted (since family history and odds are against us for girls).My second pregnancy was MUCH more harder than my first.I went from no symptoms but morning sickness to couldn't even brush my teeth without throwing up,heartburn (which I still have now),insomnia an everything else under the sun.But since my first had already ripped me a new one with his massive head my second practically delivered himself and was larger in weight than my first,though thankful the head was not!Anyway, I say if you both want another child then go for it.You can't go through your whole life on the what-ifs.Start making a baby!

Hello Jonave,
Ask yourself if you know in your heart that your family is complete, or if someone is missing? I knew I didn't want my son to grow up as an only child. That was very important to me, but I do know people for whom that is not as big an issue for them. Two kids are harder than one at first. Once they are older and they can become playmates instead of you being the only entertainment in town, it should become a little easier. As far as pregnancies, each one is different. I hope this helps at all.

You sound a lot like me wondering if I should have a third child! My boys are 5 years apart, but I knew I always wanterd more than one child. I have a brother and sister, and I want my kids to experience that, too. I have ties with my siblings I will never have with anyone else; who knows you better than the people you grew up with? I also think into the future and know I want my kids to have each other when my husband and I are not around anymore. In the meantime, I know they will have a lot of good laughs over our parenting! Only you can decide if having more kids is right for you and your situation. If you aren't sure about finances or your family situation, you might want to talk about it with someone in a similar spot. Good luck!

I have been struggling with whether or not to have a third. My husband and I have been on the fence for a long time and I'm pretty sure we won't. We're getting older... at a point where are kids are getting more independent, etc... Ours are 15 mos. apart and it is great. The first year or so is harder, but once the little one is old enough to play, they really do keep each other entertained (of course, they fight too...). I had two pretty easy pregnancies, but the second birth was definitely easier. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you going it alone. I can tell you it's was a pretty neat experience with my husband by my side (for us both). So we've decided that we are mostly just nostalgic for the experience as opposed to REALLY wanting another one. I guess you and your husband really need to talk this out. How would he feel about another daughter? Just how hard would the finances be? I wish you the best!

Hi Jonave,

Two may just be the charm... but I would put my priorities in order and make your daughter and fiance the first two. Only if and when the "fiance" (and I am sure he is wonderful) is ready to become your "husband" would I begin to think about a second child. Who is to say another baby would be a boy and not another girl? Who is to say your fiance wouldn't split like the birth father of your precious little girl? Those are the things I would have to consider before another baby.
Otherwise, the relationship could really become strained by daycare for two.

B. L

I don't think this is a decision to make until you have been married for at least a year. How is the blended family (his kids and your) doing with each other???Before making the decision to have another child you should be very sure this marriage is very stable and that he will be there for you. "Fiances" may split when the going gets rough but "husbands" are more likely to stay the course as they have made a committment. If it would be a finiancial strain to have another in day care, wait until the child you now have is in kindergarten before having another. What your friends are doing should have nothing to do with your decision about your family. Your friends won't take care of the children nor pay the bills. No one can predict how a second pregnancy may be.

Hi Jonave,
Perhaps you two should get married first and then decide if it's a wise idea to have children together. Being a fiance isn't the same as being a husband or a wife.
As for that second child, I, to am in a blended marriage and we each have a child from previous marriages. We wanted one together for a very long time before we were blessed with a little girl. She's brought our family together in a way that I cannot describe. What a blessing.
Sincerely, C.

I have 4 children and love them all but it is not easy. I will be honest that raising children is not for the weak or faint hearted. Making a marriage work is not either. Are you an overcomer and determined? You can make it work.
With God's help we can do anything.
I wouldn't want a life without my children. I couldn't make it without the Lord either.
Life is full!!!
Blending a family is challenging also. There are authors who have written books that can help to make life blend with families who already have children. But honestly whether this is 1st family or a blended one it has it's challenges. Just different ones. Are you determined to stick it out even in bitter times?
I think it is better personally to have more than one child.
I pray that things go well for you and that you really think it out with your fiance and share your thoughts, fears, excitements and how you plan to make it work, see if you can agree and go with it.

I would suggest waiting for a while after you get married before you consider having another child. Your relationship with him needs to grow and you need time with each other first. Your daughter is only 2 and you don't need to rush into things. My boys are five years apart. We waited for three years after we were married before we had our first son. Our second son was planned when we knew we were changing stations from England to come back to the states. You need to wait until your situation is right and let God let you know first. It is good for your daughter to have a sibling but wait until you know you are stable and married.

Just want to say sorry about the first dad. His lose not yours or your daughter.

Lots of women say I am never having another child until they realize you forget a lot, and time is forgiving. Once you see how fantastic children are especially raised the way you want, it changes your mind. If this is the right man and he is going to be there with you it will make a huge difference. You will creat great memories together. He probably really does want another child. The two of you can change your destiny for having a complete family. You don't have to be rich to have children. It helps them not be so spoiled.
We weren't rich and our three had plenty. We had dogs, ponies, chickens, turkeys, ducks, rabbits and above ground pool. Every child that came to our house thought we were rich. (No Joke) They even had chores which they hated at the time but it made them more well rounded and gave them great work ethics.
If either one of you have insurance for medical you will be fine. If we all waited until we were rich we would never have children.
We planned all three of ours the first two were 15 and 12 when we had the third and regret not having the fourth. The last one felt like an only child. I am the middle of ten and wouldn't take anything for my brothers and sisters. Yes life was hard but we lived to tell about it.
Pray about it together and if it is meant to be it will happen. God Bless You and Your Family.
J.

hey jonave... i have a similar story to yours. i was a single mom with my son until he was 2.5 years old. my sons father was very un-involved in his life. When i met my husband, i was in the state where i said i would not have anymore children. but that changed for me too. i now have 2 boys, one is 6 and one is 2, and we are so happy. they are the best friends ever. my six year old has loved having a little brother. my husband did adopt my older son too not long after i gave birth to max. when my husband and i got married, my dad called us 2 peas in a pod too. i love having 2 boys, and I am glad I did it. Oh, and my husband is 10 years older than me too. but, he did not have any kids before me. still, i think if i was you, i would have another one. :) see i want a 3rd now sometimes, but i realize that is not a good option for us.

I just had my second child a month ago, the pregnancy was harder (threw up daily through 21 weeks) but if you give birth naturally, the labor was much easier (head still hurts like crazy but that's only a few seconds). It certainly feels more "complete" to have a second child around, and certainly not twice as hard (yet) I just keep her in a sling when I do things around the house or out and she wants to be held, stop to nurse when she asks, and Eden, our 2.5 year old son, likes to help me with her. We got him out of our bed in time to put the new little girl in, and life has been sweet.
and you'll never, never have enough money, so I wouldn't make that a reason to not have another one.
I would just gauge how you feel about another child when you are NOT ovulating.

Hi. My husband was an only child and said similar things about it being a lonely, not much fun experience. When our son was born, we had a lot of issues (preterm delivery, etc.) that made the experience very stressful and far from ideal. We knew that a second pregnancy would likely be complicated as well, but in the end decided we didn't want to raise an only child. The 2nd pregnancy was in fact difficult (4 months bedrest), but now that our daughter is here (3 weeks old!) we couldn't be happier.

The second child is so much easier because we know what we're doing this time. Also, we decided to wait until our son was 4 before having another child. We knew we couldn't afford day care for both at the same time, so right about when he starts public kindergarten she'll start in daycare when I go back to work. An added bonus is that our son is now old enough to understand what's going on and he is able to talk to and play with his baby sister, which I'm sure is easier than trying to deal with a 2-year old with a new sibling. My advice" have the second child, but don't rush into it!

I had wanted 4 children, 2 girls first and then 2 boys. After my first was born, I was so undecided when to have the 2nd - I questioned should they be a year apart, 2, 3 years. I even questioned whether it would have an effect them being born in different "centuries" (oldest child was born 1999) - yes, I was being neurotic. Finally, I came to, or at least, maybe my hormonal levels were getting back to a normal range, and I decided it would to just let nature take it's course. I got pregnant while still breast-feeding my first. My girls are almost exactly 2 years apart. The main difference between my pregnancies was I had heartburn from h*ll with my first, and "morning sickness" with my 2nd. My migraines disappeared with both pregnancies. As for the births, I dilated much quicker with my 2nd, and even though I was already admitted to the hospital two hours prior, it was too late for them give me the epidural. The women who scream on the Baby Story and shows like that, are mimes compared to me when I was going through delivery the 2nd time around. It's been 6 yrs later and I'm still not over that birthing experience (that's why we don't have the 2 boys now). Pregnancy/delivery is so different with everyone. When you are deciding to have another child, the main thing to consider is that you have a loving and stable home for that child to grow up in. Plus, giving your child a sibling, can be the best thing in the world. My girls are so close, I am so thankful they have each other.